“Sarah,” he said, turning to her. “Sarah. I was wondering…”
He got up from his seat. He looked around anxiously before he practically dropped to the floor on his one knee. Sarah smiled, her face clam and placid. She placed a hand over her mouth, but her smile peeked over it.
“Liam…” she started again. Evan watched as her chest rose and fell. Amy made an excited noise like a tea kettle. Bart was strangely silent.
“Liam…” she repeated. He held a finger up to his mouth to single her to shush.
“Sarah, I’m not good with words. I merely edit them. But there is one thing I know. I want you in my life for longer than just this dinner, longer than just this year, and more than any Valentine ‘s Day celebration.” He took out the box from his pocket and produced a ring. White gold, from what Evan could tell, just like the one in the picture on the phone. But this one had a ruby in the center, and that made it jump out. Evan nodded, approving of the choice as if his opinion really mattered in all of this.
“Will you marry me?” Liam completed.
“Obviously,” Sarah answered. She held his hand, her face softening into seriousness. “Yes, of course I will.”
Liam leaned forward and kissed her. The waitress from the back came out with the cake and a few other people applauded around. Evan lifted his hands, applauding the most, feeling as if he had lived through a milestone that he may never get to do. Whether or not gay marriage was made legal, he would still never really know if he was the one to kneel or the one to stand up and wait. The idea of waiting—like what Sarah had done—just seemed horrible and unfair. But, as he saw a small tear slide down her cheek as they wrapped their arms around one another, Evan thought that maybe the sacrifice was okay.
“That was really beautiful,” Evan said to Bart, leaning over. He held his tea in his hand, staring into it as Liam and Amy and the waitress all seemed to talk to one another as if they had known for years.
“Yeah, I guess,” Bart said.
“What’s up?” Evan asked him. “Aren’t you happy for Liam?”
“Of course,” Bart said, lifting his eyes. His stare didn’t linger long on Evan. He stared back at his drink. “Of course I am. I mean, he’s a great guy. She’s a great girl. It’s just…”
“Makes you think of how old you are?”
Bart laughed, harsh and somewhat bitter. “Yeah, yeah. That’s exactly what I was going to say. I know I’m old because suddenly marriage doesn’t sound like a burden anymore, but a nice alternative.”
“Alternative to what?” Evan asked, though he knew the answer.
“Dying alone. Boredom. That fancy French word you two were saying.”
“Ennui?”
“Yeah. Love is better than ennui.”
Evan felt a ball tighten in his throat. “You’ll find someone.”
Bart nodded. “You will too.”
“Yeah.”
They both sat in silence and watched as Sarah and Amy hugged. Liam looked around to both of them, wiping away a quick tear.
“Man, I knew this was going to happen but I didn’t think I’d be so moved. Anyway,” Liam wiped another one away as he sat down. “I’m sure you two are both wondering.”
“What?”
“You know, who the best man will be?”
“Oh,” Evan said, his face fell. Bart still looked in his tea.
“Pick Daniel,” Evan said. “Don’t worry about picking between us.”
“I’m not. Besides,” Liam pulled up a chair to both of them, “I’ve grown up with that brother. I love Daniel, but he’s a bore. You two, though, you’re both special.”
“Are we having a fight to the death?” Evan asked, joking and shaking at the same time.
“Nah, I want you both to be my best man. Who cares if it will mess up the photos and have one side be off balance? I certainly don’t. Does that sound okay to you?”
Evan raised his eyes to Bart. He swallowed hard and they nodded to one another. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
“Good,” Liam said, clapping a hand down on both of them. “I love you both, man. I couldn’t have done this without you. I mean, the wedding will be far enough away that there is time to plan and even figure out your roles more. But I can’t wait, you know? It’s going to be great.”
“Yes,” Bart said. “It will.”
As the party continued, Evan excused himself to go outside. As he smoked in the back alleyway and watched a few stray cats run across the road, he heard another clatter from the back door. He spotted Bart, his jacket zipped up to his neck. He made a face as he felt the wind hit him.
“Man, winter is long here.”
“Isn’t it long in Utah?”
“Yeah, but it feels like it’s darker here.”
Evan nodded. He tried to think of a witty remark and came up with nothing. “Some party in there, huh?”
“Yeah, they’re passing around fortune cookies and believing all the vague sentences as if they were real.”
“Aw, really? What did yours say?”
“‘The perfect opportunity is right in front of you,’” Bart quoted, a tone to his voice that Evan could not quite place.
Evan stared at the garbage bin in front of him and puffed smoke out of the side of his mouth. He let out a low laugh. “It always is, isn’t it?”
“How did Sarah and Liam meet?”
“In class, during a lecture on…God, I don’t even remember anymore,” Evan said, closing his eyes and wrinkling his forehead.
“Were you there?”
“No, but he told it told me all about it that day. Or close after. He had every detail memorized. She sat in front of him and paid no attention to him. When someone misquoted something from Futurama, she corrected it. And he knew he had found her.”
“So it was kind of love at first sight, then?”
“Well, I’d like to think it was a little more complicated. They’ve had some tough times and have had to deal with a lot. They were friends for a year before dating one another, too. And it was a tough transition. I’ve heard those always are.” Evan paused and took another puff his cigarette too quickly.
“I’ve heard the opposite about friends dating,” Bart challenged quietly.
Evan sputtered a bit before speaking. He prayed it wasn’t noticeable. “You know, I mean, it’s that easy and it’s not. It’s more difficult than Hallmark makes it but it’s also not as endlessly complicated as that fucking movie that came out last year. You remember? Liam dragged us to see it and it was nearly three hours of my life I won’t ever get back.”
“Cloud Atlas?” Bart answered, and then laughed, agreeing with Evan about the endless complications. “All that reincarnation stuff will get to you.”
“Yeah. Too complicated. I’d like to think love was somewhere in between. Love is based on more than just first sight or some strange inside knowledge like Sarah’s ability to detect a perfect Zoidberg quote.”
Bart nodded, his hands jammed into his pocket. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”
The quiet that sets over them made Evan feel ten degrees colder. Bart stayed by the door, but made no effect to leave. Evan wondered how much warmer the two of them would be if they even had the nerve to get close to one another. Even in the middle of winter, Evan thought, it was still impossible to touch him.
“But it’s pretty cool though, for Liam,” Evan added. “Being married to a best friend like that. It’s kind of just this long sleepover with sex.”
Bart smiled. “Or a road trip.”
“Yeah.” Evan nodded. “A road trip. I like that.”
The two of them smiled at one another. Evan put out his cigarette and then shoved his hands in his pockets to keep them warm. Bart lingered. Evan could tell from his body language that he wanted to say something, but nothing still came out.
“I hate feeling old,” Evan mentioned again. “My body’s cold and I don’t want to go inside. It’s a nice night, if not for the snow and leftover ice. It’s perfectly clear. See? You
can see almost all the constellations.”
Bart raised his eyes. Evan tentatively shifted to the other side of the alleyway, so he and Bart could look up to the sky shoulder to shoulder. Bart smiled as he joined him, and together, Evan tried to point out all he knew.
“Not much, not really,” Evan said. “I’m really basing this more on astrology my mother and sisters used to read than actual astronomy. That’s Aquarius, I think.”
Bart nodded. He dug his hands deep into his pockets and let out a breath that turned to fog outside his mouth. Both of them shivered.
“There was a place, just around the corner from my house,” Bart began. “Chris—the guy I ran away with—and I used to always hang out there when we’d sneak out at night. You could see almost everything in the sky.”
“So better than this?” Evan asked.
“Yeah,” Bart agreed. “Chris was an Aquarius and I was a Capricorn, a late December baby. Sometimes we’d both be there in the same sky. He used to tell me that was why we were together. Because the sky told us so. And if God was up there at all then this was His doing.”
Evan swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “That’s sweet.”
“Yeah.” Bart looked at the ground and kicked a pebble. “Too bad it never lasted.”
“Was he…?”
“What Evan? My first? Are we really going to ask these questions?”
Evan shrugged. “I can tell you mind if you tell me yours.”
“That sounds like a strange sex game.”
Evan laughed and then sighed. “Oh, come on. We were having a moment there. Tell me. Was he your first?”
After a moment, Bart nodded. “My first fuck, love, everything. I thought we were going to be together forever. It’s so odd, isn’t it? The first time we do anything we think that this moment will last. It will extend and never grow tired.”
Evan nodded. He scanned the sky and tried to find his constellation there. But it was too late in the year for it. He didn’t want to try too hard, either, because that meant he was really looking for it alongside of Bart’s to see if he could prove them solid and ever-lasting in the same way.
“Your turn,” Bart insisted. “Who was your first?”
Evan smiled. “Okay, I always lie to Liam about this so you can’t tell him.”
Bart nodded gravely. Then he smiled. “Daniel. I knew it.”
“Ah, ah,” Evan said, holding up a finger to not let Bart get too carried away. “Not quite. He was the first person I had sex with, yes. But love? No. Liam is right. Daniel’s a bore. I couldn’t love him. But he had a great body.”
Evan trailed off for a bit and didn’t come back until Bart nudged him playfully. “And who did you love first? Don’t give me any bull crap about how you haven’t found them yet. Because you have. I know you have.”
“Why? How can you tell? Is there a mark or a meeting place?”
“Because you get sad sometimes. Usually when no one looks or when you think no one sees. Like in there, at the proposal. You smiled and then your face dropped. It was just for a second but I saw it. You’re sad when you’ve lost something. So I know. Who was he?”
Bart’s perception almost hurt Evan, like he lost the same guy all over again. His skin began to feel transparent, as if Bart could see every bone and sore, every fuck in a bathroom that ended badly or make-out in a drunken stupor.
“He was a good friend growing up. I told him I loved him when I was fifteen or something?” Evan closed his eyes and rubbed his brow. “I knew I was gay, but I didn’t want to have sex with him. I was too afraid of sex then. I just wanted to tell him I cared about him and he called me a faggot.”
“I’m sorry,” Bart said. “I really am.”
“Don’t be. It was fine. It wasn’t exactly reciprocation, but it was a response I had never gotten before.”
Bart nodded. They both allowed silence to lapse over them again. The small warmth that their bodies had created being closer together soothed Evan.
“Thank you for telling me,” Evan said genuinely. He glanced over at Bart next to him and gave him a weak smile. “I really mean that.”
“You too,” Bart said. He smiled and then stared a head. Though he visible shivered at times, he made no effort to go inside.
“I’m glad,” Evan added, and then started again. I’m glad you’re the best man too. I’m going to need help figuring all of this out. Straight wedding and all of that. What the hell do straight people do?”
Bart shrugged. He groaned after a second thought. “Are we going to get a stripper?”
“Oh fuck,” Evan said aloud and smacked his hand to his head comically. “Okay, okay. I’ll tell you what. We’ll order two. Because the guys are going to want to have a woman, a Kandy with a K or something like that. But Daniel will be there, so three guys is enough to have cop stripper or something, right? Someone named Chip and who looks like he’s been taking steroids since he was seven?”
Bart nodded, smile on his face. “Definitely.”
After a short laugh, the two of them drew quiet again. They stared at the stars, silently wishing, until a breeze blew into the alleyway. It knocked over a trash can and sent a way of cold up both of their bodies.
“Okay, enough outside time for me,” Evan stated.
Bart nodded. His bottom jaw shivered so much as if it was going to fall off. He began to move towards the door.
“Hey, Bart,” Evan asked.
Bart turned around before touching the doorknob. Evan bit his tongue, unsure of the precise statement he wanted to ask. Did he want to get down on his knee? Ask if they could work something out between them? He had nursed a crush far too long and now that they were working on wedding, Evan wasn’t sure how he was going to keep his feelings at bay. And then again, there was Bart. A man who didn’t want to get older especially after starting his life again. Someone who used to have the sky plot out his destiny with a lover, only to have it torn apart. Someone who had braved the cold to see Evan, if only to watch those stars together. Evan wanted to ask Bart so many things, but he sighed and laughed instead.
“What?” Bart asked. He held his hand against the doorknob without opening it.
Evan shook his head. “Oh, nothing. Just me being sentimental. I suppose proposals will do that.”
Bart nodded. Evan took a few steps forward and Bart still didn’t open the door. Evan smiled to the side.
“Hug?”
Bart moved into Evan easily. Evan closed his eyes and rubbed his hand up and down Bart’s back, surprised at how warm their bodies were when put together. When Evan felt Bart rub his back too, his heart fluttered. To keep warm, Evan told himself. Bart’s only doing this to keep warm.
Evan’s breath caught in his throat when he thought he heard and felt the same hesitancy in Bart’s movements. He listened closely, straining his ears and making the hug last a lot longer than it needed to. Neither of them moved, and eventually, Evan stopped waiting for something he figured was never going to be there.
Finally, still in Bart’s arms, Evan looked up at the stars. He recognized Ursa Major and Ursa Minor, and then burrowed his chin into Bart’s neck, next to his hair.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey?” Bart reciprocated.
“I’m just glad you’re my friend.”
“Me too,” Bart answered. He squeezed him tighter. “Me too.”
Chapter 8
When Evan came out of the hall bathroom, Bart was still naked on the couch. He pulled some of the blankets they had cleared off from the floor and burrowed under one. As Evan approached the couch tentatively, Bart opened up the small side of one and allowed for Evan to join him underneath.
“Thanks,” Evan said softly. All words seemed too loud inside the apartment walls. He got in slowly and wasn’t quite sure where to lean his back. Now that the act was over and their arousal had peaked, Evan was worried about what they’d look like to one another. Would the years of repression settle back around them? Would this be another
sacrifice to a lust disease? But when Bart flopped down on Evan’s chest, his hair surprisingly soft against his skin, all of Evan’s questioned disappeared. He let out a breath and allowed his arm to wrap around Bart’s body. They shared the one blanket together, their bodies overwhelming and warm.
They breathed in silence for a long time. Evan thought that Bart had gone to sleep, until he turned over under his arms, his face now looking up at Evan. Evan bent down to press another kiss on his lips. Bart accepted the embrace, threading his fingers through Evan’s hair. They kissed with open mouths, but their pace was slow. When it was over, the same quiet and slightly perturbed face came over Bart again.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Bart said. The word in his mouth seemed flat. “Nothing is wrong.”
“Shouldn’t we be celebrating?” Evan said, rubbing his arms over Bart’s back. “I mean, look at us? I’m so glad this finally happened. And it’s only…what?” Evan turned slightly, glancing against at the kitchen clock. “Almost four in the morning?”
Bart yawned, covering his mouth and apologizing. “Better late than never, I suppose.”
When their eyes caught one another again, Evan couldn’t help himself—he kissed him. Again, and again, holding his face and pressing their mouths together. There was a desperation to his movements he didn’t quite acknowledge or realize. Bart pulled away first.
“I want to keep kissing you, I swear I do,” Bart smiled, “but we need to sleep.”
“I know,” Evan said. He looked down, and touched a thumb to Bart’s lips. “I’m just worried I’ll wake up and…”
“And I won’t be here. I know. We’re used to that.”
Evan nodded. “Liam used to say we did it on purpose. We sabotaged what could be great because we were worried about something we couldn’t name.”
Bart made a small noise in his throat. “I don’t think he was wrong. But I don’t think we should always take advice from him.”
“Yeah,” Evan said, his eyes wide. He felt another pang inside his chest over the loss of Sarah, but then remembered the certain tone of his voice in the last message. He reached behind himself, touching the landline phone on the coffee table. He played the message again.
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