She loved Blake Matthews, and that was bad enough. To have made that declaration for the very first time on live national television was unconscionable. And given the opportunity, she’d do it all over again.
“After we’d planned so carefully what you’d talk about, I’ve got to say I was pretty taken aback by some of your revelations.” His tone was cautious, defensive even, and of course she couldn’t blame him for it. His face was a mask.
She stared straight ahead, a sour mix of sadness, horror, and relief rolling through her. He began to speak again, but she cut him off. “Of course you were.” She turned to face him and lifted her chin. “But after everything I’ve learned in the last couple of weeks, I have to tell the truth from now on, Blake, to my family and friends, and to my fans. I’m just so sorry that my honesty will mean you won’t get what you want. I know you and I can never be together. I’m the last person you can be seen with now I’ve destroyed things between you and Dent and Douglas, but I had to say those things tonight. I don’t want to bury my true self so deep that I don’t know where to find it, and I’m not going to live like that anymore.”
He dug a hand through his hair. “I’m so proud of everything you’ve achieved and the way the audience reacted to your honesty today. I want you to know that whatever happens from now with your career and with D and D, I’ll have no regrets when we move on.”
There was something different about him, a distance that she hadn’t seen since the first time they’d met, and she ached for the real Blake to speak to her. Had she killed even their friendship by declaring her love for him publicly?
She took a steadying breath as she tried to stop the tremble in her lips and failed. She’d expected this reaction, of course she had, but it didn’t lessen the crack in her heart that their time together was ending, with neither of them getting what they wanted. “I love the things you’ve taught me, Blake, the way you’ve encouraged me. I value those things more than you’ll ever know. I just hope you can learn to let more people see the incredible parts of you that I’ve seen.”
He swung around and stared at her, eyes turning deep sea green. “What do you mean?”
“You hide behind your looks, Blake. You make them an excuse for being aloof, for not opening your heart, and letting people see what’s inside. But I know what’s in there. I’ve seen it when we’re together, when we make love, when you’re about to go over the edge, you open yourself up and it’s beautiful. You’ve changed my life completely and I love you. I will not lie about that.”
He nodded slowly, still not acknowledging that she’d said she loved him. But they were her feelings, not his. “You’re right. I’ve never been good at looking inside. Holding a mirror up to other people is a hell of a lot easier. You’ve got all the skills you need to present your strong, independent self to the world. You don’t need D and D or me anymore. Now is your time to shine on your own.”
From within her deepest heart she wanted to make Blake understand not only what he meant to her, but why she’d declared her love and why she had to let him go.
“You held a mirror up to me and made me look so very hard at myself. At first I didn’t want to acknowledge I’d been denying my authentic self for so long, but you challenged me, pushed me to learn to love myself.” She struggled for a deeper breath. “What I was hoping you’d do in that time is hold that same mirror up to yourself so you could see deep inside, too. But you didn’t, and I don’t think you ever will, and that breaks my heart more than you’ll ever know.”
“I never offered you anything more,” Blake said. “We agreed that we’d go our separate ways when our time was up, and now that you’ve re-established yourself in your own way, that’s more important than ever.”
Her lips trembled as a wave of sadness threatened to overtake her. He wasn’t listening, would never listen. There was nothing more to say.
She stood and hugged herself for fear of falling apart in front of him. “Goodbye, Blake. I’m truly sorry you’re going to lose your chance with D and D, but I’ll never forget you. Good luck with your business and your family.” As the tears blinded her eyes, she straightened her back and walked from the room.
Five days later, Blake let himself into his San Francisco apartment for what would probably be the final time. He’d left for Oregon after the Felicity Farrell interview, primarily because he had tickets booked, but also because he sensed Kirin needed time on her own. He’d been floored by her declaration and thrown when she’d said the time wasn’t right for them. One second he’d been walking on air, the next crushed by the realization he’d fallen short for her in every area.
Spending time with Bryn and his parents had been a lot more pleasant than he’d imagined, and they’d made some progress for his parents’ future. But now he needed to pack and get back to New York.
Oregon had been a good place to escape from the paparazzi and the phone calls, too. There were over a dozen voice messages from D and D, but he hadn’t listened to any of them. He’d deal with that tomorrow when he went in to their offices to face the fallout from his failed buyout.
He hoped Kirin hadn’t had to deal with all the phone calls and photographers, too. He’d employed some private security to secretly protect her house from the press, but they’d reported that she hadn’t been staying there. She hadn’t returned any of his calls either, and it was starting to get to him. Not that he could blame her. She’d told him she loved him, and he’d left her hanging.
He couldn’t get her out of his head. It wasn’t surprising given they’d spent so much time together in the past two weeks, or the way things ended between them. But it was more than that. He thought about her when he first woke, when he was falling asleep, and every second in between. Even his dreams were filled with the memory of her smile and the feel of her body under his. Her silky hair across his chest, her passion for food and feeding him, of waking up with a smile on his face, knowing he was going to see her.
He walked to his bedroom, the apartment’s cold and clinical decoration irritating him. He’d missed Kirin’s warm and inviting home and the enigmatic Dudley way too much. Some mornings he’d tried to remember how she’d looked, standing at his stove cooking, the cheeky smile she’d give him when he’d steal a kiss.
He tossed his luggage on the floor, then bone weary, threw himself on the bed. Kirin’s final words to him had been on shuffle in his head. I was hoping you’d hold a mirror up to yourself so you could see deep inside. But you didn’t.
And then memories of the way he’d felt in her arms came flooding back. She’d pushed him to address his issues with Bryn, challenged him to make amends with his family. She’d called him out on his time management and the way he abused his body with food.
An iron hand fisted tight in his chest.
He hadn’t held a mirror up to himself. She had.
Kirin was his mirror. She’d stood in front of him and reflected what was deep inside and he’d let her. She’d accepted his distance and his barriers, but she’d pushed beyond them, slipping under his skin without him even knowing it was happening. And it had changed his life. Had changed him.
From somewhere deeply buried, a frightening and impossible thought overtook him. He’d never see her again, would never again be inside the world of Kirin Hart and the honesty she brought to his life. The realization chilled him to the bone.
He got off the bed and rifled through the things on his bedside table. When he didn’t find what he was looking for, he raced to the lounge room and pushed aside papers on the coffee table. There it was.
He held up the photo he’d taken when she’d come to show him the new dress she’d picked out. She was radiant—so different to the closed and defensive woman he’d met that very first day.
In this picture she was so full of confidence and positivity and…
Something cracked within his chest. What had made Kirin’s smile wider and her eyes shine brighter in this shot? It hadn’t been him and his designer dresses an
d slick haircuts. It had been because Kirin had opened her heart to something new and challenging. With honesty and optimism and faith, she’d opened her heart and from that second forward, she’d blossomed.
If she could do that, then why couldn’t he?
His chest swelled as a new realization bloomed inside him. There was something he had to tell Kirin Hart, something so huge and so frightening that if he didn’t go now, he might never have the guts. He picked up his wallet and keys and strode out the door.
Kirin sprinkled fresh cilantro over the vegetable curry she’d just made and wiped her hands on her apron. Cooking in other people’s kitchens was always a challenge, but it was so lovely of Lucy to invite her to stay until the media circus died down. Not much chance of that happening any time soon.
In the last five days her face had appeared in newspapers, on the TV, You Tube, Instagram, Twitter and in online celebrity gossip columns. She hadn’t seen all of it, but Lucy reported that it had all been incredibly positive. Seemed her fans had been touched by her honesty and openness, and even the CEO of Dent and Douglas admitted they were delighted by the city’s change of heart towards her. Despite it being the result she’d wanted from the very beginning of her transformation, now she wanted so much more. Blake.
At least he’d get his company after all.
Lucy would be home soon, and they’d eat curry, drink beer, and watch a romantic comedy until they were laughing or crying, or both. The opportunity to cry in public was a relief. Since Blake had left, she hadn’t let herself do it in private. There was such a deep, gaping hole inside her that she didn’t know if she could stop once she started, but letting a little out in public at just the right moment seemed to help.
There was a knock at the door and Dudley lifted his head from his chopped steak and trotted down the hallway. Strange that Lucy hadn’t let herself in with a key, and equally strange that Dudley hadn’t barked if it wasn’t Lucy.
She followed her dog to the door and looked through the peephole to be sure there wasn’t a crowd of journalists or photographers. Seeing no one and nothing there, she put on the security chain and opened the door a fraction.
A cardboard box sat on the welcome mat with no one in sight. She opened the door, retrieved the package, and stepped back inside.
It was wrapped in badly creased brown paper with a piece of old string around it. Should she open it? Maybe it was a hoax? Some radio show prank. She put it on the floor and studied it.
Dudley sniffed all around the box and then lay in a heap beside it and whined.
Too impatient to look for scissors, she pulled back the string and the paper slipped off. She undid the tape at the top and pulled out the straw-like packing material. When she saw what was inside, her heart missed a beat and tears welled.
With a trembling lip, she pulled out a porcelain pepper shaker in the shape of Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind. She held the cool object in shaking fingers and bit her lip. Her mom wouldn’t do this, would she? It had to be from Blake. Was it a peace offering? A final acknowledgement of the time they’d had together? She drew her finger over the image of Rhett, black suited, and on his knee. She couldn’t wait to reunite him with Scarlett.
Looking back into the box, she found a small white envelope and opened it. “Meant to be together.”
Tears fogged her eyes, and she laughed out loud just as there was another knock on the door. He’d be back in town to get the rest of his things, to make his peace and move on from her once and for all. It was going to be the hardest thing she’d ever done, but she’d shake his hand, thank him for everything, and wish him all the best.
She took a steadying breath, tacked on a smile, and opened the door.
The sight of Blake leaning against the doorjamb sent a wave of pain through her body. His chestnut hair was a little disheveled, the stubble at his chin more rugged than usual, and there was a wildness in his eyes she’d never seen before.
“Can I come in?” he said, and she nodded as she let him past. “I’m sorry but I had to ask your mom where I could find you when you weren’t at home.”
“That’s okay. Thank you for Rhett. Scarlett’s going to be so happy.”
“You don’t know how many online stores I’ve scoured trying to track him down.” There was a soft smile on his achingly handsome face. “Then I had to call Lucy to find out where you were.”
They’d reached the kitchen and Kirin placed Rhett on the counter and moved behind it, her palms damp and her throat tight. “Would you like a drink?” She gave Dudley a pat as he resumed his steak dinner. “I guess you’re back to pack your things before you head to New York. You left a jacket and pair of pants at my place but I didn’t bring them here, sorry. I’ll send them on. You must be pleased D and D were so happy with the publicity since the interview.”
He frowned and shook his head. “I haven’t spoken to anyone since the interview, and I don’t want to talk about work. Come here, Kirin.” His eyes were soft, his hands set low on his hips.
She bit her lip as her pulse beat hard in her throat, but stayed where she was. She didn’t want any analysis; him feeling sorry for her or telling her that he’d think of her sometimes. Every part of her ached for him, and it was almost too much to bear.
“Okay, then, I’ll come to you.”
He moved into the kitchen and the memory of them making love on a counter top sent a stab to her throat. She missed him with a pain that ripped through her. This was too much, he was too close, and the tears she’d saved for the rom-com threatened to spill.
“We’re good,” she said hurriedly. “Really, I…”
“I have some things I want to say.” Blake took her hand and, eyes locked on hers, lifted it to his lips. He placed a kiss on her palm. “I’ve found the mirror.”
She frowned, too busy focusing on the tingle floating from her palm to her arm to make sense of what he meant. “In the shop where you found Rhett?”
He smiled. “You’re my mirror, Kirin.”
She swallowed and drew her hand back. “We don’t need to do this, Blake. It was over before it started and I always knew that it would be. We don’t need to go over it again.”
He leaned in and, with the lightest, most sensual movement, brushed his lips against hers. Her eyes fluttered, and she held her breath, but as soon as he drew back she went on full alert.
“You said something to me the last time we were together, and I’ve been trying to get my head around it ever since.”
Her heart raced, but she focused on his mouth and his words.
“I have held a mirror up to myself, Kirin, and it’s you. Despite me being the most stubborn-assed, self-centered guy in the world, when I’m with you I can see the real me and although at first I didn’t like what I saw, I’ve realized I want to make it happen over and over again. You and I have looked in a hundred mirrors together, but I haven’t seen anything as clearly as when I’m with you. You make me want to be a better person, and I’ll fight with everything inside myself to have you in my life. I want to be with you.”
She pulled in a sharp breath and stepped away from him. “No, Blake. You don’t need me and you don’t like celebrities. You have a family who loves you, a business you’re proud of, and any woman in the world would be lucky to have you.”
“I don’t want any woman, Kirin. I want you. Celebrity or otherwise. And not for two weeks or two months, or two years. I want to be with you every single minute of every single day and night forever, and I’m hoping like hell that you want me, too.”
She shook her head, desperate to believe his words, willing everything he said to come from his heart. But how could she be sure?
He moved closer. “We’ve achieved an incredible amount together in the last few weeks, from the way you dress, to the way you carry yourself. But those aren’t the things I love about you, Kirin. It’s not a dress that you’ve worn, or a shoe that you’ve modeled. It’s not a haircut or the way you curl your lashes. Those aren’t the
things I love about you.”
She locked her knees together to keep from falling, but she concentrated on his perfect face and let his words wash over her.
“I love you because you own the ugliest dog I’ve ever seen and yet you treat him like a prince. And you didn’t name him Kujo or Brutus, you named him Dudley, and it couldn’t suit him better.”
He took her hand in his and the private tears she’d locked down tight pushed to the surface and spilled over. “I love you because, not only do you have a crazy condiment collection, but you’re so proud of it you put it on display. It says so much about who you are and what you believe that it makes me want to believe it too. Kirin, I want to be the pepper to your salt, the lime to your tequila, the herb to your groundhog.”
She squeezed his hand as she started to laugh, but he kept on talking.
“I love you because, despite the fact you’ve been made over and under, upside down and back to front, you’ll still go to the grocery store in your gray leggings and alligator clip, regardless of who’s watching, and you look stunning. I love you because you love your mom, even though she stresses you out. I love you because you make and keep friends and you push people to be the best they can be. Most of all I love you for your open heart, and because after watching you achieve all those things in your life, it made me want to achieve them, too.”
“Oh, Blake.” He opened his arms, and she stepped into them. “I haven’t been able to imagine not seeing you, not touching you, not sharing my days with you.”
He bent his head, and this time his kiss was strong and firm and sure and without a doubt in her heart. She believed everything he said. Their breaths mingled as the kiss deepened and Blake wrapped his arms around her.
When Dudley whined because the kiss had gone on for so long, Kirin tipped her head back and looked at Blake. “But what about D and D and your business and mine and the age gap and—”
Bad Reputations: A steamy, celebrity romance (The Breaking Through Series Book 1) Page 17