“What do you like to read? I’ll get you some books.”
“I want to read the Harry Potter books. And the Percy Jackson ones. I like things that are about magic.”
“I love Harry Potter, so I’ll make sure I get them for you,” M’s Mom says.
“Thank you, Mrs. Dawson.”
“You can call me Paris.” I meet her eyes for a second, and smile.
“Neve, can you tell me about yourself?” Amelia asks.
“My name’s Neve. And I help M when she needs me.”
“How old are you?”
“I’m eleven.”
“You said you help Molly when she needs you. How do you help her?”
“I take her pain away and make her go to sleep.” I keep drawing, not looking at Paris or Amelia. “Why are you here?” I ask.
“Me?” Paris asks.
“Not you. But her.” I point to Amelia.
“I’m here to help Molly. I work with people who are like you and her.”
“How can you help us?”
“I’d like to help all of you get along. You all have to live together, just like a very close family. And sometimes, in a very close family, there could be fighting, and nasty things said. I’m here to talk to you all, so we can find a way for all of you to be happy together. But before I can do that, I have to understand everything about you.”
“I have to take the pain,” I admit openly.
“How do you do that?”
“When he used to come into the room, I’d make sure M was asleep. I’d send her to a place where she couldn’t feel what he was doing. I took all that for her. I never want M to feel what I felt.”
“How do you know when he’d come into the room?”
“First it was the song. He’d play a song, and I knew what was going to happen. I couldn’t let M go through that. The first few times, she cried, and I knew I had to do something. She was very young. Younger than me. I knew I had to protect her.”
“Can you tell me what song it was?”
My shoulders tense, and I shake my head so much it feels like my brain is jiggling around. “No, I don’t want to remember.”
“That’s okay. How long would you stay to help Molly?”
“I’d stay until it was over. I love M, and I never wanted her to remember what he used to do. I took everything away from her. His smell, his words, his sounds.” A tear rolls down my cheek, and fractures my heart. “I don’t want to talk about him anymore.”
“We don’t need to talk about him. How about AJ, do you like him?”
“I like AJ, but he blames himself.”
“Why does he blame himself?”
“He feels bad, because after AJ came to live with us, he decided he was the protector. The one who kept us all safe. He would come into my room with the bunny when it was time to go to him. He hated having to tell me that. I hated having to hear it. But I don’t blame him. Kate helps AJ not hate himself.”
“What would you like to happen, Neve?”
I look up from my drawing, and focus on Amelia. “I think this is the first time anyone’s every asked me what I want.” M’s Mom gasps as she struggles to hold back tears. “It’s okay, Paris. I understand.” I stand, walk over to her, and hug her.
She hesitantly lifts her arms, and hugs me back.
“I don’t like anyone touching me, but I like your hugs. You’re cuddly,” I say as I tighten my arms around her. “Is it okay if I hug you?”
“You can hug me any time you want, my sweet girl.”
I sit down, and give her a little smile. I like M’s Mom. She’s so nice. Just then I notice the doggy staring at me. “Hello,” I say to the doggy.
“That’s Zhen, he’s Molly’s dog,” M’s Mom offers.
“Hello, Zhen.” I slide off the chair, and sit on the floor. Zhen is hesitant, not sure of who I am. “Come here, boy.” I pat the place in front of my little legs. Zhen stands, with a slight wag to his tail, he paces over.
“Neve, can you describe to me what you look like?” Amelia asks.
“I don’t like my hair.” I pick up a strand and look at it. “It’s dull. See?” I hold it up to Amelia. “I don’t like mirrors either. I’m not very pretty so I don’t like to look at myself. My legs are little, but I’ll get taller one day.” Zhen cuddles into me, and I hug him so tight. “I don’t really like people. But I like you.” I look up to M’s Mom. “And I like Zhen.” I give him kisses on the back of his neck. “I think I like you,” I say to Amelia.
“I really like you, Neve,” M’s Mom says.
“I’m tired, can I go to sleep now?” I ask.
“You can. Do you mind if we have Molly back?”
“I can ask her. Night.” I’m exhausted, I need to go to sleep.
Opening my eyes, I try to blink a few times. I feel so tired.
“What happened?” I ask Mom and Amelia, but turn, looking for Dad.
“We spoke with Neve,” Mom replies.
I listen to the voices, and they’re quiet.
“How are you feeling?” Amelia asks.
“Tired. I um…” I close my eyes to try and concentrate, but I hear nothing. “They’re quiet.” I notice I’m on the floor, and Zhen’s panting in front of me. Standing, I brush off my butt, and sit in the chair again.
Mom stands, walks over to the fridge, and pours some cold water into a glass. She brings it over to me. “Here, have some water.” She pushes the glasses closer to me.
“I feel tired.” Picking up the water, I take a sip. “Why?”
“You’re just learning about your alters. You’ll find certain triggers may bring them out. Maybe they want to be out,” Amelia says.
“Neve asked your father to leave,” Mom says.
“Is that why Dad’s not here?”
“I’m here,” Dad says. “I was sitting outside in the foyer. I was listening to everything that happened.” He walks in, and sits beside me. “I don’t know what to think.” He appears confused. But I doubt he’s anywhere near as puzzled as I am.
I chuckle to myself.
“What’s funny?” Amelia asks.
“Up until recently I thought I was a relatively normal person. Now I find out, I have these…alters, living inside of me. And probably have had them for many years.”
“You’re still you,” she says.
“With these other personalities living inside me?”
“Yes, that’s correct.” She nods her head. “And the four of you have to learn how to live together. You no longer own this body. It belongs to the four of you. Don’t try to lock your alters out.”
This is heavy. I run my hand through my hair, trying to come to terms with this.
“Talk to me, Molly,” Amelia says.
I let out a deep sigh. “I feel like it’s all my fault.”
“What?”
“I’m responsible for them.” I tap my temple.
“Do you want to know what I know about DID?”
“I want to know why I am the way I am.”
“Because you suffered horrific childhood trauma. And your brain went into fight or flight mode, but with repeated and long-term trauma, fight or flight fails. Which is where our brains do whatever they can to survive. And what yours did was dissociate. It said, I’m going to turn off, and surrender. Which is where Neve, AJ and Kate live.”
“I could’ve fought him.”
“No, you couldn’t. I’ll tell you why. As young children, we love unconditionally. Our brains aren’t capable of seeing any family member as evil. It goes against our fundamental belief that our families are there to give us love, attention, food, and safety. So when trauma is forced on us from someone we trust, we start internalizing it. Questioning ourselves. Was it something I did? Could I have stopped this? Is it my fault this happened? The answer is no, to all those questions. Obviously, as a three-year-old, you couldn’t do anything to stop what a sixteen-year-old boy did to you. None of this is your fault. And nothing you could’ve said or do
ne would’ve made him stop. Nothing. This is not your fault.”
A shiver rips through my body. And I feel sick to my stomach. I want to believe what Amelia is saying, but the guilt has become far too big for me to try and come to terms with it.
It’s not your fault. AJ says.
It’s not your fault. Neve repeats.
It’s not your fault. Kate recites.
“You’re all echoes of me,” I say to my alters.
We are all echoes of you.
We’re here with you, M. Let me take over.
“No, AJ. I have to face this.”
Dylan takes my hand in his. I haven’t been able to talk to him yet about everything I’ve found out. I will, but for right now I have to be here, in the present, for Tina.
“Are you okay?” Dylan whispers on the way to the funeral. Mom and Dad are in the car in front of us. I peek at the chauffeur, and notice he’s not paying any attention to us at all.
“It’s hard. AJ, Neve, and Kate all want to help. But I have to do this.” Dylan nods his head like he understands. “I know we have to talk about it, and I want to. But not today.”
“It’s okay. I’ve been doing my own research, and I want to be here. For all of you.”
I tighten my fingers around his. “Thank you.”
The car slows, and I look out the window. We’re approaching the chapel where the service will take place. My parents’ car stops first. The driver gets out and opens the door for them. Mom slides out first, then Dad.
The car slowly pulls away, and then it’s our turn.
Outside the chapel there are so many people. Everyone dressed in dark, somber colors. All the faces blend into one. I can barely open my eyes let alone see who’s here for Tina.
A huge lump sits in my throat.
“Miss Molly?” the chauffeur asks.
I haven’t even noticed that he has the door open for me. I slide out of the car, voiceless…internally dying from the sadness. I should say thank you to the driver. My brain can’t contain any emotion other than heart-shattering grief.
Let me help you. AJ whispers.
“I have to do this,” I whisper in reply. For everyone who doesn’t know about my condition, I simply look like I’m encouraging myself to move forward.
But right now, I don’t care what anyone thinks.
My parents are right here, waiting for me. My father is crumbling. Tears are falling down his face and his chin is trembling. He’s struggling with having to bury his daughter. My mother is an emotional wreck. Smashed, with her own inner demons eating her alive.
I wedge myself between my parents, and hug them with everything I have. I can feel them both trembling with the sobs. I struggle to keep from crying.
It feels like time is moving at sonic speed.
“Mr. and Mrs. Dawson. Molly,” Dylan’s strong voice cracks.
We turn to look at him, and see the hearse approaching.
Quivers tear through my body as I reach to take Dylan’s hand in mine. Mom and Dad gravitate toward each other, holding one another tight.
Dylan wraps his arm around my shoulder, and pulls me into his body.
I can’t take my eyes off the hearse. It slows, and finally stops a mere few feet from us. People begin to enter the chapel, leaving only our family standing outside.
“How can she be in there?” I ask.
“I’m sorry,” Dylan whispers.
The driver is a woman, dressed in white. The passenger is also a woman dressed in white. Both are simply elegant, regal. They look so loving and serene.
They walk around to the back of the hearse, and open the door. They slide something out, and I nearly vomit. It’s my sister’s coffin. “Wow,” I whisper. It’s not a traditional coffin, it’s a woven wicker casket, light in color, with a beautiful spray of bold flowers. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you with this,” I say to my parents.
Both of them shake their heads, unable to speak.
My tears dry, as I stare at the graceful basket holding my sister.
My Dad, Dylan, Gabriella, Willow, and the two women from the funeral home all take a handle. They carry Tina’s coffin into the chapel, and place it on the bier in the front of the sanctuary.
I follow with Mom, and we sit in the front row.
Dad walks over and sits between Mom and me, Dylan on my other side. Gabriella and Willow sit next to Dylan.
One of the women in white stands at the podium and greets us all. She asks for me to come forward and give my eulogy.
Standing, I make my way to the front.
Taking the paper out of my pocket, my hands tremble as I lay it flat on the podium.
We’re here for you. AJ whispers to me.
“Hello,” I start with a shaky voice. I’m not sure how long I will be able to talk for before I crack and burst into tears.
Dylan stands, buttons up his suit jacket, and comes to stand beside me. He places his arm around me, leans in and gives me a kiss on the forehead. “You’ve got this,” he whispers encouragingly.
Yeah, I do.
For Tina.
“Tina and I were adopted by our parents at a young age. Tina’s life didn’t start off all happy and rosy. She was surrendered because her mother couldn’t care for her and her father was nowhere to be found. Tina was six when our parents adopted her. I first met her when we were seven, one year later.
“Tina and I were both fortunate to grow up in a loving, stable home. We have two incredibly generous and loving parents who have given us everything we could’ve wanted, and more.”
I look to Mom and Dad, and smile. They have to know they’re the best parents in the world.
“Tina and I became close from a very early age. The first night I came to live with them, she snuck into my room, crawled under my bed covers, and hugged me. She told me she’d never had a sister before, and now that she had one, she was never going to let me go.”
I hold in my tears, and let out a deep sigh. I look away, trying to focus on anything but the words on the page. I catch myself, obliviously playing with the pendant she gave me on our birthday.
“Tina and I grew up with love in our hearts, and stability in our home. Tina was the very essence of beauty, grace, happiness, and love. She always had a smile on her face, and was ready to take on the world.”
I swallow back the lump. Dylan hugs me tighter for a few seconds, before slightly releasing his grip.
“We have all surrendered to the loss of our beautiful Tina since that dreadful moment when the monster took her from us. He ripped away a woman whose potential was only beginning to bloom. We will never know what greatness she might have achieved.”
I look down to the paper, gathering the remainder of my strength.
“I’ll never see Tina again. I won’t be able to share all my joys with her, or my failures, or my life. I won’t be able to share in hers. I won’t hold her hand and eat a tray of brownies when her heart is broken. I won’t be able to scream in joy when she tells me she’s met the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I won’t be able to stand beside as her greatest supporter when she says ‘I do.’ I’ll never hold my niece or nephew. I’ll never talk with her again.”
I swallow back the lump sitting in my throat.
“All because she was viciously ripped away from us. From me, my parents, her friends, and the world.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, barely holding on. “I thank you, Tina. You gave me the best memories I could ever ask for. And for that reason, I pledge to you that I will honor and love you until my very last breath.
“I give thanks to being able to find Tina and my family when in my life I had nothing. Tina…” I turn to face her casket and my voice breaks. “You will never be forgotten.” I bow my head, collect every emotion, every thought, every memory and return to my seat.
I can’t hold on to my emotions any more.
I let them go.
And with the devastating torrent running through
my body, I collapse into Dylan’s arms.
We’re so proud of you.
We all are.
“Please, for now. Let me grieve,” I whisper.
AJ’s voice is the loudest. Neve and Kate step back. We’re here when you need us.
I know… I know.
I scratch my nail down a bump on my jeans, trying to flick whatever it is off.
Zhen’s laying across my left foot, deep in sleep. He lets out a small whine, then tries to run. It makes me smile. I wonder what he’s dreaming about?
“Hey,” Dylan says as he comes into the family room and sits beside me.
“Hey,” I reply as I avoid contact with his gaze. We haven’t spoken about my… um, I’m not sure what to call them. Amelia has called them alters. So have my parents.
“We need to talk about what’s happening,” he says.
The tension in the room is thick, nearly suffocating.
I nod slowly, “I suppose we do.”
“I think the longer we leave it, the harder it’ll be to get a handle on where we’re heading.”
Huh. I figure, now he knows everything, we won’t be heading anywhere together. “I get it.” I suck in the air to fill my lungs, trying to contain all my emotions. But since the funeral yesterday, I’ve been paralyzed emotionally. I feel like I’m stuck between the plane of dead, and the living. “This is all too much for any person to handle. It’s too much for me, so I can only imagine what you’re thinking, and how you’re feeling.” I turn to look at him. “I get it,” I say again but in a softer voice.
“I don’t think you do.”
“There’s no shame in wanting to leave, Dylan. Hell, I don’t know how I’d react if this was happening to you.”
“You wouldn’t leave,” he says with certainty. “Just like, I’m not going to.”
I crinkle my brows questioningly at him. “Why not?” I sigh, somewhat frustrated at him and with myself.
“Because I’ve been spending my time researching, talking with Amelia, and other psychotherapists. And I’m learning about DID and what it means for you, for me, and for us.” He waits for me to respond, but I don’t. I don’t know what to say. “If AJ, Neve, and Kate want to meet me, then I’d really like to meet them too. And I understand that none of them are in a rush to want to do that. But I’d like them to know that I have no intentions to go anywhere, and when they’re comfortable, I want them to give me an opportunity to meet them.”
Echoes of You Page 24