Millie squeezes my hand. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s fine. It’s just, those songs? The ones they are recording? They are all about me. About Cadence. About us. And it’s brutal. Because what we had wasn’t real, and the songs make it sound like it was.”
“Maybe—”
I cut her off. “I’m not making excuses for men anymore, Millie. Either he chooses me, or he doesn’t. I’m not going to beg him to love me.”
“And you shouldn’t. Look, you know I’m here no matter what.”
“I’m so thankful for you.” I give her a hug before calling Cadence over. “Love you, girl,” I tell her.
We leave the park hand-in-hand and we soak up the late afternoon sunshine.
“What’s for dinner tonight?” she asks.
“I was thinking of making my grandma’s mac and cheese. Sound good?”
“Yum!”
I smile, listening as she talks about her day, about the game she was playing at recess, about the new class pet hamster. “Wow, sounds like school is going amazing.”
“Mostly.”
I unlock the front door. “What do you mean, mostly?”
“Emily said it’s my fault her mommy is so sad.”
My heart falls. “Oh, sweetheart. Just because your daddy and her mommy aren’t friends doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.”
Tears fill her big blue eyes. “Emily said I ruined everything.”
I pull her into my arms. “That isn’t true, sweetheart.”
“I tried to tell her. But she wouldn’t listen.” She bites her bottom lip. “Maybe I can write her a letter? Tell her I’m sorry she is sad? Tell her I’m sad too?”
“You’re sad?”
Cadence’s lip trembles. “I miss the band, Mommy,” she says, wrapping her arms around me. I pick her up, carry her into the kitchen and set her down on the island.
“I miss them too. Maybe you can write them a letter, tell them that?”
“Is that what you did?”
I shake my head. “Not yet. But it’s a good idea. Let’s write them a note together.”
Cadence brightens right up at that suggestion. She reaches for the notepad that is always on the counter and flips to a blank page. As she does, a sheet of paper falls from it.
Leaning over, I pick it up, tensing as I unfold it.
It’s Ash’s handwriting. It’s lyrics to a song.
“Mommy,” Cadence says. “It’s a note, to you. It says ‘Dear Ember, the first time I her … hear ….’ Hmm I don’t know this word.”
She hands me the notebook, and I read the sentence out loud. “Heard. The first time I heard,” I start, but then I stop, blinking back tears.
Ash did come back.
He came back and wrote this note, but I never saw it. Until now.
“Mommy, what’s wrong?” she asks.
“It’s a letter from Ash, sweetie,” I say, my eyes taking in his words.
I wish everything was different.
I wish that you were mine.
I’m sorry. So damn sorry.
“Did he say goodbye to me?” she asks hopefully.
I wipe my eyes. “Not exactly.” I do my best to give her a smile and wag my finger at her playfully. “Sounds like the two of you had a deal about some piano lessons?”
She giggles. “Yeah, and he promised that I could come to one of his shows. He’s my favoritest. But don’t tell Saint that. I don’t want to hurt his feelings.”
“Why don’t you start this letter to the guys while I use the bathroom, okay?”
She nods, jumping off the counter and looking for a pen, flipping to a new page in the notebook. I shut the bathroom door behind me and sit down on the closed toilet lid, opening the torn journal page, and reading it top to bottom.
The chorus to the song is what gets me. Makes me wonder if I was wrong. Because you can’t fake real.
And these words? They feel like the closest thing to love I’ve ever received.
A broken man and broken girl.
Together they take on the world.
From dusk to dawn, they held on tight.
Never wantin’ to say goodnight.
We’re just starting out, let’s see where this goes
Let me be your rock and roll.
Broken hearts can still be whole.
“Mommy,” Cadence calls, knocking on the bathroom door. “How do you spell badass?”
I laugh, wiping my eyes and pushing open the door. A little girl can certainly help lighten the mood. “Who taught you that word?”
“Synn. He said I was a badass.”
“Did he now?” I chuckle, shaking my head. “Well, there might be a few things I need to mention in this letter we’re writing.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Ash
Ember’s car is in the driveway when I pull up and park the rental. But when I knock on the door, no one answers. I glance at the time and realize she’s probably with Millie and the kids at the park.
Good.
It gives me a few minutes to get settled, collect my thoughts. The past week I’ve been rehearsing what I was going to say in my head, but being here, now, I feel like a bundle of nerves are twisting inside my gut.
I get out of the car and sit on the front porch, twisting the letter she sent me in my hands. I’ve read it a thousand times, trying to read through the lines. Hoping beyond hope that I’m not being overoptimistic showing up here. I unfold the letter and scan the words again.
Dear Ash,
I didn’t find your note until tonight.
To be honest, I was hurt that you never said goodbye.
But I think that maybe it was because it hurt you as much as it hurt me to think about the finality of those words.
You said that you were a dying fire when you first met me, but the moment I saw you it was like the sun blazed in front of me. And then your touch...fire and heat...it blazed through me, burning down walls and insecurities.
You’re right, my life is here, with Cadence.
But there’s always a place in it for you.
I know that’s wishful thinking. But, you said you wished I was yours.
The truth is, I am yours, Ash.
My heart. My body. My soul.
I should have told you that before.
But it’s okay if this isn’t what you want.
I just wish I could see you one more time. Say goodbye.
Always,
Ember
P.S. Cadence misses you too.
I fold the letter and put it back in my pocket. The guys didn’t fight me when I told them I was coming here. They know how miserable I’ve been the last few weeks.
It was Dusky who finally told me to stop moping and go get her, to stop being a pansy and fight for what I want.
So here I am. Fighting for the best thing I’ve ever had in my life.
I just hope to God it isn’t too late.
“Ash,” Cadence’s cry of delight jolts me, and I see her running across the lawn toward me.
I stand just in time as she jumps up and she wraps her arms around my neck, squeezing me so tight I cough.
“I knew you’d come back,” she says, grinning at me, her eyes bright with excitement. “Right, Mommy? I told you he’d come to say goodbye.”
I glance toward where Ember is slowly walking toward us. Her lips are parted, eyes wide when she looks at me, and when she blinks, I see a tear fall down her cheek. She brushes it away quickly, but not quickly enough.
“What’s wrong, Mommy?” Cadence squirms away from me and goes to Ember.
“Nothing, love. I’m just happy to see Ash.”
Cadence’s nose scrunches up. “You don’t look happy.”
“Why don’t you go into the house and start your homework—”
“But I want to tell Ash everything that’s happened.”
“You can, at dinner. I mean...” She looks at me then, brows turning down. “If you’re stayin
g.”
I nod. “If you’ll have me.”
“Can we make pizza?” Cadence asks.
“Yes, if you get your homework done.”
“Okay.” She gives me another hug before racing into the house.
Ember and I stand there for a few moments, gazes locked, tension and heat flickering and pulling between us.
“I got your letter,” I say, taking a step toward her.
She chews on her bottom lip. “So you came to say goodbye?”
“No. I...” My chest squeezes. This would be so much easier if she was in my arms. “I came back to apologize. I shouldn’t have left the way I did.”
“I get it.”
“I don’t think you do.” I move closer, and brush my palm across her cheek, leaning close and inhaling her scent. “Sunshine and vanilla.”
“What?” She’s trembling.
“That’s what you smell like.”
She lets out a shaky breath. “Ash—”
“I know there are a million things that need to be said, but I need to tell you something first, okay?”
She nods.
I inhale a deep breath and rest my forehead against hers, cupping the back of her neck. “You know I was a mess before I came here. And I could give you a million excuses. But the truth is I hated myself. Hated who I was. Believed I was just like my father. When he killed himself, I knew that would be me one day. His fate would be mine.”
She pulls back, frowning. “You thought about killing yourself?”
“No. Not like that. But I knew my lifestyle would eventually do the job for me. And I was fine with that. Because honestly, I didn’t have anything to live for. My life was empty.”
Her hands rest on my chest and she blinks up at me, not saying anything, just listening.
“Then you...” I stroke my thumb across her jaw, taking her in, my heart beating erratically. “You changed everything, Em. You and Cadence. You showed me joy, and happiness, and...love.”
She sucks in a small breath, and whispers, “Ash, I—”
“Before you say anything, I need you to know that I love you, Ember. I didn’t think these feelings were possible. But I swear to God I was dead inside before I met you.” I take her hand and place it over my heart. “You feel that? It beats because of you. For you.”
She blinks and tears stream down her cheeks. “I love you too, Ash.”
I crush my lips against hers, her kiss the oxygen I’d been missing the past few weeks.
And now, I can finally breathe again.
Epilogue
Ember
Six months later
Six months can change everything. And when I say everything ... I mean it. Ash is waking up in my bed.
Our bed.
And we aren’t hiding what we have. I never knew love like this was real ... but as Ash stirs, rolling over and pulling me to him, I know this is the most real thing ever.
“Someone woke up happy,” I murmur, basking in the morning sunlight streaming through my window.
“It’s gonna be a great day.” I know what he’s talking about - the band is coming later, his mom, my friends - everyone we know and love.
I smile, running my hand over his shaft, my body warming as his hands run over my back, drawing me closer. “It can be a great morning too.”
“God, I love you,” Ash tells me, kissing me slowly. The first time we hooked up, it was fueled with heat and that hasn’t changed. Not a bit. When Ash and I come together, it is a chance for our love to burn brighter than ever.
“Touch me,” I whimper, his fingers running over me, my body wet and willing and wanting this so, so bad. He knows. He knows me.
“You’re so ready, baby.” He moves lower, brushing his mouth across my belly as he does. Holding my knees down as he begins to lavish me with kisses, blowing warm air against me until my toes curl, a smile spreading wide across my face. I thread my fingers through his hair, and he looks up at me, our eyes meeting. The fire burns. So damn hot.
“Make me come,” I beg. He listens. His tongue running across my slit, teasing me in the most delicious way. “Oh, God, Ash.”
A shiver runs up and down my spine, a surge of desire washing over me. I come against him, and he takes everything I give. He doesn’t stop, his fingers filling me, stroking my clit until I am completely undone.
I roll on top of him, wanting him inside me, but first I need to taste him. On his back, I look down at my lover, the man who has given me a new lease on life, who loves my daughter as his own, who made me a believer in love.
Before him, I didn’t think I was the sort of woman who deserved so much goodness. But now I know how wrong I was. Everyone deserves love that is real and true.
I take Ash in my mouth, loving the way his thick cock feels against my tongue. The taste of him, the way he moans my name. I suck him the way I know he loves, slow and tender, cupping his balls and swirling my tongue over his tip, the salty pre-cum teasing me with more to come. Good. I love getting him off, love the way I can take him so fully, the way he looks at me after, as if I am the greatest thing in the world.
“Ember,” he groans as I linger, taking this excruciatingly slow. “You’re killing me, love.”
I smile, licking my lips and then speeding things up, loving the fact I can work this rock star up.
My rock star.
As I suck him harder, he runs his hands through my long, loose hair, making me feel so beautiful with every touch. He is mine and I am his and God, I wish this moment here, could last forever.
He rolls me over, his arms on either side of me. “God, you make me crazy.”
“A good crazy?” I ask.
“The best kind.”
“That could be a song lyric,” I say. “You are the best kind of crazy.”
“The only kind I need.”
“I love you, Asher Stone.”
“Is that because the album went platinum in a week?” His cock is still hard, and I wrap my legs around him as he enters me.
“Yes. That’s why. You know me, I always wanted a life of fame and fortune.”
Ash fills me up, my heart so full, my body bursting with heat. I exhale, his cock still so intoxicating. Like it was made for me. He’s put me under a spell, and I hope to God it never breaks.
“I’d give it all up,” he says, against my lips. “Just say the word.”
“No way. I love being your muse.”
He smiles, kissing me again. “I don’t want anything to change,” he says. “With us.”
I wrap my arms around his neck, knowing that tonight, the things I have to tell him, will change everything.
But first I want him to have this party - celebrate their album, NOCTURNAL MUSE.
* * *
The last time the whole band was at the house, it was a hard day - all of us saying goodbye. But now everyone’s here, smiling as if we are on top of the world.
And I guess they are. We are.
It’s late autumn, and the air is crisp, but the party is spilling from the house to the backyard. Cadence’s apple tree standing tall, our roots are here. Firmly planted. And I know that what I tell Ash tonight will mean we are even more grounded.
Dusky’s parents are here from Ireland, his mom is at the stove, working on a giant pot of stew. Ash’s mother is next to her, trading recipes, and she is slicing fresh baked bread. In the corner of the living room, Synn is talking with Millie and Keith. I bite my lip, not wanting to know if the three of them have some plan in the works.
Smiling, I move through the house, stopping to thank Tina for coming out for the party.
“I wouldn’t miss it, Ember. Though I must say, this is not the sort of party I was expecting.”
“No?” I look around. Some of Cadence’s classmates are here, weaving through the kitchen, stealing cookies from a tray. Some families from the neighborhood are here, and there is a bouncy house in the front yard.
Tina laughs. “You’ve changed these boys, Ember. A year
ago ...” She shakes her head. “I was worried for them, Ash especially. But now? Now I know they are going to be okay.”
“I hope so. The band is going on tour next month. I won’t be there for most of it.”
“Are you scared?”
I shake my head. “I thought I would be. But things change, I trust Ash with my whole heart. And the other guys in the band? They’re family. Cadence and I will meet them for Christmas in London.”
“He’s lucky to have you, you know that, don’t you?”
I look across the house, Ash is at the kitchen island, laughing with his mom and Saint, looking so comfortable in his skin. I remember the man he was when we first met. He had so many walls up, was so angry, so alone. And then he let me in and everything changed. We changed. Together.
“We’re both pretty lucky,” I say.
Ash catches my eye and comes over, his arm wrapping around my waist. “Hey babe, dinner is ready.”
“Perfect.” We gather in the kitchen, and before anyone begins to dish up, Saint, Synn, Ash, and Dusky begin handing out glasses of champagne. I take one, but don’t take a sip.
“We wanted to make a toast before we ate,” Ash says. “We have so much to be grateful for.” He looks at me, and I see the emotion in his eyes. More than heat, it’s love. “And right now, I want to say how truly grateful I am for Ember and Cadence. Two girls who have lit up my life in ways I never thought possible.”
Cadence beams up at him, and he wraps an arm around her. “Ready to help me?” he asks her.
I look around the room, not sure what these two are up to.
“Mommy,” Cadence says, reaching for my hand. “We have a question for you.”
“For me?” I laugh. “Should we talk later, after the party?”
But she shakes her head. The room has gone quiet and I realize everyone is watching the three of us. “No, Mommy. Now. It’s kinda important.”
“Okay, now you’re making me nervous.” I look to Ash, but he doesn’t let on.
He simply takes my hand and kneels before me.
I cover my mouth with my other hand. “Oh, Ash.”
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