by Alex Dahl
THE HEART KEEPER
Also by Alex Dahl
The Boy at the Door
THE HEART KEEPER
Alex Dahl
www.headofzeus.com
First published in the UK in 2019 by Head of Zeus Ltd
Copyright © Alex Dahl, 2019
The moral right of Alex Dahl to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.
This is a work of fiction. All characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN (HB): 9781786699275
ISBN (XTPB): 9781786699282
ISBN (E): 9781786699268
Design by Craig Fraser
Image © plainpicture
Head of Zeus Ltd
First Floor East
5–8 Hardwick Street
London EC1R 4RG
WWW.HEADOFZEUS.COM
For Oscar and Anastasia
‘Tears come from the heart and not from the brain.’
—– LEONARDO DA VINCI
Contents
Also by Alex Dahl
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
PART I
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
PART II
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Chapter Forty
Chapter Forty-One
Chapter Forty-Two
PART III
Chapter Forty-Three
Chapter Forty-Four
Chapter Forty-Five
Chapter Forty-Six
Chapter Forty-Seven
Chapter Forty-Eight
Chapter Forty-Nine
Chapter Fifty
Chapter Fifty-One
Chapter Fifty-Two
Chapter Fifty-Three
Chapter Fifty-Four
Chapter Fifty-Five
Chapter Fifty-Six
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Chapter Fifty-Eight
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Chapter Sixty
Chapter Sixty-One
Chapter Sixty-Two
Chapter Sixty-Three
Chapter Sixty-Four
Chapter Sixty-Five
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
About the Author
An Invitation from the Publisher
PART I
Chapter One
Alison
I wake all the time, that is if I sleep at all. The alarm clock projects the time onto the wall on Sindre’s side of the bed and I lie staring at the pulsating dots separating the numbers. It’s just after two o’clock in the morning and Sindre isn’t here. He was here when I fell asleep. At least I think he was. I pull my hand out from underneath the warm duvet and stroke the cool, empty space where my husband should be.
A few nights ago, the same thing happened. I woke, suddenly, bursting from a dream I couldn’t remember into this black, silent room. I blinked repeatedly, trying to make out the bulky shape of Sindre in the dark – I didn’t want to reach for him in case he’d think I wanted something; I wouldn’t have been able to bear his warm, careful hands on my skin. It took me several moments to realize he wasn’t there. I got out of bed and sat on the windowsill, looking out at the forest and beyond, to the lights of the city rising up the hillsides to meet the stars. It was a very cold night for early October, and an orange moon hung low over Tryvann. I felt glad Sindre wasn’t there – it was good to not have to pretend to sleep, even if only for a while.
I was about to return to bed when I spotted something moving in between the trees directly opposite the house, off the gravel path. I moved slightly back from the window as Sindre came out of the forest, dressed in a light-blue shirt, half tucked into his trousers, and his expensive leather loafers. His shirt was smeared with a streak of dirt across his chest and he stood a while in the narrow stretch in between the house and the car, as though he couldn’t decide whether to come back inside or drive away. He turned toward where I stood on the first floor, and only then could I clearly see his face, which was twisted into an uncensored, almost unrecognizable grimace. If the man standing outside our house hadn’t been wearing my husband’s clothes, I’m not sure I’d have recognized him.
Has he gone back out there tonight? I get up and stand a while by the window. Tonight is stormy, with gray, dripping clouds and a brisk breeze hustling leaves in the garden. The forest stands solid at the far end of our lawn, mist seeping from it and joining the wind in translucent coils. It might feel good to walk into that forest, listening to the whip of the wind cracking branches, to let the cold night inside me, to breathe its moist air all the way into my stomach. It might lessen the burning, even if only for a moment. I sharpen my eyes and focus on the spot from where Sindre emerged the other night, but without the light of the moon, I can’t separate the shape of a man from that of a tree, even if he were standing right there. He could be directly in front of me, looking at me, and I wouldn’t see him.
I walk over to the door and stand listening before opening it a crack. This house is rarely silent – it’s as though a faint hum reverberates from within its walls, the bass to every other sound our family layers on top of it – but it’s quiet tonight. I stop on the landing, my eyes smarting in the bright light from the overhead spotlights, listening for that comforting murmur, or for the reassuring signs of some of its occupants, but I hear nothing. I glance over at the door to Amalie’s room and am struck by a wild terror at the thought of what lies behind it. The burning flares up in my gut, as though live flames were shooting around the myriad dark corridors inside me. I clutch my stomach and force my eyes away from Amalie’s room. I try to think of something to count, anything, and can only think of the steps. Seventeen. Seventeen steps, I can do it. I can go downstairs and get some water and then I can go back upstairs, past Oliver’s room, past Amalie’s room, just like that; I can do it, I’ve done it before, it’s just a bad night, that’s all, and when I get back upstairs I can take a pill from the bedside table and even if it won’t give me real sleep, it will give me dense, dreamless rest.
In the kitchen, I stand by the sink in th
e dark. I hear it now, that humming sound. My hands are still holding my abdomen, as though only they stop my insides from spilling out. The burning sensation is fading, and now it feels more like corrosion – as if I’d chewed through a battery.
Severe anxiety, says the doctor.
Hey, baby bear, I whisper. I bet you can see me right now even if I can’t see you. If you can hear me, can you give me a sign, any sign, the smallest of signs? A plate flung to the floor, a light suddenly coming on, an animal screeching outside? I’d see you in those shards, in that bright pool of light, I’d hear you in that sound… A sign, baby, my darling angel – please, please speak to me…
A light comes on somewhere – a square splash of it spills in through the window and spreads out on the floor behind me. I hold onto the sink with both of my hands; my heart is pounding so hard I can hardly breathe. I want to open my mouth to speak her name again, but no sound will come. I lean toward the window and then I realize that the light is coming from the garage across the narrow pathway.
*
Sindre is at the worktop, which runs alongside an entire wall of the garage. It’s where he usually stands in winter, patiently prepping our family’s cross-country skis with wax before the weekends – Oliver’s slim racing skis first, then his own, then my beginner ones, and finally Amalie’s short, broad ones with sparkly snow crystals and Queen Elsa’s face stretching toward the tips. I am standing in the space between the house and the garage, bracing myself against the wind, which is much fiercer than I’d thought, and I can just make out those little skis on a hook high up on the wall. Sindre has his back to me, but I can make out most of what is on the worktop in front of him. He moves strangely, at times fast and jerkily, at times slowly and smoothly, and it takes me a while to realize that he is polishing weapons. He detaches the telescope from a long matte hunting rifle, holds it up to the light, then runs a red cloth over the lens. He’s going away in a couple of weeks, moose hunting. I’d forgotten. He goes every year at this time – of course he needs to prepare for that.
A volley of rain surges around the corner of the house and shoots down the pathway, pricking my face and hands painfully and I draw my cardigan around me tighter, but I’m so cold, and perhaps a little cry escapes me, because Sindre suddenly turns around and walks over to the narrow window to peer out. Though I’m not sure why, I press myself against the wall next to the window so he can’t see me. I could just knock lightly on the door and slip into the garage and hug my husband from behind. I could offer him a coffee – I can’t imagine either of us will return to bed tonight. But I don’t. I remain in the passageway, watching him carefully dismantle and reassemble the two rifles, running the cloth in and out of their nooks and crannies. When he has finished he reaches up and lifts a cardboard box down from a shelf above him. It looks like a nondescript brown shoebox. He opens it and removes some newspaper, a length of kitchen towel, and then, an object.
At first, I can’t tell what it is; it isn’t big, and because Sindre’s back is turned toward me, he is partially blocking my view. Then he puts whatever it is down and takes a couple of steps away to his right, presumably to get something else. I can see it clearly now – it is a steel-gray handgun I’ve never seen before. He opens another box, this one much smaller than the one that held the gun, and shakes several bullets out into his hand. He holds one up to the light, turning it over and around before slotting it, and the others, into the gun’s chambers.
I sometimes think about Sindre’s other life, the life he lived before me. Before our family. I imagine him as he would have been then: in his army helmet and fatigues, trekking in the mountains of the Hindu Kush and Badakhshan, circling in on some of the most wanted war criminals and terrorists in the world. He’d take shelter in caves and sheepherders’ huts, drink from impossibly clear mountain streams, inching his way toward a target until he was close enough to take it out clean. I see him squinting into the sight block – a man’s skull framed, the absolute certainty of his finger on the trigger, the precise, muffled shot. I’ve never asked Sindre how many men he’s killed. Neutralized, he calls it. I don’t know if he knows. Would he count something like that? I know I would.
The life Sindre lived before me and our family seems an almost impossible contrast to the life I lived: growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, then traveling the world – first for fun, and later for work, writing features for glossy magazines and newspaper supplements. I’ve interviewed female heads of state from New Zealand to Iceland, I’ve explored the drug cultures of South American women’s prisons and looked into the increasing wine consumption of the American middle class. When Sindre traveled, it would be to Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan – places he’d go to kill.
He picks up the handgun again, weighs it in his hands, turns it over and smiles slightly down at it. It occurs to me that he may be about to use it, that he could bring it quickly to his temple and just fire. Still I don’t go in; still I stand watching. What would my husband require a pistol for? I can understand that he needs to keep the hunting rifles, but I can’t imagine what use he could have for a handgun. Maybe he’s always had it, but just hasn’t mentioned it to me? There are many things I don’t know about Sindre, and that air of mystery which seems innate rather than deliberate is precisely one of the things that drew me to him in the first place.
Sindre places the gun back in the box, and the box back up on the shelf. He stands still for a while at the worktop, head bent. I look at his hands – how soft and innocent they look in the meager light. Perhaps he is thinking the same thing because he raises them up toward the light and watches them, turning them over a couple of times. Then he cups them, holding them a few inches apart: his exact pose the first time he held our baby, slick from the womb – one hand underneath her bottom, one cradling her skull. I turn away from him, letting my eyes rest on the scrambling leaves at my feet. When I look back up again, Sindre is studying the palms of his hands, as though searching for clues as to what they’re capable of. I walk back into the house.
*
I’ve been in bed for less than five minutes when the door softly opens. If my husband touches my face or my hands, he’ll feel the cold clinging to my skin and know that I was outside. But he doesn’t. He lies down on the bed, breathing heavily, as though he is already asleep. He emits a strange smell, like metal and wet earth, and I assume it is the scent of the oil he used to polish the weapons. Suddenly I do want him to touch me – I want to feel his wonderfully soft hands slowly caress my hairline, moving down and around my neck, then across my chest, back to my neck, down my spine… I turn slowly toward him and place my hand in the space between us. It’s wide and daunting. My hand reaches his lower back, and he twitches at my touch. I slip my hand inside his T-shirt and lightly circle his skin, but he doesn’t acknowledge my touch or move toward me. In the end, I retract my hand and hold it close to my chest, as though touching him had hurt it.
*
Mommy, do you ever feel sad for the things that haven’t happened yet, like when I’m big?
Yes. Yes I do.
Why?
Because then you won’t need me anymore and you’ll be independent and sassy and too cool to hang out with your old mom.
That will never happen, Mommy!
Come here and give your mommy a hug, little bear.
Both sides!
Okay, both sides.
Mommy, what would you do if you didn’t have me?
My heart would break.
Hearts can’t break!
Yes, they can.
How do you live with a breaked heart?
I don’t know.
I wake, torn from the dream and delivered, panting, to our cool, familiar bedroom. It’s morning and Sindre’s gone. He’s left a window wide open, though the temperature drops below freezing at night. I sit up in bed, my mind churning, closing my eyes and trying to let go of the dream.
How do you live with a breaked heart?
I get up and pu
t my dressing gown over my pajamas. I can’t remember when I last washed them. The storm has left a glowing blue sky behind and I stand a while on the landing, admiring it. I bring my eyes to Amalie’s room, her door firmly shut. I could open it. I could push the door open just a crack and shout, Time to get up, Mills. Usually, she’d be up already, playing with her Sylvanians on the floor or drawing at her desk. I turn away and go downstairs.
‘Hi,’ says a voice and I jump, dropping the teabag I was holding. It’s Oliver, sitting at the kitchen table, cradling his iPad in his hands, his face serious, his brown eyes surrounded by purple circles, so dark it looks as though he’s been punched in the face.
‘Oh. Oh, hi, Oliver,’ I say, my voice emerging in a scratchy whisper. I flick the switch on the kettle, avoiding my stepson’s gaze. I didn’t realize he was here, though, come to think of it, I can’t seem to keep track of when he was last here and when he is supposed to go to his mother’s.
‘I was supposed to go to mom’s last night,’ he says, as if to explain.
‘Oh.’
‘I decided to stay. With you guys.’
‘Okay, sweetie,’ I say. ‘That’s… that’s great.’ I move clumsily around the kitchen, looking for my sweeteners, my favorite mug, the milk, as though I don’t know where they all belong. He’s worried, poor boy; he doesn’t think that Sindre and I should be here alone, together. My thoughts dart to last night, to Sindre in the garage at two a.m., surrounded by weapons. Perhaps Oliver is right, perhaps we shouldn’t be here alone together. The burning is carving out a bigger and bigger space for itself inside me, and I want to fling the steaming mug to the floor and just scream. If Oliver wasn’t here, I’d take a tranquilizer. Perhaps I’d put a shot of vodka into the tea. Or two. I don’t want him to be here, watching me, trying to comfort me in his awkward way, I want him to go to his mother’s and stay there so I can scream out loud and throw plates to the floor and pass out on the sofa in the middle of the day, lulled and held by alcohol, if only for a while.