BRYCE CLIMBS OFF THE bed and runs to the bathroom, returning with a wet towel that he uses to help me clean up.
He then climbs back on the bed and takes me in his arms, kissing the top of my head and then my temple and my cheek until his lips find mine again and he kisses me softly and deeply, his hand caressing the bottom of my breasts.
I feel relaxed and safe, and a little relieved and disappointed at the same time that we didn’t get to go all the way.
Truth be told, I would’ve let him have me without a condom, if he’d asked. I don’t know why, but I trust Bryce.
It might be stupid but I feel that he would never do anything bad to me on purpose. And what happens next confirms it, if there ever was any need.
“I’m sorry I didn’t bring any condoms. But I can go get some, if you want. I swear I’ll go get tested tomorrow morning first thing. If you’d ever consider going without, that is.”
The slight hesitation in his tone is cute and I smile, reassuring him that I trust him.
“I know we haven’t known each other very long, Bryce but if you say that you’re clean, I believe you. You’ve been nothing but kind and honest with me so far. So if you want to skip condoms, it’s ok.”
He looks a little taken aback, his eyes searching mine before he asks me: “I don’t get it then. If you do trust me, why did you sound unsure just a moment ago? Did I push you too far too quickly? If I did something wrong, I—”
I cup his jaw with my hand, feeling his smooth skin and trying to gather the courage to admit what I thought he already knew.
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I was just nervous, that’s all. I still am a little. I’m worried that it’ll hurt but I know you’ll be gentle.” He nuzzles my neck and chuckles against my skin, making my core clench at the feeling of his warm breath against my skin. “Oh come on, Kaya! I know I’m not small but I’m not a monster.”
He’s cute when he’s all cocky but all of a sudden, I understand why he asked me if I was clean. “Bryce, the reason why I’m worried that it might hurt is because it would be my first time. And I can’t really compare you to anyone else in regards to size because before today, I hadn’t seen a naked man. Well, you know, not in person, anyway.”
He stops moving his face against my neck and when his eyes meet mine I see incredulity but no distrust in their green depths.
“Are you telling me that you’re a—”
Virgin? Yes, I fucking hate that word.
Why does it matter so much? It’s all people seem to be talking about at school: you’re a virgin so you’re a little girl, as if graduating high school without having given away your v-card was some kind of failure. You aren’t a virgin? Well shit, then you must be a slut.
It always comes with a lot of judgement but it only seems to be directed at girls. Because for guys, there’s no way that being a virgin could ever be acceptable.
Regardless, I hate that word and I don’t want to hear it right now.
“How?” His surprised tone bristles me a little and my sarcasm comes out as a self-defense mechanism. I normally use it when Chase says something horrible to me, which is basically every time he opens his mouth.
“How? Like, you know, I haven’t let anyone put their dick inside me.” I try to move away from him, because I know what he’s about to say, I see it in his eyes. But he doesn’t let me move, he closes his strong arms around me, pulling me to his chest. And right on cue, he takes everything back.
“Ok, then. We won’t need the condoms just yet. We don’t have to do it tonight.”
I struggle against his hold, suddenly so mad that I see red.
“See?” I say pushing against his chest with both my hands, frustrated when he doesn’t budge. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to talk about it, Bryce. The second you knew that it was my first time, you’ve lost interest in me. But what if I want to do it with you? I wasn’t saving myself for anyone special or for marriage or anything like that. I respect whatever different choices people make, it’s my own body so it’s my own choice to make. The reason why I haven’t done it yet, is that before we kissed last night, every guy I ever kissed after my mystery guy was a total disappointment. I told you that. So I didn’t see any point in taking things further. With you, it’s different. So I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you but I guess that I wanted to go with the flow, you know? Now I ruined everything and you don’t want me anymore ...”
I hate the way my voice breaks at the end and the way Bryce is looking at me as if I were completely batshit crazy.
“Ok, ok. Let’s take a step back. I didn’t say that I don’t want to fuck you—”
I interrupt him. “You just said that we don’t have to do it tonight.”
He sighs and forces me to look up at him by lifting my face with a gentle but firm finger under my chin.
“Yeah, I mean, shit. Look, can you fucking blame me?”
I feel a tear slide down my face, before I can regain control of my emotions.
He must think that I’m a fucking mess if all I end up doing when we’re together is crying. “So, I guess our deal is off?”
He swipes my tear away with the pad of his thumb and I hate the way I want to lean into his touch.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. Do you want to keep our deal?”
I nod, not trusting myself to speak.
“Ok, then. Look, it’s just that if I’d known that it was your first time, I would’ve gone a little slower, you know?”
“But why?”
He sighs, exasperated. “Because, Kaya, I was ready to fuck you against your bedroom door the minute I kissed you. You drive me fucking crazy with want. You think you’re the only one who felt something between us when we kissed? I felt it too, ok? But if it’s your first time, I want to do it right. I want to make it good for you.”
I let him kiss my forehead, my eyelids, my cheekbones and when our eyes meet, I know without a drop of doubt that this is dangerous.
That the way Bryce treats me might make me develop feelings that he might not necessarily share. He did warn me that he got his heart broken and he didn’t know if he was ready for anything more than a fun fling, so I have to be careful, make sure not to fall head over heels for him and end up with my heart even more battered than the way it has been because of Chase and Reid.
“So, no fucking against the door, then?” I say it smiling, trying to lighten the mood and his devil may care smirk makes me blush even harder.
“Not tonight but we’ll totally fuck against any door you want. Let me get tested, ok? I know you trust me but let’s begin with that, so next time, I won’t be cock blocking myself by forgetting to bring condoms. Then, we’ll see what you’ve done and what you haven’t and while we wait for my test results, we can check a few boxes, so to speak.”
I shrug. “Well that’s pretty easy. Before tonight, kissing is all I’d ever done.”
Again, incredulity is the prevalent emotion.
“Seriously? Come on, not even second base?”
I shake my head. “As I said, I saw no point if I didn’t even like kissing anyone.”
Bryce becomes suddenly serious. “Ok so, you must’ve been experimenting a little by yourself, right?”
I feel heat rush to my face, this is fucking embarrassing. But I almost let this guy fuck me just a moment ago, so I guess we’re past being shy. “Not really. I mean, look, at school there isn’t a lot of privacy. We had our own rooms but— I don’t know you can hear everything, the walls aren’t just thin, they’re nonexistent. So, Nic gave me this ‘quiet vibrator’ for my birthday last year, but I was too scared that someone would hear it anyway. We aren’t allowed our phones and the internet is closely monitored, so there was no way to watch anything for inspiration.”
Bryce chuckles. “No porn? Dude, that’s rough.”
I nod. “Yeah, so you know, one way or the other, I never really felt it was the right time. Summers here are always busy and in the old house we ren
ted while this place was being built, my bedroom was right next to the master ...”
“Yikes,” He chuckles but then a realization seems to dawn on him. “So before tonight, you’d never had ...”
“An orgasm? No. Tonight was my first ever.”
Bryce pulls me closer, our noses are touching and I see this light in his eyes that makes them impossibly bright. “Do you have any idea how hot that is? Fuck, I gave you your first orgasm, I fucking love that. I want to do it again. Can I?”
His eager expression makes me giggle. “I’d be crazy to say no.”
Bryce slides us down on the pillow and takes my panties off. “Let’s start by using my fingers, then.”
When he runs a gentle finger tracing the soft skin of my center, I part my legs a little, already starting to feel wet and throbbing with need.
“Can I touch you too?”
He nods. “Where the fuck have you been my whole life? You’re like, the perfect girl. We have all night to find out how we like to be touched, sweet stuff.”
12.
State Fair
Kaya
I OPEN MY EYES AND the first thing I see is Bryce’s strong arms wrapped around my waist. I don’t think I’ve ever slept so well in my life and I smile thinking that we were up really late last night, kissing and exploring each other.
I know that what I’m doing is dangerous, not because I don’t trust Bryce, he took care of me and he’s adamant that he doesn’t mind going a little slower, since I’m a lot more inexperienced than he thought.
The danger is in the fact that he’s so sexy but he’s also sweet and considerate at the same time and since he repeated that he isn’t sure that he’s completely over his ex, if I let myself fall in love with him, I might end up with my heart shattered into pieces when the summer is over and we’ll have to leave the magic bubble that is Star Cove.
I won’t know if our relationship will survive real life and college. And to be honest, I don’t even know if what we have can even be called a relationship, since he keeps referring to it as ‘our deal’.
And I know how easy it is for me to get my heart broken, since I experience brand new heartbreak every day, every time I lay eyes on Chase and Reid. I definitely haven’t gotten over my feelings for them, even if after kissing Bryce, I feel at least less sad about the fact that I’ll never know the identity of my mystery guy.
God, I’m so fucked up. I think, hiding my face in the crook of Bryce’s neck. How can I still have super strong feelings for Chase and Reid and start having feelings for Bryce at the same time? And let’s not forget Parker.
Yeah, I’m that fucked up, because yesterday on the beach, when he was standing so close behind me, with his hands on my hips, I ...
I groan. No, no, no. I need to be rational about this.
Like Nic always says, I shouldn’t mix feelings with plain and simple attraction. And that’s what happened yesterday with Parker and that’s what’s between me and Bryce.
Right? It must be. I don’t believe in insta-love. I hate when I read about it in romance novels. Instant attraction?
That’s different, that’s easy. And to keep things easy and not complicate the situation like I always do, maybe I should keep my distance with Bryce. I mean emotional distance, physically I want to get a lot closer but maybe I shouldn’t have let him fall asleep in my bed. No matter how much I loved ... no, not loved, liked sleeping in his arms, I shouldn’t let it happen anymore.
For my own sake, I should send him back to his room when we’re done playing. Yeah, that’s definitely a better way to handle things, like this, if he were to get bored with me, it would be easier to distance myself from him and stay friends. Because I really like Bryce and I know I want him as a friend.
With my mind made up, I shake him gently, trying to wake him and send him back to his room. Which is necessary anyway, before the whole house wakes up and the risk of getting caught increases tenfold.
“Bryce ...”
“Hmmm ...” He groans tightening his hold on me, but I have to be firm and wake him up and send him packing.
“Bryce ...”
“Five more minutes, please.” He says burrowing his face in my hair and rubbing his morning wood against me.
Oh fuck, this is gonna be harder than I thought, pun totally intended. My body responds to his excitement with a needy, throbbing ache between my thighs and my resolve starts faltering.
Maybe we could—
“Kaya?” A knock on the door.
“Oh fuck,” I hiss, shaking Bryce so hard that he has no choice but to open his eyes. “My mom is right outside, you have to go!”
I push him out of bed, frustrated by how slowly he’s moving as Mom attempts to open the door and shakes the handle when she finds it locked.
“Kaya, are you ok, baby?”
I look around in total panic mode: the only places where Bryce can hide are the balcony outside or the en suite bathroom. I opt for the bathroom, thinking that outside isn’t safe in case Dustin or one of the twins are having their coffees outside or swimming in the pool.
“Mom, one second, I was about to get in the shower!” I push him inside and beg him not to make any noise.
“You’re overreacting. We weren’t doing anything wrong and you’re an adult ...”
Yeah, true on both counts but it’s not like Bryce and I are officially a couple or anything. I don’t think Mom would freak out if that were the case, but hooking up with a guy I’ve known for a whole four days? Yeah, I’m not taking my chances. I know I’m eighteen but I really don’t think that Mom and Dustin would be happy if they knew.
I throw on the first thing I find and open the door to my mom.
“Hey baby girl, good morning.” She hugs me tight and then twitches her nose, tilting her head to the side. “Did you change perfume or body wash? You smell different. Like coconut, but with a hint of spice. It’s delicious but I’m not sure it’s a very girly fragrance. Did you buy one of those unisex body sprays?”
I try to look as relaxed as possible and make a non-committal noise but I’m kinda freaking out; in my hurry to get dressed, I put on Bryce’s t-shirt. I hope she doesn’t recognize it or I’m totally busted.
I try to distract her by opening the sliding door to my wardrobe and walking in with Mom in tow.
I begin to look through my clothes and select a little summer dress, thinking that Bryce will love that it’s short and sort of floaty, with plenty of room for him to sneak his hands under.
“Do you want me to do your hair before you change?” Mom offers, walking toward the bathroom and making me jump ahead of her.
“No, no. The dress is for later, after I’ve showered. I’m going for a run first.”
And that’s why I don’t lie, because I fucking suck at it.
“You? For a run? Has my daughter been abducted by aliens and are you her replacement? You hate running.”
I feel myself blush and my palms get sweaty but I try to sound as normal as possible when I tell her that Bryce and Parker go for a run every morning and they invited me to join.
“Oh, ok. I see. Aren’t those two boys adorable? Dustin says that he’s known them since they were about five-years old. I’m glad that they’re being friendly to you.”
Yeah, very friendly. Especially Bryce, I think trying to train my expression into a neutral smile.
“With the twins working and Nic getting a summer job at Joe’s shack, I was worried that you’d feel lonely this summer.”
That kind of rubs me the wrong way, because I wanted to get a summer job too but Mom and Dustin told me that I should have fun instead, since this would be my last totally free summer before college. And I know that Dustin would’ve totally given me a job at Hudson Marina but he was reluctant, since the twins would be there.
I don’t get why he gets so weird whenever I’m around Chase and Reid, I’ve seen him watching us closely every time we’re all in the same room.
I mean, I know that
Mom felt that I was being a nuisance three years ago for the few weeks that my stepbrothers and I were inseparable, and she was right when she told me that they were older boys and didn’t have time for me.
I didn’t want to believe her at first but the way Chase and Reid turned on me as soon as our parents got engaged, proved that Mom was right. They were just being nice but they really didn’t have time for me.
“I’m ok, Mom. Parker and Bryce have promised to teach me how to surf and I have my books and—”
“Marc ...” She says with a suggestive little smirk and I know that she might not like what I’m gonna say but I guess that it’s best to rip off this Band-aid completely right off the bat.
I saw the way her and Jackie were looking at us yesterday at lunch, as if they were already planning our wedding, so it’s better if I set things straight.
“Mom, actually I don’t plan to spend a lot of time with Marc.”
She looks seriously surprised. “Why not, sweetie? There’s nothing wrong with having a boyfriend and being in love. I was your age when I met your dad—”
“Mom, Marc isn’t my boyfriend.”
“What?”
I nod. “Look, he asked but I said no.”
Mom looks increasingly confused and I explain that I don’t want a long distance relationship.
I leave out the part where he kissed me and I hated every second of it because Mom and I have never talked about our love lives in detail like that. Well, not that I’ve ever really had a love life before this summer but she doesn’t know about mystery guy and I kept my mouth shut about my crush on Chase and Reid.
She never really said anything when we were friends aside from asking me not to be a pest but I somehow didn’t think that she’d be happy to hear that I was hopelessly in love with my two future stepbrothers.
So when I explain vaguely that I’m not into Marc, Mom’s reaction doesn’t surprise me at all.
“Kaya, what’s going on? Only yesterday Jackie was telling me how she invited Marc’s grandparents to their annual BBQ, so that they could meet his beautiful girlfriend. She said that Marc was probably going to ask his grandma for her engagement ring—” I interrupt her, maybe a little more forcefully than how it would be appropriate, but I’m in complete shock.
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