by Helen Harper
I didn’t give anyone a chance to reply. There certainly wasn't anyone around here who was happy. Rubus looked at me with a serial-killer stare as I hauled Julie off. The waiters were in a panic at the mess I’d created, while the maître d’ was literally wringing his hands. Even the other restaurant patrons appeared unimpressed. They at least should be happy – I was giving them a show. All they had to do was whip out their mobile phones and sell the footage to one of the tabloids and their mortgage would be paid for a month. Honestly. People ought to be more grateful.
Aware that Rubus possessed the same fine hearing skills that I did, I pushed Julie to the back of the toilets and turned on all the automatic hand dryers to mask our voices. ‘What in gasbudlikin hell are you doing?’ I hissed at her.
She gazed at me coolly in return. ‘Taking a leaf from your book, darling. I'm getting the monster to trust me. He's already gaga at meeting me. Maybe I can be the heroine for once, instead of the damsel in distress.’
The last thing Julie had ever struck me as was a damsel in distress. I put my hands on my hips. ‘You are going to tell him you're a vampire. Aren’t you?’
‘I am. It is not a spur-of-the-moment decision, Mads. This is a calculated manoeuvre.’
‘You made me sign an NDA! A magical NDA! And you're just going to tell him over dinner that you're a member of the undead? Just casually drop it into conversation?’
Julie didn't flinch. ‘I requested that you sign the nondisclosure agreement because at the time I believed you were human,’ she said. ‘Now I know otherwise. By telling Rubus what I am, I will distract him. And that's what you need, isn't it? You need him distracted.’
Her eyes met mine. ‘If he gets his hands on that sphere that you are all so anxious about,’ she continued, ‘it's people like me who will suffer. Not people like you. You will get to trip off back to your homeland but I will die. This is my home, Mads. I have as much of a right to defend it as you do. Don't underestimate me. I'm a great deal older than you and a great deal wiser. I know what I'm doing.’
She reached behind her, grabbed a paper towel and dabbed at her top. ‘At least it’s not red wine,’ she muttered. Then she pushed past me and left. All I could do was watch her go.
I heaved in several breaths, trying to stay calm. Julie was indeed older than me; she also had her own mind and was her own person. But that didn't mean she shouldn’t recognise my obvious superiority and do everything that I told her to do. I had no idea how Rubus would react upon discovering that she was a vampire – and I had a very bad feeling about it.
I considered hiding out in the bathroom for the next hour. I could make like an ostrich: what I couldn't see and what I couldn't hear couldn't hurt me. I sighed. If only that were true. Madrona the Madhatter was many things and had many faults but she was not a coward. I straightened my shoulders and headed out after Julie.
The restaurant had worked fast. Not only had both the champagne and the glasses been replaced, but so had the tablecloth. All the same, I still received plenty of glares as I wound my way back to our table. Anyone would think I tried to assassinate a national treasure instead of trying to save her from herself.
From the expression on Rubus’s face when I sat down, Julie had already told him. I poured myself a glass of champagne and gulped it down.
‘You knew about this,’ he said accusingly.
I shrugged helplessly. ‘I told you, I signed an NDA. And not the sort of NDA where I might simply be sued for breaking the terms. It was the sort of NDA that make your damned Truth Spiders look like cuddly teddy bears.’
At that last part, keen interest lit Rubus’s eyes. That was all we needed, for him to work out how to replicate Julie's blood-enhanced contracts. Who needed pixie dust when you could turn your entire community into slaves by getting them to sign on the dotted line?
I cursed inwardly but, because I was also a brilliant actress, I gave him a fawning smile. ‘I really wanted to tell you,’ I said. ‘But I was physically incapable of doing so.’
Julie nodded. ‘It's true,’ she said. ‘I didn't give her any choice.’
He glanced at her. ‘You are fabulous,’ he breathed. ‘I thought you were fabulous before all this, Stacey. Now I know that you are truly a woman after my own heart.’
‘Her name is Julie,’ I said tiredly.
Julie smiled at Rubus. ‘You may call me whatever you wish,’ she husked as she leaned in closer to him.
‘Leave us, Madrona,’ he ordered, without even looking at me.
I folded my arms. ‘That was not our agreement.’
‘I assume you felt you had to stay here in order to protect your friend, given her true nature. But now I know her true nature and she knows mine, no one has anything to fear. I will not hurt her. Far from it.’ The intensity of his gaze deepened. ‘I will not hurt you, Julie,’ Rubus promised.
‘We'll be fine, Mads,’ she said. She appeared to be as focused on Rubus as he was on her.
I couldn't argue. I had no good reason to argue – other than the fact that Rubus was a genocidally inclined maniac, of course. I was supposed to be on his side; if I protested, I’d only lose more ground with him. The vampire was already out of the coffin. I'd just have to leave them to it.
‘Fair enough,’ I told them, trying to look like I wasn't in the slightest bit bothered. My presence would only outshine them anyway.
I picked up the champagne bottle from the ice bucket, tilted it up to my lips and took a swig. ‘I'm taking this with me,’ I said. It was rather galling that neither of them paid me the slightest bit of attention so I took another long gulp and sashayed out. No one watched me go.
Good grief. I had to get myself some less attractive and less famous friends.
Chapter Seventeen
Rubus’s car had vanished but, unfortunately for me, Finn hadn’t. I’d barely gone three steps from the restaurant before he marched over to me, his long arms swinging. I took another swig from the bottle of champagne and eyed him.
‘Have you ever been mistaken for an orang-utan?’ I enquired. I could imagine some well-meaning zoologist capturing him and returning him to some deep Sumatran jungle.
‘Where’s Julie?’ he snapped, ignoring my eminently sensible question. ‘What’s gone wrong?’
I sighed. ‘Julie’s still inside with Rubus. They’ve not even ordered their meal yet. They have, however, ordered me out.’
He snarled under his breath. ‘Why? What did you do?’
I spread my arms innocently. ‘I didn’t do anything, other than try to save Julie from herself. The fact that I failed epically is not because my powers are weak but because her powers are so strong.’
‘She has no powers,’ he snapped.
‘She has no magical powers,’ I agreed. ‘But her powers of wilful stubbornness and her ability to charm the pants off bastards like Rubus are going to be legendary.’
His eyes narrowed. I raised an enquiring eyebrow. ‘Are you imagining them having sex right now? Because I can tell you that if they are, it’s definitely Julie who’s on top.’
For a brief moment, I thought he was going to take a swing at me. Instead, he lunged for the champagne bottle. I let him have it. The poor man was clearly in need of a drink.
He gulped it down like water then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. ‘She told him, didn’t she? She told him what she is.’
‘Yep.’ I sniffed. ‘Against my advice, I might add. I take it you knew she was considering this action?’
His shoulders slumped. ‘She suggested it would be a good idea. She says she’s had enough of being weak and defenceless.’
‘She’s still weak and defenceless,’ I pointed out. ‘She’s just weak and defenceless and now secret-less too.’
‘She has nothing to offer Rubus,’ Finn reminded me. ‘She can’t do anything apart from live for a long time and drink blood.’
‘She can act.’
He grimaced. ‘Yeah. She can certainly do that.’
> The large Redcap seemed particularly morose. In the wake of his two dead brothers, he’d transferred his affections to Julie. I suspected that he needed to feel needed by someone. Now that she’d gone out all guns blazing, and revealed her identity to Rubus, she would no longer require his protection. That sucked, whichever way you looked at it.
‘Right now he’s in awe of her,’ I said. ‘He’s far too smitten to hurt her.’
Finn’s large fists bunched up. ‘I’d like to see him try.’ He tried to take another drink but, finding the bottle empty, tossed the champagne bottle to the side.
‘It’ll be fine,’ I reassured him.
He scowled. ‘I don’t like it when you’re nice. It’s not natural. To be honest, it makes me think that the world is about to end.’
I leaned over and gave him a hug. His body stiffened as if he were expecting a wallop instead. ‘The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Finn,’ I said cheerfully. ‘It’s still on my to-do list, though.’
‘Thank you,’ he mumbled. ‘I feel better now.’
I pulled back and grinned. ‘Any time.’ I glanced round. ‘Did Morgan have any problems with the car?’
He shook his head. ‘Nope. He broke in and got it started easily. He’ll dump it somewhere on the outskirts of the city. It’ll take Rubus a while to find it.’
I gave a satisfied nod. ‘That’s what we need.’ It wasn’t the car that was important, after all; it was the ring that Rubus had popped into the glove box that we wanted.
‘When’s the meeting with Mendax?’ I asked.
‘First thing in the morning. He refused to meet us tonight.’ Finn’s lip curled. ‘He’s probably busy counting his stupid gold for the umpteenth time.’
I nodded and considered going home to bed. Some sleep would be very welcome but I really wanted to see the look on Rubus’s face when he realised someone had boosted his car.
‘I’ve got a good vantage point over there,’ Finn said. ‘We can make sure Julie is safe and that she leaves the restaurant – and Rubus – without any problems. He’ll never know we’re here.’
Hmm. I scratched my chin. Keeping her safely out of Rubus’s clutches was probably worth staying up for, I supposed.
***
Forty minutes later, I was beyond bored. I mean, there’s bored and there’s bored. Like a blind person in an art gallery bored. Or a eunuch in a brothel on discount Monday bored.
Finn didn’t look bored; his face was constantly alert. If his ears could have pricked up like a dog’s, they’d have been standing to attention. His eyes swung up and down the street continuously. I just sighed continuously.
‘What course do you think they’re on now?’ I asked. ‘I mean, surely they’re having dessert, if not coffee.’
‘It looks like they’ve only just finished their starter,’ he said, squinting.
‘This is ridiculous. We’ll be here all night.’ I thought of my bed. It wasn’t the most comfortable place in the world but it was better than here. I was getting cramp and it was starting to drizzle. I didn’t even have Morgan around to entertain me. Or hug me. ‘Do you have a phone on you?’
Finn looked at me suspiciously. ‘Why?’
‘Well,’ I explained, ‘I was all set to have dinner with those two before they kicked me out. I’ve not eaten anything for hours and I’m probably wasting away as we speak. We can order pizza. It’ll pass the time and I’ll fill my belly.’ I patted my stomach fondly. ‘I’ll let you choose the toppings.’
‘Hawaiian,’ Finn said instantly.
I recoiled away from him. ‘What’s wrong with you? Pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza!’
‘Pizza is the only place where pineapple belongs,’ he said serenely.
Yuckity-yuck-yuck. ‘Very well. Hand over your phone. I’ll call.’
‘How do you remember about pineapple on pizza? How do you know you don’t like it?’
‘It’s not that I don’t like it,’ I told him, taking his phone. ‘It’s that I instinctively know that pineapple on pizza is rancid. It’s a fact of life. I can remember to speak English. I can remember how to walk. And I can remember that pineapple on pizza is only for crazy people.’ I glanced down and dialled the number.
Finn’s eyes narrowed even further. ‘You remember a pizza delivery number?’ He leaned over my shoulder. ‘What the fuck?’
I shrugged. ‘Oops. My finger slipped.’
‘999, what’s your emergency?’ the operator asked.
I dazzled Finn with a broad smile and answered. ‘Police, please!’ I said breathlessly. ‘I’m at La Boheme on South Street. There’s a man with a gun. He’s…’ I broke off into a scream and hung up. Then I stretched my smile even further.
Rather than being impressed, Finn looked furious. ‘You know they track mobile phones, right? You know the police have those capabilities?’
‘Oh.’ I shrugged. ‘I guess I have forgotten some things about daily life. Sorry.’ I dropped his phone and crunched it under my heel. ‘Problem solved.’ I clapped him on the arm. ‘You can thank me later.’
‘You’re a bloody idiot.’
I grinned. ‘Am I? Do you really want to hang around on this cold, wet street all night while they enjoy themselves inside? We’re saving the world, Finny boy. We don’t need to be damp and miserable while we’re doing it.’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t get,’ he said. ‘I just don’t get it. What on earth does Morgan see in you?’
‘You’re just jealous that I don’t want to get into your trousers too,’ I beamed.
Finn looked faintly disgusted but I was pretty sure I saw a glimmer of happiness too. I suspected it had nothing to do with relief at my declared lack of interest in him and everything to do with the fact that I’d sensibly cut short our stake-out.
‘What about my pizza?’
Sirens sounded from a street or two away. ‘I’ll owe you,’ I promised him. ‘Stay down. We need to make sure they don’t spot us.’
He muttered a grumbled curse under his breath but he did as I asked.
I’ll say this for Manchester’s finest: they could certainly move when they wanted to. Five police cars screeched up and, without waiting, the first officers smashed in the glass door to the restaurant. There were dismayed shrieks and squeals from inside. Impressive. Maybe I’d see if I could get myself a police uniform. The colour wouldn’t really suit me but if it garnered that sort of reaction it would be worth it.
All the customers and the staff were directed out onto the street. I watched, satisfied, as Julie and Rubus were included in that number. She looked as calm and relaxed as ever but he looked as if he were about to erupt. From his expression, he didn’t believe for one second that my prank call was a coincidence. I clutched Finn’s arm in ecstatic delight as Rubus whipped round from side to side, an angry light in his green eyes. Any second now…
His gaze fell on the spot where his car had been parked and he appeared to freeze. He marched over, gazing down at the smattering of smashed glass, then he whirled back and started remonstrating with the nearest policeman who was doing his level best to question an older couple about the mysteriously non-existent gun.
‘Someone’s stolen my car!’ Rubus yelled.
‘Sir,’ the policeman said calmly, ‘I’m going to have to ask you to wait. We are investigating a firearms disturbance. I will take your details in a second.’
Julie wandered over. ‘I don’t understand. What’s the problem?’
The copper did a double-take. ‘Julie Chivers!’
She curtsied. Rubus was having none of it, though. He grabbed the policeman by his collar and yanked him forward. ‘My car has been stolen! It was parked right there! This isn’t a coincidence. This—’ Whatever else he’d been planning to say was muffled by the pavement. Four policemen jumped on him and threw him to the ground, cuffing his wrists with one fluid movement. Rubus continued to yell and struggle.
‘This is brilliant!’ I whispered to Finn. ‘Where’s the popcorn?
I could watch this all night.’ I dusted off my palms. ‘Job done. Rubus will be banged up for the night for assaulting a police officer and Julie will be home safe before she can say “Pour me a G and T, darling”. Pretty impressive work, if I do say so myself.’
‘You’ve abused police resources. You terrified Julie, not to mention all those humans. The restaurant will need to spend a small fortune repairing both their door and their reputation. And all this because you couldn’t be arsed to wait another hour.’
I ticked off my fingers. ‘The police were probably bored and they could do with the practice. Julie is getting some extra publicity, which never did an actor any harm. Not to mention the fact that the restaurant will get its name in the papers too. There’s no such thing as bad press, you know. Plus they’ll have insurance. They’ll be fine.’ I smiled. ‘And we’ll be home and dry. Literally.’
‘You’re mad.’ Finn looked a bit ill.
I punched him lightly on the arm. ‘I keep telling you. I’m the Madhatter.’
Chapter Eighteen
When I got up the next morning, I was buzzing. I sprang out of bed with far more vim and vigour than I’d felt on previous mornings. I even felt energetic enough to lower myself to the floor and start a series of press-ups. The fact that I only managed half of one was neither here nor there; what was important was that I was on top of the world. No one could stop me. No one would dare.
I pulled on my clothes, pausing every so often to send out an attack jet of magic to the corners of my small room. I had more power than I’d realised. Chunks of plaster broke off from the walls and there were clouds of dust. The minor devastation made me feel even better.
Unwilling to let my good humour go to waste, I abandoned my efforts at magical destruction and skipped out to the corridor in order to find more victims. The very first person I banged into was the faery bouncer who I'd met while he was guarding Rubus's door. I cast a long, slow look across his large frame. I particularly enjoyed his grim, unhappy expression. Amellus, I suddenly remembered. That was what Rubus had called him.