"What was difficult?" Dio's eyes narrowed. "It's not like I can't guess, but don't make me guess. I guess weird shit sometimes."
"All those… hands… on you. All those people wanting… to touch you. They… If there hadn't been a need to break away, if things had gone differently, would you have had… relations with all those people?"
Dio closed his eyes on a long sigh. "We talked about this. God of orgies, remember? Leander, this is who I am. What I do. Not all the time, sure, but if the ecstasy takes over, it takes over everyone within reach. Yeah, I would've had relations, some kind of sexual contact, with anyone who could get their hands on me."
"Does it need to be that way?" Leander asked softly. "I couldn't watch. Couldn't bear it, to see you with others. My stomach felt as if someone were stirring molten iron in there."
"Look, I get that you don't want to participate." Dio rubbed at his temples with both hands, his voice shorter and sharper than Leander had ever heard it. "No one would ever ask you to. Not your thing, and no one's saying you have to stay and watch if it makes you unhappy. But this is what I do."
"Dio." Leander lifted a hand to reach for him, caught sight of the dark fire in his lover's eyes, and let his hand drop. "Is it possible that you don't need to be this way? That it's not necessary? Could you, perhaps, try not to be?"
Pacing now, jaw clenched, Dio waved his hands with every sentence. "Could you not be a librarian? Could you maybe think about not being a minotaur? Could you, perhaps, not be so shy? So genteel? What should I ask you to change?"
"I don't… That's not the same at all."
"Why? Because I'm just a crazed half-wit, and you're intelligent and reasonable? Is that it?"
"No, Dio, I didn't say that. I just thought, perhaps, for me…"
Dio stabbed a finger at him, his words strangled and hissing. "I would never ask you to change for me. Ever. I'm sorry you got all jealous and shit. I'm sorry this doesn't work for you. That I'm not good enough the way I am. That I'm not fucking Mr. Darcy or whatever."
"I never said that."
"You didn't have to! You want me to change what's at the center of me, the part of me that's me, when you won't even let me into your fucking bedroom. Well. Fuck. I can't. You'd be asking me to do a Dio-ectomy. I can't do this. Sorry." Dio stalked to the door. "I'm out. Take care of Jane. I'll… see you."
The door slammed behind him, and Leander was left gaping in the wake of Dio's tempest. He was right, wasn't he? People changed for the ones they loved. They compromised and tried to make each other happy. Didn't they?
"Jane, don't you think it was a reasonable request?"
She stared at him a moment before she let out a soft chuff and curled up with her tail over her nose, her disapproval quite clear.
What have I done? Oh, sweet mother of us all, what have I done?
Leander's heart suddenly weighed more than his chest could support, more than the library could support. He would be dragged down into some netherworld any moment under its weight. Unable to move from the sofa, he stared at the closed door, hoping for that erratic knock that would signal Dio had changed his mind and returned. The door stared back in accusatory silence as the tears trailed down Leander's face.
"Boss? You in there?" George's knock on the bedroom door sent needles through Dio's brain.
"No."
"C'mon, you can't do this. What the hell's wrong?"
Dio pulled the pillows into his blanket cave and stuffed his head under them. "Go 'way."
Even from under all the insulation, George's grumbling and cussing still penetrated, followed by his hooves clopping away down the hall. Good. Let me die here in peace.
Of all the people Dio had loved over the centuries, he really had believed Leander would be the least judgmental. Fine. Not about him being messy or being rude, but about who he was. Leander understood being different. He understood that sometimes a person needed weird things to thrive. But no. Leander's refusal to accept him broke his heart, though he shouldn't have been shocked. Acceptance was for other people. Fuck them. All of them.
But I want my librarian, damn it.
Half an hour or maybe half a lifetime later, the bedroom door clicked open, and Dio balled his fists in the pillows, about to bellow at George to leave him the freaking fuck alone, when a soft voice made the words catch in his throat.
"I see. Thank you for calling us, George," Auntie Hestia said.
Aw, man.
The mattress depressed on one side of the bed, then on the other.
"Dionysus, come out of there, please. You're not five years old any longer," Auntie Hestia spoke more firmly though her hand stroked his shoulder.
"No."
"Hey, I didn't come all the way from Olympus to talk to a pile of bedding," a lovely alto voice said from his other side.
Dio made a little peephole in his nest to confirm what he already knew. "Dite?"
"Got it in one." Aphrodite smiled and tugged the blankets off his head. "George was worried, and he made some guesses about what kind of help you might need. Sort of a mini-intervention before things got too bad."
"Well, consider me intervened." Dio dived back under the pillows. "Now please let me sleep."
"You're not sleeping, dear. You're sulking." Auntie Hestia wrested one pillow away while Aphrodite snatched the other. "Did something happen with Leander?"
With a sharp laugh that was half sob, Dio sat up against the headboard, running both hands back through his snarled hair. "Happen? No, not really. He just kinda let me know how he really feels."
"Oh, no, baby brother, you don't get away with that." Aphrodite smoothed the rat's nest out of his eyes. "You were fine when you left Uncle Hades's place, the two of you. At least he thought so. Word for word, what did you two say to each other?"
Reluctantly, sullenly, Dio let them pull the story from him, since he knew he wasn't getting any peace until he did. Except to ask clarifying questions, they let him ramble on, Dite holding his hand and Auntie Hestia stroking his foot from time to time.
"Can I ask you something, Dio?" Dite said when he finally wound down, more depressed than when he'd started.
"Yeah. I guess."
"Do you love him?"
Dio shrugged. "Of course I love him. Why would I be upset if I didn't love him? Isn't enough sometimes, is it?"
"Okay. That's a good start. You and I, we're deities of erotic love. That can be hard for our partners to accept, and really hard if that person is The One. You know how it was with me and Heph all those years. All the jealousy. All the terrible fights."
"But you'd started sleeping with Ares. I mean, c'mon, Dite. Even I might've gotten pissed about that."
"True. It was worse for Heph then. And that was a stupid thing to do. I know that. But Heph's had to accept that there are going to be others. I won't ever love them like I do him, and at the end of the day, I'm always coming home to him. But love is my temple, just like the orgy is yours. We draw life from being adored sexually—energy, sustenance, whatever you want to call it. It's the core of what we are."
"Okay. So far, not saying anything I don't know, and it's so not helping."
"Don't be so snippy," Auntie Hestia scolded. "You understand all this, but I very much doubt Leander does. And think a moment, dear. Leander has never had a relationship of any sort. His childhood was interrupted by horror, a childhood he can never recover, so he wasn't able to grow up normally and experiment with courting as other young people do. His very first affair of the heart, and it's with a god who requires the attention of others to be whole. This isn't an easy thing to accept, even for the sexually experienced."
"So you're saying I should've been more mature and ignored the fact that he hurt me?" He glanced from one face to the other, Auntie Hestia's managing stern and sympathetic at once, and Dite's simply amused.
"Yes," they answered in unison.
"You've got just a smidge more experience, right?" Dite squeezed his hand. "Poor Leander's just trying to mu
ddle through here. If he loves you, he'll find a way to accept all you are, even the parts that upset him right now."
"If he loves me. That's just it, isn't it? Does he? Or is it just a first-crush thing with lust on the side? How the hell do I know?"
"Have you told him you love him?" Dite's soft smile held enough love to satisfy twenty men.
"Of course, I—" Dio broke off on a horrible realization. "Oh, holy panda shit."
"Language, dear," Auntie Hestia scolded. "I think you may have approached things with Leander a bit backward. He's very old-fashioned in many ways and very reticent. In order to feel comfortable, I believe he needs to trust that the relationship is real. That you're invested in it. That he's worth the effort."
"I'm not following. Or if I am, I'm following a car with an oil leak, and I can't see through the exhaust smoke. What am I supposed to do here?"
"We brought reinforcements." Dite laughed at his growl. "Your Maenads and fauns are in the other room to help you get ready. Because you're going to have to start from the beginning and go courting."
"Really?" Dio wriggled out from between them, not at all embarrassed about being in his underwear. At least it was clean underwear. "Courting. Huh. Maybe I can be his Darcy, after all."
Leander forced himself to move, puttering about that afternoon in an attempt to distract himself. He organized his cardigans, fixed the sofa leg, straightened pillows, cleaned his spotless kitchen, and rearranged his spice cabinet. He thought perhaps that he would return to building his Taj. But when he went into his workroom, all he could see was the image of Dio standing beside the model, eyes huge in wonder. With a sigh, he turned and went back to the front room.
It was really for the best. He couldn't live in Dio's world. A concert-going crowd might assume he wore an elaborate costume. Most of humanity would not, and the constant barrage of humanity out there would most likely drive him into twitching fits. He simply, physically couldn't, and he couldn't expect Dio to live in his world of quiet contemplation. He had to be out and doing in the midst of things.
The front parlor, where they had slept together, where he had read to Dio. They never would have the chance to finish A Tale of Two Cities now. For some reason, this brought the return of tears, despite all his hard work to keep them in check. But that memory had wrapped his heart in warm cashmere blankets, and now they had been ripped away.
Unable to help himself, he sank down on his sofa and let the tears turn into sobs. It would have been better to have stayed lonely and alone. He never would have known… and this pain was too much to bear. There wouldn't even be occasional glimpses of Dio. He had learned to control his rages on his own and would have no need to return to the library.
The knock on the door jarred him into choking off mid-sob. He didn't want to answer it, didn't want to speak to anyone. Though perhaps it was one of Athena's people bringing supplies off schedule. Rude to ignore them. With a shaky sigh, he wiped his eyes on his sleeve, went to the door, and opened it on a strange wave of déjà vu.
Dio stood in front of his door, impeccably dressed, arms full of packages. This time he wore a suit rather than a uniform, an expensive three-piece, black with a silver, floral embroidered vest and a silver cat-print ascot. His hair had been neatly tamed and braided back, his gleaming smile both hesitant and hopeful.
"Hi!" the dapper vision in Leander's doorway said. "Are you busy? Can I come in?"
"I… Dio, this is terribly confusing."
"Is it?"
"It… Yes. A few hours ago, you were so angry. You—"
"Stomped out like a kid who lost at Hungry Hungry Hippos. Yeah, I know. You were angry too. Quiet, polite angry is still angry. Anyway, I'm sorry. About lots of things. I've been screwing up way too much with you. Can I come in?"
Speechless, Leander stood aside and allowed the beautiful vision to sweep past him and set two exuberantly wrapped packages and a pot of basil on the coffee table. Dio cocked his head with a frown, rearranged the items in a triangle, and placed a coaster under the clay pot.
"There. Hi. Um. It's nice to see you? Lovely day? You're looking well and all that?"
Leander closed the door slowly, though he stayed where he was. "I hesitate to ask, but what are you doing?"
"Courting. This is me courting. I'm not very good at it. Sorry. Look, I'm sorry I got all bent. I'm sorry I said what I said. Parts of it, anyway. So, presents. Which are kind of apology and kind of bribe, and because I realized that I did everything bass-ackwards with you, the sex before dating and before the I-love-you part. 'Cause I do."
"What do you do?" Leander's headache was returning with a vengeance. "I'm afraid I'm lost."
"I love you." Dio bounced on the balls of his feet, nervous energy obviously getting the better of him. "Please sit down with me. So I know you're not tossing me right out."
He loves me? Does he? But it doesn't really make a difference. It can't. Leander crossed the room and sat gingerly on the edge of the newly repaired sofa. "I… Dio… But this… this can't be. Between us. I think we established that."
"Only if you don't want it to. And if you really don't, I'll walk out this time without slamming the door. Politely and not bothering you anymore. Last thing you need is a creepy stalker, right? But you have to convince me why you don't want to try."
Leander buried his face in his hands and heaved a slow breath. "I can't live in your world. In the world you need. And I can't expect you to live in mine. I might become an occasional something, one of your many lovers you visit when it pleases you, but I can't… I can't… live out there. Nor can I be an occasional something in here."
Eyes wide in distress, Dio walked on his knees to the sofa and put a tentative hand on Leander's ankle. "That's what you thought? That you were some kind of convenient hookup or something?"
"I'm the librarian. I live in the library and don't go out into the world where you live. It's a quiet life, but most would find it a terribly dull life. Especially someone so full of life and energy. You… you have to have other lovers. As you said, it's who you are. You've found a way to control your rages. That's why you came to the library. It would be selfish of me to expect you to stay."
Dio's laugh sliced into Leander's heart. He'd never heard such a bitter laugh from his beautiful little god. "You're the only reason I can control my rages. Even I figured that out. We fit so fucking well together that you just have to touch me, and I calm the freak down. The other lovers thing? That's what I need to talk to you about most. Can you do that for me? Really listen?"
Leander nodded, misery and hope warring in his chest. "I'll do my best."
"Okay. Good." Dio took his hand gently, stroking the knuckles with his thumb. "I'm a god. Yeah, yeah, you know that. But gods need the human world. Human energy. Or we fade. We kinda gather that energy in different ways. Set gets off on chaos. My brother Hermes taps into the whole human communications thing. Athena's tuned into learning and stuff. And me? I have the wine, the music, and erotic ecstasy. Out on the dance floor, those aren't lovers. They're worshippers. The dance is a temple for me. They need it. I need it. Not all the time, but I do need it. It's not something I can change."
"Oh, I… I suppose I hadn't…" Leander struggled with the words, things he knew were true but he still fought to accept. "But I still can't watch. I simply can't. And I still can't be part of your normal life."
"I thought a lot about the whole your-world-my-world thing. I did. And I got advice and did some stuff. The family helped me build my own library door. It's in my spare bedroom in my condo in New York. I can never build a stable door. That's why they had to help. It comes out on this floor by the phoenix stairs, so it's close to your place, but not, you know, too close. I know you can't get on a plane with me and come to my vineyards in Tuscany. I know that I can't spend all my time in here with you. But I figure it's like having day jobs."
"I don't… understand."
"You know, like you have coffee and croissants in the morning and kiss yo
ur spouse on the cheek and say, 'Have a good day, dear!' And then you're both off to do your own thing, but you come back after work and stuff, right? And have weekends and vacations together and spend the evenings cuddling and, I dunno, playing strip poker or something, right?"
"You're saying we should marry?" Leander blurted it out, his face heating when he did. Of course that wasn't what Dio meant.
"Well, that might be jumping the gun a little. Maybe. I thought we'd start with sharing space. Going on picnic dates. Spending all the evenings and weekends we can together. Like a real couple. Communicating, right? And if you never want to come to another concert, I'll never ask you. I'll just make sure I come back to you."
Leander sat frozen, completely still except for his twitching ears. Could he have misunderstood everything? Though it would hardly be the first time.
"I want to try to make this work. Yes, there are gonna be times when I'm out late at night. There are gonna be times when other people touch me. I can't change the basic stuff that's me. But that's all physical stuff, and it's not the same as making love to you. The point is, and I'm making it so badly I can't believe you haven't kicked me out, that I want a chance to come home to you."
"Home?"
"Yeah. Wherever you are. Whether it's here, or whether we decide to spend some time at my place. Home. You would be home base."
"But… why? Why would you limit yourself to… to a socially crippled monster?"
"You know, it kinda ticks me off when you say that. Knock it off. You're not a monster. You're the gorgeous minotaur librarian that I love."
"Oh." The whispered syllable came out cracked and broken, Leander's vision shattering in a diamond prism of tears.
"Damn. No, no, no. I didn't want to get you all upset." Dio's warmth thumped against him, his arms around Leander's neck. "Please don't be upset. I'll go if you can't stand the thought of being with someone like me. If you can't love me. I will. But don't cry. Please don't cry."
Leander wrapped his arms around Dio and dragged him closer, holding tight and rocking him as all the ragged, jagged spaces in his heart filled with heated light. Light glue to hold it together a while longer. "But I do love you. I don't… don't know how to do this. But I do."
Brandywine Investigations Page 19