Counting Backwards

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Counting Backwards Page 28

by Helen Dunmore


  white

  flesh in a mound and kept from sight,

  but he doesn’t tell us

  whether these boys’ hair always smelled of cinnamon

  or if their nights cost more than spices.

  A woman goes into the night café,

  chooses a clean

  knife and a spoon

  and takes up her tray.

  Quickly the manageress leans from the counter.

  (As when a policeman arrests a friend

  her eyes plunge and her voice roughens.)

  She points to a notice with her red nail:

  ‘After 11 we serve only accompanied females.’

  The woman fumbles her grip

  on her bag, and it slips.

  Her forces tumble.

  People look on as she scrabbles

  for money and tampax.

  A thousand shadows accompany her

  down the stiff lino, through the street lighting.

  The poet sits in a harbour bar

  where the tables are smooth and solid to lean on.

  It’s peaceful. Men gaze

  for hours at beer and brass glistening.

  The sea laps. The door swings.

  The poet feels poems

  invade him. All day he has been stone-breaking

  he says. He would be happier in cafés

  in other countries, drinking, watching;

  he feels he’s a familiar sort of poet

  but he’s at ease with it.

  Besides, he’s not actually writing a poem:

  there’s plenty, he’s sure,

  in drink and hearing the sea move.

  For what is Emily Dickinson doing

  back at the house – the home?

  A doctor emerges, wiping his face,

  and pins a notice on the porch.

  After a while you don’t even ask.

  No history

  gets at this picture:

  a woman named Sappho

  sat in bars by purple water

  with her feet crossed at the ankles

  and her hair flaming with violets

  never smiling when she didn’t feel like it.

  ‘End here, it’s hopeful,’

  says the poet, getting up from the table.

  If no revolution come

  If no revolution come

  star clusters

  will brush heavy on the sky

  and grapes burst

  into the mouths of fifteen

  well-fed men,

  these honest men

  will build them houses like pork palaces

  if no revolution come,

  short-life dust children

  will be crumbling in the sun –

  they have to score like this

  if no revolution come.

  The sadness of people

  don’t look at it too long:

  you’re studying for madness

  if no revolution come.

  If no revolution come

  it will be born sleeping,

  it will be heavy as baby

  playing on mama’s bones,

  it will be gun-thumping on Sunday

  and easy good time

  for men who make money,

  for men who make money

  grow like a roof

  so the rubbish of people

  can’t live underneath.

  If no revolution come

  star clusters

  will drop heavy from the sky

  and blood burst

  out of the mouths of fifteen

  washing women,

  and the land-owners will drink us

  one body by one:

  they have to score like this

  if no revolution come.

  A safe light

  I hung up the sheets in moonlight,

  surprised that it really was so

  steady, a quickly moving pencil

  flowing onto the stained cotton.

  How the valves

  in that map

  of taut fabric

  blew in and blew out

  then spread flat

  over the tiles

  while the moon filled them with light.

  A hundred feet above the town

  for once the moonscape showed nothing extraordinary

  only the clicking pegs

  and radio news from our kitchen.

  One moth hesitated

  tapping at our lighted window

  and in the same way the moonlight

  covered the streets, all night.

  Near Dawlish

  Her fast asleep face turns from me,

  the oil on her eyelids gleams

  and the shadow of a removed moustache

  darkens the curve of her mouth,

  her lips are still flattened together

  and years occupy her face,

  her holiday embroidery glistens,

  her fingers quiver then rest.

  I perch in my pink dress

  sleepiness fanning my cheeks,

  not lurching, not touching

  as the train leaps.

  Mother you should not be sleeping.

  Look how dirty my face is, and lick

  the smuts off me with your salt spit.

  Golden corn rocks to the window

  as the train jerks. Your narrowing body leaves me

  frightened, too frightened to cry for you.

  The last day of the exhausted month

  The last day of the exhausted month

  of August. Hydrangeas

  purple and white like flesh immersed in water

  with no shine

  to keep the air off them

  open their tepid petals more and more widely.

  The newly-poured tar smells antiseptic

  like sheets moulding on feverish skin:

  surfaces of bedrock, glasslike passivity.

  The last day of the exhausted month

  goes quickly. A brown parcel

  arrives with clothes left at the summer lodgings,

  split and too small.

  A dog noses

  better not look at it too closely

  God knows why they bothered to send them at all.

  A smell of cat

  joins us just before eating.

  The cat is dead but its brown

  smell still seeps from my tub of roses.

  Second marriages

  These second marriages arching within

  smiles of their former friends:

  his former wife and her child-swapping

  remnants of weekday companionship,

  her former husband, his regular

  friends who encircled her

  those wet Saturdays after the baby was born.

  The children’s early birthdays, the tea

  and talk about socialisation;

  the shared potties.

  Frozen in these is the father’s

  morning exit from the maternity hospital.

  Sliced from the album those gowns

  that blood; the shawl in a heap,

  those marital triumphant

  glances at night when they got him to sleep.

  Second marriages endure without these

  public and early successes,

  no longer tempting others or fate

  by their caresses.

  The deserted table

  Coiled peel goes soft on the deserted table

  where faïence, bubble glasses, and the rest

  of riches thicken.

  People have left their bread and potatoes.

  Each evening baskets

  of broken dinner hit the disposal unit.

  Four children, product of two marriages,

  two wives, countless slighter relations

  and friends all come to the table

  bringing new wines discovered on holiday,

  fresh thirtyish faces, the chopped

  Japanese dip of perfectly nouris
hed hairstyles,

  more children, more confident voices,

  wave after wave consuming the table.

  The writer’s son

  The father is a writer; the son

  (almost incapable of speech)

  explores him.

  ‘Why did you take my language

  my childhood

  my body all sand?

  why did you gather my movements

  waves pouncing

  eyes steering me till I crumbled?

  We’re riveted. I’m in the house

  hung up with verbiage like nets.

  A patchwork monster at the desk

  bending the keys of your electric typewriter.

  You’re best at talking. I know

  your hesitant, plain vowels.

  Your boy’s voice, blurred,

  passed through my cot bars, stealing my baby magic.

  You were the one they smiled at.’

  Ollie and Charles at St Andrew’s Park

  Up at the park once more

  the afternoon ends.

  My sister and I huddle in quilted jackets.

  A cigarette burn

  crinkles the pushchair waterproofs,

  the baby relaxes

  sucking his hood’s curled edges.

  Still out of breath

  from shoving and easing the wheels

  on broken pavement we stay here.

  Daffodils break in the wintry bushes

  and Ollie and Charles in drab parkas

  run, letting us wait by the swings.

  Under eskimo hoods their hair springs

  dun coloured, child-smelling.

  They squat, and we speak quietly,

  occasionally scanning the indigo patched

  shadows with children melted against them.

  Winter fairs

  The winter fairs are all over.

  The smells of coffee and naphtha

  thin and are quite gone.

  An orange tossed in the air

  hung like a wonder

  everyone would catch once,

  the children’s excitable cheeks

  and woollen caps that they wore

  tight, up to the ears,

  are all quietened, disbudded;

  now am I walking the streets

  noting a bit of gold paper? –

  a curl of peeI suggesting the whole

  aromatic globe in the air.

  In a wood near Turku

  The summer cabins are padlocked.

  Their smell of sandshoes

  evaporates over the lake water

  leaving pine walls to shoulder the ice.

  Resin seals them in hard splashes.

  The woodman

  knocks at their sapless branches.

  He gets sweet puffballs

  and chanterelles in his jacket,

  strips off fungus like yellow leather,

  thumbs it, then hacks the tree trunk.

  Hazy and cold as summer dawn

  the day goes on,

  wood rustles on wood,

  close, as the mist thins

  like smoke around the top of the pine trees

  and once more the saw whines.

  Landscape from the Monet Exhibition at Cardiff

  My train halts in the snowfilled station.

  Gauges tick and then cease

  on ice as the track settles

  and iron-bound rolling stock creaks.

  Two work-people

  walk up alongside us,

  wool-wadded, shifting their picks,

  the sun, small as a rose,

  buds there in the distance.

  The gangs throw handfuls of salt like sowers

  and light fires to keep the points moving.

  Here are trees, made with two strokes.

  A lady with a tray of white teacups

  walks lifting steam from window to window.

  I’d like to pull down the sash and stay

  here in the blue where it’s still work time.

  The hills smell cold and are far away

  at standstill, where lamps bloom.

  Breakfast

  Often when the bread tin is empty

  and there’s no more money for the fire

  I think of you, and the breakfast you laid for me

  – black bread and honey and beer.

  I threw out a panful of wine yesterday –

  the aluminium had turned sour –

  I have two colours of bread to choose from,

  I’d take the white if I were poor,

  so indigence is distant as my hands

  stiff in unheated washing water,

  but you, with your generous gift of butter

  and cheese with poppy seeds, all in one morning meal

  have drawn the blinds up at the bedside window

  and I can watch the ships’ tall masts appear.

  Index

  (Titles and subtitles are in italics,

  first lines in roman type.)

  A barefoot girl hugs the wall 21

  A Bit of Love 43

  A candle for the ship’s breakfast 203

  A cow here in the June meadow 390

  A draught like a bony finger 274

  A dream of wool 333

  A fat young man in BERBER’S ICE CREAM PARLOUR 314

  A heap of cloud 99

  A Loose Curl 40

  A lorry-load of stuff 170

  A May evening and a bright moon 162

  A meditation of the glasshouses 338

  A mortgage on a pear tree 326

  A pæony truss on Sussex place 337

  A pear tree stands in its own maze 326

  A pretty shape 217

  A safe light 414

  A skater comes to this blue pond 382

  A wash of stars covers the sky 161

  A winter imagination 148

  Adders 248

  After a night jagged by guard-dogs and nightingales 297

  After all they didn’t taste of salt 159

  After midday the great lazy 363

  Afterword 269

  Agapanthus above Porthmeor 93

  Ahead of us, moving through time 381

  Ahvenanmaa 240

  Air layering 336

  All the breaths of your life 55

  All the squares of trampoline are taken 227

  All the things you are not yet 214

  All through sour soil the gorse thrusts 151

  All you who are awake in the dark of the night 92

  Almost island and jewel of all islands 59

  Always rain, September rain 68

  An Irish miner in Staffordshire 350

  And besides, we might play cards 20

  And now we come to the unknown land 50

  And this is where they met in secret 55

  And what a load of leaf 149

  And when at last the voyage was over 24

  Annunciation off East Street 392

  Approaches to winter 404

  Are they blue or not blue? 39

  As good as it gets 191

  At Cabourg 329

  At Cabourg II 295

  At Ease 90

  At Great Neck one Easter 391

  At the Emporium 204

  At the Spit 49

  At three in the morning 353

  Athletes 149

  Babes in the Wood 261

  Baby sleep 219

  Barclays Bank, St Ives 100

  Barnoon 136

  Baron Hardup 296

  Basement at Eighteen Folgate Street 99

  Basketball player on Pentecost Monday 221

  Bathing at Balnacarry 258

  Beautiful John Donne 103

  Beautiful today the 142

  Because she told a lie, he says 189

  Beetroot Soup 255

  Below Hungerford Bridge 156

  Beneath the bulk of the block the bins 89

  Bewick’s swans 381

  Big barbershop man
304

  Bildad 96

  Blackberries after Michaelmas 152

  Blue against blue; blue into deeper blue 93

  Bluebell Hollows 39

  Boatman 79

  Borrowed light 147

  Bouncing boy 227

  Boys on the Top Board 259

  Breakfast 422

  Breast to breast against the azaleas 240

  Breeze of ghosts 284

  Bridal 154

  Bride in the mud of the yard 154

  Bristol Docks 186

  Brown coal 301

  But tell me, Elpenor 26

  By chance I was alone in my bed the morning 234

  Cajun 262

  Candle poem 203

  Candlemas 349

  Christmas caves 274

  Christmas roses 355

  City lilacs 125

  Clearing the mirror to see your face 195

  Cliffs of Fall 58

  Clinic day 403

  Close to the earth, creeping, lowly 44

  Cloud 115

  Code-breaking in the Garden of Eden 321

  Coiled peel goes soft on the deserted table 417

  Cold pinches the hills around Florence 384

  Come Out Now 76

  Convolvulus 129

  Cool as sleep, the crates ring 403

  Counting Backwards 19

  Cowboys 156

  Crossing the field 126

  Cursing softly and letting the matches drop 374

  Cutting open the lemons 159

 

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