by E. V. White
“Okay, but I have no idea where to start,” he admitted candidly.
Emily shrugged and smiled.
“I donʼt know. Maybe from my motherʼs surname and from the list of bakeries in Brixton?” She suggested. “How many of them could be in one London district, not even in a central one at that?” She continued.
*
Alex discovered, two hours later, that they could actually be lucky. They found eight bakeries in the neighbourhood and, despite not being able to find the most plausible one through the ownersʼ name that appeared online, they adopted the good old-fashioned technique of ringing round, finding their store at the third attempt.
The call was quite strange and awkward, but ultimately the people on the other end of the call realised they were not playing a very bad joke on them and agreed to meet that night.
Emily and Hannah went to visit them by themselves; they did not want him to accompany them. He sympathised with them well enough since it was already stressful for them to meet people who they believed were dead before they were even born, at least for Emily; they did not need to add the embarrassment of having to do it in front of a stranger. Because that was exactly what he was to them, a person who knew nothing of their lives and they nothing of his. He did not feel offended; it was simply a fact. At that moment, however, he found himself walking up and down the room nervously because he was rather anxious waiting for them to come back.
When the door opened, it was already dark. Alex scrambled to the entrance with an expression and a mind full of questions he wanted to ask but did not know if he could. Hannahʼs face was angry while Emilyʼs was sad and disappointed. His heart skipped a few beats and the pit he already felt in his stomach got bigger. The two girls sat down on the couch and said nothing.
“Youʼre killing me right now,” he disclosed in the end, not understanding what had happened.
“Nothing’s happened. They want to verify our story, that we really are their grandchildren, and only then theyʼll let us know,” snapped Hannah.
“Good. But they didnʼt turn you out of their home, right?” He verified.
“No, but they didnʼt exactly welcome us with open arms either,” Emily divulged almost crying.
Alex worried about her. Maybe the whole situation was too much for her to bear; she did just leave the clinic. Too many changes, too many disruptions. When he thought about helping her, he was too caught up in the momentum and had opted for the first solution that had come to his mind as he always did. He did not think about the fact she might not have been strong enough to cope with the consequences too.
“What were you thinking? Move in with them and start living like the perfect happy family? They havenʼt seen their daughter in twenty years and we come along saying ‘Hi, we’re your granddaughters, can we come and live with you?’ You realise it sounds insane, right? Youʼre just a stupid twit,” snapped Hannah.
Alex looked at her fuming.
“Enough. Your sister’s only trying to help you,” he raised his voice.
Hannah looked peeved then stood up, spun herself around and went into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Alex sat next to Emily on the couch.
“Don’t get cross with her. She acts all tough but sheʼs just scared. Sheʼs only fourteen,” she mustered.
“I know,” Alex said. “But she canʼt take it out on you either” he defended.
Emily smiled but her eyes were filled with tears.
“Please donʼt cry,” Alex whispered, catching a tear running down her cheek with his thumb.
The boy did not know how to handle himself in those situations. Seeing a girl cry made him panic. Seeing any person cry made him nervous because he never knew what to do, he had no idea how to comfort people. He was not good with those sort of things: showing his feelings or empathy towards others.
“I know,” Emily agreed. “And I donʼt even know why I duped myself into believing that there might have been some kind of effort on their part,” she added.
“Did they treat you badly?” He asked.
“No, they didnʼt. On the contrary, they were more traumatized than we were at first, then they lightened up after. Marie started to cry and Paul had tears in his eyes, they even hugged us,” she said with a voice that exuded hope and fear at the same time.
“How did they seem?” He asked a bit worried. He did not want the girl to go from one disappointment to another.
“They seemed like good people to me. Hurt, maybe” she rationalised. “Apparently my mother left home at sixteen and had me at eighteen. She wasnʼt exactly the perfect daughter and has obviously continued this trait on as a parent,” she explained bitterly. “What if they decide they donʼt want anything to do with us?” She put forward, tears running down her cheeks.
Alex wrapped her in a hug for a second time that day. It was the only thing he was capable of doing when he saw her in such a condition: embrace and protect her from everything and everyone.
“They wonʼt, youʼll see,” he assured her and kissed her hair gently. “And if they ever decide to do so, itʼll be their loss because they wouldn’t have the chance to know such a wonderful person,” he blurted out without even meaning to.
Alex blushed at his sudden outburst of sincerity and buried his face in her hair so that she could not possibly see his embarrassment.
“And if they say no, you can stay here and weʼll find a way to survive together,” the boy continued, hoping she would not notice the concern in his voice.
Living with Emily could be a solution, they were both adults and, more or less, able to get by but Hannah still needed guidance as she came of age. She needed someone to help her in becoming an adult and the both Emily and himself were still far from being able to do so. They did not even know if they were able to stay sober until the next day, let alone worry about a person who was a little older than a child who was not able to support herself.
They held each other in silence for some time until Alex became aware that Emily was breathing deeply like those who had been sleeping for quite some time. Trying not to wake her, he picked her up and noticed that, even though she had put on some weight while in the clinic, it was still too easy to lift her, and she seemed frail and defenceless to him. On the one hand, she had proven to be a strong woman capable of rebelling and recovering, while on the other she looked like a lost puppy trying to find her place in the world.
He entered the room, laid her on the bed next to her sister who was already asleep, removed her shoes and covered her. Then he left the room, reached the sofa and lay down. He fell asleep almost immediately.
*
Matt was on the flight of stairs of Alexʼs place, running towards the door of a person whom he hoped was still his friend. It has been days since he had not seen or heard from him and, apart from being worried a bit, he felt somewhat guilty because of the fact that he himself had not tried to reach out to him. What Jaden had said to him penetrated into his brain and tormented him for days. He had scrutinized every move he had made towards his friend and did not recognise what the truth was anymore. He had always done things with his heart but maybe he could have helped him better by doing things more rationally rather than instinctively.
He knocked on the door lightly, almost hesitantly. He was about to knock again when the door opened and Alex appeared, surprised and serious. Matt could not read what he was thinking and began to feel a little uncomfortable because neither of them spoke. The tension dropped when Alex stepped aside and let him in. The flat finally seemed to be clean and his friend did not seem drunk early in the morning. He heaved a sigh of relief because maybe he could talk to him without too much difficulty.
“Would you like something to drink?” Alex suddenly asked him, inviting him to sit on the couch. “I only have water and orange juice at the moment,” he added.
“A glass of water is perfectly fine, thanks.”
He watched him go to the kitchen. Somehow, he seemed different and the concern that had t
ormented him for days was now being set aside in his mind: the girl in the park must have convinced him to try something different from alcohol; that was why he seemed completely mad at that time. He was not sure about it, but he was certain that the girl was a bad influence on his friendʼs already precarious state.
“Letʼs skip the small talk, shall we? Just tell me what you’re doing here.” He asked in his usual blunt manner, handing him the glass of water he had offered him.
“I came to ask you to come back and play with us,” he said frankly.
“Is the new singer that bad?” Alex hit back seriously immediately after.
Matt could not tell if he was joking or not. He was behaving oddly and did not know how to handle him.
“Definitely. Plus, if youʼre not part of the group, there wonʼt be any contract. We need you,” he decided to opt for the most brutal sincerity.
Alex curled his lips into an arrogant smile, which reminded his friend of his old self.
“Ah, you finally figured out that feeding me a line doesnʼt work. It took you twenty-two years but you finally got there,” he vented not mincing his words.
Matt did not know whether to be offended by the statement or not, but the anger that had disappeared for some days and left room for guilt had now reappeared to take over. Alex was an expert in instigating him. It almost seemed as if he did it on purpose to determine his breaking point.
“Man to man, there is one condition for your return. You’ll have to forget about that girl in the park. Please, sheʼs ruining you,” he insisted with venom in his voice. Perhaps he exaggerated but it was a matter of great importance to him. He did not want Alex to throw the work of a lifetime into the wind for a girl who vaguely reminded him of his sister.
“Let me understand something,” Alex began, sitting on the table right in front of him. “You threw me out of the band that I myself put together, youʼre asking me to come back because you’re in a fuck-up and you expect me to subject myself to your conditions?” He pointed out incredulous. “Where the fuck do you live? Disneyland?” He asked fuming, although without flying into a rage as he usually did.
“Look, that girl fucked up your brain. You were so drunk that you couldn’t even stay on your feet during the concert and you even missed another one. You canʼt tell me that she had nothing to do with all of it,” Matt persisted, equally roused.
“Thatʼs where youʼre wrong. I skipped the concert because I was furious with you, not because of her,” Alex cleared up.
“Listen to yourself! You met this girl and suddenly buggered up the only dream you had in life. You wanted to live for music and do only that, and you didnʼt even think for a second before throwing it all out of the fucking window. Haven’t you noticed that you’ve driven everyone away more than ever in the past few months?” He asserted, almost shouting.
“Don’t tell me how to live my life! Emily stays, or you can keep that crappy singer you found,” declared Alex in anger.
“Do you know that Christmas has passed? Or don’t you even know what month it is?” Matt set out with the only matter that he knew would unnerve his friend: his affections.
Every year on Christmas Eve, the two boys met at midnight at the cemetery on the graves of Alexʼs grandfather, of Audrey and of Mattʼs mom to wish them a Happy Christmas. When they were still alive, it was a tradition to wait until midnight to exchange greetings and the two boys had decided, without even talking about it, to carry on with the tradition at the graves of their loved ones. The first year they crossed paths there by chance and, for the following twelve years, they kept on doing it except for the past one, when Matt waited for hours for his friend to come.
Alex looked confused, sad and perhaps even guilty but said nothing. He did not even have the time as Emily appeared in the room with a light step, followed by a little girl who Matt had never seen.
“Heʼs right,” the girl confirmed calmly, looking at Alex.
Matt looked stunned. He did not expect to see her still there and especially that another person had joined who seemed to be a teenager, although covered in thick makeup.
“For fuckʼs sake, Alex, what the bloody hell are you doing? Theyʼre kids,” Matt muttered incredulously.
Emily looked at him coldly and he felt a shiver down his spine.
“Heʼs right,” she began to repeat. “Iʼm only making trouble here. I’ve messed up your life more than I expected and Iʼm sorry,” she said, choked with emotion.
“Donʼt even say it, okay?” Alex insisted. “You’re more important than any other stupid dream I’ve had as a kid,” he continued but Emily interrupted him.
“You don’t understand. I donʼt want to stay here with you. My grandparents told me that I can stay with them and I have no intention of staying here. I donʼt care about you, Alex. Youʼve been nice to me, but I donʼt want to live with you. Leave me alone,” she pronounced, then turned and headed for the bedroom.
Matt could see in his friendʼs eyes the exact moment when his heart broke. At that moment, he realised how much he cared about the girl and how much that moment was devastating to him. He reached out and laid his hand on the boyʼs knee. Alex did not take it off; he did nothing. He stared at the empty space where, until a few seconds before, the two girls stood and did not seem to be breathing. For the first time in years, Matt saw his friend suffer once again for the loss of someone after the death of his sister.
Emily and Hannah walked in silence, dragging along the suitcase with their clothes. Since they left Alexʼs house they had not said a word. The only invariable were the tears streaming down Emilyʼs cheeks.
Hannah suddenly stopped in the middle of the road and Emily turned and gave her both a puzzled and irritated expression.
“What the hell were you thinking of?!” Her little sister suddenly blurted out in an accusatory tone.
“Nothing,” the girl replied bluntly.
Hannah snorted, bitterly laughing and shaking her head.
“Youʼre really unbelievable. We had a home, a place to stay and you do what? You pack your things and run off at the first hitch,” she charged angrily.
“Alexʼs friend was right. We can’t stay in his flat. We’re not able to support ourselves and we shouldn’t be dependent on him. He has a future, something that’s worth living for and we’re just a burden that keeps him anchored to this lousy life,” she answered firmly convinced.
“Do you really believe that?” She asked her sister. “We could have tried to work it out together! Instead, you leave and head to people we don’t even know if they want us or not. Because, unless youʼve called them in the past fifteen minutes, I was left with the impression that our grandparents still haven’t told us we can go live with them,” she continued, angrier and angrier.
Their discussion became heated and people began to look at them in a strange way, as if they were somewhat both concerned and amused by the spectacle occurring in front of their eyes.
“Iʼll find a solution, okay? Now stop being a child and keep walking,” Emily snapped.
“Oh, and I’m supposed to be the little girl in this scenario?” She asked in disbelief. “Youʼve got us moved out into the streets because it was too hard for you to send that bastard to hell,” carried on her sister.
“You really donʼt understand, do you? We’re the shackles in Alexʼs life and the best thing we can do is to let him go, don’t you understand?” Emily exclaimed with a trembling voice. “Besides, if he really wanted us to stay, he would have stopped us or at least had tried to say something,” she added with pain piercing her chest.
She knew that leaving was the right thing to do. Matt was right. Since Alex had crossed paths with her, his life irrevocably took a road that did not lead to anything good. He had dedicated all of himself to her, setting aside all his plans, his dreams, his future. It wasn’t exactly like winning the lottery. Indeed, from the moment her sister became a part of them, things got only worse because they had to think for her as well as for
the two of them. She felt the weight of the responsibility of having to raise a child and did not want to drag Alex in that abyss filled with uncertainties and hardship.
“Jesus Christ, Emily! You’re so blind!” She burst out in exasperation. “How could you possibly not realise that you literally broke his heart? You were so cruel with him that even I saw him suffer in agony as you were giving him hell,” she pointed out. “Heʼs clearly in love with you, even though I don’t think he himself has realised it yet, and so are...” she continued, but her sister silenced her by putting a hand over her mouth.
“Donʼt say it, never ever again,” Emily hissed. “Ever. You don’t know what youʼre talking about. Donʼt ever dare say anything about it again,” she threatened her in such a menacing manner that she even frightened herself for the brutality with which she had spoken those words.
Hannah seemed stunned by her sister’s sudden outburst of anger. Her eyes were wide and she held her breath. When Emily finally freed her mouth, she gasped for air.
“Wow! You guys still havenʼt bonked yet, have you?” She whispered more to herself than to her sister.
Emily rolled her eyes and walked to the corner where their grandparentsʼ bakery was located and entered it, followed by Hannah.
Alex was still sitting on the table, paralysed by what had just happened. He did not know how long Emily had been gone, but even Matt had not spoken since then. When he finally managed to turn his muddled thoughts into coherent reasoning, he realised that Matt still had his hand resting on his leg.
“So, what were we saying about the band?” He began with a calmness that even surprised himself.
Matt looked at him quizzically and removed his hand from his friendʼs knee.
“Are you okay?” He asked in worried voice, almost in a whisper.