Praise for
Get Out of Your Own Way
“Powerful, practical insights that can help many to live more rewarding lives—turning weaknesses into strengths. Get Out of Your Own Way to achieve more satisfaction in yourself and all your intimate relationships. Goulston & Goldberg show us specifically how to convert problems into opportunities. A rewarding, clear and pleasurable book.”
—Harold Bloomfield,
author, How to Survive the Loss of a Love
“Get Out of Your Own Way treats this sensitive subject with rare kindness and common sense. The sincere reader will benefit by learning that they are not alone in the ways they self-interfere and will treat themselves with greater kindness and understanding.”
—Tim Gallwey,
author, The Inner Game of Golf
“Busy entrepreneurs don’t have the time or energy to waste on feeling bad. This book can help you quickly confront and solve problems that get in the way of your success.”
—Jane Applegate,
author, Jane Applegate’s Strategies for
Small Business Success
“This book offers down-to-earth insights and no-nonsense exercises to overcome your self-defeating behaviors and get on the road to the health and happiness you deserve.”
—Kathy Smith,
America’s leading health and fitness expert
“This is a valuable book. It provides clear insight, compassionate understanding and practical solutions to forty self-defeating behaviors which can destroy your life if left unaddressed. Use it as a manual to free yourself from a self-imposed prison and create the life you truly want.”
—Jack Canfield,
coauthor, Chicken Soup for the Soul
Most Perigee Books are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchases for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, or educational use. Special books, or book excerpts, can also be created to fit specific needs.
For details, write: Special Markets, The Berkley Publishing Group, 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.
GET OUT
OF YOUR
OWN WAY
Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior
Mark Goulston, M.D.,
and
Philip Goldberg
A Perigee Book
A PERIGEE BOOK
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada
(a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)
Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Group Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.)
Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia
(a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.)
Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi—110 017, India
Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand
(a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.)
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa
Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.
Copyright © 1996 by Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg
Text design by Rhea Braunstein
Cover design by Wendy Bass
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.
PERIGEE is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
The “P” design is a trademark belonging to Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
First edition: February 1996
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Goulston, Mark
Get out of your own way : overcoming self-defeating behavior /
Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN: 978-1-101-65775-1
1. Self-defeating behavior. 2. Self-management (Psychology) I. Goldberg, Philip. II. Title.
BF637.S37G68 1996
1588.1—dc22 95-22993
Neither the publisher nor the author is engaged in rendering professional advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions contained in this book are not intended as a substitute for consulting with your physician. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestion in this book.
In loving memory of
Irving Goulston, Ideal Stotsky
and
William McNary
Contents
10 Things You Can Learn from Self-Defeating Behavior
Introduction: How to Beat Self-Defeat
1. Chasing After Love and Approval From a Parent
2. Getting Involved With the Wrong People
3. Procrastinating
4. Expecting Others to Understand How You Feel
5. Waiting Until It’s Too Late
6. Getting So Angry You Make Things Worse
7. Saying Yes When You Want to Say No
8. Holding a Grudge
9. Assuming They Don’t Want Anything in Return
10. Playing It Safe
11. Always Having to Be Right
12. Focusing on What Your Partner Is Doing Wrong
13. Putting up With Broken Promises
14. Trying to Make up While You’re Still Angry
15. Not Learning From Your Mistakes
16. Trying to Change Others
17. Rebelling Just for the Sake of Rebelling
18. Talking When Nobody’s Listening
19. Pretending You’re Fine When You’re Not
20. Becoming Obsessive or Compulsive
21. Taking Things Too Personally
22. Acting Too Needy
23. Having Unrealistic Expectations
24. Trying to Take Care of Everybody
25. Refusing to “Play Games”
26. Putting on an Act to Make a Good Impression
27. Being Envious of Others
28. Feeling Sorry for Yourself
29. Assuming the Hard Way Is the Right Way
30. Thinking “I’m Sorry” Is Enough
31. Holding It All In
32. Quitting Too Soon
33. Letting Others Control Your Life
34. Leaving Too Much to Chance
35. Letting Fear Run Your Life
36. Not Moving on After a Loss
37. Not Getting Out When the Getting Is Good
38. Not Asking for What You Need
39. Giving Advice When They Want Something Else
40. Backing Down Because You Don’t Feel Ready
Acknowledgments
Much appreciation and gratitude are owed to John Duff for his persistent faith in this book; to Lynn Franklin for her generous efforts on its behalf;
to Eric and Maureen Lasher for their early support and advice; and to Erika Schickel for her clerical help. For their ongoing encouragement, I am indebted to my colleagues Drs. Edwin Shneidman, Herbert Linden and Judd Marmor; to Michael Cader, Mark and Mia Silverman, Preston Johnson, Vicki Martin, Doug Kruschke, Brooke Halpin, Julie Turkel, Alan Duncan Ross and Marilyn Kagan; and to my mother, Ruth Goulston. To my wife, Lisa, and our children, Lauren, Emily and Billy, thanks for your understanding and tolerance of the time this book took away from you. And for their inspiration, thanks to all the patients who never gave up hope that they would overcome their self-defeating behavior.
10 Things You Can Learn from Self-Defeating Behavior
Since this book was first published, I have been extremely gratified by the response I’ve received from readers. I have also learned a great deal from those readers—and from the reaction to my “Top Ten” lists of things we can learn from the self-defeating behavior of public figures, from O.J. Simpson to President Clinton, which I’ve written for various publications. Thanks to the insightful readers who have applied the advice in this book to their lives, I have come to realize that there are universal lessons to be learned from understanding the nature of self-defeating behavior. Therefore, to help you get even more out of this book, here are the Top Ten Lessons I’ve Learned From Readers.
1. Work on it now. One of the greatest tragedies you can experience is to come to the end of your life and realize that it has not been everything you’d hoped it would be. Even more tragic is to realize that your failure to fulfill your hopes and dreams was due in large part to your inability to get out of your own way. It’s never too late. The time to overcome your self-defeating behaviors is now. Otherwise, you run the risk of suffering deep regret over opportunities missed, satisfaction lost, and love not given or received.
2. Jump from the frying pan onto the counter, not into the fire. In your haste to change a self-defeating behavior, make sure you don’t just substitute a different self-defeating behavior. The new one might even be more damaging than the original. Remember, if you shoot from your hip you can end up shooting yourself in the foot. Acting rashly in an effort to find a new coping mechanism can provide momentary relief only to complicate your life, damage your credibility, and end up making you hate yourself for acting foolishly. Instead of waiting until a similar situation arises and acting impulsively, figure out in advance what course of action would provide a lasting solution, not just a temporary substitution.
3. Avoidance is no solution. In an attempt to change a self-defeating pattern within a relationship, some people decide to avoid trouble by keeping their feelings to themselves. Staying angry and living with the pain seems to be a better choice than having another argument. The problem is, if you do not deal with hurt and disappointment quickly enough those feelings harden into resentment, anger, and hate. They fester inside and eventually turn into physical symptoms and/or emotional powder kegs. In the long run, it’s much less self-defeating to acknowledge the problem early on and deal with it effectively—with compassion, respect, and empathy.
4. There is nothing more futile than trying to change another person. In an attempt to take the easy way out, some people try to change others rather than work on their own self-defeating behavior. “Hey, I wouldn’t lose my temper if she stopped criticizing me!” “I wouldn’t have to criticize him if he wasn’t such a slob!” When it’s so difficult to change yourself, how on earth do you imagine that it will be a simple task to change someone else? You are better off concentrating on overcoming your own self-defeating behaviors and changing yourself for the better. As for the other person, they’re much more likely to come around if you use understanding and acceptance rather than coercion and guilt.
5. You can’t fix something until you admit it’s broken. A fine line separates being direct from being blunt, being assertive from being abrasive, being strong-minded from being stubborn, being sensitive from being histrionic, or being spontaneous from being impulsive. Knowing the difference means recognizing the truth about your behavior, which is the first step to positive change.
6. It takes seconds to destroy trust and years to rebuild it. The longer you persist in self-defeating behavior the more likely you are to lose the respect and trust of others. Even if no one is immediately hurt or offended by your actions, they will still become wary of what might happen next—and it can take a long time to earn back their respect and trust. So get on with it before the road back to respectability becomes too long to travel and all the sympathy you’re used to getting turns to pity. The longer you avoid changing, the more your friends will avoid you.
7. Where there’s a way, there’s a will. Studies show that people stay in unsatisfying jobs and relationships because they can’t find a way to change that feels right, makes sense, and is doable. Simply having the will is not enough. You also need a way. And in fact, sometimes the way precedes the will. Visualize a practical alternative to your self-defeating behavior. Then, when you find yourself starting down the rocky road to self-defeat, pause, reflect, and replace the destructive behavior with the more constructive way of dealing with the situation.
8. You can teach an old dog new tricks. Often, the main obstacle to change is a lack of confidence that you can actually learn and implement new approaches to old problems. To avoid making the commitment to grow, we sometimes look for flaws in every new idea and find a reason to reject them. That’s why, for instance, some people use the fact that computers sometimes crash as an excuse for keeping cumbersome paper files. They’re actually afraid they won’t be able to work the computer.
9. Self-involvement is usually at the root of self-defeating behavior in relationships. It’s great to work on your self-defeating behavior, but don’t get so obsessed that you lose sight of those who matter to you. The more preoccupied you are with yourself, the less likely you are to consider, acknowledge, or even notice other people. As a result, they feel hurt, frustrated, and angry—convinced that you don’t really care about them. That’s no way to keep a friend or lover. You can begin to repair such rifts only through empathy. Get in the habit of putting yourself in the other person’s shoes by asking yourself, “What is it like for him/her right now?”
10. Few things make you feel worse than giving in to self-defeating behavior, but few things make you feel better than overcoming it. Like eating sweets or having an affair, the high you feel after indulging in self-defeating behavior is short-lived. And the shame, guilt, and self-contempt you feel in their wake is not only chilling but long-lasting. But if you nip self-defeating behavior in the bud, resist the temptation to give in to it and replace it with a positive self-developing behavior, you will discover more self-esteem and self-respect than you have ever experienced in your life.
Introduction: How to Beat Self-Defeat
In 1972, after two grueling years in medical school, I was on the brink of dropping out. My class work felt oppressive, and I could not decide on a specialty because none of them appealed to me. What I liked was spending time with patients. I was moved by their suffering, and found that I had a natural inclination for calming them and easing their concerns. But, in an age of high-tech medicine, spending time talking to patients and alleviating their anxieties was considered lightweight. It was mere hand-holding. Doctors did hard work, heroic work, battling with death. I became so concerned about this dilemma, in fact, that I developed chronic stomach problems.
My mentor, the dean of students, arranged for me to participate in a program at the Menninger Foundation for Psychiatric Education and Research in Topeka, Kansas. I viewed it as a chance to be in a less pressured environment and sort out what I wanted to do. I got much more than I bargained for. After several weeks in the psychiatric wards, talking and listening to numerous patients, I thought for the first time of specializing in psychiatry. The work came easily and naturally to me. But, for that very reason, I resisted it. In my mind, work was not supposed to be something you enjoyed but something you end
ured. If it wasn’t hard, it wasn’t legitimate.
I told all this to the dean. He thought the answer was simple: become a psychiatrist.
“But that would be the easy way out,” I protested.
His reply changed my life: “Sometimes the easy way out is the right way in.”
The experience not only influenced my choice of careers but the way I subsequently practiced it. It made me vividly aware of the power of self-defeating behavior. I had come close to defeating myself in two ways that would later become chapters in this book: quitting too soon and assuming that the hard way is the right way. I was saved by a caring person whose wise words had an immediate impact and continued to guide me when I ran into obstacles. “Sometimes the easy way out is the right way in” is what I call a usable insight: a memorable phrase that not only illuminates but inspires constructive action.
Since then, I have spent more than two decades in clinical practice. I have tried to identify how my patients are defeating themselves and to give them the empathy and usable insights they need to beat self-defeat. This book was written to help readers like you do the same. It will enable you to change the patterns that have held you back and turn your behavior from self-defeating to life-enhancing.
THE IMPACT OF SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIOR
In my experience, self-defeating behavior is the main reason people go to psychotherapy. Nothing drives us crazier—or makes us hate ourselves more—than to realize we’ve been keeping ourselves from gaining the love, success and happiness we want in our lives. That’s what self-defeating behavior does. It works against our own best interests. It defies our deepest desires. It creates more problems than it solves. That’s why, when you catch yourself at it, you want to scream in exasperation, “I can’t believe I did that again! I should have known better! I’m my own worst enemy!”
Get Out of Your Own Way Page 1