I reached the main group without meeting any patrols, and as soon as I considered it prudent I approached Lateef and gave him the mirror-daggers.
He said nothing about the other men who had been foraging, nor whether they had been successful.
He looked critically at the daggers, but was unable to conceal his grudging admiration for my initiative. He took one in his right hand, balanced it, held it up, tried holstering it in his belt. His habitual frown deepened.
I wanted to make excuses for the crudity of the weapons, explain about the shortage of materials suitable for the manufacture of armaments, but held my silence as I knew he was aware of this.
His criticism of my handiwork was political, not practical.
Later, I saw him throwing away my daggers, and I decided against mentioning the petrol-bombs.
As I passed through my adolescence I underwent, as is common to most boys, many puzzling stages of development towards full sexuality.
Near where I lived with my parents and brothers was a large area of waste ground which was cluttered with many piles of building materials, and torn into mounds of bare earth by bulldozers. I understood that at one time it had been scheduled for development, but for reasons unknown to me the scheme had been delayed. Consequently, the area provided an ideal playing-ground for myself and my friends. Though officially we were forbidden to play there, the many hundreds of hiding-places made it possible for us to evade the various forms of authority as manifested by parents, neighbours and the local police-constable.
During this period I was undergoing doubts as to whether or or not I should be indulging in such childish activities. My elder brother had obtained a place at a good university and was half-way through his first year there. My younger brother was at the same school as I, and by all accounts was more academically successful than I had been at his age. I knew that if I wished to emulate my elder brother's achievement I should apply myself more purposefully to my studies, but my mind and my body were occupied with an uncontrollable restlessness and many times I found myself on the building-site with boys not only a year or two younger than I, but who attended a different school.
It had always appeared to me that the other boys were more advanced in their thinking than I was.
It was always they who made the suggestions about what we should do, and I who followed. Any move to a new activity came from someone else, and I was often amongst the last to take it up. In this way, such pastimes that I had at that time were secondhand to me and did not provide me with any real involvement.
In a limbo between what I was doing and what I should be doing, neither was effected well.
Accordingly, when two or three local girls joined us on occasional evenings, I was slow to appreciate the subtlety of how their presence was affecting the behaviour of the others.
By chance, I knew one of these girls already. Her parents and mine were on friendly terms, and we had passed several evenings in each other's company.
My relationship with her to this point, however, had been platonic and superficial: I had not reacted to her presence in any sexual way. When she and her friends appeared for the first time on the waste ground I did not exploit this small advantage I had over the other boys. On the contrary, I became embarrassed at her presence, imagining in some obscure way that word of my activities would get back to my parents.
The first evening they were with us was awkward and unsettling. The conversation became an aimless and banal banter, with the girls feigning disinterest in us, and myself and the other boys pretending to ignore them.
This set the pattern for the next few encounters.
It happened that I went away with my parents for a short holiday, and on my return I discovered that the relationship with the girls had entered a more physical phase. Some of the boys had air-rifles, and they used these to impress the girls with their marksmanship. There was a lot of fake hostility and sometimes we would become involved in wrestling matches with them.
Even through this I failed to observe the sexual aspects of what was happening.
One evening a pack of cards was produced by one of the boys. For a while we played childish games with them, but became bored quickly. Then one of the girls said she knew a variety of the game Consequences which could be played with cards. She took the pack and dealt out cards to us all, explaining as she went. The idea was very simple: everyone was dealt cards from the top of the pack, and the first boy and the first girl to receive a card of the same value
-- say two Queens or two Sevens -- were matched up for Consequences.
I did not fully understand, but took the first card as it was given to me. It was a Three. On the first deal, no two people had similar cards, though one of the other boys also had a Three. This provoked ribald comments, which I laughed at without properly appreciating the humour. On the next deal, the girl I knew through my parents was given a Three.
A short discussion ensued, the outcome of which was that I was adjudged to be the winner as I had drawn the Three before the other boy. I was willing to let him take my turn, as I was uncertain of what was expected of me.
The girl who had started the game explained that it was usually played strictly to the rules, and that I had to take my turn. I was to go, she said, to the far side of some near-by earthworks with the other girl and that we would be allowed ten minutes.
The girl and I stood up, and amid many catcalls did as directed.
When we reached the other side of the earthworks, I felt I could not admit to her that I did not know what to do. Alone with a girl for the first time in my life I stood in miserable silence.
Then she said: "Are you going to?"
I said: "No."
She sat down on the earth and I stood before her. I kept glancing at my watch.
I asked the girl several questions. I found out how old she was, and what her middle name was. She told me the school she went to and what she was going to do when she left. In answer to my question, she told me that she had lots of boyfriends. When she asked me how many girlfriends I had I told her that there were a few.
As soon as the ten minutes were up we went back to the others.
I was handed the cards, which I shuffled and then dealt for the second round. This time there was no question as to who the winners were, as two Tens came up on the first deal. The boy and the girl left us and went to the other side of the earthworks. While we waited for them to return, several dirty jokes were told. The atmosphere amongst those of us waiting was tense and strained, and though I joined in with the others I found myself wondering what was going on behind the mound of bare earth.
At the end of the ten minutes they had not returned. The girl who had started the game was the one with the boy and we assumed she would play by the rules. One of the boys suggested that we go and get them, and this we did, running towards the earthworks shouting and whistling. Before we reached them they came out and we went back to the cards. I noticed that neither of them looked at each other, nor at any of us.
On the third deal, the girl I had been with drew a number with one of the other boys, and they went off to the mound. I found myself disturbed by this. After a moment or two I declared I was sick of the game and walked off in the direction of my house.
As soon as I was out of sight of the others, I worked round through the waste ground and approached the earthworks from the side. I was able to get close up to the couple without being observed, as a pile of unpainted window-frames was stacked near by. From this cover I watched them.
They were standing up. The girl was wearing her school blazer and dress.
The boy was standing close to her, with his back to me. They were talking quietly.
Suddenly, he threw his arms around her neck and dragged her to the floor. They wrestled together for a moment, in the way we had often done before. At first she fought back, but after a minute or so she rolled away from him and lay passively. He reached over to her and laid his hand very tentatively on her st
omach. Her head lolled away from him, facing towards my hiding-place, and I saw that her eyes were tightly closed. The boy pushed aside her blazer and I could see the gentle swell of her breasts by his hand.
Because she was lying down, they were not as protuberant as normal. The boy was staring at them rigidly, and I discovered that I was beginning to have an erection. With my hand in my trouser pocket I moved my penis so that it was less uncomfortable, and as I did so the boy's hand slid up and cupped one of her breasts. He slid the hand backwards and forwards with increasing speed. In a while, the girl cried out as if it were hurting her, and she rolled back towards him. Though she then had her back to me, I could see that she had put her hand at the top of his legs and was caressing him.
I was becoming intolerably excited by this, and though I wanted to stay where I was I felt very unsettled by what I was witnessing. I backed away and walked in the direction I had come. As I did so my hand was still in my pocket holding my penis, and in a moment I ejaculated. I mopped myself clean with a handkerchief, then went back to the others, explaining that I had returned home but that my parents were out.
A few minutes later the girl and boy came back. Like the others, they did not meet our eyes.
We were prepared for a fourth hand, but the girls said they were fed up and wanted to go home. We tried to persuade them to stay, but in a few moments they left. As they walked away we could hear them giggling. When he was sure they were gone, the boy who had just come back undid the fly of his trousers and showed us his penis. It was still erect and looked a dark red colour. He masturbated in front of us and we watched enviously.
The girls came back to the waste ground the following evening, by which time I had devised a method of ensuring I dealt myself the right cards. I rubbed the breasts of each of the three girls, and one of them allowed me to put my hand inside her dress and brassiere and feel her nipples. After this the cards were no longer used and we took it in turns. By the end of the following week I had had sexual intercourse with the girl I had known through my parents, and was proud that I was the only one of us she would do it with.
I took my examinations in the weeks following and was not successful. I was obliged to reapply myself to my work and in course of time I lost contact with the group. I entered university two years later.
If anything, the wind had increased in the time I had been on the beach, and as the waves broke on the shingle about twentyfive yards from where I stood, a fine spray was driven across our faces. I was wearing my spectacles, and within a few minutes the lenses were misted with a thin deposit of salt. I removed them and placed them inside my pocket in their case.
The sea was now very rough, white breakers flickering across its surface as far as the horizon. As yet the sun still shone, though there was a bank of dark cloud in the south-west. I stood in a large crowd of people, and we were watching the drifting ship.
The transistor radio carried by someone near by announced the news that the ship was not to be assisted by rescue craft, and that the lifeboats were being ordered to return to their stations. Not a mile away from us we could see the very boats circling, obviously undecided whether to obey the orders from the shore or their own consciences. Some distance behind the drifting ship we could see the Royal Navy frigate which had been detailed to follow. So far, it had not interfered.
At one point I turned round to make an estimate of the number of people watching from the shore and saw that every available access point was crowded along the side of the King's Road that overlooked the beach, in addition to the hundreds of people that stood on the Central Pier.
At just after four minutes past two o'clock the lifeboats turned away from the ship and headed back to their respective stations. I estimated that in less than a quarter of an hour the ship would have drifted past the end of the pier and be invisible from where I was standing. I debated whether or not to move, but decided to stay.
The ship sank at just before ten past. Its angle of list had increased markedly in the last few minutes, and many of the people on board could be seen jumping over the side. The ship sank quickly and unspectacularly.
Within fifteen minutes of it sinking the majority of the crowd had dispersed. I stayed on, enthralled in some primeval way by the feel of the wind, the sound and the sight of the great surf and by what I had just witnessed. I left the shore an hour or so later, distressed by the appearance of the few Africans who managed to swim to the shore. Less than fifty of them made it to the beach alive, though I understand from my acquaintances in Brighton that in the next few days the sea threw up hundreds of dead with every tide. Human flotsam, made buoyant by its distended, gas-filled belly.
As night fell I pulled the car into the side of the road and stopped. It was too cold to continue driving with the glass of the windscreen knocked away, and in any case I was reaching the end of our supply of petrol and did not wish to discuss this with Isobel in front of Sally.
For security we had driven north from London and were in the countryside around Cuffley. I had debated mentally whether to try to reach the U.N. camp again, but after two long and extremely tiring journeys to and from there in the last twentyfour hours, neither I nor the others were anxious to repeat it if an alternative could be found. In addition, the twin factors of a dwindling supply of petrol and the discouragement of the official that morning combined to indicate that we should at least find an alternative.
We took our warmest clothing from the suitcases and put it on. Sally lay down on the back seat of the car and we covered her with as much warm material as we could find. Isobel and I waited in silence, smoking the last of our cigarettes, until we felt reasonably sure she had drifted off into sleep. None of us had eaten a proper meal during the day, the only food we had consumed being some chocolate we found in an automatic machine outside a row of closed shops. While we sat there it began to rain, and in a few minutes a trickle of water came in through the empty rubber frame, and ran over the dashboard on to the floor.
"We'd better make for Bristol," I said.
"What about the house?"
I shook my head. "We've no hope of going back."
"I don't think we should go to Bristol."
"Where else can we go?"
"Back to the U.N. camp. At least, for the next few days."
"And after that?"
"I don't know. Things must get better. We can't be kicked out of our house just like that. There must be a law . . ."
I said: "That won't be the answer. Things have gone too far now. The Afrim situation has grown out of the housing shortage. I can't see them agreeing to a compromise where they will have to give up the houses they've already taken over."
Isobel said: "Why not?"
I didn't answer. In the few weeks preceding the recent events Isobel had shown an increasing disinterest in the progress of the Afrim situation, and this had only widened the distance between us. Whereas I had been continually faced with the breakdown of the society that we knew, Isobel appeared to withdraw from the reality as if she could survive by ignoring events. Even now, with our home inaccessible to us, she was content to allow me to take the decisions.
Before we settled for the night, I walked from the car in the direction of a near-by house, from whose windows showed warm amber light. Less than a hundred yards away, an unaccountable fear came into my mind, and I turned away. The house was of the upper middle-class variety, and there were two expensive cars and a trailer in the drive.
I considered my own appearance: unshaven and in need of a change of clothing. It was difficult to say what would have been the reaction of the occupiers of the house had I knocked at the door. The anarchy of the situation in London bore no relation to this area, which had as yet had no contact with the homeless and militant African people.
I returned to the car.
"We're going to an hotel for the night," I said.
Isobel made no answer, but stared out of her side-window into the dark.
"Well, don't you c
are?"
"No."
"What do you want to do?"
"We'll be all right here."
The rain still dribbled into the car through the gaping hole that had been our windscreen. In the few minutes I had been outside, the drizzle had soaked my outer clothes. I wanted Isobel to touch me, share to some measure the experience of my walk. . . yet I shrank mentally from the thought of her hand on my arm.
"What about Sally?" I said.
"She's asleep. If you want to find an hotel, I won't object. Can we afford it?"
"Yes."
1 thought about it for a bit longer. We could stay here, or we could drive on. I glanced at my watch. It was just after eight o'clock. If we slept in the car, in what kind of condition would we be by morning?
I started the engine and drove slowly back to the centre of Cuffley. I knew of no hotels in the neighbourhood, but was confident of finding somewhere. The first place we found was full, and so was the second. We were following directions to a third when the petrol-tank finally ran dry. I coasted the car into the side and stopped.
I was relieved in a way that the decision had been made for us; I'd held out no real hopes of finding accommodation in an hotel. Isobel said nothing, but sat with her eyes closed. Her face and clothes were damp from the rain which had blown in through the screen.
I ran the heater until the water inside the mechanism had cooled to a point where there was no more benefit to be had. Isobel said she was tired.
We agreed to take it in turns to lie across one another; I said she could have the first period. She tucked her knees up and lay across from her seat with her head in my lap. I put my arms around her to keep her warm, then tried to find a comfortable position myself.
Within a few minutes Isobel had passed into a semblance of sleep. I spent the night uneasily, unable to pass into complete sleep because of my uncomfortable position.
Behind us Sally stirred from time to time; of the three of us she was probably the only one who rested fully in the night.
Fugue for a Darkening Island Page 4