“He’s literally been caught, and he still won’t admit to it,” Dad says as he shakes his head in disgust. “What an animal.”
“It doesn’t matter, Dad. Because he’s got no idea what’s coming for him. I don’t care what happens to me, we’ll all be standing in court, and giving our testimony. I can’t let him get away with this. The other kids…what’s happened to them?”
“Well…,” David starts.
“How many are there? Have you made contact? Can I help? Can I do anything to help with them?”
David holds his hand up. He walks around to the front of his desk, and leans against it. “We don’t know exactly how many there are. But Eveline’s working on her case against him. I can’t tell you how many there are, because we simply don’t know. But there are a lot. From what we found, easily thirty children, so far.”
That sick feeling is back. Thirty is such a large number. Just one is enormous. “What can I do to help? I have a great network of support, I have my parents, Amelia, Dylan, Neve, Kate, and AJ. I have to be able to do something to help them.”
“You can’t. Not now. But Eveline and I spoke in length about you, and your family, and I know she needs you up on the stand to testify against him.”
“Just tell me when.”
What can we do to help those kids? Kate surprises me.
“I don’t know,” I reply.
Talking to myself has become normal, and now, no one really questions it. Amelia, my parents, and David all talk. I’ve zoned out because I’m thinking about what I can do to try and help not only these kids who’ve been abused by Mack, but others too.
What about Zhen?
“Tommy’s going to bring him down tomorrow,” I say to Kate.
No, not where is he. But what about Zhen?
“I don’t understand, what about Zhen? Is he okay?” A new panic rises.
Kate chuckles. He’s fine. But I mean, can Zhen help? He helped you.
Huh. Zhen. Right. There are studies that show pets can be an important part of therapy for children.
“There’s nothing more for you to do here today. But, I’d like for you to stay close by, so you’re accessible to either Eveline or myself,” David instructs as he pushes off from where he was leaning against his desk.
“Any chance he could accidently hang himself in custody?” Dad asks.
“Dad! No. He has to answer for his crimes. I want him to get the same treatment he showed us.”
Yeah! Neve says.
You girls are vengeful. Wow, glad I’m not on your wrong side.
AJ makes me smile. He’s surprisingly relaxed. I thought he’d be more intense than he is right now. I’m not stressed out, because I have the strongest group of women around me, and I know you’ve got this.
“Yeah, we do,” I say.
Standing, I shake David’s hand, and one by one, we file out of his office.
“You okay?” Dylan asks.
“I need a bubble bath and a glass of wine and to chill the fuck down,” I say as I look to him.
I see Mom do a quick double take. “Well, I wasn’t expecting that from you, Molly. Wait, it is Molly…right?”
I smile. “Yeah, it’s me. But I do need to unwind. And don’t worry. I know wine is for after I turn twenty-one.”
Mom places her arm around my waist, leans in and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “Maybe we can make an exception this one time. Let’s get home, and get some food.”
“Molly,” Amelia calls me. I turn to face her. Amelia takes three fast steps to catch up to us. “I’ll be coming by your house tomorrow to debrief.”
“Okay.”
“You did well today.”
“Thank you.”
There’s still a cloud of uncertainty swirling around. I have so many questions, and I suppose in time they’ll all be answered. But for now, I have to find comfort in knowing Mack Hewitt has been denied bail, and is sitting in a holding cell somewhere. He won’t be hurting anyone else tonight.
Perhaps he’s frightened.
Perhaps he’s being taunted by the other inmates.
Perhaps he’s being subjected to the same atrocities he put me through.
Perhaps he’ll be torn to shreds, abused, and beaten.
I can’t help but feel content to know he’s in the best place for a monster.
A cage.
Dad walks into the kitchen. His face is pale and he’s shaking his head. “What is it, Dad?”
He slides back the chair, and collapses into it. “Thomas?” Mom questions while she sits beside me. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost. What is it?”
“Eveline just called.” He takes his phone out of his pocket, and places it on the dining table.
“What happened?” I ask. Mom and I rally around Dad. Something big has happened. Or it wouldn’t affect him to this point. “Dad,” I urge as I grab his hand.
He stares at me for a moment, shaking his head with his mouth open. “Preston,” he whispers.
“What about that filthy piece of shit?” Mom says, her tone changing to anger.
“He’s dead.”
“What?” I ask.
“What?” Mom echoes.
“He’s dead. He killed himself while he was out on bail. Took a lethal overdose and killed himself. Wrote us a letter.”
“I don’t want to read it,” I say without missing a beat. Standing, I go to the back door, Zhen lifts his head to look at me, then places it on the ground again. “He destroyed our family, tore us apart. He took the life of my sister, I don’t want to hear about how sorry he is, and how much he regrets wrapping his fingers around her throat and choking her until she could no longer breathe.”
“We need to heal,” Mom says softly.
“And he’s taken that away from us too. What a coward. A damn chicken for not accepting responsibility. I want to spit on him, and hurt him, and kill him myself!” I yell, bursting into tears.
“We need to find another way to heal, Molly. Or this will consume us. And then what kind of legacy would we live for Tina? She wouldn’t want us to live a life of hate.”
“We don’t know what Tina would want, because he killed her,” I bite out.
“Would you want Tina to live her life filled with anger, hate, and misery?” Dad asks.
I turn away from them, and stare outside. I hear Zhen stand, and come to nudge me with his wet nose. Zorro’s toenails click on the floor as he enters the kitchen. Zorro always goes to Dad, but this time, he comes to stand on the other side of me, and licks my foot. “I wouldn’t want it to consume her. But I don’t know if I can let this go.”
“We’re not asking you to let it go. We’re asking you to heal,” Mom says. “These circumstances are not ordinary, Molly. None of it. But we lost our daughter, just like you lost your sister, your best friend. Tina wouldn’t want us to be eaten up by hate for the rest of our lives. For whatever reason, Preston took his own life. I know I wanted to look him in the eyes and tell him what a bastard he was for what he did, but I won’t have that opportunity. Now I have to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life hating so much that I can’t live the rest of my life.”
She’s right, M. We have to focus on the future, we can’t forever look at our past. I thought AJ would be the one willing to break through and smash someone, or something. But his voice of reason makes me stop to really think.
“I can’t forgive him,” I say.
“We’re not asking you to,” Dad replies. “That pathetic animal took my daughter’s life. I cannot and will not ever forgive him. I was waiting for him to have his day in court so I could watch as he agonized while Eveline tore him limb from limb. I wanted to see him suffer. In pain. And hopefully beg and plead, just the way I imagine Tina begged for him to stop hurting her. I wanted that so badly, you have no idea. But the universe had other plans for him, plans none of us can understand. I’ll hate him until my very last breath, and I’ll never forgive him either. But I refuse to allow him to take away my
ability to love. Because without you, and your mother, my life is worth nothing. We’re not asking you to forgive, we’re asking you to move forward, no matter how tiny the first step is.” His eyebrows pinch together, and he hangs his head low. Dad’s in soul-altering pain. I know he is, because so am I. We all are.
I chew on my nail as I turn to look out the glass door to the back yard again. I’m thankful Amelia is on her way over, because I need to talk to her about so many things. “I want to hurt him,” I say in a small voice.
“So do I,” Mom replies.
“We all wanted to hurt him,” Dad adds. “I wish he died from my hands, not his own.”
The mood in the room is agonizingly raw. The three of us are all barely hanging on. “I’m devastated he ended his life. He didn’t deserve anything that easy.”
“No, he didn’t,” Dad says. “But it’s done and there’s nothing more we can do about it. Now we need to focus on you, and making that piece of shit Mack answer for his sick crimes.”
The doorbell rings, and Zhen and Zorro both run toward the door.
I head out, knowing it’ll be Amelia. When I answer the door, she steps in, and immediately sees the hurt I’m feeling. “Molly?” she asks cautiously. I nod. “What happened?”
“Preston killed himself.”
She grimaces, and shakes her head. “Are your parents here?”
“Yeah, we are,” Dad says as he and Mom walk into the foyer holding hands.
“Today may benefit everyone, if you’d like to join us,” Amelia offers.
Mom and Dad are already walking in, before Amelia really has the chance to finish her sentence. We all sit in our regular seats, Amelia takes her water bottle out of her bag, takes a sip, then places it beside her on the floor.
Zhen and Zorro both walk in. Zhen lies at my feet, and Zorro goes to Dad.
“Will Dylan be joining us?” Amelia asks.
“No, he’s got work he needs to catch up on. He’ll be here later tonight, maybe. If he gets his work finished.”
“So…,” Amelia starts. “Molly, how do you feel?”
“I can’t forgive him.”
“No one is asking you to. Forgiveness isn’t something that’s easily given. But you have to be comfortable with whatever decision you make in reference to how you feel about him.”
“I’m comfortable knowing I hate him. And I’m comfortable knowing I hope he suffered and hurt for at least a moment before he died. And I’m comfortable hoping that moment felt like an eternity before he took his last breath.”
“Those words are strong. And maybe over time, and with some techniques I’ll show you, you can find some peace.”
I want to tell her that I’m already at peace, but reality is, I’m not. I’ve been in a world of chaos for what feels like forever. My life will never be like as easy as it was the night Tina and I had dinner with our parents for our eighteenth birthday. That night seems like decades ago, when in fact, only months have passed.
I sit silently, and listen to my parents telling Amelia how they feel. I’m lost in my thoughts, not adding to the conversation. I can feel AJ surfacing, worried for me. He’s near, circling, waiting for me to stumble so he can step in and protect.
“Molly, are you okay?” Amelia asks. I nod, and offer her a weak smile. “No, you’re not. What’s happening?”
“I can feel that AJ’s antsy. He wants to come through.”
I purse my lips together, and flick my gaze to the side. It takes me a few moments to say what I’ve been feeling for a while. “I want to be able to live with AJ, Kate, and Neve, without them forcing their way out. We need to figure out a way that works for all of us. I don’t want AJ forcing himself out because he needs to protect me. I don’t want Neve coming through when Dylan and I are intimate.” I look over to my parents, and Dad winces. “Kate seems to be a bit more mellow and not as intense as AJ in particular.”
“Perhaps AJ is intense because his life has always been like that. He’s had to protect you, and Neve, and Kate. You all need to find a balance, between not only the four of you, but also with Dylan, and your parents. You all need to work together. After all, you’re all a family.”
“When Dylan comes over, do you want us all to have a discussion?” Mom offers. “Or…?” She shrugs.
“I think I need to sort this out with them first.” I tap my temple. “When we come to an arrangement of who comes forward when, we can have this discussion with you too.”
“I um…” Mom huffs. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Molly. But they’ve spent their lives protecting you. Now it’s our job as your parents to protect all four of you. They’ve done a wonderful job, fighting for you when you were too young to do it for yourself. They guarded, and made sure you were safe when safety wasn’t given to you. Your father and I, we want all of you to know, we understand. You must be so tired, and we’re here for all of you. If Kate, or AJ, or Neve, want to talk to us, we’re here. We’ll listen, and we’ll protect all of you.”
I wipe the tears falling from my eyes.
“You don’t have to be strong anymore. We’ll be your strength for as long you need us,” Dad says.
We’ll always need you.
My hand clutches at my chest. “AJ just said, we’ll always need you.”
Dad smiles triumphantly. “Good, because this is our family.”
I sit back in my chair, somewhat satisfied. “We have to talk,” I say.
“Sorry, what?” Mom asks.
“Not you, sorry. I meant them.” I tap my temple again.
Is everything okay? Kate asks.
“We all need to be together, so we can set some ground rules.”
What kind of ground rules? AJ sounds apprehensive.
“I don’t think now is the best time,” I respond.
“Are you talking with AJ, Neve, and Kate now?” Amelia asks.
“Kate and AJ are here, but Neve isn’t.” I focus on them, trying to listen, and feel for Neve. “Neve?” I call.
I’m here. Comes a tiny voice.
“We need to talk.”
Did I do something wrong?
“No, nothing like that.” I look to Amelia and smile. “Neve asked if she’s done something wrong.”
“If they’re all with you, you need to tell them how you feel,” Amelia suggests.
What’s going on? Don’t you like us anymore?
“No, nothing like that, Neve. You’re all so important to me. But I think we need to all work together now.”
How? Kate asks.
“This is a part of my healing, and I think it needs to be a part of yours too. What we went through with him was nothing short of a nightmare. But now, it’s our time to mend from within. We have to find a way for all of us to be free of him, but to still work together.”
What are you thinking? Neve asks.
“Maybe we can have a schedule. Something like a roster. Maybe certain days you can be free for a few hours, Neve. Other days, AJ and Kate can.”
I want to go to the movies. I feel Kate excitedly jumping up and down. And I want popcorn. Lots and lots of popcorn.
I smile. “Do you want to go to the movies on your own? Or would you prefer someone go with you? My parents? Dylan?”
Oh my God! You’re giving me a choice?
“What’s happening?” Dad asks. “You’re offering us to do something, and we don’t have an issue with that, but we’d like to know what you’re signing us up for.”
“Kate wants to go to the movies and eat lots of popcorn.”
Lots and lots of popcorn.
I chuckle. “Sorry, Kate corrected me, she said lots and lots of popcorn.” I emphasize the second ‘lots.’
“I can take her to the movies,” Mom offers.
I want to watch shoot ’em up, gory movies.
“Well, I wasn’t expecting that from you, Kate. I think that’ll be Dad’s department, not Mom’s.”
“Hey!” Mom grumbles and frowns.
She can take m
e to a chick flick, but yeah, I’ll go with your Dad.
“Kate wants to watch gory, shoot ’em up movies. So I think, Dad, you’re up for that one. But she also said she wants chick flicks, so Mom, that’s you.”
I just want to draw. I like drawing with Dylan. Do you think he’ll draw with me?
“I think he’ll love it. How about I ask him when we see him tonight, or tomorrow? Do you want to do anything else?”
I can hear Neve ‘hmmming.’ If I think of something else, can I tell you?
“Of course, you can. AJ, what about you?”
I like Dylan, and I’d like to hang out with him sometimes. Maybe we can go to the gym.
“I’m glad you like him. I can ask him that too.”
How about if we all agree to not force our way out without M’s permission? AJ questions.
“I’d really appreciate that happening. I’m sure they’ll be times you can’t help it, but if we can all agree to try and give me an opportunity to either say yes or no first, would be helpful to me. It means in time I’ll be able to maintain a kind of normal life.”
Okay. They all agree together.
But don’t think for one moment, we’ll ever stop protecting you. AJ adds.
I take a deep breath and look around the room. “And I’ll never stop protecting you, either.”
My world will never be the same again.
And I’m okay with that.
The last five years have been nothing short of a whirlwind. I’ve become a pillar in the DID community, with people reaching out to me from all over the world. It started at Mack’s trial. For the first time in American history, the judge allowed my alters to give evidence. It was Neve’s strength and words that ultimately saw Mack’s sentence go from life imprisonment with parole, to life imprisonment with no parole.
The media got a whiff of the woman giving evidence who had what they called multiple personalities. I had to step forward and school them, but in fact, that’s Kate’s department. She loves coming out and dealing with all the hype and media, and that works so well for me, because I’m definitely not the type who likes to be the center of attention. Kate thrives on it.
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