“You what?” Mom asks.
Dylan squeezes my hand tight, reassuring me. “I put a hole in her door.”
“What happened?” Amelia asks. She picks up her bottled water, unscrews the lid, and has a sip. “Tell me about it.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. I lost myself. I was angry, and I beat her door.”
“You were angry, or you are angry?”
I half shrug. “Does it matter? It can’t change what’s happened.”
“What are you angry about?” Amelia asks.
“Everything. Tina shouldn’t have been the one to die. If there really is a God, then God chose wrong. He or she, should’ve put me in harm’s way, let me take what happened. Tina didn’t deserve what happened to her.”
“And you think you deserve to die?” Amelia’s asking all the questions with a calm, non-judgmental tone.
“Let’s face it. I’m the one who’s forever going to have multiple personalities living inside. She was the normal one of us. She could’ve been so much more than I’ll ever be. She had potential. I have nothing to offer.” I hear Dylan let out a sigh.
“Do you believe your life is worth less than Tina’s?”
I crinkle my brows together, thinking about Amelia’s question. “I think she would’ve added more value to the world than I ever could.” Mom gasps, and when I turn to face her, she’s looking away so I can’t see her, but I know she’s crying. “Please, Mom,” I beg. “Don’t cry, I’m trying to be honest.”
Mom nods, but doesn’t say anything, instead offering a strained, fake smile with her eyes shimmering with tears.
“Why do you think she could add more value than you?”
“I’m…” What am I? “I’m not whole.”
Amelia looks to me, her eyes roaming over my body. “You don’t look like you’re missing any parts.”
“I’m damaged in ways I never knew I was.” I chew on my bottom lip, thinking about all of me. “Why didn’t I know about them before Tina’s death?”
“You probably did. But you buried them once he left the foster home. And then you were adopted into a loving family who welcomed you and loved you. As humans, we bury what we haven’t learnt to accept. Or what we’re afraid of.”
“I don’t know how to move forward.”
“We need to find a way for you to forgive.”
“Forgive? I can never forgive him for what he did.” Tears begin to well up in my eyes. “I may not remember, but Neve does. And I can’t, hand on my heart,” I place my hand to my chest, “ever forgive him for hurting us. I will never, ever forgive him.”
“I’m not asking you to. But I’m asking you to forgive yourself.”
I burst into tears. “I can’t. I should’ve stopped him. I should’ve yelled, and tried to get away from him.” Dylan carefully moves closer, as he slings his arm over my shoulders and draws me in for a tight embrace. “I should’ve done something, said something. I shouldn’t have allowed him to do that to us,” I say through the sobs.
“You were only a baby. A small child who looked to him for protection.”
“I should’ve done something. I should’ve killed him.” I don’t even know who I’m talking about now. I’m torn, my insides are fighting with so many emotions. “I should’ve killed them both.”
“This is survivor’s guilt, Molly.”
“I don’t care what it is. Help me make it go away.”
“Molly, the only way we can move forward, is if you face your past. Every ugly, horror-filled aspect of it.”
I nod my head. “I can’t live a life where I’m drowning in guilt and shame. But I don’t know how to breathe anymore.”
“Let us breathe for you,” Dad says.
“We all need help, Molly. Your Dad, me, and you. We’re all barely drifting through each day. But we have to keep fighting, for you and for Tina,” Mom says.
“I feel like I need to do something.” I shrug, not sure what that something is. “But I don’t know what.”
“What do you want to achieve?” Amelia asks.
“I need to do something that’ll make a difference.”
“A difference to you?”
“What happened to me has already happened, but maybe I can help someone else. Maybe I can give a voice to someone who’s going through it now, and is too frightened to speak up.”
Amelia nods. “First, you need to acknowledge what happened, Molly. Not to Neve, not to AJ and not to Kate, but to you.” She points at me.
“I acknowledge it,” I say.
“No, you need to be able to say it.”
I let go of Dylan’s hand, and stand. Zhen gets up from where he’s lying and follows me as I pace back and forth. “I’m not sure I can say the words aloud. Because once they’re out, there’s no hiding from them.”
The strongest you’ll ever be, is the day you tell everyone what he did to us. Neve’s voice is soft, but firm.
“You want me to say the words?” I ask Neve.
I want you to heal, and this is the first step to healing.
“Who’s with you?” Amelia asks.
For a moment, I forget they can’t hear Neve. I can tell them if you want.
“No,” I say. “I have to do it, or I’ll never be able to move on.”
“Who are you talking to?” Amelia asks again.
Tell them.
“Neve. I’m talking with Neve. She’s here with me.” I look past Amelia, focusing on a small dust bunny in the corner of the room. “She’s encouraging me.”
“Encouraging you to do what?” Dylan stands, and walks over to me.
I lift my gaze, and stare at him. The weight of the world is on my shoulders. My chest feels like it’s caving in. “I…” I suck in a deep breath. “I um.” I let out an audible loud sigh. “Whoa.” I click my tongue, struggling to say what I have to say.
We’re all here for you.
“We’re here for you, Molly,” Amelia says.
I let out a humorless chuckle while shaking my head. Neve, Amelia, Mom, Dad, Dylan, Kate, and AJ, they are all here for me. In a weird way, I know Tina is, too. I just need to find the courage and say the words.
“I…ah. I was, um.” A giant knot tightens in my stomach, my gut twists with apprehension.
It’s okay to say the words that have been haunting all of us.
“You’re so strong, I don’t know how you survived,” I reply to Neve.
We had to survive to keep you safe. You survived because you had to.
I lower my gaze again, tears filling my eyes. “Neve just said, they survived for me, to keep me safe, and I survived because I had to.” A few tears leak out of my eyes, and I quickly wipe them away.
Don’t wipe our tears. Let them fall. Let them show the world how strong we are.
Neve’s right. We are strong. Together, and separately. I turn so I’m facing my parents, Dylan, and Amelia. “He’s a pedophile, and he sexually assaulted me.” My body is hyperaware of every sound, every movement in the room. My arms cover in goosebumps as a bolt of ice runs the length of my spine. “He assaulted us,” I correct.
Mom is the first on her feet, pushing past Dylan as she wraps her arms around me. She extends her arms, including Dylan then Dad. I can hear her sobbing.
Dad’s breathless whimpers break my heart. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you,” he says through his own sobbing. “I’m sorry, Molly. I’m so sorry.”
The air in the room is overpowered by strain, though suddenly, I feel free. “It makes sense now,” I say while I look into the corner of the room.
“What does?” Amelia asks.
“The bunny.” I turn to Mom and take a breath. “Remember how I asked you about the rabbit?” Mom nods. “That bunny was a warning, wasn’t it?” I ask Neve.
It used to be something I found comfort in, then it became something I hated, because I knew what was about to happen.
“It was a warning.” Stepping back, I stare at the people I love. “I have to do s
omething. I can’t let him get away with what he did.” I get an overwhelming feeling of strength.
“What do you want to do?” Amelia asks.
We all sit down again, Zhen by my feet. “It’s funny, because I didn’t want to admit what he did. I was dreading saying the words, but once they left my lips, I feel different. Stronger than I ever have. Powerful even.”
“Be prepared. There will be a part of you that will regret it. Even want to hide from it,” Amelia says.
No, not us. We’ll face this, head on.
Neve may be the youngest out of all of us, but I think she’s the toughest. “Thank you, Neve,” I mumble.
We need for him to be held accountable. Kate’s now the loudest.
He needs to pay. AJ echoes.
I walk over to my parents, and wedge my way between them. “I’m sorry for what has to be done. I don’t want to drag you through this, not with everything else that’s happened with Tina.”
“What are you talking about?” Mom asks, perplexed.
“I think I want to go to the police.”
Mom’s reaction isn’t what I was expecting. She smiles, and nods. “Make that cunt pay,” Mom says in a tone so dark, and serious that it actually frightens me. I’ve never heard her say the C word in all my life. “Both of them have to answer for their crimes.”
Yes, they do.
We’re waiting outside the office of Eveline Bradford, the district attorney who is prosecuting Preston. Mom nervously wrings her hands together. Dad’s sitting beside Mom, with his hand on her thigh. Dylan and I are holding hands in the quaint, small waiting room.
We’ve all been fairly quiet the whole morning.
We knew today would be hard, but we had no idea how traumatic it actually is.
“Mr. and Mrs. Dawson?” a young man asks as he steps forward.
We all stand, and follow him. “Eveline will be with you in a moment. Please, take a seat.” He shows us into a glass-enclosed conference room. There’s a long wooden table in the center, with twelve high-backed chairs around it. There’s an opened laptop facing away from us, and a pitcher of water with glasses stacked in front of it. The room is cool, cold enough to cause my arms to cover in goosebumps. I shiver as I sit.
“Are you cold?” Dylan asks.
“I’ll be fine,” I say. He takes his jacket off, and slings it over my shoulders, covering my thin cardigan. “You’ll get cold.” I shrug the jacket off.
“No, I won’t. I’ll be fine. Have it.” He places it over my shoulders again.
“Thank you,” I say.
Within seconds an older woman walks in and introduces herself. “Eveline Bradford,” she says as she extends her hand to Mom first. She’s got silvery blonde hair, pulled back in a severe chignon. She’s wearing thick, black-rimmed glasses, and a black pant suit with a white shirt. She has the hard look of an uncompromising victor who’ll do whatever it takes to annihilate those who dare stand before her.
She is the most no-nonsense person I’ve ever met. She even intimidates me.
The introductions among us are pertinent and to the point.
Eveline doesn’t waste time. “Preston’s changed his plea from guilty to not guilty.”
“What?” we all yell in unison.
“He’s pleading not guilty due to reason of insanity.” Eveline looks down at her laptop, and types something quickly.
“Insanity? He’s a monster. A controlling asshole who manipulated my sister!”
“I know. Which is why now, we go to a preliminary hearing.”
“What’s that?” I ask.
“We go to court, and have to provide sufficient evidence that he is, in fact, guilty. It’s like a mini-trial. It’s up to me to show that we have substantial proof that he’s guilty, and not insane—like he’s claiming.”
“How do you do that?” Dad asks.
“With evidence. And with testimony. Testimony from all of you.”
“My cousin is a private investigator, and she found evidence that he’s done this before,” Dylan offers.
Eveline lifts her chin to look at Dylan. She types something on her computer again, then sits back in the chair. The young guy who showed us in, comes back into the room. “Speak to Dylan, get his cousin’s name and phone number. Put her on retainer for this case. Get whatever information she has. Tell her we’ll need her for more,” Eveline spouts quickly to the young guy.
“Can you come with me please?” he asks Dylan.
This is all happening so fast. Eveline is undeniably a powerful woman who knows how to get things done. “How do you do it?” I ask, not realizing I’ve actually spoken aloud.
“Do what?” she asks without hesitation.
“How can you see cases like this, and remain detached?”
Eveline slides her glasses down her nose with her finger, and looks over them at me. “Because I have to make sure I have a good case, or these bastards walk free,” she responds in a deadpan, even voice. “And in this particular case, I’ve come up against his parents before. His mother is a pit bull, she’ll do everything she can to prove her son didn’t intentionally harm Tina.”
I look to my parents. Both are staring at Eveline. I know what’s going through their minds, because it’s going through mine. What if he gets away with it again?
I’ll kill him. I’ll kill them both. Kate’s voice is as deadly as Eveline’s.
“You can’t. We have to let the system do its job,” I say to Kate.
“Pardon?” Eveline asks.
Mom places her hand on my thigh, and I quickly realize I’m replying out loud instead of in my head. “I’m sorry,” I say instantly.
Crap, Eveline’s staring at me. She narrows her eyes, and clicks her tongue. “Who were you talking to?”
“Um, no…nothing.” I wave my hand at her.
Tell her.
“No! Shh.”
Eveline sits back in her seat, and crosses her arms in front of her chest. “Who are you talking to?”
Closing my eyes, I lean my elbow on the arm of the chair. I run my hand over my face, and through my hair. She’s not going to let this go. I have to tell her.
Good, tell her.
“Kate, please,” I whisper under my breath.
“Who’s Kate?” Eveline persists in asking.
I feel sick, like I’m going to vomit. Other than my parents, Amelia, and Dylan, I have not told anyone about my other… personalities. My stomach twists and turns, and my breathing becomes short and rapid. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything,” I try my hardest to avoid answering Eveline. I sneak a look at her, and everything is telling me, she’ll wait all day for me to give her an answer. She lifts her brows at me, waiting. “I…um.” I duck my face, unable to look in her stern eyes. Tapping my head, I take a deep breath before saying, “I have three people who live inside me.”
I wait for her to say something. I refuse to look at anyone.
“Molly has dissociative identity disorder,” Mom says.
“You were sexually abused as a child?” Eveline asks, although her tone is more a statement than a question.
“What? No, why would you say that?” I fling defensively at her.
“Molly,” Dad says as gives me a small pleading look.
She nods her head, and interlocks her hands. “You were sexually abused as a child. Who by?”
I struggle to hold in my tears. I look up, trying to contain them. Tell her.
“Do you know how hard this is?” I say as I finally meet her hardened eyes. “Talking about this isn’t something I was prepared to do today. I thought we were here for Tina.”
“We are here for Tina. But now, we’re here for you too. Tell me who it was. Have they been arrested? When did this happen?” The barrage of questions is overwhelming. I can hear Kate, AJ, and Neve all coming closer to the surface. Soon, they’ll want to talk to Eveline, and I have to take control if I want them to step back.
“It happened when I was in my foster ho
me. He was a foster kid too. Neve dealt with him the most.”
“Neve is who?” She starts typing on the computer, not looking at me but listening.
“Neve is one of my alters. She’s young, and the one who took the abuse.”
Eveline nods her head. “Who else is there?”
“AJ, and Kate. Kate’s always been pretty quiet, but she’s quite vocal today.”
“And AJ?”
Let me tell her. AJ whispers.
“No, I’ll tell her.” I look back to Eveline who’s watching me closely. “AJ is my protector. He’d go to Neve when it was time.”
“And the foster kid, what happened to him?”
I shrug. “He aged out and left. But I want to find him.”
“Right.” She sits back again, staring at me. “Recently there was a case in Australia where the female had been horribly sexually abused for many years by her father. She developed over two thousand personalities because of the magnitude of the trauma. She tried to get help for many years, and she couldn’t. Until, she met a police officer who not only believed her, but started the proceedings to have her father arrested.”
“Why are you telling us this?” Mom asks slowly.
I’m not sure where Eveline is going either.
“Are you seeking any professional help?”
I nod. “I’m seeing a psychotherapist. I’m learning a lot about them, and about me.” I shrug. “I buried them, for many years. They all came to the surface the night the police came to our house and told us what happened to Tina.” The last of the sentence is barely whispered.
“If it’s okay with all of you, I want to speak with the therapist. I mean, all of you.” She pointedly looks to me.
Maybe she can help us. Neve says.
AJ replies, I like her. She’s tough and doesn’t bullshit around.
My answer is yes. Let her talk to Amelia.
“It’s not your decision, it’s mine,” I snap at Neve, AJ, and Kate.
“What’s happening?” Eveline asks.
“They want you to talk to Amelia. But it’s my decision, not theirs.”
“Look,” Eveline starts. “I want to talk to Amelia, who I assume is your therapist, is that right?” I nod. “Let me talk to her. If nothing further happens, then that’s where we’ll leave it.”
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