by T M Caruana
Anxiety about the evening ahead rolled around like marbles in my blood, crashing against each other as I had my soothing bath. On the way back to my room I came crossed an elderly woman in the hallway carrying a basket of accessories. The woman followed me into the room after a short curtsy and without uttering a sound. Outraged by her uninvited entry, my eyes followed her as she strolled towards the desk to put down the basket. With her chest held high, her back straight and her chin in the air, she went to the bed and lifted up my dress. Her figure wasn’t like the other women I had seen in the morning. She looked like an actress from the fifties with short wavy black hair. She wasn’t skinny or scantily clad, but yet eye-catchingly beautiful. Her skin looked soft and her expression virtuous.
Her steady fingers pulled down the zipper of my dress and she began to roll it up into a ring and signalled to pull it over my head. Who was this woman? It looked as if she had done the same procedure thousands of times. Tarus must have sent the woman to help me prepare for the ball to appear as if I would be expected to.
Without wasting time, she almost ran up to me and pulled the dress over my head and followed the fabric to the floor with her hands, to keep it in place along my entire body. She grasped the zipper on the side and stood still for a moment.
“Exhale,” she ordered, seeming surprised that I hadn’t already followed the protocol.
The zipper was pulled up, drawing the dress in tightly and I was grateful for my exhalation. The woman returned to the basket on the desk and located a hairbrush, gathered some hair rollers and a selection of makeup. The silence seemed artificial. Should I have said something or was this another one of the many power games that went on in this world where I had to prove myself to be all powerful? I figured that the woman was probably some kind of servant. I still wanted just to be myself. I wanted to bubble out of joy and curiosity and was afraid that this might come across as pushy as usual.
“Thank you, for your help,” I acknowledged and it made the servant stop a moment before she gently continued her chores without meeting my eyes.
The silence continued. The woman again strolled over to the basket and collected a band of crystals, a white rose and a hand mirror. She wrapped the top of my head in the crystal band and slipped the rose into a strip of my fringe that was pulled free from the rest of my long curls that had been pulled over my shoulder to one side. She then held up the mirror for my approval. She had done miracles with my lifeless hair. I looked like a dream. I had been transformed into a princess.
“You are so beautiful,” whispered the woman, bravely, speaking above her station.
I smiled at her to confirm that I appreciated her compliment. The woman looked away and went to tuck her belongings in the basket, grabbed it quickly and ran off towards the door. Her hand stayed on the door handle.
“He really loves you,” she said, keeping her eyes lowered and without turning around, and then hurried without waiting to see if she was in trouble over her statement.
I realised too late that I had lost a great chance to ask the woman questions that no one else wanted to answer. How could she know about Tarus’s love for me? And how much truth lay in her words? Had she witnessed our love or was our passion clearly transparent to everyone who saw us? Whatever it was, I felt goosebumps pricking my arms and down my back. Receiving reciprocated love, from a man who aroused so much fear in others that it gave him everything he pointed at, has to be a unique feeling. It made me feel special, more special than my fate on Earth. That I could be a super power who held everything together and created life didn’t even seem credible. Why should I have been chosen for this role?
Two knocks on the door echoed in the room as four and made me jump to my feet, breaking into my thoughts. The nervousness with regards to what I could expect from this evening warmed my cheeks to a blush. He would be handsome, tall, here to pick me up like a gentleman to go to the ball, armed with his mysterious smile. I waited an extra second on purpose to build excitement, probably more effective for me than for him. An unavoidable smile curled my lips as I twisted the handle to open the door.
“Nicholas?”
My astonished greeting was tinged with disappointment before I consciously raised some enthusiasm at the end of his name.
“Your Highness,” he hailed and performed an exaggerated bow.
He held out a red rose in a romantic gesture and came a few steps closer, twirled my body and finished by bending me backward over his arm. “You are exceptionally beautiful tonight.”
His compliment insinuated that he saw me every night and only marvelled at my beauty this particular evening. I straightened up my body again and came closer to him than earlier. It was then, face to face, that my memories started rolling in my head. Images of his face close to mine; we were outdoors under the stars and we were alone. We were…kissing? The images didn’t last long and I threw myself backwards, away from Nicholas, to distance myself. Another relationship with a man I didn’t remember. Why had we been kissing? Wasn’t Tarus the only one my heart had always loved? Who was this man? If only I could remember. If only the pictures had lasted a little longer. Should I tell him? Could I ask questions? No, it didn’t matter. Whatever had happened in the past wouldn’t alter the desire I had now of wanting to be with Tarus. Or was this an additional reason for me to be careful until I knew more about myself? Knowing my impatience. I had to rescue this situation after having thrown myself backwards and possibly insulted Nicholas.
“I have been ordered to escort you down to the ball to meet the ruler, if you would allow me?” he offered, ignoring my anomalous behaviour.
Surely it had been intentional, he must have seen my shining gaze trapped in my thoughts. Maybe it was part of his plan. Maybe he knew me so well that he could wait for me to remember him without having to confront the past in a discussion. I responded by placing my hand through his arm and followed him out into the corridor. I drew a deep breath and then relaxed. The walk to the ballroom felt infinitely long. Probably longer than I had realised as I was being entertained with conversations that brought laughter and admiration. Nicholas was well informed of the details of the fort’s every corner and had a great sense of humour. Was he even charming? Would I say almost temptingly charming? I could feel my hunched shoulders levelling out into a relaxed position just by being around him. I felt so confident that I could even look around and discovered a strange coincidence in all the portraits we passed.
“All the portraits are of men?” I murmured.
My statement was more to myself than a question to Nicholas. Yet, he was eager to show off though and wasn’t far behind with the explanation. He didn’t even seem curious as to what degree I had forgotten about…everything. He was intelligent and he hadn’t forgotten my memory loss, but he just seemed to accept the situation as it was.
“They are portraits of the rightful rulers who reigned on Bomi. A legend explains ‘The worser spirit a woman coloured ill to win me soon to hell, my female evil’,” he read from memory after he had halted and taken my hand in both of his.
He tilted his head to one side and looked at me with his most serious and sad eyes and I felt that he was imitating the way I always looked when I explained something. We both laughed softly. As he smiled, he showed his white teeth and again I couldn’t escape the thought of how charming he was. It was also surprising how well he seemed to know me. He had imitated me perfectly in both posture and pronunciation.
“The simplest explanation for your quote is that if a ruler from the bloodline were to have a female descendant, it would have fatal consequences for the worlds. The woman, submissive by sin, will break the life cycle that sustains the worlds’ balance and makes you choose Hell.”
He let go of my hand and placed his own hands at his waist as he viewed the portraits.
“What do you mean I would choose Hell? It doesn’t sound like me to give up,” I asked after a moment of reflection on how the quotes could be interpreted.
I
hadn’t come up with any reasonable explanation, prompting a sense of confusion to instil fear in me. I didn’t want to believe that the only thing that I was proud of was false. My stubbornness was something I had never lost in life, with or without my memory.
“You, give up? No, I have never heard of it. You are the most stubborn person I know. If you are wrong, you will change everything around you until you’re right or you have changed your mind, but you are never wrong nor have you ever given up,” Nicholas laughed chidingly at my acknowledgement of how I perceived myself and I felt a little insulted.
“I thought the word ‘endurance’ was more…”
“You see, my theory is proven. You’re never wrong and I would never challenge you, so we will call it ‘endurance’,” Nicholas giggled, but stopped immediately when he realised that I was offended.
I realised in turn how my behaviour had come across and smiled at him to prove that no feelings were hurt.
“Jokes aside, I don’t know what you mean by that legend. You have always been cryptic when it comes to speaking about the future. Perhaps you think that it can lead people to make a choice that isn’t really their own,” he explained and shoved me forward to continue walking to the ballroom.
I guessed he wouldn’t want to take too long as Tarus would start wondering where I was.
“No one can know what will be the gender of a child. You think it’s a coincidence that all these descendants are only men?” I questioned, as I still didn’t feel satisfied with his explanations.
“No, it isn’t by chance.”
His direct look at me said it all.
“Let us hope that Tarus doesn’t have any descendants before you regain your memory,” he whispered.
I assumed that this referred to the scantily clad women that always were around him.
“Tarus had no choice. He hasn’t been able to meet someone to start a family with as long as I have had my memory loss,” I stated quietly to myself.
Tarus had no feelings for me. He didn’t have to wait to help me get my life back for my sake, but for his world. It was the world he wanted to protect when he told me that we couldn’t be romantic with each other. That’s what Hunter had meant when he said he had more than one reason to keep me alive. Hunter had warned me to stay away from him, as had Noah before we came here. No! Why did I think this way? Why was I so unsure? So pathetic. He had declared his love for me earlier this morning. But if there were more motives in the background that I wasn’t aware of, what should I believe?
I searched Nicholas’s eyes for answers, but only found a hint of what I assumed was disgust at my affection for Tarus, or was it even jealousy? Trying to put me off him by harping on about those scantily clad women around Tarus hadn’t worked, which must have irritated him. I had that impression due to the abrupt way he had changed the subject and his sour face as he strode forward. It probably wasn’t it in my best interests to be too transparent about my feelings towards Tarus, but I didn’t want to leave the discussion there. It would create an uncomfortable atmosphere during the ball and so I wondered what could be his Achilles’ heel for a witty encouragement.
“So where do you fit into the picture? Personal adviser to the ruler? You must be very intelligent,” I said.
It seemed to work as je spun on his heels with a broad hopeful smile on his lips. In the next moment, like switching on a lamp, he reverted to his charming self and started telling amusing tales of his childhood. Bingo! I had hit the right topic. He had been somewhat of a prankster when young, even though he still looked young to my untrained eye. I began to relax again, allowing myself to laugh and for a brief moment I even forgot the dilemma of my relationship to Tarus.
When we entered the ballroom the dancing had already commenced and my arms were hastily jerked out of Nicholas’s hold as I was urged to join in the festivities. The laughter was loud and I could enjoy myself freely amongst people without feeling singled out, until I reached the end of the hall and danced past the throne where Tarus sat next to his advisors and one of the women I recognised from that morning. Tarus was leaning nonchalantly back on his throne until he saw me with Nicholas, when he jumped up and stood glaring at us. Did he appear surprised? Or angry? Probably both, I would guess. Maybe Nicholas wasn’t the servant he meant to send to escort me. Instinctively, I slammed my hand over my chest, as if someone had poked hard at my heart with long and bony fingers. I rubbed over the area in a stroking motion to ease the pain. The feeling…it must be…I was sure of it…I felt Tarus’s jealousy. Jealousy wasn’t the only feeling I could discern; there was also a concern for my safety. I felt his despair – he wanted to openly and legitimately be with me, and having to control this made him angry. As we danced, approaching him, the last sensation was becoming more predominant and it struck me as an infinite and complete love for me. All the emotions were deep rooted. He must have had them for centuries; none of them seemed. My strength indeed was starting to return. However I was still confused over my memories of Nicholas, as I still couldn’t sense his feelings towards me.
The music had stopped and people had ceased dancing as Tarus stood up. In his despair he had forgotten his power over the people and their loyal submissiveness. Their loyalty was based on respect for his superior powers and not due to a sense of devotion. He bowed towards me to greet my arrival, which probably didn’t help when his past reputation tended to show unwillingness to serve others. Nomnat’s eyes were puzzled and filled with disappointment as he shook his big dark head. The gesture from Tarus’s hand was short and informed all to proceed with the ball activity before he slowly sat back down in the same nonchalant pose as before. Tarus’s agony burned more significantly than before inside my chest from his helplessness and I needed to get air, fresh air.
Politely, I performed my curtsying, apologised for my withdrawal and wandered towards the semi-circular balcony on the east side of the room behind a long green curtain. The balcony was wrapped in roses and there was a stone railing that reached up to my waist. The starry heavens shone with thousands of white diamonds in the night. The evening was pleasantly warm and windless. An occasional bolt of lightning lit up the sky as I looked up. I could hear footsteps from behind me coming closer with repeated clicks of the heel. I recognised the sound and was hoping that he would turn back and leave me alone.
“The night is upset, but don’t worry, I will protect you.”
Without any reference to anything, I couldn’t understand what his words were referring to. Had he been referring to the lightning or had he tried to make me feel vulnerable like a damsel in distress? Zonar had explained that lightning occurred because of my electromagnetic force and thus I wasn’t afraid of it. He probably wasn’t aware that I knew of this already. He came closer until he was able to put his arm behind my back to push my body next to his.
“You might not remember, but I was your lover before you disappeared.”
His breath warmed over my mouth. Eye to eye under the open sky I recognised my earlier memory. It wasn’t a memory. It had been a vision into the future. The kiss had never happened, not yet. In the next second, as I stood in deliberation, I felt Nicholas’s lips meet mine with a warm damp push at the same time as I felt his hand behind the back of my head for support. His tongue was trying to find its way into my mouth until it was interrupted and his hand removed from the back of my head.
Suddenly his body collapsed before my eyes and his head gave a cracking sound when it hit the stone floor, revealing Tarus behind him. Blood oozed from the hole created by the steel sword that had been brutally forced into the lifeless body, penetrating his heart and emerging at the front of his chest. Tarus stood stiffly, no doubt reflecting on an impulsive action, an unnecessary impulsive action triggered by angry jealousy. Wisdom came as an afterthought and he dared not look at me. He was afraid that I would look at him differently and fear entered his soul like a virus. The killing, he could live with, but he was scared of losing me. He closed his eyes and lowered b
oth shoulders.
“What he said isn’t true Susy. He is evil. I had to protect you,” he said quietly.
“You wanted to save me from a kiss by murdering him?” I blurted out before I had time to notice that my key had been fished out from underneath my dress.
Nicholas must have tried to steal it during the kiss and abruptly I was sorry at my reaction.
“Nicholas! Nicholas!”
Nomnat’s scream echoed through the hall in mourning for his dead baby brother; having witnessed the entire event from the balcony opening. Tarus’s weakness hadn’t gone unnoticed by Nomnat and he had already gathered guards to take over the fort during the evening. He had predicted that problems would arise, but not death, not his brother. The guards, who had become loyal to Nomnat in Tarus’s absence from the fort, stormed out on the balcony to surround the murder scene.
“Chain him before he gets the chance to transform himself,” Nomnat ordered the soldiers.
Thick metal rings attached to long chains were bolted over Tarus’s neck, wrists and ankles.
“Hold him hard and take him to the dungeons.”
Nomnat’s voice was frantic. With a hard shove in my back I was taken to the dungeons after Tarus and locked behind bars in a small room with nothing but straw on the floor. The air was cold and the chill crawled over my skin. Nausea was writhing in my stomach at the rotten smell and the sight of the half-withered prisoners inside the other cells mixed with bones and skulls. Nomnat entered into the dungeon and stood against the bars.
“I need a woman like you by my side, what do you say sweetie?”
His sorrow at his brother’s death had seemingly evaporated at his chance for more power, although he still looked furious.
“I would rather destroy the world than live in it with you,” I spat.
“Suit yourself, maybe you will get what you wish for,” he taunted in reply whilst he grabbed the key with the power stone from around my neck.