Because of You

by Dawn French

  Lee was at home, checking on his sister, so Hope and Minnie cooked pasta and chicken and shared a relatively peaceful contemplative evening together. The calm between two storms.

  As they sat down, Minnie put her bowl of food aside.

  ‘You OK, Min?’ enquired her mum.

  ‘Yeah, think so. Feel a bit weird.’

  ‘That’ll be the baby. They tip everything up. Nothing feels the same any more. I was quite sick with you. Well. Not you. Y’know what I mean. With the baby.’

  ‘Yeah. With Minnie. I don’t feel sick actually. I feel ate up. Not right. Crunchy. Don’t want this food suddenly, and it’s my favourite pasta. Not fair,’ Minnie said grumpily as she returned her dish to the worktop in the kitchen, and clattered it down. ‘I legit feel weird. Sort of here.’ She pointed at her general chest area.

  ‘Come and sit down. It’s probably all the stress; it’s been crazy these last couple of days. I’m sorry, Min. It’s all my fault. You’ll be fine.’

  Minnie plonked down next to Hope. ‘Thanks, Mum.’

  Hope took her in her arms, and could feel her breathing fast and shallow. ‘Calm down, Min, seriously.’

  ‘I don’t know what’s wrong,’ said Minnie breathlessly.

  ‘I think it might be a panic attack, so just breathe nice and easy, darlin’ girl. Big deep breaths. That’s it. Steady.’ Hope was starting to feel concerned. ‘This will pass.’

  ‘Will it?’ Minnie needed reassurance.

  ‘Yes. It will. No doubt. Listen, because of me and the bad-but-I-don’t-regret-it-for-one-second thing I did, your entire body is probably in trauma. No wonder you feel strange. Don’t worry, Minnie Moo, I’m here.’ Hope clasped Minnie’s head close to her and stroked it comfortingly, as she’d always done since she was a baby.

  ‘I don’t think you will always be here, Mum,’ Minnie whispered.

  The awful truth of that landed squarely on Hope. There was going to be a huge price to pay for what she’d done; she knew that.

  ‘Hush now, come on. Whatever happens, Min, we will somehow get through it together. We’re joined. Heart to heart. You know that.’

  ‘Yes. I know. I do know.’

  ‘Is it getting easier …?’ Hope noticed her breathing was gentler.

  ‘Yeah. Think so. God, that was so random.’

  ‘You’ll be fine, but just to be sure, we’ll check in with the doc tomorrow. Could be something or nothing. Blood pressure maybe? Or a little anxious thing? Or something? Let’s just look after you and Bean and be sure. I’ll call for an appointment.’

  ‘I’ll get Lee to take me.’

  ‘Oh, right, yes, of course. I have to get used to the daddy being involved!’ Hope chuckled.

  ‘And you, Mum. Course you should come with us. You’re my mum. This is your grandchild.’

  ‘That’s right, Min. And I can’t wait!’

  They sat in silence.

  ‘Fuck, Mum. What’s going to happen?’

  ‘More interviews, more police. I just have to tell the truth.’

  There was a soft knock on the door, and Hope went to answer it. She knew who it was; she’d invited them over.

  ‘Hey,’ said Hope as she answered the door to Doris and Glory. They greeted Minnie and bustled about making coffee in the kitchen.

  Doris said, ‘So what’s the big deal? What do you need to tell us?’

  Glory said, ‘Yeah, sounded so mysterious on the phone – wh’appen?’

  ‘I think you’d better forget the coffee, and come and sit down.’

  The Morning After

  Nobody slept much that night. Nanna Doris and Glory found the shocking news difficult to process and they’d had a million questions for Hope, all of which she’d tried to answer as openly and honestly as she could, however difficult or intrusive.

  The whole night was a roller coaster of bewilderment, anger, blame and resistance. There were raised voices and stomping off and tutting and crying and hugging.

  Lee arrived back at the flat around ten o’clock, and became the waiter, providing cups of tea and slices of pizza as the night wore on. He spectated the roasting of Hope. It wasn’t his place to join in. This was serious family territory.

  There was a barrage of questions:

  ‘How did you get her out of the hospital?’

  ‘How did no one see?’

  ‘How did you hide her from the police?’

  Those practical enquiries were simpler to answer. When Nanna Doris asked, ‘What happened to your Minnie?’ and Glory asked, ‘So who is Minnie to me now? Is she still my niece?’ it was devastating. Glory saw the look of anguish on Minnie’s face and adjusted her words, ‘I mean, of course she’s still my niece! We all love you, Min, exactly the way we always have. It just feels like there’s something different.’

  ‘Are you saying’ – Minnie needed to know – ‘that I’m not part of the family now? That I don’t belong any more? Oh my actual God …’

  ‘Of course you’re part of our family, that doesn’t change,’ Hope tried to reassure her.

  Minnie thought for a moment, and said, ‘Well, I’m not part of anyone else’s family, that’s for sure.’

  Nanna Doris weighed in, ‘Everyone can just shut the fuck up. Minnie isn’t PART of this family, she IS this family. She’s in it, right at the heart, and that’s the end of it. My bloody fear is that she could be removed from us, she’s still a minor.’

  ‘God, Mum, could that happen? I don’t want to go anywhere …’ Minnie panicked, and grabbed Lee’s hand.

  ‘No one has suggested anything like that. Min, the police told me to wait at home with you. We have to see what’ll happen.’ Hope was keeping it all very cool, although the thought of Minnie being ripped away was her worst nightmare.

  Nanna Doris gave everyone a reality check. ‘Let’s not forget, in the craziness of all this, we’ve lost a child. My granddaughter. Your daughter. One of us is gone. We must remember her.’

  The three generations gathered each other up in a family hug and spent the night talking and sleeping and talking and eating and talking, and Hope made sure they finally understood who Quiet Isaac really was and why he did what he did. At last.

  The next morning, Lee left to go to work as usual, but returned twenty minutes later with an armful of different newspapers.

  ‘Sorry to ruin your morning, girls, but thought you ought to see these …’ and he flumped the pile down on the counter. ‘Seems like your dad, your birth dad rather, is some famous dude,’ he said to a very sleepy Minnie.

  The front pages of pretty much all the newspapers were splattered with huge photos of Julius. It was the same image in each one: he was looking directly at the camera, with his hands clasped together, as if in prayer, in front of his chest, and there was a hint of brimming tears in his eyes. It was mawkish to say the least, but it was pure Julius. The headlines varied from ‘“The heartbreak is over,” says ex-MP Julius Lindon-Clarke’ in The Times, to ‘My baby girl is back’ in the Mail to ‘Put the monster who stole my daughter behind bars!’ in the Sun.

  Doris, Glory, Hope and Minnie were speechless with horror. They were all drowsy from the lack of sleep until they saw these. They woke up fast.

  ‘God, Mum, is this him?’ ventured Minnie.

  ‘I suppose so, yes,’ replied Hope as she hurriedly flicked quickly to the pages inside where Julius had clearly written his statement. Luckily, he hadn’t named her, but he told the story of what happened seventeen years ago, and didn’t hold back on the emotion and drama. Glory read part of it aloud, over Hope’s shoulder.

  ‘My life has never been the same since,’ said the grieving ex-MP, desperately fighting back tears. ‘The huge stress of it all has weighed heavily on me especially. My ex, Anna, has thankfully moved on with her life, but I simply couldn’t. I have been stuck in the sadness of that awful day and, truthfully, I think my heartbreak was the reason our marriage failed in the end. So very sad …’

  There was no sign of anyth
ing directly from Anna. She hadn’t spoken to the press at all.

  Just Julius. All about Julius.

  Minnie was fixated on the photo. ‘Look, he’s sort of crying. God, I think I’ve got his nose, and deffo those eyebrows! It’s so random …’ She was eating the image with her eyes, scanning every inch of it for any clue to the person in it, and thus to herself, vicariously.

  ‘Look at this,’ said Glory, as her finger followed the piece in the Daily Mail. ‘It says here, “‘I’ve lived my life ever since that day in the pursuit of safety in hospitals, so that no one else should have to suffer what I did,’ said the Great Man himself.” That’s weird because it says it was written by him, so has he called himself “the Great Man”? Do you know his face, Mum? Is he like really important or something?’

  Doris replied, ‘Never heard of him. But tell you what, he’ll hear of me if he continues to call my daughter “a monster”.’

  Minnie chimed in, ‘YES, that’s terrible. How is he allowed to do that? You’re not a monster, Mum,’ and she put her hand on Hope’s.

  Perhaps, Hope thought, she WAS a monster.

  A monster.

  Hope and Minnie to the Hospital

  Three days later, Hope and Minnie sat in the waiting room outside Dr Chandra’s office. Hope was convinced people who looked at them knew their whole story, but Minnie reminded her that there had been no pictures of them or any names used as yet in the news. Hope was naturally uncomfortable in hospitals. In fact, she hadn’t been back to one for seventeen years. She didn’t like anything about them. She still found herself scrutinizing the cleanliness; it was an old habit. Southmead Hospital in Bristol was passing the test – she was impressed. All of those thoughts were distractions, she knew that, as she found herself counting the amount of people who used the hand-sanitizer when they entered the waiting room.

  Hope smiled at Minnie, remembering with a jolt why they were here. At the local surgery, the GP had examined Minnie when she went in for her appointment, and was concerned to hear a ‘murmur’ she didn’t like. That, coupled with Minnie’s chronic tiredness, had put Minnie on to the fast track for an appointment with Dr Chandra, the most senior cardiologist in the department.

  They’d been at the hospital all morning while Minnie had an echocardiogram and an ultrasound scan, and now they were waiting anxiously for the doctor to tell them the results. Hope felt for Minnie. All this on top of the startling news she’d had to deal with in such a short space of time: no wonder her heart was under pressure. Hope considered whether she’d been an utter idiot to reveal all as she did. She could’ve kept the secret for longer and spared Minnie the hell, but sooner or later, and likely sooner, Minnie would need documents Hope couldn’t give her; and she was entitled to know her medical background now that she was pregnant, Hope knew that. Perhaps, though, she’d underestimated the seismic quake of shock that would course through Minnie, culminating in the two of them sitting here, waiting, like this.

  Hope squeezed Minnie’s hand. ‘’S OK, li’l Min. ’S gonna be OK. You are mighty, don’t forget that.’

  ‘I bloody hope so, and I hope Bean is.’

  ‘Nothing’s going to worry her. Little warrior,’ Hope said, more as a wish than a certainty.

  They were called into the doctor’s office, and they sat in two uncomfortable chairs opposite the very tall, smiley man.

  ‘Now then,’ he started. Already Minnie liked his kindliness, but she instinctively knew it was the introduction to something tricky. ‘As you can probably tell from the speed with which we’ve reacted, there is a little bit of worry around you, Ms Parker.’

  ‘Minnie, please.’

  ‘Minnie, OK,’ he continued. ‘Tell me, have you had this shortness of breath and fatigue for a long time, or just recently?’

  ‘Umm, well, I think it’s been forever really, but sort of worse recently. I mean, I didn’t do sports ’n’ stuff at school, I always had tired legs, didn’t I, Mum?’ She turned to Hope.

  ‘Yes, yes, you did.’

  The doctor continued, ‘And did you see anyone about this at the time?’

  Minnie looked at Hope, who appeared speechless. Eventually, Hope said, ‘No, doctor, and that’s my fault. I thought she was just not very sporty, she’s more of an arts kind of girl. Happier writing and drawing? So, no, she didn’t see any doctor. I’m sorry. I tended to her at home. I had my reasons …’

  ‘I’m not here to judge you, Mrs Parker,’ he said, ‘but we need to concentrate hard on your health now, Minnie, because I’m pretty sure you have something called coarctation of the aorta. It means that an important flow of the blood from your heart down to the rest of your body has become very tight, sort of pinched, restricting the blood flow.’

  ‘Right,’ said Minnie, in a very small voice indeed.

  He continued, although both women were deep in their own respective brain fugs, trying to process all this.

  ‘Your heart has been working very hard,’ he said.

  It was certainly working very hard right now, Minnie knew that, because it was pounding away like a jackhammer; it felt as though it was trying to exit her chest right then.

  ‘Poor old heart’ – he tried levity – ‘or rather poor young heart. And THAT is the reason it’s going to be all right, Minnie. You are young and strong and your heart is trying to do the best for you and now for your baby as well, so we need to give you all the support we can.’

  ‘OK, yes, please,’ Minnie replied in an even smaller, hardly-there voice.

  ‘Yes, please,’ echoed Hope, in a definitely-there big voice. A voice that she hoped would underpin all the confidence of this wonderful man who was going to save two lives if he could …

  Hope didn’t want to reveal her anxiety, so while the doctor was explaining, she kept focusing on things, real things in the room, to keep her anchored.

  His tatty briefcase on the floor by his desk

  The pile of grey cardboard bowls on the shelf

  The small yellow bin with ‘SHARPS’ emblazoned on it

  His wide gold wedding ring

  Minnie’s red trainers

  The sun hitting the pillow of the examination bed in the corner

  The pleats in the plastic curtain that goes around it

  The doctor was still talking. ‘We will monitor you very closely, so that your blood pressure is managed, and so that if there WERE to be any heart failure, we could get amongst it immediately. What we want, ideally, is the least invasive process for your baby, and of course for you. You may need serial echocardios like you’ve had today, but the team will inform you of that, OK?’

  FAILURE. Heart failure. The word clung to both Hope and Minnie like a burr to a cardigan.

  ‘Can I … go home?’ asked Minnie.

  ‘Certainly. We’d want you to rest as much as possible, and you’ll have direct access to me and all the guys here. We will get you through this, Minnie. Now we know what we’re dealing with.’

  ‘Is it going to get better, my heart?’

  It didn’t escape Hope that the question was huge, on every level. Hope stopped breathing …

  ‘Well,’ said Dr Chandra, ‘you see this eye?’ He pointed at his right eye. ‘It’s very beady and it’s watching you very closely, and I think we will get this lovely healthy baby born and then we will think about our options when we know how your heart is then.’

  He was being careful. Minnie sniffed it, and needed to know more. Now.

  ‘Sorry, doctor, but what do you mean, “options”?’

  ‘I mean that if your heart feels like it’s done its job, we can get you a new one.’

  Now Hope’s heart also stopped. She was floating in limbo. What had he just said …?

  Minnie managed to stutter, ‘A new one?’

  ‘Yes, a transplant. We can absolutely do that, but, Minnie, listen, that’s way down the track. For now, it’s working, it doesn’t know it should be easier, so it’s working hard, like it always has. No need to panic. I’m
watching, OK?’

  ‘OK. Yeah, OK,’ Minnie replied.

  Hope’s heart started again.

  And breath came out of her.

  The doctor continued, ‘I’ll send all this info in a letter. It’s hard to take it all in. Out of interest, has anyone else in the family ever had any heart disease, because this condition can often be inherited, genetic?’

  Hope and Minnie looked at each other.

  Hope jumped in: ‘Ah. You see, that’s not something we can easily answer, doctor, but I want to tell you why. Do you have five more minutes …?’

  Nesting: Hope’s Flat

  The next months were treading water for Hope and Minnie and Lee. The flat was their haven and their sanctuary to be together, to keep Minnie and Bean safe. A new term was starting and Minnie wasn’t at school to begin her final A-level year. Other than her belly growing and some slightly increasing tiredness, she actually felt quite well physically, and had asked her mum if she could at least pop in there to see her mates, but Hope put her foot down. The doc said she should rest, so she would rest. When Hope decided, frankly you didn’t argue.

  In truth, Hope was feeling increasingly afraid of the consequences of what she’d done. She was angry also. Angry that she was going to miss out on Bean.

  She wanted to be the best grammy, to know Bean better than anyone other than her parents. She wanted to have special secret codes with her that were known to just the two of them. She wanted to introduce her to Toy Story and Up and be there to comfort her when she first saw the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and the Other Mother in Coraline.