Dropping back against the counter, Matt rubbed his hands over his face. “What the fuck? What the actual fuck?”
“Deep breaths, buddy.” Curtis gave Matt a sympathetic smile, then frowned at Lawson. “I’m with him though. What the fuck?”
“I’m not in the mood, Curtis.” Lawson drained his still blazing hot coffee in a few quick swallows and slammed the mug on the bar. “Let it go.”
Glancing between them, Matt shook his head, looking so overwhelmed Lawson wanted to pull him into his arms and find a way to prove to him that everything would be all right. But would Matt welcome his comfort? Or believe him?
He put his hand on Matt’s shoulder, squeezing lightly. “Matt…”
Matt looked up at him, waiting for…something. Lawson wasn’t sure what, but his expression closed off abruptly and he stepped back.
Lawson let his hand fall to his side.
“I’m going to go check on my brother.”
“Sure thing, but Matt?” Curtis’s words stopped Matt just as he cleared the edge of the bar. He held Matt’s gaze for a moment. “From now on that door will stay locked in the morning. You don’t have to be afraid to come down here—still be a good idea to make sure me or Reed are around if you’re not with Law though, okay?”
With a curt nod, Matt continued toward the ring.
Running his hand through his hair, Lawson sighed. He could feel Curtis’s eyes on him, but he kept his own on the door Matt had disappeared behind.
“First fucking day and you’re already screwing this up.” Curtis pulled out a stool and sat, folding his arms on the bar. “Trying to set a new record?”
“Don’t.”
“Oh, cut the crap. Even Ram wouldn’t push like that if he thought you and Matt were solid.” Curtis’s brow furrowed. “Were you too rough last night or—?”
“Jesus Christ, Curtis. You know me better than that.”
“Then what happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing…” Curtis’s eyes went wide. “Nothing? That man looks at you like you’ve got a golden dick dipped in chocolate and the first time you have him alone you, what? Tucked him in and read him a bedtime story?”
Lawson’s lips thinned. “He’s not a child.”
“Glad you noticed.” Curtis made a rough sound of frustration. “Then what’s the problem?”
This was not the type of conversation he had with Curtis, but he had no choice. Not when it was clear Matt and his brother’s safety depended on them both working together. The animosity between them was the reason Matt made such an appealing target in the first place.
Rubbing the back of his neck, he faced Curtis. For the first time he saw what Noah must have when he’d taken him in all those years ago. For all his snark, his habit of pressing all of Lawson’s buttons at once simply to entertain himself with the reaction, Curtis was fiercely loyal and as real as a man could get. He could be Machiavellian at times, but at the core he was steadfast and had a strong code of ethics.
Which meant he might understand the dilemma Lawson was dealing with.
“I won’t touch him more than necessary so long as he reacts with uncertainty and fear. I will earn his trust, but until then…” Lawson shook his head. “He’s still healing from the pain I caused him.”
“Fuck, Law.” Curtis rubbed his hand over his lips and nodded. “Okay, let’s be clear. He’s a fighter and he got in that ring willingly. Whatever else is fucking with you, stop doubting that. You’ll probably have to kick his ass again at some point.”
Lawson’s jaw hardened.
“Don’t give me that fucking look. You’ll both enjoy it.” His eyes glinted with mischief. “I’ll give you my bike if you let me watch.”
“You are reminding me why I dislike you.”
“You love me, admit it.” Curtis let out a soft laugh when Lawson gave him a level look. “That aside, his introduction to The Asylum was fucked up. That’s on me. I’m doing what I can to fix it without treating him like he’s goddamn helpless. I respect that he still wants to pay his debts. That he won’t accept handouts. He’s got a point in saying his brother was there that night. If the kid hadn’t gotten caught, next time he might’ve been participating from the pressure alone.”
Shaking his head, Lawson grabbed his mug and got himself more coffee, needing something to do with his hands. This whole morning, this conversation, was setting him on edge. “Matt wouldn’t have allowed that to happen.”
“He might not have been able to stop it. But now he’s not dealing with that shit alone.” Curtis sighed. “Not sure what else to tell you. Have you tried kissing on the side of his neck while you slip your hands down his—”
“We are not discussing this any longer.”
Curtis held his hands up in surrender. “I’m just saying. Worst comes to worst, he can’t be scared of you while you’re sucking his dick. I can put in a good word.”
“Once I finish this coffee, I am going to murder you.”
“You must be in a good mood if you’re warning me first.” Curtis grinned at him, completely unfazed. “Give it some time and he’ll be begging for it. Let him know the ball’s in his court—at which point you should mention the membership contract and all the fun stuff that comes along with it.”
“That was my intention.”
“Good, then you’ve got nothing to worry about.” Curtis slapped his hands on the bar top. “My work here is done.”
Pulling his keys out of his pocket, Curtis started for the front door, likely planning to lock it behind him so they wouldn’t have any more unexpected visitors. Reed usually unlocked it first thing for some of the regulars to come in for a cup of coffee, or to use the ring for some early morning sparring, but that would have to change.
“Curtis.” Lawson came around the bar, his lips slanting as Curtis glanced back at him in surprise. “Thank you.”
“Anytime.” Curtis hesitated, then shook his head. “Don’t let this shit make you soft though, man. Stop doubting yourself. The Asylum needs ‘The Law’ now more than ever. So does Matt.”
Inclining his head, Lawson held Curtis’s steady gaze.
“I’m still here.” He fisted his hand against his thigh. “And if need be, I’ll prove it.”
Chapter Thirteen
The shower spray pummeled Matt’s back. He bent forward, palms against the stall wall and tried to ease the tension in his neck. On the way downstairs, he’d given himself a stern talking to about the things he should and shouldn’t expect from Lawson, but that hadn’t meant a damned thing when the man had leaned in to touch him.
Never mind that there had been strange men staring at them both, trying to start shit. Lawson’s fingers so close to the crest of Matt’s ass had him forgetting fear’s chill quicker than the hot water now cascading down his back.
He’d looked up, expecting, no, needing to feel the man’s mouth on his own, and then remembered they were only acting a part. That knowledge had chased away his arousal so swiftly Matt had done the one thing he’d promised himself not to do in this whole fucked up scenario. He’d practically bitten the guy’s head off in front of the same people Lawson was supposed to be protecting him and Garet from.
Squeezing his eyes shut, he turned off the shower and yanked his towel from the hook just outside. While Curtis and Lawson had their little chat about what had gone down, Matt had taken the opportunity to have one of his own. Even now, Reed’s words rattled around his head like a loose coin looking for a slot to fall into.
“Dude. You belong to him.” Reed stared at Matt, disbelief written across his face. “He’s going to touch you out there. Wherever and whenever he likes.”
“And I’m supposed to what?” Matt gesticulated, hands falling to his sides. “Kneel at his feet?”
Reed canted his head as if considering the image. His lips quirked. “Well, if that’s what he wants…”
That was precisely the trouble though. Matt didn’t know what Lawson wanted, only what he didn’t want
, and apparently that was Matt.
“Oh, shut the fuck up.” Drying off, he glared down at his dick. “And you can just stop thinking too.”
It wasn’t like he was all hearts and flowers over the guy. He just didn’t know if he could keep walking around hiding his hard-on whenever Lawson brushed near him. Eventually, he would notice, and God help them both if he decided to take pity on Matt and ‘rescue’ him from that too.
Matt pulled on his underwear, followed by the jeans he’d carelessly tossed over the locker room bench. Looking around the well-appointed space, he realized belatedly the guys had been yanking his chain that day before the fight. He could have changed in here, but instead had fallen for their joke in a spectacular display of temper and stripped down right in front of them.
In front of Lawson.
“God.” He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. Could he be any more stupid?
Shoes on, pulling his shirt over his head, he shouldered through the door to start work for the day...and ran headlong into the man in question.
“Sorry.” Matt backed away, placing distance between them.
Lawson took in his wet hair and frowned. “What are you doing?”
“What? Am I not allowed to shower alone now?” The memory of shucking his jeans while Curtis and Lawson looked on reared, and Matt’s lip curled. “Or did I miss the no-submissives-allowed sign on the locker room door?”
A muscle ticked in Lawson’s jaw, and the man’s eyes narrowed. “I’m going to assume you’ll want to unpack that statement. I’ve yet to see any submission from you, and I haven’t asked for it. You’re here of your own free will. And if you’re under the impression you’re not...” Jerking his head, Lawson indicated the exit. “There’s the door.”
Everything in Matt screamed at him to leave. Now. Get out and take Garet with him. It would be so much easier than having this conversation. Except the image of Garet sparring with Reed, chatting with Curtis, relaxed and happy, got in the way. He had to try, if not for himself, then for his brother.
“I don’t fucking know what you want from me, all right?” Raking his fingers through his damp hair, Matt tried and failed to control the rise to his voice. “I’m sorry for not knowing how to act or what to say in front of Ram and his crew. It’s just…” He quieted, biting his lip and looked at the floor. “I don’t know how to pretend.”
Not without shit feeling all too real.
He heard Lawson’s sigh, but didn’t look up until his shoes came into view. “Look at me.”
Matt peered up without raising his head. Lawson, arms folded over his chest, gazed down at him like he was the biggest puzzle outside of a three-d jigsaw. There were so many things Matt wanted him to say and do right now, but none of them would ever happen. Not in a way that wouldn’t make him feel like an even bigger chump.
“What I want is for you to feel comfortable using my shower, making yourself breakfast in my kitchen.” Lawson looked skyward. “And, hell, I don’t know. Knocking on my bedroom door and using the bathroom that’s right there to take a piss instead of holding it until you get downstairs.”
Matt colored, opening and closing his mouth.
Lawson gave him an arch look. “Yeah. I noticed.”
“Jesus Christ.” Could his life get any more fucked up? “Even when I’m trying not to be a pain in your ass, I’m a pain in your ass.”
They considered each other for a minute, Lawson measuring his words and Matt waiting for his response. At least one of them knew how to think before speaking. Probably a good thing, Matt figured, or he’d have traded blows with the man more than once by now.
“Being seen and heard isn’t a crime. Anyone who told you different is wrong.”
Matt blinked away the sudden sting in his eyes. Whatever he’d had expected Lawson to say, that hadn’t been near close.
“But—“ Lawson raised and lowered a placating hand. “But I need you to try to roll with my lead when we are out there. At least for the time being. Do you think you can do that?”
Matt ran his hand down his face and breathed deep. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to, and it wasn’t like he’d mind acting out every single one of the kinky fantasies he’d had about the man day and night for the past five days. He just...wanted to be the kind of person Lawson actually wanted to do those things with. Hell. He didn’t even rate a pity fuck. Or whatever men like Lawson got up to. He was a goddamn project.
“I don’t know.” He gave the most honest answer he could.
Lawson’s slow nod said he understood. “How’s this? I do something out there or anywhere you want to stop? You say granite?”
“Granite?” Matt echoed the word, thinking he must have missed out on some alternate meaning. “Like the stone?”
“Yes.” Lawson nodded again, more assured this time. “It’s a safeword. The guys will all understand and won’t consider it disrespectful. And if I’m doing things right, hopefully you won’t have to use it.”
“I guess?” Matt licked his lips, gaze darting to the door to the bar. “It might help if, you know, we practiced.”
Lawson’s hands fell to his sides. “Practiced?”
“So I know what this shit looks like. Whatever it is you’re expecting in front of them.” Matt felt heat stain his cheeks for the umpteenth time and shook his head. “Not sex. Just this stuff you guys do.”
At the word sex, Lawson’s expression closed off. Like a switch had been flicked. “Explain ‘stuff’.”
Kill me now. Matt closed his eyes wishing the floor would swallow him up. Or maybe he could get Lawson to KO him again. The best he could manage was to put some distance between them by walking away. At the ring, he leaned back, arms on the lower ropes and blew out a breath. He knew Lawson was waiting for his answer.
“Reed said you might want things.” A partial truth, but the details weren’t necessary. “Things like…” The word caught in his throat. “Kneeling.”
At the mention of Reed, Lawson made a frustrated sound, half growl, half groan, and went for the door. “That’s it. I’m gagging him until he gets his mouth under control.”
“No!” Matt shot up from the ropes, grabbing Lawson’s arm before he made it out of the door. Lawson stiffened, eyes hard and cold, like they’d been the day of the fight, and Matt snatched his hand away. “Sorry. It’s not Reed’s fault. I asked if that’s something you’d want. I mean expect.”
Lawson stared at him, relaxing a fraction, though his hand remained on the door to the bar. “Whatever Reed’s told you is not what you should be afraid I’ll want when I approach you in public. Not in the bar…” He let his hand fall to his side. “Do you really need practice to accept my touch without looking absolutely terrified?”
The man had the nerve to call him a coward? Fuck that shit. Refusing to be cowed, Matt leaned in. “And you’re so fond of the warm and fucking cuddly. Give the man a prize.”
A tick in Lawson’s jaw warned him that he might have gone too far. Then he shook his head and let out a bitter laugh. “You’re right.”
Matt blinked. “Did you just say I’m right?”
“Do not make me repeat myself.”
Fair enough. Matt nodded to himself. It looked like they were at an impasse, but he didn’t want to leave it that way. The idea of going upstairs tonight and tiptoeing around Lawson’s dark mood in that insanely swanky loft set his nerves jangling worse than The Asylum’s knockout bell.
“For the record…” Digging around his brain, he decided to go for the truth. “I’m not afraid of you. I just don’t—” His attention wandered to the ring and back to Lawson, and he shrugged. “I like to see it coming. I like to see you coming.”
The edge of Lawson’s lips kicked up and he glanced over. “There are many ways I could take that.” His expression sobered almost instantly. “But for casual touches in front of others it would be odd to announce my intentions.”
Matt had a feeling he’d missed something, but he let it go in favor of trying to
smooth things over in a way that wouldn’t end with them both pissed off and Lawson sorry he’d ever decided to take him on.
“Yeah.” Hand pulling at the back of his neck, he looked down and scuffed his foot along the floor. “So, that’s why I mentioned the practice thing. I thought, you know, if I knew ahead of time you were going to spend the evening with your hands—” He cleared his throat roughly. “—checking my underwear tag, I might have a chance of not freaking out.”
Every time Lawson had come near him so far, Matt hadn’t been expecting it. Wanting it, hell yeah. The man’s moods were so different than his touch, that first kiss notwithstanding, Matt didn’t know what to think when he got close, but he figured saying all that might be taking things a little too far. For them both.
Nodding slowly, Lawson held his gaze for a moment. “Assume if you’re close enough to touch, I will put my hands on you. If there are limits to where you’re comfortable with me touching you, I’ll respect that. I have my own limits.” Lawson’s brow furrowed and he let out a heavy sigh. “Avoid grabbing me without speaking my name first. I need to know it’s you and not...not anyone else.”
Matt figured anyone would have to be pretty stupid to sneak up on Lawson unawares, but he agreed just the same, wanting to let him know he’d heard him. It seemed important, and it was something he could do to get them both back on the same side. “You got it…”
Voices, Reed’s and Ezran’s, chatting in the bar, pulled his attention briefly away. They probably should get out there so Matt could work, but he had one other question that had been left unanswered. “Can I ask you something though?”
Lawson inclined his head.
“What do you…” Hearing the rest of the sentence in his head, Matt did a mental one-eighty and opened eyes he hadn’t realized he’d closed. “Out there...how far will things go? What do the guys expect to see?”
“Don’t worry about what they expect. They’ll assume I’m fucking you. That’s not a price I’ll demand. I’ve told you as much.” Lawson tilted his head slightly, observing Matt for a moment as though uncertain of why he’d be asking that. “We avoid you seeming too available. And situations like what happened earlier with Ram. This isn’t a damn act for me, but I won’t force you to tolerate more than you can handle. If this would work better for you with Curtis…” He stopped himself. His lips thinned. “Fuck that.”
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