by Sandy Barker
“I’m letting you off the hook, you know?” I said nothing. “Okay, well, I did think about absolving myself of the whole ‘bigger life’ thing.” I turned my head to him, a frown planted firmly on my face.
He held up his hand as if to stave me off. “Kidding! I’m kidding.”
“We’re going to have to talk about it at some point, you know.” I took the final sip of my drink. Boy, it was potent.
“Yeah, yeah. I know. I’m surprised you haven’t asked about it already.”
Why haven’t I? I tried to kid myself it was because we were having such a great time, and I didn’t want to spoil things by bringing it up. But really it was because I was afraid of what he would say—that I might find out we were on completely different trajectories and despite how we felt, we should just go our separate ways.
I was playing emotional ping pong with myself.
“So, yeah, I don’t know …” he said, clearly thinking aloud. “I definitely absolve myself of buying those skinny jeans with the low crotch. I know they’re kind of the thing right now, but they just look stupid.”
I raised the hand that wasn’t holding my empty cup. “I couldn’t agree more. Anything else?”
“Hmm, I’ll have to think about it.” That was fair. I’d had plenty of time to think about mine and, besides, none of them were serious. I figured it was time to loop back to what was.
“So, what about the other thing?” I glanced at him and he was rubbing the back of his neck one-handed, his “everything is not okay” gesture.
“Yeah.” I waited, giving him time to say what he needed to say. Eventually, he launched into an explanation. “You know, I was so fired up after I got home from Greece. I was going to take charge of my career and do more with my time and start thinking about where to travel to next year—well, now it’s almost this year.”
“And what happened?”
“I don’t know. Life, I guess. I know that’s a cop-out answer, but routine and work and just normalcy. And I didn’t have you guys around.” I knew he meant the people from the sailing trip, our floating family. And then, “I didn’t have you around.”
Oh, wow. The weight of his words hung between us, a call back to what he’d said when we arrived at the party. Maybe he really was thinking about being in a relationship with me.
But I was confused. This wasn’t the Josh I’d talked to dozens of times, or the Josh from his emails. How had I not seen what he was going through? “I’m really sorry I didn’t realise. It always seemed like you had a lot going on. I’ve been a crap friend.”
“You shouldn’t be sorry. I should be sorry. I wasn’t honest with you. A lot of the time, I was pretending. I mean, I was busy, yes, just busy doing the same old stuff.”
I didn’t want Josh sinking into a pit of self-flagellation and regret. It was New Year’s Eve, a time for beginnings, not getting mired down in what wasn’t right with life. “So,” I said brightly, and possibly a little too loudly, because his head snapped up at the sound of my voice. I carried on, “What do you want to do?”
He laughed and I welcomed the sound. “You mean, what are my New Year’s resolutions?”
“Oh, my god, yes! I do. Holy crap. We’ve come full circle.” I let the giggles take hold, and he stopped to face me, smiling.
“I do know I want to do this.” He pulled me towards him for another kiss, this one less Nicholas Sparks and more Fifty Shades of Grey, if you know what I mean. We both dropped our cups, and I let my clutch fall to the sand, so I could run my hands up his back—he had a lovely back. One of my hands entwined in his hair—he had lovely hair too.
Josh’s hands found the slits in my dress and caressed my thighs, his ardour building as he pulled the fabric higher so he could cup my bum with his hands. That was when he discovered I wasn’t wearing any knickers.
“You’re not wearing any …” he said breathlessly. I shook my head “no”, and he leant in closer to take my mouth with his, his lips and tongue meshed against mine. “I need you,” he said, breaking the kiss.
“Here?” He nodded, his eyes alive with wanting. Now, I know this is going to sound super unsexy, but I was not one hundred per cent into the idea of sex on the beach. I mean, there’s all that sand. Josh was already way ahead of me, though. He slipped his jeans down and, in the fastest recorded time ever, slid on a condom. He lifted me so I could wrap my legs around his waist, then he was inside me. I clung to him, his face pressed against my neck. It was fast and passionate and so sexy.
Afterwards, he carefully placed me back on my feet. My legs were a little wobbly and we were both breathing heavily—being joined like that was a bit of a workout. I realised we’d have to deal with the condom and picked up my clutch so I could offer him a tissue.
“Thanks,” he mumbled shyly, then sorted himself out. It’s odd how you can be so close to someone, so intimate with them, and still be shy about the practicalities of sex.
When he had pulled up and fastened his jeans and after I’d smoothed out my dress, we stood facing each other. He lifted a hand to my face and traced my jawline. I tilted my head and his hand cupped my cheek. Our eyes met and he placed a gentle kiss on my lips, then leant his forehead against mine.
“Sarah …” he said again, cryptically. I was really going to have to figure out what it meant when he said my name like that—specifically, what it meant for us.
Oh, and I should say that I hardly ever do that—go knickerless, I mean—but the dress looked better without them—truly. I hadn’t planned on having hot sex on the beach when I got dressed—although, it was a lovely outcome.
*
“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Hap-py New Year!” I love the sound of lots of people joyously counting down to the New Year. There’s something exhilarating in the collective hope that the year to come will bring all it promises.
And seeing in the year with Josh and our new friend, Siobhan, was more magical than any New Year I’d had in years—particularly as the previous one had been spent with Neil the cheating bastard.
There in Maui, under a full moon and washed in a cooling fragrant breeze, I felt a sense of possibility, perhaps even empowerment. My life had already changed from the stagnant mediocrity it had been the year before—before I’d met Josh and the others on the boat, and before I’d actively started participating in my own life again.
I was happier than I could ever remember being.
After the countdown, Josh and I wished each other “Happy New Year” and kissed—a chaste one compared to the kiss that had led to sex on the beach. Part of me was already excited about sharing that story with Lins and Cat, though I’d skip the details, of course. Contrary to what many people believe, women do not tell each other everything. Well, we don’t. It’s tacky.
Siobhan found us, Paddy following close behind her. “Happy New Year to my new besties,” she said, pulling us in for a group hug. I wondered how many more of Paddy’s special cocktails she’d had. We’d stuck to vodka tonics for the rest of the evening and I had a nice buzz going, but I was planning on not being hungover the next morning. I wanted to be fresh for my last day in Hawaii.
“Happy New Year to you too!” I said to Siobhan, throwing my arm around her neck. “And you, Paddy.” He leant over and gave me a cheek kiss, returning the well wishes, then shook hands with Josh.
“I’m going to stay here with Paddy tonight,” shouted Siobhan. The music had started up again and we were being jostled about by revellers who wanted to reclaim our spot as the dance floor. I signalled for us to move away from the thick of the party, not wanting to have a shouting match with Siobhan.
We found a spot away from the noise. The guys followed and were chatting about something—surfing, it sounded like. “So, what time do you fly out tomorrow?” I asked.
“Noon. That’s my flight to Honolulu, then I have a couple hours there before the flight to Dublin, via New York.”
“Wow, that’s quite the milk run.”<
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“Yeah, but it’s been brilliant. I’m so glad I came.”
“Me too. You know, my sister lives in the UK.” So does James, Sarah. I pushed the thought aside. I hadn’t told Siobhan about James. I’d never had enough time alone with her to go into it—and it seemed like a betrayal to talk about him while I was in Hawaii with Josh. Ironic, I know, but it was easier for me to have two boyfriends if I compartmentalised them.
“And I’ve never been to Ireland,” I added. “I should come see you the next time I’m in your part of the world.”
“Oh, my god, I’d love it. You absolutely must come—I’ve told you before and I mean it. You can stay with me. We’ve—sorry, I’ve …” I heard her voice catch and I rested my hand on her arm in encouragement. “As I was saying, I’ve got a great little place in the heart of the city, and I’ve even got a spare room. Feels weird sometimes, when I have to say ‘I’ instead of ‘we’.”
“It’s still very recent—totally understandable. Anyway, we’re connected on Facebook and I’ll send you my email address too. We can keep in touch for sure.”
“Grand.” She hugged me. “I’m so glad I found you and Josh.” I squeezed her back.
“And Paddy,” I added.
We pulled apart. “Oh, yes, and dear Paddy. What a way to get over Liam. My god, that boy has the best abs I’ve ever felt in my life!” I laughed. “And what about you two?” she asked, leaning in and lowering her voice. I looked over her shoulder at Josh, who was deep in conversation with Paddy.
Looking back at Siobhan, I shrugged, a wry smile on my face. I spoke quietly. “The sex part is good—no, actually, it’s great—and we’re close friends. I love being with him, but I don’t know. We still haven’t talked about ‘us’, and if I’m truthful, it doesn’t seem like Josh is at the same point in his life as I am. At least, not anymore. And even if he does decide he wants to be with me, he seems stuck, and I’m not sure what that means for us.”
It was only as the words tumbled out of my mouth that I realised what I was saying, and a wave of sadness swept over me.
Siobhan looked rightfully concerned, but I didn’t want the conversation to turn even more morose, so I plastered a smile on my face. “But let’s not worry about all that—plenty of time to dissect it all when I get home. So, now, you, tomorrow. Can we have breakfast together so we can say goodbye properly?”
“Absolutely—done. I’ll meet you downstairs at eight.” Eight? On New Year’s Day?? Ugh. But she was leaving, and I adored her, so I would do it. Josh would too, although he didn’t know it yet. “Now, you’re not leaving yet, are you?” she asked.
“What? The party?” I looked around. Yes, these people were strangers, but we’d all shared something, a milestone of sorts, and there was a kind of camaraderie in it. And someone had started playing dance music from the 90s, which was impossible to resist.
I shook my head. “No way. We haven’t danced together yet!” Then I pulled a giggling Siobhan towards the makeshift dance floor, Paddy and Josh following close behind. “Gonna Make You Sweat” by C&C Music Factory started playing, and Siobhan and I squealed, then grabbed hands and jumped up and down in the way grown women do when they’re tipsy—okay, drunk—and they find out they love dancing to the same song.
The guys joined us—in the dancing, not the squealing and jumping up and down—and Siobhan I shared grins as we danced in the year. I had a feeling it was going to be a great one.
Chapter 17
The alarm bleated like an impaled lamb. I rolled over, threw my arm across my eyes, and groaned.
Well, this is a crappy start to the year.
Why had I promised Siobhan we’d have breakfast together? At eight in the morning on New Year’s Day? After we’d stayed at the party ’til two, dancing, and we’d had two more drinks after midnight?
Because I was a moron.
Also, because she was my friend—our friend—and I adored her, and she was flying out in a few hours.
“Are you awake?” I asked Josh, feeling him stir beside me.
“Yeah.” He sounded about as enthusiastic as I felt.
“Then can you please turn off that noise?” Sleep-deprived and slightly hungover Sarah is delightful, by the way. Josh turned off the alarm. It was me who’d insisted he set it, so I had no right to be grumpy with him. I mumbled a half-assed, “Sorry.”
He rolled onto my side of the bed and played with one of my wayward curls. “No problem. You want the first shower?”
I removed my arm from my face and blinked at him through the slits of my eyes. “You’re a god.” He smiled. He looked way better than I felt, and I reminded myself I was quite a bit older than him. My partying days are OVER! I’m past it! Sleep-deprived and slightly hungover Sarah is also a drama queen.
I rolled out of bed and dragged myself to the bathroom, then stood under a lukewarm shower until I started to feel some semblance of humanity return.
Why, oh why, do I never learn this lesson? I was fairly certain I’d only had one drink too many. I’d been hoping to keep the warm, fuzzy buzz from the evening’s cocktails going, but it’s always the last drink you should talk yourself out of, isn’t it?
“We’re meeting Siobhan in twenty minutes,” called out my pseudo-boyfriend.
“Okay!” I called back. I turned off the shower and dried off, only then daring to look in the mirror above the sink. To my utter surprise, it wasn’t that bad. My hair had behaved itself—for my hair—and was still in its cascading curls. The only tell that I’d spent most of the night out, was some shadowing under my eyes, which I covered with concealer. I rubbed some cream blush into my cheeks, added a few flicks of mascara, tidied my brows with a little brush, and wiped on a slick of lip gloss.
That’ll do, Sarah. It’s just Siobhan. And Josh, my much younger boyfriend, I reminded myself.
Speak of the devil …
Josh got into the shower and I watched him as he ran his head under the water, rivulets running down his body and droplets falling from his curls. I could have looked at him naked all day—he was so very, very good-looking.
“I know you’re watching me,” said the voice from the shower. I’d been sprung!
“Just enjoying the view,” I said lightly. I left the bathroom and put on a maxi dress and flip-flops.
At breakfast, Siobhan looked as though she’d had a good night’s sleep as well as a good shag, when it was probably just the latter. “Hellooo, lovelies,” she cooed at us, waving. We made our way through the tables to where she was already seated. I leant down and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“Wasn’t last night just the most fun thing ever?” Siobhan enthused.
A slew of snapshots from the night before flashed through my mind. “It was the best New Year’s I’ve had in ages,” I agreed.
“It was a great party,” said Josh. “Sorry we couldn’t find you to say goodbye.”
“Oh, we were, um, busy,” she grinned.
Josh returned the smile. “Yeah, but we didn’t get a chance to thank Paddy for the invite. Let him know we had a great time.”
“Oh, Paddy and I said our goodbyes this morning.”
I was a little surprised at the finality of her tone. “So, you’re not going to keep in touch?”
She shook her head. “No, it was just about the sex. We fancied each other. I needed a shag. That’s it,” she said matter-of-factly. Oh.
She picked up her tea and took a sip, reminding me how much I wanted some. I caught a waiter’s eye, and when he came over, I asked for tea. “And coffee, please,” I added, thinking of Josh.
Tea on its way, I turned my attention back to Siobhan, who looked well pleased with herself. “Well, that’s great,” I enthused, “good for you.” Do I mean that? Feeling awash with disappointment, I realised I didn’t. I’d been invested in Siobhan finding someone—while she was on her honeymoon—alone. It was no fun discovering that I was that person, the one who wanted the single woman to find love. At least I’d never sa
id the words out loud!
My tea and Josh’s coffee arrived. I added milk to my tea and was stirring it when Siobhan asked, “So, what about you two then?” Josh and I locked eyes and his expression was unreadable. Shock? Fear? Undying love for me?
“Well …” I said cautiously, breaking eye contact with Josh. Siobhan must have forgotten all about the conversation I’d had with her only hours before. I paused to take a sip of tea while I pondered how to navigate such a loaded question, but Josh jumped in. “We have the rest of today and tonight together, so that’s cool.” I wasn’t sure how “cool” it was that we’d be saying goodbye the next day, especially as we had yet to talk about us. My stomach soured.
“Yes, but what’s next for you two? Do you have another trip planned?” she probed. Yep, she’d definitely forgotten everything I’d told her at the party.
“Not yet,” I said as casually as possible. I caught her eye across the table and she pursed her lips, finally seeming to catch on.
“Well, I meant what I said before. If you’re looking for somewhere to go, I’d love to see you in Dublin. And, the spare room has a queen bed,” she said, raising her eyebrows at us.
“That could be a lot of fun, Siobhan. Thanks. We’ll definitely let you know,” I replied, hoping she’d drop the subject.
If I was going back to Siobhan’s part of the world, it was unlikely I’d be going with Josh. I’d probably be going to see James—and Cat, of course.
The reality of my tenuous romantic situation was insinuating itself into my holiday and into my—dare I say it?—vacationship. Somehow, I got through ordering, eating, and general chit-chat even though I felt like a duplicitous heel. I was actually relieved when Siobhan said she needed to get going and finish packing.
I hugged her tightly. “I’ve loved spending time with you. You’re amazing.”
“You too, lovely. An absolute pleasure.” She added in a whisper, “I hope it all works out.” I knew she meant with Josh.
We pulled back and grasped hands, regarding each other. I really hoped I would see her again; I’d fallen a little in love with her, especially her enthusiasm for life.