"No, because it's your body and you can do whatever you want to do with it. It's really sick that you aren't even concerned about my safety, my peace of mind, my mental health, all of those things could have been taken from me. They were taken from me when this happened. The one thing you are worried about is my body. It's my body! I'll worry about my body, do you understand?"
"Yes, I'm sorry."
"You are sorry."
I left. I needed to get away from him. All this time I thought he was acting strange because he was still in shock. It turns out that he was only turned off by me because of the idea that someone else had had me. Someone else had had what he never had. Someone else had had what he had been waiting nearly a decade for. He wasn’t concerned about me at all, he was only concerned with himself. That wasn’t what I was use to with him. With him everything was usually all about me, he usually catered to me. I knew his behavior since the incident had been off but I just thought that was his own way of grieving.. Now I knew. He thought he had lost something precious, something that he felt was supposed to be saved for him, something that he thought belonged to him. I was disappointed. I just wanted to see my best friend.
I knocked on her door. It took a while before it cracked open. She poked her head out and glanced from side to side before opening the door just enough for me to get in and she closed it swiftly behind me.
"Girl, what's wrong with you?"
I couldn’t say anything, I could only let out a few pitiful sobs.
"What’s wrong baby?" She pulled me into the apartment and slammed and locked the door.
Her apartment wasn't very spacious, a studio loft. It didn't take us long to walk from the door to the couch. She kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn't get anything out. I didn't know what was wrong, I just knew that I didn't want to be anywhere near Omar. Even though I didn't know what was wrong, I knew that Maya was the only person who could understand me. She was the only person who had been with me when it happened, the only person who had experienced the fear of coming so close to being so violated but made it out in the nick of time. Just then, something came to mind.
"Maya, the guy, who was, attacking you, did he...?" I couldn't finish the sentence.
Apparently, she couldn't speak much about it either, she simply nodded her head. I felt like a disgrace. This entire time I didn't know that I had escaped being violated, but my best friend didn't. No wonder she hadn't wanted to see anyone in the hospital. No wonder her stay in the hospital was longer. I leaned towards her and wrapped my arms around her.
"I'm so sorry." I whispered.
"It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's not anyone's fault. But we have to get them. We have to testify."
"OK."
"Are you going to tell me what happened? Why are you here? I know it wasn't to ask me one question. You could've texted me."
"I got into an argument with Omar."
"Really?" She seemed genuinely surprised, "You guys never argue, what was it about?"
"He's been acting really weird since everything happened. I didn't know why. Today I finally got him to talk about it. It turns out he was pouting because the man had touched me. He was really bothered by the idea that he had actually had sex with me. Probably some fetish he has about my virginity. Maybe he feels like because he has waited for it so long that is somehow belongs to him. Then some strange guy came and took it from him. What he doesn't understand is even if it had been taken, there was nothing taken from him. It's mine, not his. It doesn't belong to him, it belongs to me. At this point I don't know if I want to give it him at all."
"I'm having a hard time believing this. I mean, I never took him for the type to act so selfish and pricky. One thing I do have to tell you is if you don't want to give it to him, you probably shouldn't be marrying him." She shrugged.
"This has me questioning everything. Our relationship, our engagement, our future wedding. He wants to have kids, I don't."
"I don't want to have kids."
I looked at her and smiled, "I'm starting to think that Omar was right about you."
"After what happened, I'm starting to think he was right. It was literally the worst."
"I'm really sorry that happened to you."
"Really, don't be sorry, at least now I'm sure that I don't like it."
"You really can't make that decision based off of that experience."
"I've known for a while now."
"Wow. I'm learning something new about my best friend today."
"I'm surprised you didn't know. I'm really surprised that Omar knew before you. I'm not surprised that his cousin knew, because, well, she's gay as hell."
"I'm genuinely in shock about this right now, how did you know?"
"I mean ever since I was a little girl I just kind of knew that boys didn't really interest me, besides to beat them up and maybe play tag. Girls were always really cute to me, you were especially cute to me." She got up from the couch, leaving me there speechless. She walked a few feet to her kitchen, she found a bottle of wine and two cups for us, and came back to sit down and I still hadn't said a word. "I always thought that maybe you were the same as me because you never seemed much interested in boys either." She gave me a curious look as she said this and took a sip of wine.
"I think the reason I was never very interested in boys was because I was always just really focused on my school and extracurricular activities. My aunt simply was not playing that."
"Yeah, but, I have 'gay-dar'. It goes off crazy around you."
"All this time I thought I was straight as an arrow." I said jokingly.
"I beg to differ, which is why I was always really curious as to why you would agree to marry Omar."
"He's my best friend."
"If you're going to marry someone they should be more than your best friend. They should be your soulmate."
"I don't think I have a soulmate."
"I do."
"Do I know them?"
"You are them." She said with a wink and another sip of her wine.
I still hadn't had one sip but at this point but now I needed a whole swig. I picked up the glass and drained half of it down my throat. I didn't know what to say. I had come to talk about how much I hated Omar. How I was confused and not sure if I wanted to be with him. I guess she was trying to be a good best friend, giving me a solution. Was it a good idea to just throw away ten years because of his reaction to one major life event? My taught me to never ignore a red flag. This was a major red flag. It made me feel like he only wanted to marry because I was a virgin. When he felt like I had had my virginity taken away his whole demeanor toward me changed, as if it wasn't worth it to him anymore. As if he only wanted me because I was pure and could rear and raise his children. That wasn't the life I wanted. I wanted someone who loved me for me, under any circumstance. I thought that was Omar. Now looking at Mya, she was looking at me like I was the most beautiful person in the world. I think I was focusing my attention on the wrong person.
"I don't want to make you feel weird. I hope that this doesn't make our relationship awkward."
"It won't."
"I do want you to think about it. OK?"
"I will."
"OK good. Now since you're here, I'm going to need you to put on some dance clothes and get to practicing. That's the best way for me to let out anger, frustration, sadness, whatever. Since it happened I've been dancing my ass off. I've probably lost about ten pounds in the last couple weeks."
"Nah, you're still fat." I said laughing and getting up from the couch.
"Please, the only thing fat about me is my ass."
"OK, that's not a lie."
We both laughed, she brought me some dance clothes and I changed in front of her, deliberately. The idea of her actually having a crush on me was very appealing. I wanted to watch her watch me and she did. She sat there on the couch, leaned back, legs crossed, sipping her wine and smiling light as ever. It was the first time I had noticed that she h
ad a very masculine vibe to her, not that she looked like or dressed like, or even acted like a man. She was beautiful, any man would fall hands over feet to be with her, but her sex appeal was very masculine. Like she would be dominating. Once I was dressed, which the clothes she gave me weren't much to cover me at all. A small tank top, spandex booty shorts, and a long pair of socks that came all the way up to my thighs.
I didn't know what I was feeling as I watched her stretch, but soon the moisture in my pants told me that I must be turned on. I never felt the feeling before, not even with Omar. I started to think that Omar was right about me too. We started practicing, but due to me not having practiced nearly as much as Maya had over the last two weeks I was a little rusty on some of the moves. She helped me out, guiding my steps. When I didn't do a move exactly as it should be executed she would grab my thigh and move it into the correct position. Every time, I could feel a deep tingle shoot from where touched me to my groin. I knew she couldn't feel it, but she knew I was feeling some type of way. She would look back at me every now and then and smile sweetly. Was she flirting? I didn't know what to do. Was I flirting? Eventually we were both tired and collapsed on her hardwood floors, sweaty and gasping. I felt like we had just done more than dance. She fed me before I left. I went back to my apartment. When I got back home Omar wasn't there, but there were more flowers and a card. He apologized for being so insensitive. I threw the flowers and card in the trash and went to sleep. Something had changed. I wasn't sure what, but something felt different.
THE NEXT DAY I MET my father for lunch. He suggested the place, a soul food restaurant that was a little further out from my area of New York City than I liked to travel. I went there with him because he made me feel safe. He smiled as he scanned the menu, and he constantly suggested things I should try but some of them were a little too far out for me, like chitterlings and pig feet. I quickly realized that soul food involved a lot of pig parts and pork products. My aunt hadn't feed me much of that growing, but I took a leap of faith and decided to try something different. I ordered a platter with fried pork chops and cat fish, baked macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, greens, yams, and sweet potato pie.
"So how have you been baby girl?" He asked after our food came and he took a bite.
"I'm better than I was a couple weeks ago, but still not so good. I don't even know how to describe it."
"No worries, I know it can be hard to understand how you feel right now. Trying to sort out those feeling can be confusing. All I can say is that I'm sorry that I wasn't stronger for you after it happened. It was just overwhelming for me since I had been feeling so much guilt that I already missed so much of your life. I was excited to be a part of your wedding, one of the most important moments in a young woman's life. Then this happened. Yes it happened to you and not me, but I really feel like for the first time, I truly understood what it felt like to be a real father. I felt hurt too. I felt like it had happened to me too, and I felt like I had let you down and even though I would have had no way to know that this was going to happen. I feel like I should have been there for you."
"I get that, but you were there. I saw your face when I woke up, and at least you could stand to touch me after it happened, unlike someone else."
"Yeah, you're fiancé was really shook about the entire situation."
"I'm not really sure if he is my fiancé anymore."
"What happened?"
"The only reason he was so shook is because he thought someone had taken my precious virginity from him."
"Wait, you're a virgin?"
"Yeah. Is it that surprising?"
"It's not surprising at all. Just not so common these days to find a woman who's waiting for marriage."
"That's the thing I don't think I was waiting for marriage. I was just waiting for the right person."
"Then he is not the right person?"
"Why do you say that?"
"You say you aren't waiting for marriage and you're just waiting for the right person. If that was the case, I mean you guys have been dating for how long?"
"Almost ten years."
"So, if he was the right person, you probably would have done it already."
"Maybe."
"Your mom was a virgin when we met also, I hope that's not too much information."
"Kind of, but whatever."
"She knew she wanted to wait for marriage. But she knew I was the right one,. That's the only reason she shared herself with me. Marriage is just a piece of paper. When you find your soul mate, you know it. You can be with someone for ten years waiting for a sign they are the one and never get it. Marrying them isn't going to change that.. It's just going to make society more accepting of your relationship."
"What if my soul mate has been there all along, but I just looked at them as a best friend?"
"Who Maya?"
"What makes you think I'm talking about her?" I laughed nervously wondering if everyone knew something I didn't know about myself.
"Well, that's the only person I have ever heard you call your best friend, unless you have another."
"No. That's who I'm talking about. Last night I found out she's a lesbian and she actually has always had a big crush on me. She told me I'm her soul mate. She said it's no pressure if I don't feel the same."
"Do you?"
"I don't know."
"It's going to be pretty hard to walk up to that alter and say 'I do' if you don't even know right now two months before."
"I know, which is why I'm thinking about calling it all off, and please don't mention that to anyone, you're the first person I've admitted that to except Maya, but I tell her everything anyway."
"Who would I tell? I haven't even met anyone you know.?
"Oh yeah," I laughed, "We have to work on that."
"Now I'm a little bit disappointing simply because I was so excited to walk you down the aisle."
"Wow, you would be willing to do that?"
"Of course, I would. I'm your father, who else was going to do it?"
"That's so funny, because that's one of the main reasons I wanted to find. I was afraid to ask you because I thought it might be awkward. I didn't expect for us to become close so quickly. I'm glad we did though, and I appreciate so much the fact that you are willing to do that for me."
"But it looks like now you won't need me for that."
"I haven't decided for certain that I want to call of the wedding. I'm just seriously considering it."
"The way you are talking about it right now, and the way you are talking about your best friend," He made finger quotations around the words 'best friend', "It sounds like you've made your mind up."
"I want to talk to him. I'm hoping when I do he eases my mind and reminds me why I love him and why I agreed to marry him in the first place."
"Don't force it."
"I won't."
Chapter 14
Once I was home I started to wonder how my life had started falling apart at the seams in the last couple months and how I was going to pull it back together. I went to practice with Maya every day, I never skipped a day, lately she had become my favorite person and my favorite thing to do was hang out with her either in my apartment or in hers. We were already best friends but somehow, I felt like we had grown even closer over the weeks. I told Omar that it might be best for him to get his own apartment for the time being as me and Maya were using mine to practice in a lot. He seemed extremely put off by the idea but didn't fight it too much.
Before we knew it was time for our audition, we were both scared shitless but we made it look easy, it would be another two weeks before we got the results but we still spent every day with each other. Omar called me every day, all day and night. I had no desire to talk to him. I was falling in love with Maya and I didn't want to see or spend time with anyone else, even my aunt started to question the amount of time we sere spending with each other. She would tease that we had become lesbian lovers and we would laugh nervously and she would g
ive us this crazy look. The only person that I think suspected anything at all was Omar. He constantly texted me.
'So, did Maya confess her love to you, because you seem to be spending a lot of time with her lately, at our house, in our bed, while I'm living in a cramped apartment that I had no choice but to take because this is the worst season to try to find an apartment in New York.'
I ignored him and then I got another text.
'I hope you two are happy.'
I bit.
'We are happy because we care about each other, more than just about what is between our legs. She makes me feel safe when she is here. The only thing you care about is my virginity and when you thought I no longer had that to offer you you were ready to throw the whole entire relationship away. How am I supposed to feel about you? Just give me my space. I will see you at the rehearsal dinner.'
'The rehearsal dinner is the night before our wedding, I haven't seen your face, touched you or kissed you in two weeks. I called you a week ago to see how the audition went and you sent me straight to voicemail. Now all we do is text. You mean to tell me that I'm only going to get to text with my future wife for a whole month before my wedding?'
'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'
‘I guess I'm not going to be meeting your father? He is the one who started all this mess. ever since you went looking for him nothing but bad things have been happening. The whole point of you trying to find him was so that he could walk you down the aisle on our wedding. Now you're acting like you don't even want to get married.'
'Give me some space Omar!'
'Did you even ask him to walk you down the aisle?'
'I didn't, but he told me that he would be willing to. I told him to hold that thought because I wasn't sure if I was going to be walking down an aisle.'
'The man who left his pregnant girlfriend, and abandoned his daughter after her mother died, and left his fiancé and her two children stranded at the alter is now encouraging you to run away from everything in your life as well.'
'Please just leave me alone.'
'I can't believe you are acting like this. Do you not remember that I was the only person who supported you when you said you wanted to find your father? Now that you found him you have gotten rid of me. That woman who is probably lying next to you right now didn't support you, in fact she said it was plain stupid for you to do in the first person. The only time she started supporting you was when you said that you would audition with her for the dance academy because she thinks that you suck and she would look better dancing next to you.'
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