‘That’s very sad,’ said Mr Sredna. ‘A big boy like you should have grown out of toys. A big boy like you should have got yourself a girlfriend.’
Jack crawled back upon his bottom, but he really had nowhere to crawl to.
‘In a way I’m sorry that you have to die too.’ Mr Sredna grinned as he spoke. He didn’t look that sorry. ‘Folk here are so dull, do you know what I mean? They lack any kind of spirit. But you’re full of it. Independent. And tricking me into believing that you were Jon Kelly: inspired.’
‘Rather obvious, I would have thought,’ said Jack.
‘I’m trying to pay you a compliment. Being an innovative hands-on sort of a God is a very lonely calling. You can always do with a bit of stimulating conversation. But I never seem to be able to get that. No one in my own league, you see. So I just make do with having lots of sex. They’re very sexy, my women, aren’t they?’
‘You’re quite mad.’ Jack curled his lip. ‘You’re insane.’
‘They said that about Hitler. Fancy Jon Kelly telling you about him. But Hitler wasn’t actually mad. He was the way I made him: a bit of a prototype. Wait until the folk out there find out what the new president of America is going to do. They sent Jon Kelly here because they were worried about the way he was behaving. They have no idea, but it is going to be spectacular. He’ll be employing a private army. And my private army will be unstoppable.’
‘And then you’ll be in charge of everything, will you? Not just here in Toy City.’
‘Today Toy City! Tomorrow the World!’ Mr Sredna laughed that laugh that evil geniuses laugh. The one that really gets on the hero’s nerves.
‘Mad.’ Jack wiped tears from his eyes. ‘Quite mad.’
‘It’s simply beyond your comprehension.’ Mr Sredna reached down with his clawed hand and hauled Jack back up by the throat, lifting him once more from his feet. ‘Small minds have no comprehension. I am indeed one of a kind, placed upon this planet by the Big Figure himself.’
‘You’ll answer to Him,’ said Jack. ‘You’ll answer to God.’
‘Oh, I don’t think so. He’s no longer interested in this planet. The universe really is a big construction kit, given to him as a birthday present by his father. But you know what kids are. Once they’ve done a jigsaw or completed some puzzle or other, they’re no longer interested in it. God gave mankind free will, they say. God does not interfere in the affairs of man, they say. It’s because he’s not interested. He’s done this planet. He’s moved on. Perhaps one day he will put the entire kit back in its box, but probably not. You know kids, do they ever put anything back in its box?’
‘So you’ll rule here?’ Jack’s hopelessness was now all-consuming, and the terrible emptiness he felt, with Eddie dead, left him without much in the way of a will to live – although he would have dearly loved to have wrung the life from the toymaker’s evil twin. ‘You’ll rule this planet and no one can stop you?’
‘I don’t see anyone, do you?’
Jack might have shaken his head, but with the hand so tightly fixed about his throat, he was unable to do so. ‘And so can you be killed?’ Jack managed to say.
Mr Sredna laughed once more. ‘Of course I can be killed; I’m not immortal. I’m very much like the nursery rhyme folk in that respect; old-time craftsmanship, you see, built to last. I mean, look at me, Jack. Not bad for a man of six thousand, am I? That Adam and Eve who seeded the garden in the outer world didn’t last too long. Things really are different in this world. We still have the magic. So, yes Jack. I can be killed, but not by you. You left the gun back in the chocolate factory after you shot the wrong head. There are no more twists in the tale left for you.’
And the fingers closed about Jack’s throat.
And that, for all it seemed to be, was sadly that for Jack.
31
It is a fact, well known to those who know it well, that, at the moment of death, your entire life flashes right before your eyes.
In fact, this fact is known to almost everyone. Although why this should actually be is something of a mystery.
Because, let’s face it, who has actually verified this fact?
Has anyone ever really come back from the dead to tell it like it is?
No, they haven’t.
‘Oh yes they have!’ cry those who lack for a life and a girlfriend. ‘Otherwise how would we know this fact?’
But, ‘Oh no they haven’t,’ reply the knowers. ‘No one has ever come back from the dead.’
Being dead is being dead. Being brought back from the dead means that you weren’t really dead at all; you were only in a dead-like state. You just can’t bring people back from the dead.
You can’t. You really can’t.
Now Jack might have taken issue with this, because as Mr Sredna squeezed him to death, Jack’s life did flash right before his eyes. Very fast, but in very great detail.
Jack saw every bit of it: himself being born, and growing up in that small industrial town. And he saw himself indentured as an apprentice into the clockwork factory there and hating every minute of it. And he saw himself meeting with Jon Kelly. And then being involved in the terrible car crash. And then his lonely wanderings and the cannibal farmer and Toy City and Eddie.
And Jack realised that Eddie really had been the bestest friend that he’d ever had. And then things became a bit metaphysical and Jack felt himself moving towards other places, places of after-existence – perhaps to the realms where young God was still putting bits of his construction kit together, creating new worlds, worlds that, Jack hoped, would be a great deal better than this one.
All these things flashed right before Jack’s eyes. In seconds.
And then Jack’s eyes couldn’t see anything any more – anything, that is, but the colour red, which, as those who know the facts well know, and the rest of us know too, is the colour of blood.
Jack was suddenly covered in blood.
Jack gasped and gagged and wiped his eyes and blurry vision returned.
And somebody stood over Jack.
And that somebody wasn’t Mr Sredna.
Out of the redness Jack returned, at a jolt, and a hurry-up too. He felt water upon his face. He opened his eyes and he stared.
‘Jill,’ said Jack. ‘Jill, it’s you.’
‘It’s me,’ said Jill. ‘And you owe me money. I told you I charge double for virgins. And there’s the other money, there’s …’
‘Eddie.’ Jack struggled back to his feet. ‘Is he?’
‘Sorry,’ said Jill.
‘No, he can’t be. If I’m not, he can’t be.’
‘Don’t think about him. I saved you, Jack. I’ve been following you since you got arrested. I want my money.’
‘You followed me for the money? You did that?’ Jack looked down at the body of Mr Sredna. Mr Sredna was well and truly dead this time. His body lacked for a head and his chest was full of holes. Jack looked at Jill.
‘Well, I had to be sure,’ said Jill. ‘You screwed it up when you did it.’
Jack shook his head. ‘And you did this all because I owe you money?’
‘Well, perhaps not entirely for the money.’ Jill turned her eyes down from Jack’s gaze. ‘There’s something about you. I don’t know what it is. But it makes you special.’
‘Thank you.’ Jack crossed the workroom, being careful as he did so not to step upon any shreddings of Eddie. Jack stooped and untied the kindly loveable white-haired old toymaker. ‘Are you all right, sir?’ Jack asked as he helped the ancient into the comfy chair.
‘Somewhat shaken,’ said the toymaker. ‘This has all been a terrible shock. I had tried my best to forget about my brother. Forget that he’d even existed. I’m a very foolish old man.’
Jack patted the toymaker on the shoulder and looked up at Jill.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t get here in time to save your little friend,’ she said. ‘When I saw what was happening, I acted as fast as I could.’
‘I know,’ said Jack.
/> ‘You know?’
‘I saw you,’ Jack said. ‘I saw you creeping in through the window, which was why I asked him whether he could be killed. I thought the information might come in handy for you. I saw you had the gun from his office.’
‘Smart boy,’ said Jill.
‘Yes,’ said Jack in a toneless tone. ‘Very smart. But too late for Eddie.’
‘You really loved that bear, didn’t you?’
Tears were once more in Jack’s eyes. And he made no attempt to hide them. ‘I’m not ashamed to say it, Jill. He really was my bestest friend.’
‘Perhaps,’ said the toymaker, ‘I could make you another bear.’
‘Thanks,’ said Jack. ‘But it wouldn’t be the same. Eddie was one of a kind.’
‘And I think I still am,’ came a tiny voice from a disembodied growler. ‘Will somebody help me, please?’
32
It was two whole days before Jack got around to releasing all the rich and famous folk from their place of incarceration. Well, he’d had other things to do, and actually, he’d quite forgotten about them.
They were very polite to Jack, though, when he opened the cell door. Very gracious. Very thankful. Very hungry.
Jack wasn’t at all hungry. He’d just dined at the very finest restaurant in the City. It wasn’t a Nadine’s Diner.
Jack was presently dining again in that self-same restaurant. He was there with Jill, to celebrate their engagement.
True, both Jack and Jill were underage, but hey, this was Toy City; let’s not let a little detail like that stand in the way of true love.
And true, Jill had said that she fancied marrying a prince. But then Jack was a prince now. An honorary prince, but a prince none the less. The toymaker had bestowed this honour upon him.
Eddie dined with Jack and Jill. And Eddie very much enjoyed the meal. He had double portions of everything. Especially those complicated things that need holding down with a fork and slicing with a knife.
And when, at great length, the meal had reached its conclusion, Eddie looked up at Jack. ‘I don’t know how to thank you enough,’ Eddie said. ‘There are no words to express my thanks for these.’
Eddie pulled back the cuffs of his brand new trenchcoat and flexed his dextrous fingers and their opposable thumbs.
‘The toymaker worked very hard putting you back together,’ said Jack. ‘And although he really didn’t approve, I eventually managed to talk him into fitting you with those. Because, after all, there were so many spare parts in the chocolate factory just going begging, and who deserved a couple of them more than you?’
‘Thanks, Jack,’ said Eddie. ‘Would you like to see me pick my nose again?’
‘Not just now,’ said Jack. ‘Although, don’t get me wrong, I certainly enjoyed it all the other times you’ve showed me.’
Eddie gazed proudly at his dextrous fingers. ‘They’re a lovely shade of cinnamon,’ he said. ‘They match my new coat.’
‘You’re an Anders Imperial now,’ said Jack. ‘Except for your head, of course. I didn’t let him touch your head. Other than for putting a proper special button for your ear. And the new matching eyes, of course. They’re working all right, I trust.’
‘Absolutely.’ Eddie blinked his bright blue glass eyes. ‘They’re as optically efficient as. I had no idea there were so many colours to see.’
‘Glad you like them,’ said Jack.
‘So what do you intend to do now?’ Eddie asked. ‘Buy yourself a nice big house on Knob Hill with your half of the reward? It was good of the toymaker to make the rich folk cough up the money they’d promised to Bill for solving the case, wasn’t it?’
‘It certainly was,’ said Jack. ‘But Jill and I are not staying in Toy City.’
‘What?’ Eddie’s eyes blinked and widened. ‘But I hoped you’d live next door to me.’
‘We’re leaving,’ said Jack. ‘I have to go out there, to the world beyond. I have the Maguffin key and the toymaker’s permission to use it. They’re in a real mess out there and I can help to put things right.’
‘That’s none of our business,’ Eddie said. ‘No, Jack, don’t go.’
‘I’ll be back,’ said Jack, ‘once I’ve made the necessary adjustments to the clockwork heads of their world leaders. And I can do that. I do know clockwork.’
‘But you promise that you will be back?’
‘Of course I promise. I wouldn’t leave my bestest friend for ever, would I?’
‘Certainly not,’ said Eddie. ‘Especially when he’s a bestest friend of high standing. I’ve decided to take the mayor’s job.’
‘Oh yes?’ Jack raised an eyebrow. ‘And who offered you this job?’
‘The toymaker, of course. I subtly broached the subject while I was removing his doorknocker and installing a new bell. It took a great deal of gentle persuasion, and Peter tried to put him off. But he came around in the end. Him being so kindly and lovable and grateful and everything.’
‘You’ll make a great mayor,’ said Jack.
‘There will be some sweeping social reforms,’ said Eddie. ‘I’m drafting out something that I like to call a constitution. It has things written into it, such as “we find it self-evident that all men and toys are created equal”. And I’m working on other things too. Things of a religious nature, based on all these parables I know.’
‘Sounds good,’ said Jack. ‘Sounds perfect.’
‘Hopefully so.’ Eddie grinned. ‘And if I haven’t thanked you enough, Jill, for saving all our lives, let me take this opportunity to thank you once again. I hope you and Jack will be very happy together. And you never know, if one day you have little Jacks and Jills of your own, and they need an old toy bear to play with, you can always bring them around to the mayoral mansion and I’ll be more than happy to oblige.’
Jill smiled upon Eddie. ‘I’m beginning to understand just what you see in this bear, Jack,’ she said. ‘There’s definitely something special about him.’
‘Oh yes,’ Jack raised his glass to the bear. ‘He’s Eddie,’ Jack said. ‘He’s as special as.’
* A cylinder with a hemisphere joined to each end of it.
* In a famous lawsuit, two rival farmers, each claiming that the original wall stood upon their property, and each receiving a hearty annual turnover from tourists who paid to view it, sued each other. Humpty Dumpty refused to substantiate either claim and the case was thrown out of court. It is interesting to note that since his death in the swimming pool, several supposed ‘Stones from the True Wall’ have been put up for auction. Although of doubtful provenance, these have commanded high prices from collectors of relics.
* A rhyme penned by the now legendary Wheatley Porterman, who, while still an impoverished rhyme writer, happened to be living in the trailer next door to Jack and Nadine.
Copyright
A Gollancz eBook
Copyright © Robert Rankin 2002
All rights reserved.
The right of Robert Rankin to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
First published in Great Britain in 2002 by
Gollancz
The Orion Publishing Group Ltd
Orion House
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An Hachette UK Company
This eBook first published in 2011 by Gollancz.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN 978 0 575 08820 7
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The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse Page 33