If you treat a long shot like a sure thing, it’s a sure thing you will end up disappointed. But if you treat a long shot like a long shot and a sure thing like a sure thing, you are a good bet to get everything you deserve out of life.
USABLE INSIGHT:
Just because it’s reasonable doesn’t mean it’s realistic.
TAKING ACTION
Next time you want something, ask yourself how likely it is to happen.
List everything that’s necessary to achieve your goal.
Look at yourself objectively and evaluate your ability to accomplish what has to be done.
Rate your goal on a scale of 1–10 with 1 being totally unrealistic and 10 being a sure thing. The lower the score, the more important it is to have a backup plan that will work.
Set your expectation level at “want to have it,” “need to have it,” or “gotta have it,” according to how realistic your goal is.
Try not to feel “gotta have it” with a long shot unless you’re prepared to be devastated.
Trying to Take Care of Everybody
“It is easier to mend neglect than to quicken love.”
—SAINT JEROME
“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.”
—BILL COSBY
Whenever I feel overextended, I think of the street performer in Venice, California, who juggles chain saws. I am awed by the intensity with which he concentrates on each ferocious saw as he plucks it from the air. The slightest distraction, and he could easily lose an arm.
Like the juggler, I need to focus sharply on each role I play—husband, father, son, brother, therapist, friend, teacher—only in some respects my task is harder: the performer juggles chain saws, but I have to juggle people. Because all my roles are important, and the amount of time I can give to them is limited, I have to make sure that every person who matters to me does not feel neglected.
For a busy person, trying to do justice to everyone’s needs is self-defeating because you usually end up doing justice to no one, including yourself. If you spread yourself too thin, you not only risk burnout but the scorn and anger of people who expect you to be there for them.
“The fact is that the Americans are not a thoughtful people; they are too busy to stop and question their values.”
—WILLIAM RALPH
The key is to make each person feel important when you’re with them. Of the many busy people I know, the ones who manage their juggling acts best are those who give each activity and each person their undivided attention. At the office, they are totally engaged in their work; at home, the office is history and they focus on their roles as spouses and parents; when they are with their mother, boss or accountant, they are immersed in the roles of adult child, employee or client. Each entrance and exit is crisp, and most of the time no one feels shortchanged.
I say “most of the time” because there are always periods in a busy person’s life when loved ones do feel shortchanged. When that happens, I advise the person to tell others, “You’re the most important spouse I have. You kids are the most important children I have. My career is the most important career I have. And I’m the most important self I have. If I’ve made you feel unappreciated, then I’ve been remiss. I’m sorry, but please understand that every part of my life is important.”
However, you have to do more than explain. You can demonstrate someone’s importance only through your actions. If, for example, you fail to deliver on your promises, no amount of comforting words will make your child or spouse feel valued. It is also important to be proactive rather than reactive. People feel important not when you comply with their requests but when you initiate commitments on your own. Agreeing to show up at your kid’s soccer game is one thing, but it is quite another to say, without being reminded, “You have a big game coming up, don’t you? I can’t wait to see it.”
If you make people feel important, they won’t feel deprived of your time. But keep the following caveats in mind. First, beware of doling out your time so equitably that everyone feels deprived. Some people are more important than others; make sure they know it. Second, you too are important, so don’t feel guilty about devoting time to yourself. Third, as long as everyone is making a sincere effort to be fair, you and the people in your life should cut each other some slack. The way society is structured, the amount of time we spend on something often bears no relation to the true value we assign to it.
Juggling people may not be as physically dangerous as juggling chain saws, but it does entail risks. If you get careless, you won’t sever an arm, but you might sever a valued relationship. If you make people feel important, however, you can hold onto everyone without fear of losing your grip.
USABLE INSIGHT:
Everything competes for time, but no one should have to compete for importance.
TAKING ACTION
One way to show people how much you value them is to demonstrate the Three C’s:
Concern. Let them express worries, fears and frustrations without interrupting or rushing them.
Curiosity. Show an interest in them before they ask you to. “Did you have a good day?” does not convey much interest, whereas “How did that meeting go?” shows that you are aware of, and care about, the details of their lives.
Confidence. Show respect for them and faith in their ability to handle problems. Instead of leaping in with advice, ask questions such as “What do you think you’ll do next?” or “When will you let them know your decision?”
Refusing to “Play Games”
“When the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name—
He marks—not that you won or lost—but how you played the game.”
—GRANTLAND RICE
“In play there are two pleasures for your choosing—
The one is winning, and the other losing.”
—LORD BYRON
People often complain to me about the game-playing of lovers, family members and business associates. Sometimes they refuse to play the game because they have legitimate moral objections or feel irate over having been manipulated. However, in most cases they bow out for less compelling reasons and deny themselves the rewards of the game. They lie to themselves that they’re “above” the game or that the goal of the game is unimportant to them. What they’re really concerned about is their inability to play the game as well as they would like.
Show me someone who says, “I can’t stand playing games,” and in most cases I’ll show you someone who plays them poorly. A good example was a salesperson in the chemical industry named Beth. Competent and exceptionally driven, she had never quite achieved the level of success to which she had aspired. Of her peers who had reached those heights, she would scoff, “They’re game-players. They schmooze, they flatter, they go to the right parties. I can’t stand all that phoniness, otherwise I’d be where they are.”
Beth pretended she was above it all when in fact she was simply out of it. A trained chemist, she had entered sales because of the earning potential but found that her scientific expertise was not enough. She was socially awkward. People felt uncomfortable around her. But, rather than acquire the social skills that grease the wheels of commerce, she adopted an air of self-righteousness that only alienated people further.
“Life is the game that must be played.”
—EDWIN ARLINGTON ROBINSON
Some games are clearly not worth playing. These include games in which the intent is to harm others; games that demand that players be deceptive, devious, or cutthroat; and games whose penalty for losing is excessive. Playing such games will usually damage your self-respect or your reputation. You not only lose friends and influence no one, but you can also become paranoid; inside, you think that if you’re being devious, others are probably doing the same to you. And your guilty conscience will one day demand penance.
However, many games are not only harmless, but valuable and life-enhancing; rather than being cold and ru
thless, they are actually expressions of sensitivity. Perhaps the best example I’ve ever heard was the game played between Iris and Henry McCarver throughout their 55-year marriage. When Henry was dying, confined to a hospital bed with a morphine drip to dull his pain, Iris was at his side constantly. At one point she touched her husband tenderly on the back of his hand. “I have a confession to make,” she whispered. “All these years I’ve been absolutely crazy about you. I always wanted you, but I played hard to get because I knew how much you liked the chase.”
Summoning his strength, Henry smiled and said, “That’s one of the things I loved you for.”
Even those who advocate honesty at any cost would have to see the beauty of their little game.
Ultimately, what counts is not whether you win or lose but whether the game is worth playing. Games that unfairly take advantage of others are likely to confirm the adage, “What goes around comes around.” Worthwhile games exploit opportunities rather than people, have clear and fair rules, and are not zero-sum—that is, no one has to lose in order for someone to win.
USABLE INSIGHT:
The best defense against game-playing is to play the game well.
TAKING ACTION
When you find yourself reluctant to play a game, determine if it’s because you don’t want to or because you don’t know how to.
If you don’t want to play, ask yourself why. If the answer is satisfactory, don’t play.
If you decide to play, find out what you have to do to play the game well. One way is to study what a winning player does.
Learn the rules. In both interpersonal and institutional games, the rules are often unexpressed. Half the battle is figuring them out.
Know your capacities. Do you have what it takes to play the game well?
Know the other players. Who are your adversaries? Who are your allies? Whom can you trust?
Learn to keep your cool. Many games are lost because a player tightens up when faced with the unexpected. Use the art of the timely pause to keep your wits about you.
Know your limits. Are there aspects of game-playing that would compromise your dignity to the extent that you would have to stop playing?
Putting on an Act to Make a Good Impression
“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
—SHAKESPEARE
“Looks like I’m headed for another love-hate relationship,” said Carol. “You know, the kind where I love him and hate me.”
To her credit, Carol still had a sense of humor, even after a series of disastrous relationships. Raised to be modest and to defer to others, she had married a controlling, self-absorbed man, divorced him, then found herself dating other men exactly like him. “Their interest in me extended to how much interest I showed in them,” she said. Now 34 and a successful photographer, she was determined to find a man who would return the concern she was accustomed to giving.
She had recently met a man she liked, but on their first date she found herself slipping into the same pattern. Paul spoke mainly about himself and made all the decisions about what they would do, and Carol held back; she did not talk about her work or express her opinions, and she deferred to all of Paul’s suggestions.
“We are betrayed by what is false within.”
—GEORGE MEREDITH
Like Carol, we all try to put our best foot forward at the beginning of a relationship. Because we want to be accepted, we mind our manners, try not to offend and conceal our flaws and weaknesses. Men usually try to convey an impression of competence while keeping a lid on how needy or possessive they can be. They might try to portray themselves as sensitive, but few will actually show their vulnerability; to do so would be to admit they can be hurt, and in their eyes that is equivalent to being weak. Women, on the other hand, tend to downplay their strength and accomplishments so as not to intimidate men. They are also leery of coming across as demanding or insecure, knowing that those qualities can push a man away. So, like Carol, they make a great effort to be attentive and agreeable.
However, there comes a time in every relationship when the parties let their guards down. Hidden flaws, needs and imperfections begin to leak out, and the longer they have been concealed, the stronger the shock and the greater the disruption to the relationship.
The problem is often made worse by another form of not being real: allowing someone’s insensitive or hurtful behavior to pass without comment. We fear that if we try to hold the other person accountable, we will seem demanding and drive him or her away. Unfortunately, if we fail to express disapproval, the unacceptable traits can become habitual. Our resentment builds, and we eventually end up overreacting. Then we seem more than demanding; we seem abrasive and intolerant.
As I told Carol, it is crucial to put your real foot forward as early in the relationship as possible. Otherwise, the other person will grow to like someone you are not, and that leads only to trouble. Intimacy is built on trust. If you don’t trust the other person enough to be yourself, you can’t be intimate, and neither can he or she. Also, someone who lives a lie usually comes across as weak. In Carol’s case, the men she worked so hard to please would invariably lose respect for her—and so would she.
“Right now, Paul likes how you make him feel,” I told her. “But you’ll feel better if he likes you for who you really are.” I urged her to find a way to show Paul she was not some self-sacrificing woman who would tolerate a self-centered man. If he couldn’t handle it, he was the wrong guy for her.
“The highest compact we can make with our fellow is—‘Let there be truth between us two forevermore.’ ”
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON
What Carol did was so creative it won my lasting admiration. Over dinner on their next date, as Paul was rambling on about his business, she looked at him with an enigmatic smile. Intrigued, he asked, “What are you thinking?”
“I was just trying to figure out if you were a jerk,” said Carol. “If you are, we can still be friends. I just want to be clear from the start.”
Paul was secure enough to laugh. “I guess I can be awfully full of myself when I’m trying to impress someone,” he said.
“That’s okay,” said Carol playfully. “I can be a real bitch myself.”
Carol’s unusual approach demonstrated that she was a confident woman who did not suffer fools gladly. It commanded Paul’s interest, not to mention his respect. His next words were, “Well, that’s a start. I want to know everything about you.” Her honesty also had the salutary effect of encouraging Paul to relax and put his real foot forward.
“Truth is such a rare thing, it is delightful to tell it.”
—EMILY DICKINSON
The next time you find yourself putting up a false front, ask yourself why you would want to be around someone who likes what you’re not. But before you display yourself in all your truthful splendor, understand that if you reveal too much too soon, you can scare the other person away. One patient of mine would pour forth virtually her entire biography the minute she met an attractive man, along with a checklist of exactly what she was looking for in a relationship. The men felt like they were at an audition, not on a date. On the other hand, if you wait too long, tension will accumulate, and when the charade finally ends, the other person will probably feel resentful. Mark Twain was surely right when he said, “When in doubt tell the truth.” But I’m sure he would agree that in truth-telling, as in comedy, timing is everything.
USABLE INSIGHT:
Put your real foot forward first.
TAKING ACTION
Be yourself from the very beginning of a relationship. Why would you want to be involved with someone who doesn’t like you for you?
Be honest without being blunt. Express your needs, wishes or frustrations as statements of your feelings, not as demands or ultimatums. For instance, “It frustrates me when you say we need to talk and then interrupt me if I say something you don�
�t like.”
When sharing your troubles, don’t make the other person feel sorry for you or responsible for solving your problems.
When you talk about things you’re proud of, do so without arrogance or conceit.
When you express disapproval about someone’s behavior, a) preface it by saying something positive about him, b) use nonjudgmental phrases such as, “It upsets me when …” and c) invite him to share something about you that upsets him.
Once you’ve put your real foot forward, keep it there. It usually takes real perseverance to get into the habit of being honest at all times.
Being Envious of Others
“It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.”
—AESCHYLUS
In Stephen Crane’s classic novel, the main character envies the “red badge of courage” on wounded soldiers. Obviously, it is self-destructive to wish your body were torn up like those of men dying on a battlefield. But it can also be self-defeating to envy others their success, status, luck, good looks or any other attribute.
For one thing, envy makes you feel ashamed. Most of us like to think we can wish others well when they have something we would like to have ourselves. When we can’t—and especially if we find ourselves wishing the other person did not have what we want—we hate ourselves for being petty and self-centered. Also, dwelling on what others have and we lack can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy: not only does it lessen us in our own eyes, but few people want to be intimate with, or do business with, someone who constantly feels deprived. Finally, envy turns good enough into not enough. It makes you feel the pain of deprivation even when you’re not actually deprived. And that sense of misfortune can reach such proportions that it becomes impossible to feel contentment, satisfaction or gratitude, all of which are necessary ingredients for happiness. A life deprived of those qualities is desolate indeed.
Get Out of Your Own Way Page 9