by Emma Wunsch
“The boys won’t have anything to do with it?” Miranda asked as they walked inside.
Maude grinned. “Not. A. Thing.”
“But Norbert’s the best writer in class, Saeed is amazing at punctuation, and Donut . . .”
Maude shook her head. “Norbert is a story writer. And playwright. We’re going to write news.”
“What kind of news?” Hillary asked.
“News about the boys cheating at tug-of-war, how dumb tag is, stuff like that!”
“Thinking tag is dumb is an opinion,” Miranda said as they walked into class.
But Maude, who was poking Hillary on the back, didn’t seem to hear.
“Hillary, you’d make a great managing editor,” Maude said. “What do you say?”
“I’m too busy balancing.” Hillary sat down at her desk.
“Being a managing editor is perfect for balancing. Managing editors come up with the articles that the reporters, girl reporters, report. And they make sure everyone meets their deadlines. It’s nothing but balancing!”
“I’ll consider it,” Hillary said.
Maude jumped up on her desk, glared at the boys, and whispered, “We’ll be like the great women who started The Una, the first women’s rights newspaper ever published! They called it ‘a paper devoted to the elevation of women.’ How awesome is that?”
“Maude? What are you doing?” Miss Kinde asked sweetly.
“Um . . . elevating?”
“Well, please save your elevating for recess.”
Maude nodded and slid back into her seat.
“We’ll go down in Mountain River Valley Elementary School history,” Maude whispered.
Hillary considered this. “Okay. I’ll do it. Now let me start my practice exam so I can beat you.”
“Hooray!” Maude shouted. “Hooray for the Girls Gazette!”
“Maude!” Miss Kinde gave her a rare I’m-the-teacher-you’re-the-student look.
“Sorry,” Maude said sincerely. She picked up her pencil and tried to focus on her exam, but her mind was buzzing with excitement, knowing the Girls Gazette would totally prove that the 3B girls were so much better than the boys!
14
THE LIST OF WEEKLY EVENTS AND OTHER IMPORTANT ARTICLES
Led by Maude Brandywine Mayhew Kaye, editor in chief, the staff of the Girls Gazette had their first official meeting during recess.
“I just thought of a great story,” Agatha said after Maude had given a thankfully short but very good speech on the historical importance of newspapers. “I saw Norbert and Fletcher in the grocery store yesterday. And guess what?”
“I know,” Maude said. “They tripped an old lady with a cane! They threw soup cans at a baby!”
“Maude!” Miranda sounded horrified. “Norbert and Fletcher would never do that.” Just last week, she’d seen Fletcher take a kindergartener with extremely bloody knees to the nurse.
“They crashed in the fruit aisle,” Agatha said excitedly. “A million bananas fell down! Maybe they were playing tag.”
“The dangers of tag,” Maude said excitedly. “That could be the lead story! ‘Above the fold,’ as they say in the news biz!”
“But we don’t know they were playing tag,” Miranda said quietly.
“I’m sure they were.” Maude sounded confident.
“I’ll interview myself about the injury I got when Donut knocked me over,” Hillary said. “I’ll give long answers to my long questions.”
Maude nodded.
“What about cartoons?” Desdemona shifted on the soccer ball she was sitting on. “My grandpa says that’s the only good part of the paper. I can draw everything but horses, hands, and bicycles.”
“Excellent,” Maude said.
“What about me?” Agnes asked. “I hate writing and can’t draw.”
“Well, um . . .” Maude didn’t want to force anyone to join the paper, but she thought that for the Girls Gazette to be a true movement, all 3B girls should be involved.
“But I’m the second-best speller in the class and always know where commas go. Could I do that?”
Maude breathed a sigh of relief. “You’ll make a terrific copy editor, Agnes.”
“What about Miss Kinde?” Miranda asked. “Should we ask her to write something?”
“No,” Maude said.
“But she was a girl,” Miranda said. “Before she was a grown-up.”
“Yes, but look.” Maude pointed to their teacher, who was somehow giving Saeed an ice pack with one hand while tying Fletcher’s shoelace with the other. “Does Miss Kinde need to know about the Girls Gazette?”
The girls looked at one another. Should the Girls Gazette be a secret?
“She already has so much work. She doesn’t need more.” Maude sounded concerned.
Since none of the girls wanted to give their beloved teacher more work, they moved on.
“Advertising,” Hillary said, looking at the list on her clipboard. “A paper needs ads.”
Maude nodded. “We’ll advertise the next Girls Gazette staff meeting. And make an ad for pet vaccination. Whether your animal is a boy or a girl, pet vaccination is important.”
“You’ll check on the printing press?” Hillary asked Miranda.
Miranda nodded.
“Everyone must meet their deadline,” Hillary said. “I’m very busy. Mostly with balancing, but there’s also all the extra homework I like to do and my tuba lessons and extra practice-exam practice and yo-yo club and my cotton-ball craft group and my difficult-book club and my granny is coming to visit . . .” She trailed off, overwhelmed by how much she had to do.
“I just had yet another brilliant idea!” Maude shouted. “The Girls Gazette will have a list of weekly events. A list of everything that’s going on. But just for the girls, of course! Like your balance competition.” She looked at Hillary, who was standing on one leg with the clipboard on her head.
“I have a soccer game Saturday morning,” Desdemona said. “And a gymnastics jamboree Saturday afternoon!”
“That will be listed,” Maude said.
“My birthday is next Tuesday,” Agnes said.
Maude nodded.
“I’m going to my cousin’s birthday party on Sunday,” Agatha said. “Ellis Fredrick von Miltenberger the Third is going to be five. Or maybe six. Possibly seventeen. I don’t know, actually.”
“Sorry,” Maude said. “The Girls Gazette is girls only. No matter how old he is, Ellis Fredrick von Miltenberger’s birthday won’t make the list.”
Agatha looked sad but then perked up. “I’m going to my aunt’s baby shower soon. She’s having two girls!”
“Excellent,” Maude said. “Two girls can definitely be in the list of weekly events!”
15
NEWSPAPERS ARE REALLY A LOT OF WORK
For the rest of the week, before school, during recess, during school, and after school, the girls of 3B secretly worked on the Girls Gazette.
It turned out that putting out a newspaper was really hard. Articles were written and rewritten. Cartoons were drawn and redrawn. Vast quantities of pretzels were eaten. Commas were put in. Spelling mistakes were found, corrected, and then corrected again. Commas were taken out. Finally, late Thursday evening, when every i was dotted and every t crossed, Maude and Miranda set out to print.
Even with KD’s assistance, printing a newspaper proved extremely time consuming and complicated. The press required a great deal of ink, and ink turned out to be quite messy. In the end, Maude and Miranda stayed up way past their school-night bedtimes in order to get the paper out on schedule.
Early Friday morning, before Miss Kinde came in, the exhausted girls of 3B proudly put a copy of their paper on every boy’s desk. They had done it! It was officially in print that tag was the worst game ever and that the girls were better than the boys at training chickens, balancing, playing soccer, skateboarding, and practically everything else!
The boys got very quiet when they came into the
ir classroom that Friday. And then, one by one, they began to read.
16
THE SECOND BOYS-ONLY MEETING
Hunched over his desk reading the Girls Gazette, Donut fumed. Tag is not stupid, he thought. Doughnuts were the best dessert, not the worst! Hillary’s leg was fine! She could stand on one leg better than anyone. And the impartial referee had impartially said the boys had won tug-of-war fair and square! How could the girls write all this stuff? Donut stayed furious while taking his morning practice exam; during music, where he purposely played his recorder extra off-key; and at lunch, where he mindlessly swallowed bits of flavorless cafeteria food. It wasn’t until recess, when he was hitting a pile of sand with a stick, that inspiration struck: the boys would have a newspaper too! And it would be better, so much better, than the Girls Gazette!
“Boys-only meeting,” Donut whispered loudly. “I have an idea!” He took the Girls Gazette out of his pocket. “We’re going to make a newspaper too! And it’s going to be better. Much better!”
“How?” Felix asked. “We don’t have a printing press.”
“But who prints the town paper?” Donut asked.
Felix looked blank and then smacked his palm on his forehead. “Oh! Right! My dad! The Mountain River Valley News. ‘From the mountain to the river to the valley, we print the news!’”
“So he must have printers.”
Felix nodded. “There’s a building of them at the bottom of Mount Coffee.”
Donut grinned. “And Norris, isn’t your mom a world-famous photographer?”
Norris nodded.
“She probably has a lot of cameras.”
Norris nodded again.
“Can you take pictures?”
Norris nodded a third and final time.
“And my great-uncle Jacoby is the town mailman,” Fletcher said eagerly.
The boys looked at him. What did great-uncle Jacoby have to do with a newspaper?
“So,” Fletcher said, “not only can we print a real newspaper with real photographs, we can get them delivered!” He laughed. “To everyone! Not just Three B. I’m sure he’d be happy to make an extra early delivery for his favorite great-nephew!”
The boys grinned! Their paper would be better and bigger and way more awesome than the Girls Gazette.
17
THE BOYS BUGLE
The girls of 3B spent the weekend doing the activities listed in the Girls Gazette weekly events list. Desdemona soccered and gymnasticked. Hillary balanced and did eight million other things. Miranda and Maude helped Walt make not-salty-enough salt bread. Agnes and Agatha did not get nearly enough sleep at their two-night sleepover, which meant that Agatha was so tired by the time she arrived at the senior center for her performance, she fell asleep while playing “The Blue Danube.” The seniors clapped anyway.
The boys of 3B, on the other hand, canceled their weekend plans. There were no origami clubs or calligraphy classes. There was no karate or water polo. There was no doing nothing except reading comics and eating bowls of pepperoni on the couch.
The boys spent their weekend working on the Boys Bugle.
They took notes. They took pictures. They wrote. They rewrote. They drank chocolate milk. They designed. They argued over headlines. They argued over commas. They redesigned. They drank more chocolate milk. They changed headlines. They ran out of chocolate milk, so they drank warm pineapple juice, which was disgusting. They spell-checked. And then, finally, at the latest possible hour on Sunday night, they were done.
“It’s amazing,” Norbert said proudly.
“Best of the best,” Norris said.
“The girls are going to be so mad,” Donut said, beaming.
18
THE BOYS BUGLE DELIVERED
“Well, this is interesting,” KD said, walking into the royal breakfast nook on Monday morning.
Miranda looked up from her breakfast. Her dad was holding the Mountain River Valley News and something called the Boys Bugle.
Across town, Walt walked into the kitchen with two newspapers, too.
“Well, this is curious,” Walt said, opening the Boys Bugle. “Some of your classmates were busy this weekend.” He sounded impressed.
Maude stared at the newspaper her father held out. It was not the Girls Gazette or the Mountain River Valley News. But it was thick, with beautiful color pictures. Plus, it had been delivered! Right to her house! And the lead article was called “Tag Is Officially the Best Game Ever and the Boys Did Not Cheat at Tug-of-War”!
19
MAUDE CALLS AN EMERGENCY MEETING
“Meeting!” Maude announced when she got to the playground Monday morning.
“Our meeting isn’t until recess.” Agatha didn’t look up from the Boys Bugle. “That’s how it’s listed in the Girls Gazette.”
“The Boys Bugle has a real calendar. Not just a list,” Hillary said. “It looks cool.”
“Emergency meeting,” Maude said loudly. “We can’t stand for this!”
“Stand for what?” Miranda asked.
“For the Boys Bugle! It isn’t fair.”
“Why isn’t it fair?” Miranda was confused. “We made a paper, they made a paper.”
“It’s . . . it’s . . .” Maude said. “They took our idea. And they . . .” She didn’t say anything else, but everyone knew what she was thinking: The boys took our idea and made it better!
“But your dad told us that quote,” Miranda said. “Remember when you got mad after your brother copied the shape of your bread and your dad said that quote about imitation and flattery. Shouldn’t we be flattered that the boys made a paper, too?”
“Charles Caleb Colton said, ‘Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,’” Maude said. “But we should not be flattered. We should be furious!”
You certainly look furious, Miranda thought. Maude was sweaty and red. And her hair was sticking up in more ways than ever.
“Those boys must be punished for their crime!” Maude declared.
It’s not a crime, Miranda thought. It’s freedom of the press. At least, I think it is. She looked at Maude curiously. Was she missing something? After all, she hadn’t been in school as long as Maude. And Maude knew a lot more quotes and wore a lot of buttons.
“But what can we do?” Agnes asked.
Maude jumped back onto the rusty lunchbox and cleared her throat. “The boys might have beaten us at tug-of-war and newspapering. They might have taken our swings and balance beam. Our soccer balls might be in great danger! But they can’t outsmart us.” Maude tapped her temple. “And that is why I stand here before you not only as editor in chief but also as your commander.”
“Commander?” the girls said.
Maude nodded. “I hereby officially accept the position of commander in the battle of wits!”
“What battle of wits?” Desdemona asked.
Maude cleared her throat. “We’re going to beat them with our brains.”
The girls nodded. Using their brains was definitely a smart idea.
“How?” Hillary asked.
“Agnes, your birthday is tomorrow, right?” Maude asked. “That’s listed in our weekly events.”
Agnes grinned. “I’m bringing tiny cupcakes!”
“No, you’re not,” Maude said matter-of-factly. “You’re bringing doughnuts. Large doughnuts.”
“Large doughnuts?” Agnes frowned. “Tiny cupcakes are much better than large doughnuts.”
“Yes,” Maude said. “I agree, but trust me.”
20
VERY EARLY TUESDAY MORNING
Extremely early Tuesday morning, at the moment the sun was changing places with the moon, a student in 3B got to work. The student checked their supplies and nodded. Revenge would be sweet, the student thought.
21
DONUT GETS A DOUGHNUT
At the scheduled birthday-celebration time, Agnes passed out doughnuts. As planned ahead of time, she gave the largest one to Donut.
“Oh, boy,” Donut
said gleefully. He took an enormous bite and happily chewed, savoring the sweet dough and waiting for the tangy jelly to ooze into his mouth. Donut kept chewing. Where was the jelly? This wasn’t like any jelly doughnut he’d had before. He tried to swallow, but his mouth felt stuck. And then Donut realized: there was no jelly! There was . . . What was in the doughnut?
“Is he okay?” Miranda pointed to Donut, whose eyes were big and full of panic. Also, there was a very unusual, horribly strong smell in 3B. Miranda sniffed and looked at Maude.
Maude grinned. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said.
Miranda sniffed again and looked back at Donut. Did the battle of wits have something to do with Donut’s doughnut? Was that why Maude wouldn’t let Agnes bring tiny cupcakes? The smell in the room was getting so strong that any second now she was sure Miss Kinde would open the windows. The smell, Miranda thought, is almost worse than hard-boiled eggs and the gymnasium combined. The classroom smelled like sweat and feet and . . . cheese! Maude’s cheese, Miranda thought, remembering Maude’s half-eaten sandwich that had fallen out of her bag the other day.
Miranda looked over at Maude, but Maude, busy eating her doughnut and reading her chicken-training book, didn’t notice.
Without thinking too much about it, Miranda took out a piece of pink paper and, in her neatest and smallest handwriting, wrote: Cheese. (Limburger, I think.)
Heart pounding, Miranda quickly dropped the note on Donut’s desk.
Donut, who still hadn’t swallowed, noticed the note right away.
“Cheese,” he read. Cheese?
And then, in the midst of the worst doughnut experience of his life, Donut understood. The jelly in his jelly doughnut was not jelly! It was cheese! And not just any cheese. The smelliest, most disgusting, sweaty-feet-tasting cheese in the entire universe. But what could he do?