He opened a can of ale, set his little stove up to cook the bacon and eggs he’d brought with him, buttered some soft white sourdough bread, and looked out at the sheep grazing in the valley below. He focussed on this simple task, turning the bacon over in the pan; the smell tantalising as the fat crisped golden-brown. At least he hadn’t lost his appetite. He added the egg to the frying pan a minute or so later, listening to it sizzle beside the bacon, waited for it to cook, then turned it all out onto a plastic plate, and ate.
Supper with a view. And what a view it was – rolling hills, deep valleys, rugged moorland with sheep grazing, and the sky, a fading blue turning to gold with wisps of high feathery peach-tinged cloud zigzagging across it, as the sun began to dip.
Did Lucy really think he was such a tosser that he’d take some drunken girl home to sleep with her? Jeez. Or, was she just riled up about everything, much like he still was? The night they’d spent together was special, but he still had to admit it totally scared him too. Being with someone. Giving so much of yourself to them. That ache of vulnerability. When you loved, you lost … He’d been there, and he never wanted to feel that depth of pain ever again. If he took this step back from Lucy now, then at least his head and heart wouldn’t be all over the place like some kind of emotional roadkill.
He took out his notepad and a biro from his backpack, and looked out across the rocky crags, moorland grass, prickly gorse bushes. The words were there in his mind, ready, flowing through to his fingertips:
Your faces haunt me.
The one I lost.
The one I could yet lose.
In these hills, as dusk begins to settle, shadows deepening in the valley.
The sky lifting to a blaze of sunset gold, brushed with magenta, burnished copper.
Will I ever find you again?
Should I dare?
Jack put down his pen. He suddenly didn’t know which way to turn, or what the endgame was anymore. He’d been protecting himself for so long. Keeping going, moving forward, as much as he could. Keeping the blinkers firmly on. Stopping himself getting involved. But had he been missing what really mattered? He’d not let anyone in for such a long, long time. Was that the only way?
Not being loved, meant not getting hurt. But hurting Lucy was hurting him too. He could see that now.
His head was spinning.
He’d watch this glorious sunset fade and then sleep on it, he decided. He had a small hipflask of single malt whisky in the pocket of his rucksack. He found it, and sipped it slowly as the light faded. It warmed him through.
Yes, he’d stay here and watch the stars come out one by one, like vibrant white pin-pricks above him. It was a mild enough night. He laid out the roll mat and sleeping bag in the open air, and just lay there looking up, trying to sort through this crazy kaleidoscope of thoughts and emotions, feeling like a dot in the universe, a dot full of hurt and confusion.
Chapter 38
‘Girlfriend, you are kidding me, right?’
Sat at a corner table in the Driftwood Café, with a latte and a very large slice of Victoria sponge in front of her, Lucy was finally spilling the truth to Becky about what had been going on with Jack.
Becky’s mouth dropped open as she was about to load it with a cream and jam scone.
Lucy felt herself go pink as the heat of shame rose within her. ‘Oh, I wish I was joking, Becks.’
‘So, you … you willingly let Jack, waste-of-space, all-time player, dickhead, into your home and your bed. Are you crazy? Do you have some kind of masochistic wish to get hurt again? Just put yourself in line, Luce. Wow, I didn’t think you were that stupid.’
‘Nor did I,’ Lucy conceded sheepishly, her latte cooling untouched before her. ‘I just got caught up in it all. He went to such an effort with that picnic and the cocktails on the beach, and we’d been getting on great as friends before that.’
‘Tactics. That’s all it was.’
‘I’ve been a bloody idiot, haven’t I?’ Lucy felt her shoulders slump.
‘Yup.’ Becky took a huge bite of her scone. ‘Hey …’ she softened, ‘we can all get things wrong sometimes. Oh, god, you did take precautions, I hope?’
‘Of course.’
‘Phew. So, it’s nothing you can’t move past. Live and learn, Luce. Live and learn. You’ll be fine. And next time listen to your old mate, Becks.’ Her friend gave her a little dig in the ribs.
‘I bloody well will.’
‘Oh, on that note, there is someone interested in a date.’
‘With you?’
‘Don’t be so daft, I’m all shacked up with Darren. No, you.’
‘Huh, how’s that? Becks, no,’ Lucy didn’t really like where the conversation was suddenly heading, ‘Nope, I really don’t feel ready for dating just now. After this disaster, I’m going to hole up back at the cottage with Daisy for the rest of the year, maybe the decade.’
‘Ah-oh, no. You’ve got to get back out there, Luce. Show dickhead barman you’re living your best life. That someone else is keen. Show him what he’s missing.’
‘I really don’t think so, Becks.’
‘It’s just a mate of Darren’s, and I’m not asking you to get married, just go on one date. Loosen up a bit.’
‘I loosened up far too much, and look where that got me.’
‘It was just with the wrong guy, Luce. This bloke is lovely. Darren knows him from his uni days. He’s just moved back up this way. Got a job in Morpeth, something to do with computers I think, and well, he’s just finding his feet, trying to make some new friends. Just say you’ll give it a try, just once. Nothing heavy, just a drink out or something.’
Lucy could tell Becky wasn’t going to let this rest. And, she did kind of feel she owed her one, after not taking her friend’s advice over Jack.
‘Alright, alright. Just for a drink, and for a couple of hours tops. No cosy meals out or anything. Nothing too datey.’
‘Datey? Is that even a real word?’ Becky gave a wry smile. ‘Okay, yes, granted.’ She clapped her hands. ‘I’ll get it sorted.’
Lucy sat and sipped her now-cool latte, feeling a little queasy. Frying pan into the fire came to mind.
Chapter 39
Four days after her chat with Becky, and it had all been arranged – that girl was nothing but keen. There was no going back now.
Lucy checked her look in the mirror. She’d gone for a red floral-patterned summer dress with black ankle-tie espadrille sandals. Being summer, her skin was olive-tanned with a healthy Mediterranean glow, inherited from Papa’s side of the family. She wore her dark hair loose, and it fell in its natural wave, to just below her shoulders. Well, she’d do.
She was feeling a bit nervous. Other than meeting up with Jack, and god knows what classification that would fall into, she hadn’t ‘dated’ since Liam left her almost two years ago. What would they talk about? What if there was no chemistry? And, what if she did actually like this new guy? Okay, she reasoned with herself, it was just for a couple of drinks and a couple of hours. He, Angus, had suggested they go to a pub in a village not far from Alnwick, about six miles from Lucy’s home. He was going to pick her up at the cottage, but then she had organised a taxi home for herself at ten o’clock, not too early and not too late. But that still meant a full two and a half hours together – which could prove tricky if they didn’t get on. Still, Becky had assured her that he was a nice guy; her friend having met him a couple of times as a mate of her partner, Darren.
A dark-grey, shiny-clean Lexus saloon pulled up outside the cottage window, dimming the light inside her living room. Oh, this was him. He’d mentioned having a Lexus.
‘Well, here goes, Daisy. Wish me luck.’ Lucy popped the little dog into her kitchen crate, then took a slow, steadying breath. ‘Be a good girl, now. I won’t be too long.’ She tossed a couple of dog biscuits in with her canine pal, and left Daisy munching contentedly.
Lucy stepped outside, and took a steadying breath as she turned t
o lock the cottage door. As she approached the car, the guy in the driving seat gave a small wave, and leaned across to open the passenger door from the inside. ‘Hi, Lucy.’
‘Hi,’ she replied with a nervous smile.
He had dark-brown hair, cut short, green eyes, good teeth. All in all, not bad-looking. But, in that second, the face in her mind was Jack’s. She pushed the image away, as she took up the passenger seat.
‘Angus.’ He offered his hand formally across the gear stick.
‘Nice to meet you.’
‘Pretty little cottage.’
‘Yeah, it’s lovely, and I really like the village here too. So handy for the beach.’
Beach walks, beach canapés, cocktails … Jack was lurking dangerously inside her head once more. Would that fly-by-night barman just butt out of her thoughts!
‘So, where is it you live?’ she asked.
‘Ah, I’m renting just now. On a new estate in Morpeth. Modern, easy to look after. Handy for the A1, and getting to work.’
‘Right.’ Wow, this felt very like old territory; in fact, like the kind of life she’d just escaped from. The conversation was feeling stilted already. But they’d only just met, she conceded. She needed to give him a chance.
He was a steady driver, and the journey passed in polite chit-chat. Angus worked in IT – she knew that much as Becky had filled her in a bit – explaining that he did contract work for small and medium businesses who didn’t have their own in-house IT technicians. He’d studied computer science at Newcastle University, gone to work for BT for a while, and then went into partnership with an acquaintance who was keen on setting up an IT solutions company in North Northumberland. He told her that several IT companies were based Newcastle way, but there weren’t many options here on their doorstep. They’d secured some good contracts already, including one for the Alnwick Gardens working for the Duchess of Northumberland, no less, setting up a new computer network for the office and shop facilities. He sounded very proud about that. And apparently the business was prospering, going from strength to strength.
‘Hence the new Lexus,’ he beamed. It was like he was trying to convince her how good a prospect he was too.
‘Well, that all sounds impressive. Well done you.’
‘And what about you, Lucy? What’s your line of work?’
‘Oh, I have a pizza horsebox.’
Angus quirked an eyebrow.
‘I travel to events,’ Lucy explained, ‘set it all up, and cook my own hand-crafted pizzas.’
‘Right, well that sounds … fun. Different.’
‘Yeah, I’m just getting established, but it’s going well so far.’
‘Good. Though I have to say I’m not much of a pizza fan really. Prefer healthier food.’
‘Oh.’
Well, that halted the conversation.
‘Ah … I’m sure yours will be good though,’ he then mumbled on feebly, trying to dig himself back out of the conversational black hole he’d just dropped them in.
Lucy gazed out of the window at the passing fields, wondering what on earth she could say next. This was so different from her drive out in Ruby after that first beach afternoon, with the windows wound down and she and Jack singing like loons.
Ten minutes later, they arrived at The Black Swan Inn, pulling up into one of the few spaces left in the rear car park.
‘Well, here we are,’ Angus announced, stating the obvious.
‘Lovely.’
It was a relief to arrive. She certainly felt in need of a drink. Perhaps a glass or two of wine would loosen up the chat a bit. Angus insisted on buying the first round, and they found a table tucked cosily in a corner. He talked some more about various IT projects he’d undertaken; filling her in on his love for what went on behind the scenes in a computer. Asking had she heard about the benefits of business intelligence, data mining (she was visualising men with spades digging up words and numbers at that point) and enterprise architecture, blah-blah? By the end of this rather long-winded conversation, she was more bamboozled than when they’d started. This was exactly why people paid good money to get someone like Angus to deal with their computer problems. Because they didn’t want to have to learn about all the complex (and boring) background stuff themselves, they just wanted to be able to use the damn things. She didn’t actually share those thoughts with Angus however, sensing they wouldn’t go down too well.
Lucy was ready for another drink soon enough, and headed off to the bar to buy the next round. She didn’t want Angus to feel he had to pay for her all night. She leaned against the smooth, lacquered wooden bar top, waiting her turn.
The main door of the pub swung open, catching her eye, and, oh shit. What were the bloody chances? Of course the person walking through the door had to be Jack Anderson. Lucy’s skin went all prickly and a strong impulse to hide rose up inside her.
He quickly spotted her too; looked across, his brow furrowing for an instant with surprise.
Jack approached cautiously, no sign of the cocktail-man bravado in his step. ‘Hey, good to see you,’ he said awkwardly. ‘Didn’t expect to see you here,’ he added, with just a hint of his gorgeous smile.
‘No, nor me you.’ Lucy’s heart was hammering away in her chest.
‘So, who are you with?’
‘Oh, um, just a friend. He’s over there.’ Lucy pointed across to the corner, where Angus was finishing his pint.
Jack’s eyebrow quirked as he glanced in Angus’s direction, who in turn gave them a brief nod. ‘Ah, right, I see.’ Jack’s smile soon turned to a frown.
What did it matter to him who she was with anyway, Lucy mused. He was the one who’d given her the cold shoulder. The one who’d told her they should ‘cool it’. Thankfully, the barman turned to her to take her order at that point. ‘Yes, a white wine and a pint of Diet Coke, please.’
Jack shifted slightly, ready to place his own order. One of the friends he’d arrived with, the tall one, moved nearer, seeming to look her up and down, before saying, ‘Hi.’
‘Oh, hi …’ Lucy answered politely.
‘Ah, this is my mate, Matt …’
She really didn’t feel comfortable standing around making conversation in the circumstances, and guessed Jack was feeling awkward too. The barman placed her drinks on the bar top and she quickly paid. ‘Well, I’ll see you around, Jack.’
‘Yeah.’
She couldn’t figure out the look that Jack was giving her at all.
With that, she picked up the two glasses and headed back over to their table, her heart still thumping. Back to making small talk with nice-guy Angus, whilst trying to avoid more mind-numbing in-depth IT conversations.
Jeez, he’d come here to try and chill out a bit with his mates, and take his mind off stuff. Matt had noticed he’d been a bit ‘off’ lately, and had suggested coming out for a few beers along with another pal, James. It had sounded a good idea at the time to Jack. Right now, though, it seemed like the good idea had well and truly backfired. In fact, Jack felt like he’d just landed in front of the firing squad.
‘Is that her?’ Matt gave him a nudge.
‘Who?’ Jack was pretending to play it cool.
‘The girl that you’ve just been talking to at the bar. Is it her? Whoever’s been messing with your heart and your head lately?’
Jack just shrugged non-committally. He really didn’t want to get into any of that here, especially not with her sat a mere five metres away from him, looking cosy with some other bloke, chatting away and laughing as she flicked back her dark hair. Jack was relieved when the barman turned to him soon afterwards.
‘Yes, mate? What can I get you?’
‘Ah, great. Three pints of Morretti, thanks.’
The lads found a spot nearby, standing at a tall barrel-shaped table. Unfortunately, it had a direct view over to Lucy’s corner of the bar. Jack found himself feeling suddenly hot and uncomfortable. He shifted, so at least his back was to her now.
�
�Nice pint,’ he commented. The lager was cool and refreshing.
‘Yeah, hits the spot, doesn’t it,’ James answered.
‘So, what’s the crack, lads? Any unusual animal antics at the vets, Mattie?’ Jack needed to lose himself in everyday conversation, wind down a bit. That was what he was here for, after all. But every now and again – despite the story of the Labrador who arrived at the vets wobbly and foaming at the mouth, with its owner getting redder and redder at the questioning as to whether the dog could have eaten anything poisonous, and finally confessing that Bertie had eaten his owner’s supply of homemade cannabis cookies – Jack couldn’t help but twist his neck to take a peek at the pair of them sat in the corner. It was like some kind of masochistic game Jack was playing with himself. Even though it was weirdly painful to watch, he found himself unable to ignore Lucy.
‘You okay, Jack?’ Matt asked, after finishing his waggy tale.
‘Yeah, yeah, fine.’
‘You just don’t quite seem yourself, mate.’
‘I’m alright. Might just nip to the bathroom, though.’
The bar area was feeling awfully claustrophobic right now. Jack got up to take a bit of a breather, intending to give himself a bit of a talking-to, as well. What was wrong with him? If he didn’t want things to go any further with Lucy, as he’d made quite clear to her at the village festival recently, then why the hell was he feeling so goddamned shitty right now? Was it mere jealousy? He didn’t want her, but no-one else could have her, kind of thing? And didn’t that make him the biggest, most selfish coward in the world?
To top it all, just as he was stood at the urinal taking aim, in walked Lover Boy! That was all he bloody well needed. Jack turned slightly at the sight of the guy. Jealousy rose within him. Well, he hoped this guy had a small, in fact, a teeny-weeny penis; Jack was well aware how immature his thoughts were right now but he couldn’t seem to stop them.
He washed his hands, stealing a backward glance in the mirror at Lover Boy. Dark, neat hair. Smart, designer-label clothes. Jack couldn’t help but wonder which of the posh cars outside he might own? But at least, he thought proudly, there was no smart car out there which could possibly match his gorgeous Ruby for style and character.
The Seaside Cocktail Campervan Page 24