Chapter Twenty-Five
Maybe I’m Amazed
We were so confident we would not screw up and hire an Elwood type again; we accepted the premise that another MBA was actually a decent idea. We threw ourselves into the interview process with a healthy dose of optimism. If we were collectively stupid, shouldn’t we all collectively suffer the consequences? So why am I the only one having my hair pull out by duct tape and having my good looks marred by this rough stinking floor?
“Man, are these guys expensive.” I was sitting in Chuck’s trailer office reviewing proposals from security firms.
“Yeah, I know. I just want to hire somebody to do background checks on staff candidates. All these guys will do that, but only if we contract with them for a full suite of security services.”
“Would that be so bad? As much as I like Diddy, I think he keeps an eye on the Sandman more than he does on us.”
Chuck pondered that for a minute. “Maybe, but I think that might be partially an act. You never know with those cheap sunglasses he wears. We have never had a theft here or someone in the plant that wasn’t authorized. Diddy also did a great job of handling things during the explosion. I don’t think I’m ready to get rid of him.”
Was that a ZZ Top reference Chuck made? Probably not.
“So how do we get background checks done?”
“There is one new local firm that called me yesterday and said they had heard we were looking for this type of service. Their president is stopping by in a few minutes to discuss a proposal.”
That was a very timely comment. It wasn’t ten seconds later that I heard the soft tapping of high heels on the linoleum in the hallway. I turned around and my day brightened considerably. Talk about a ZZ Top reference. She’s Got Legs immediately came to mind.
“Your receptionist, I believe her name is Victoria, told me to come on back,” said the very attractive trim brunette in a heart stopping business suit standing in Chuck’s doorway. “My name is Anita Dempsey and I am the president of Barnum Security.”
Chuck and I almost collided as we sprung out of our chairs and rushed to shake her hand. We are so suave. We finally got arranged with Anita in Chuck’s office chair, Chuck sitting in his chair and me sitting on the corner of Chuck’s desk. From my vantage point, I got a stellar view of Anita’s stellar thighs and stellar cleavage as she leaned forward to make her pitch to Chuck. Did I mention that she was rather stellar? “I just opened the company a few months ago. We specialize in forensic services including background checks. We were lucky to be able to hire one of the top notch forensic accountants in the Asheville area, Bill McBridle. So, we can provide background checks and a whole host of other services. Since we are new, I am offering top shelf services at bottom tier prices.”
Her bottom could move me to tears. She went on to detail her other security services and prices for background checks. Given her deep blue eyes and highly toned thighs, I would have signed a contract with her to provide me with kitty litter. And I don’t own a cat. I could tell Chuck was feeling much the same way given the lopsided grin on his face and the perspiration breaking out on his forehead as he tried to maintain eye contact instead of staring at her stellars.
As her awe inspiring backside faded down the hallway from our view, Chuck found his voice. “Well, that seemed like a great deal. I’m glad we signed with her. Now we can get on with the interview process.”
“If you need me to assist her with any undercover work, I am always available!”
Chuck had me conduct the initial interviews in the trailer’s conference room.
“So tell me about a time that you had to resolve a conflict or do something unpopular and how you went about it?”
Interviewee one: “Uh, well, my two dogs got into this fight and…” Buzz. Next.
Interviewee two: “Ok, I think I have a good answer for that. This goes back to the time I attended my advanced class in Tibetan Economic theory. I was put into the class by the Chair of the Economics department based on my award winning thesis on the…” ZZZZZZZ. Next.
Interviewee three: “During my internship, the leadership at the company proposed forcing out the more experienced employees and hiring younger ones as a way to save costs. I made a fact based presentation on the revenue enhancements the long term employees had made over the past five years. The presentation demonstrated that their contribution to the bottom line was more than triple the potential salary and benefits savings gained by replacing them with younger staff. While my internship ended before any final decisions were made, I assume the fact that they did not hire any new staff that year (including me) meant that my presentation made an impact.” Winner – we have a winner.
“Tell me what you would bring to Woodland Enterprises.”
Interviewee one: “I would bring a good pair of steel toed boots, a radio with an emergency weather band, several boxes of my college textbooks, a picture of my girlfriend, a…” Seriously? Next.
Interviewee two: “I would bring modern thinking based on my honors studies in Alternatives to Accounting where I graduated at top of the class. I would institute cutting edge technical solutions that I personally developed in my award winning video documentary, “What if Enron was Right?” and bring Woodland out of the dark ages…” Fuck you. Next.
Interviewee three: “First, I would bring my strong work ethic and dedication to task. I believe this is demonstrated through the fact that I put myself through college while working nights and weekends. I earned my MBA while holding down a full time day job and going to graduate school at night for four years. Second, I would bring my curiosity to find out how Woodland functions and how I can leverage my training and experience to suggest enhancements where they might make sense. Third, I would bring myself. That means I would not try to be something I’m not or try to fool others into believing I know any more than they do. I would learn from those with experience and knowledge.”
I just smiled and stared at interviewee three. I can’t remember the last time I had my ass kissed that tenderly. If I weren’t so damned heterosexual, I might be in love. I had one last question to ask him, “So, how’s your golf game?”
MBA - Moron$ Ba$ and A$$ Page 26