by R. J. Blain
“You ran across the entire United States because you weren’t getting enough sleep, my beautiful. This would not help with that problem.”
“I do not need nor want help with that problem today or for the next few days. Babysitters, Sam. We have babysitters. Babysitters.”
My husband laughed. “If you’re really sure. You’re biting off more than you can chew, but I’m not going to stop you if you really want to participate in this insanity,” he warned.
“We can open presents while you’re catching your breath,” I taunted, well aware he’d view my words as a challenge and do his best to make sure he won.
When he won, I won, and once we returned to work, we would have limited time where it was just us, and I intended to enjoy every minute of it. Of course, I expected he’d make me pay for mouthing off.
What a way to go.
“You’re playing with fire,” Quinn warned with his sexiest smirk.
Evil man. “I can play with the cranky gorgons if I want to, and you can’t stop me.”
Archambault rolled his eyes, and his coral snakes jockeyed for position to win the rights to get in petting and cuddling time with me. To make the serpents happy, I took my time greeting them all, giving them kisses on their little noses.
“She’s going to teach everyone it’s a good idea to kiss gorgons if she keeps that up,” my husband complained.
“They will be educated on why this isn’t a good idea, do not worry. It will involve some young human lady wishing to have a good evening with her gentleman getting a nip on the nose for her troubles. Then I will teach them only members of a gorgon’s family may be so familiar with us.”
“Bailey would be pulling that crap even if you weren’t my grandfather,” my husband replied.
While he was right, I sighed over his insistence on spilling my dark, dirty secrets.
Somehow, probably from overexposure to my husband, I’d developed a keen enjoyment of cuddling up to gorgons and their snakes. “Just no bile I have to clean up, please.”
“Bile is definitely unpleasant, and I’ll just stay back here, if you please,” my husband said, taking enough steps back his grandfather couldn’t spit on him even if he tried.
“It’s not like your dirty secret isn’t already out, you know. Janet saw you.”
“I really did,” the cop in question said, and she wormed through the crowd and waved at me, dragging Amanda, my self-defense instructor and another cop, along with her. “I have brought a sacrifice.”
“You brought a walking bruise generator,” I grumbled.
Amanda grinned at me. “We’ll be back to making bruises in January, never you fear. I was recruited to be the referee, and I get to direct you in offensive tactics to conquer your grandfather-in-law.”
I liked the sound of that, but as I didn’t want to get nipped by a snake prematurely, I continued making sure all of my grandfather’s snakes were content. “Just call him my grandfather, as it gets to be a mouthful if we try to keep everybody straight. Quinn’s family is crazy, second only to the craziness that is my family. And he’s only partially crazy, because his family’s craziness starts with his grandfather. Mine started at conception. I have decided I’m the best parasite.”
“You’re hardly a parasite,” Janet replied.
“Oh, I’m not just a parasite. I’m the best parasite.”
My husband sighed and bowed his head. “Just because your human parents are assholes doesn’t make you a parasite, Bailey.”
“I’m the best parasite, Quinn. I successfully inhabited the womb of my host, leeching all of her nutrients until birth, where their attempts to get rid of me were thwarted by my badass self. I am the definition of what it is to be a parasite. Non-beneficial to my host, totally beneficial to me. But I was somewhat benevolent. She survived pregnancy. I didn’t burst out of her stomach or anything.” I gave the final coral snake a kiss before striding to my husband and prodding him in the chest. “And now I’m leeched onto you, and you can’t get rid of me.”
“We have a mutualistic symbiotic relationship, and as such, you do not get to maintain your status as the best parasite,” my husband countered. “You’re now a symbiont, as am I, as I am your partner in our mutualistic symbiotic relationship. You’re a former parasite, and I will consent that during your reign as a parasite, you were a most excellent one. But now you’re my symbiont, and I’m pleased you’re stuck with me forever.”
My eyes widened as my husband went for the throat, using science to flirt with me. I turned to Janet and pointed at him. “Do you see this?”
“I do. It seems he has transcended all other men, figuring out how to woo you with scientific terminology. You’re blushing.” Janet snickered. “He’s not wrong.”
“How are you feeling?” After having been petrified and kidnapped, it amazed me the woman had come out to a demonstration involving gorgons and a general petrification free-for-all.
Janet heaved a sigh and glared at Quinn. “Chief Quinn is making me undergo several rounds of petrification tonight until I learn to dodge better.”
“Quinn! You are not going to do anything like that to Janet.”
“Yes, I am.”
“No, you’re not.”
Janet smirked and walked over to Archambault, introducing herself to the former gorgon king, and rather than continue to argue with my husband over the thinly disguised torture of our cop under the thin guise of proper training, I observed.
Amanda patted my shoulder. “It was her idea, but she appreciates you care for her. She hates how easily they got the jump on her, and she wants to see if she can build a resistance. She’ll be one of the demonstrators. She’s also being paid a bonus by the CDC for participating, so she’s quite happy. Not only is she getting transferred to join us, she’s getting a really nice paycheck out of this.”
“No biting!” I reminded my gorgon grandfather’s serpents, as the little rascals would do just that if they thought they could get away with it. “I swear. His family is a zoo, Amanda.”
“Says the fire-breathing unicorn.”
“I really can’t talk, can I?”
“You really can’t.” Amanda grinned. “And add in your inclination to rescue animals from dumpsters, you are the queen of the zoo.”
“Being queen means I rule the zoo, and I’m all right with that.”
“I feel like I should protest, but as the king of her zoo, I can’t really complain.” Quinn extracted his arm from his mother’s hold, came to me, and gave me a kiss before turning me around and marching me to his grandfather. “Go get bit already. I have found the changed situation to my liking, and you seem to think you’ll have enough energy to unwrap presents by the time I’m finished with you.”
Evil, evil gorgon-incubus doohickey. “I am not going home until I have unwrapped my presents.”
“I’m still trying to figure out how we’ll get all of our presents home,” he admitted.
“I’m not above asking the various relatives who can teleport to help move everything, otherwise, we hire movers to drive across the country for us.” I escaped from his hold and stepped onto the mat, stretching as I’d been taught so Amanda wouldn’t have extra reasons to bruise me when we resumed our lessons. “Apparently, I’m here to get bit,” I informed the gorgon.
Archambault chuckled. “Someone thought about what my bite will do to you and found the situation pleasing. He probably won’t even notice if you get a few bruises now. Well, he might notice, but he won’t care.”
“Let’s get this show on the road, old man. I don’t have all night.”
The gorgon smiled and shook his head. “Patience, little granddaughter. The humans need to be lectured, then you’ll have your turn. Only then will you get to drag my little grandson to your suite.”
“Quickest beatdown of your life, old man,” I promised.
“You are so amusing.”
A CDC representative handled most of the lecturing, and Janet was petrified through expo
sure to Archambault’s gaze first before she was exposed to his bile, which did a good job of convincing most of the spectators they didn’t want to tango with a gorgon unless they had no other choice. I wrinkled my nose at the smell, only assisting the fledgling CDC reps with the cleanup job after the entire lot of them managed to become stone through improper handling of the substance.
As Janet lacked a significant other and had no interest in taking a random hookup to her room for the night, she didn’t get to experience Archambault’s bite. The number of volunteers would forever amuse me, and I suspected the gorgon’s poor coral snakes would be exhausted by the time the night was over. As a few too many of his snakes had overly full venom sacs, I got to rumble with him first.
I could handle an overdose. He wasn’t sure if regular humans could. With Amanda coaching me, I got to practice several tosses, one of which actually dropped the gorgon flat on his ass. I blinked, as did he.
Confused over how I’d floored the man, who weighed a hell of a lot more than me, I stared at my instructor, pointing at Quinn’s fallen grandfather.
“That’s supposed to happen when you do the toss correctly, Bailey.”
“He weighs like a bazillion pounds, Amanda. The bastard probably turns his legs into stone just to screw around with me.”
Archambault chuckled, got to his feet, and brushed off and straightened his clothes. “That time, I had not. This is a good time to mention had I been less on my guard, I would have made use of most of my defenses after that.”
“Thank you for not doing that,” I replied, and as I felt bad I’d startled his coral snakes, I apologized to each of them.
“My little granddaughter is very considerate towards our serpents,” the gorgon said, directing his attention to the curious crowd. “This is generally a wise approach, as they are individuals despite being a part of my body. Should you become friends with a gorgon, it is considered polite to ask if you wish to touch. Not all gorgons are able to maintain control over their serpents. In fact, I am not controlling any of them. She has built a relationship with each of them.”
Movement in the crowd drew my attention, and while I kept cuddling with Archmabault’s coral snakes, I indulged in my curiosity.
A tall man with an oddly familiar face and a scowl eased through the people, and when he wasn’t trying to escape in the general direction of the lobby, he shot glares my way. For once in my life, I hadn’t done anything to offend anyone in the hotel. While I lacked my phone, Archambault had his in his pocket, and he unlocked it with a few taps at the screen when I held it out.
“As a general rule, picking the pockets of a gorgon is a good way to get petrified. My little granddaughter has problems with asking before snitching things, like my little grandson.”
That made people laugh, and their jostling did a good job of keeping my target around long enough for me to snap a picture of him. Annoying someone hadn’t been part of my plans, and I took a few more pictures of the crowd to get as many faces as possible before I emailed and texted the pictures to myself and returned the phone to the gorgon’s pocket. “Thank you. Sam didn’t want me to break my phone. And I really would. If I had it on me, I would’ve fallen right into the canal. By default.”
“Never fear, little granddaughter. I will help you into the canal soon enough.”
Quinn would enjoy peeling me out of my wet clothes, and I doubted my poor jeans would survive. Some sacrifices needed to be made. “You better put your phone somewhere safe, as I’ll be doing my best to take you with me when I go.”
“I’m not worried about my phone. It’s waterproof.”
I scowled. Turning to my husband, I pointed at his grandfather. “Hey, doohickey! Why does he get a waterproof phone?”
“Your new phone is waterproof, Bailey. Did you not read the box when you bought it?”
Oh. “My phone needs to be better than his phone.”
“You’re going to get bit if you don’t pay attention to him.”
“Why’d you make me leave my phone upstairs if it’s waterproof?”
“You would inevitably crack the display roughhousing with my grandfather.”
While true, did he have to announce it to the entire crowd? Before I could voice my opinion, one of the coral snakes nipped my finger. I yelped and tried to pull my hand away, but the little bastard dug his fangs in deep. “Now you’re just being rude!”
“This is a good reason why you shouldn’t turn your back to a gorgon or point at one,” Archambault announced. “Unlike mundane snakes, mine generate venom at a significantly increased rate. In addition, my snakes continue to deliver venom for however long they bite. Had she been a standard human, she would be convulsing and frothing at the mouth, and her death would be counted in a matter of seconds at the dose she’s currently experiencing. I’ve won, Bailey. You may as well accept your defeat.”
Like hell I would accept defeat. I abandoned waiting for Amanda to give me directions, pounced on my gorgon grandfather, climbed him like a maypole, and went to work attempting to braid his damned serpents while they all took turns trying to sink their fangs into me.
In addition to venom modification, someone must have added a numbing agent, as the bites lacked their normal stab of pain. “You should ask for them to keep that anesthetic, Archambault. Normally, that stings a little.”
“Ah, yes. You can thank the angels and archangels for that. They felt it would ruin the fun if it actually hurt to be bitten. The holes will close sooner than you anticipate, too. As we’re in the season of their heightened power, I’m sure their benevolence may bring forth extra gifts, too.”
The only gift I needed was the ability to keep clamping my legs around the gorgon’s chest and having free rein to braid his coral snakes, who settled into our ritualistic game. I won when I dodged being bitten, they won when they bit, but as their bite packed the perfect punch, I made a show of dodging their bites while braiding them. “These poor babies have so much venom. You’re a bad gorgon, not taking care of them better.” I rested my elbows on his shoulders to make sure I stayed put while I worked, catching his serpents and weaving them together. Each time I caught one, I offered my arm as a reward for being good while I braided him. As was our way, they behaved once captured.
I gave it ten minutes before I was so hopped up on their venom I’d consider attempting a seduction of my gorgon-incubus doohickey in public.
To demonstrate his strength, Archambault strolled around the mat with no evidence my weight bothered him. “It is worth noting that gorgons can, in some circumstances, do dry bites, but this is rare. Should you be in a relationship with a gorgon, and you’re invited to play with our snakes, as my little granddaughter is currently doing, they will do fangless nips rather than actual bites. You should never engage in such activities with younger gorgons, as it is a skill that must be mastered. When available, most of us carry antidotes in case of an accidental bite, or we petrify a bitten victim to allow time for rescue personnel to administer a treatment.”
As I could see a bunch of idiots testing their luck because they could, I said, “The treatment for petrification reversal and the antivenin is usually around five thousand dollars. It requires a lot of neutralizer, an identification of the venom used, acquisition of the antivenin if available, and the services of an angel or a high-level practitioner if an angel isn’t available. Practitioners are cheaper, but they’re not as reliable about purging toxins of a gorgon’s potency. More often than not, such a bite leads to death, but gorgons are particularly careful around their brides—or their permanent surrogates. There are contracts for surrogates, and any costs of care are included as part of their compensation. If such a thing interests you, you can either approach a gorgon or inquire with the CDC.”
“And now, for a more practical demonstration of a gorgon’s strength,” Archambault announced before grabbing hold of my legs right above the knees and peeling me off, despite my best efforts to stay put. The instant he had my legs unwound from
his body, he bent over and tossed me over his head into the canal.
I shrieked, landed with a splash, submerged, and flailed before my ass hit the bottom. I scrambled to the surface, glaring at the bastard while I tread water, as the canal was just deep enough I needed to swim. “That was just rude!”
“So, shall we begin the meet and greet? The CDC representatives will determine order, but please leave any valuables you do not want to get wet. I find throwing humans into the water to be quite entertaining.”
What a jerk. I sighed, swam to the nearby ladder, where my husband met me, his smuggest smirk in place.
That smirk worried me. “What?” I asked.
“I’m just waiting for the aphrodisiac to start kicking in so I can fully enjoy my conquest.”
When Quinn went on a conquest, I became the conquered, and I enjoyed every moment of it. “Apparently, it’s slower onset than I thought. Probably because they don’t want to turn the Canal Shoppes into a sex party.”
“As I do not share, I approve. Did you have fun?”
“I tossed him!”
“I have several pictures of his expression when your pretty little self knocked him flat on the floor. They are now priceless treasures, and I have determined I need to reward you for good behavior. I’ve been informed if you ruin my new suit, I can have it replaced as part of my uncle’s wedding gift to us. I know how you can get with buttons.”
And shirts. And pants. And anything else getting between me and a close look at his skin. “You have the best uncle.”
“That shirt looks great on you when wet,” my husband commented, making no move to help me out of the canal.
Considering he likely had an excellent view of my cleavage, I couldn’t blame him for that. “I’m sure it has nothing to do with your position up there.”
“It has everything to do with that. I’m hoping you slip a few times. That will teach you to let my grandfather toss you like that.”
“Oh, come on. He has arms of steel. There was no way I was able to keep my hold on him. Give me a break.”