Matt’s expression softened, but Lawson had one final thing to say.
“I need you to promise you won’t let me.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Worry lines creased Lawson’s too-pale skin, his day’s growth of beard adding to the impression he’d lost as much blood as Garet, who still recovered in the ICU. Matt smoothed his hand over his own face, trying to figure out which part of this tangled up conversation to have first.
Lawson had just freaking told him he was giving him an out to their relationship and that he loved him, practically in the same breath...and that he’d been horribly abused at the hands of another man. Matt’s first impulse had been to lean over and breathe three essential words against Lawson’s lips, to soothe all of the hurt and heartache from Lawson’s features with gentle touches and lingering kisses. His second had been to shout at him for even thinking there was a decision to be made.
Standing, Matt paced the few short feet to the curtain dividing Lawson’s bed from the room’s other occupant, a guy who’d suffered a head injury in a boating accident on Lake Champlain. Every object in the room he’d memorized over the long hours he’d divided between Garet’s and Lawson’s rooms. His brother’s had a glass window overlooking the nurse’s station, whereas Lawson’s had a view that stretched out over the waking city. Matt knew the view like the back of his hand from long days sitting in the very same waiting room with Garet while their father had argued with staff about medical bills and Matt had done his level best to keep Garet amused and out of the way.
“I want to see the hospital administrator.”
Matt looked up from his cross-legged position on the ICU waiting room’s industrial carpet. His father’s beer belly peek-a-booed from beyond the door, where he stood arguing with the doctor. From here, Matt could tell the guy tried using a reasoning approach with Dad that Matt could have told him wouldn’t work. Whatever they argued about, either his father was going to get his own way or he was going to get them thrown out. Again.
“Hey Garet? Garet? Stay with me.” Garet turned from the door, where he’d been about to go ask their father for money for ice cream in the hospital cafeteria. Now was not the time.
Garet trotted up to him. “Can we play more hospital and then get ice cream?”
Matt envied his ignorance. At six, he didn’t understand the word aneurysm—could barely pronounce it. At thirteen and a half, Matt had been the one to call emergency services when his father had been passed out on the living room couch after a night of gambling and drinking.
“Sure, kid.” Matt reached into the jumble of cars and trucks, pulling out the ambulance Garet had been obsessed with for the past week.
Too young to be allowed into the ICU to visit their mother, he amused Garet with a backpack full of toys and books he’d at least remembered to bring to keep him amused today.
Front teeth missing, Garet smiled up at him, his towhead blond bangs hanging in his eyes. “I get to be the ambillance this time and you can be the car accident.”
Frowning, Matt worried over the kid’s newfound interest in rescue vehicles, but set up the car-truck head-on collision he knew would delight his brother.
“Crash!”
“Now make the phone call.” Garet prodded him for the millionth time to reenact the moment their mom had collapsed, in a way he understood.
Numbly, Matt repeated the words the woman on the other end of the call had uttered. “911. What is your emergency?”
Garet laid down on his belly, then rolled around, mimicking his version of the victim. “I got a fire in my car and I can’t get out. Help, help!”
The woman on the phone had asked for his location, whether there was an adult in the house, and then for information about his mom who had been lying in a crumpled heap on the floor. He’d shaken his dad first, and still had the bruise on his arm from where he’d lashed out. Then, he’d run for the phone and done what Mrs. Callahan had taught them in seventh grade Health. He dialed an adult who might be able to help.
Garet, scowling with concentration, set about getting his ambulance across the long distance between the far end of the room to the piled up car and truck. Racing on all fours, he made vroom vroom woo woo woo noises and screeched to a halt next to the accident.
Looking up, he grinned so the gap in his teeth showed. “Can we get ice cream now?”
Out in the hall it was eerily quiet. Dad hadn’t begun shouting, and the doctor had disappeared.
“Sure. Stay here a minute. I’ll get some money from Dad.” As long as Matt timed it right, making sure a nurse or other adult overheard, he wouldn’t get in trouble and Dad would have to give him the money.
In the hallway, he didn’t see anyone. Only a man mopping a floor at the far end. Padding toward Mom’s room, he crept quietly, hoping for a glimpse of her. Usually, the nurses caught him and gently shooed him away, but today no one seemed to notice and he made it by the nurse’s station.
At his mother’s room, he peered around the door frame. Inside, his father sat on a chair, his head on the mattress, holding his mom’s hand. The doctor and a nurse stood by, while a man Matt didn’t recognize toggled a button on one of the machines. Everything grew eerily quiet as the machine stopped making the click-whir noises. Beeping sounds faltered, started, faltered again, and after a moment went into a flat tone. Terror crawled up Matt’s back, working its way around his chest and throat, until he couldn’t breathe.
His father’s shoulders shook, but he didn’t look up.
“Time of death, four-oh-two p.m.”
Matt held onto the door frame, willing the words the doctor said to be a joke. It had to be, because his mother couldn’t be dead. It was a lie.
“Dad!”
Lifting his head, tears streaming down his face, his father snarled, “Get the fuck out of here!”
And Matt ran, grabbing Garet and shoving the toys in the bag.
That was the last time he’d been back to County General. Until last night. Sitting in that same ICU room, with the same crappy chairs, he’d willed the outcome to be different this time. And it had been, mostly. Except for the moment when Lawson had all-but-told him to leave.
Staring out the window, he collected himself, loosening memory’s grip. In the hours before dawn, bright lights twinkled red and white, sometimes yellow, stretching to the Green Mountains where gray dawn coated the tops of the trees. He took a few deep breaths and tried to think of something besides how fucking scared he’d been for hours. Calmer, he turned back.
And saw the horror written across Lawson’s face. He’d thought Matt was walking out on him?
Shit.
Matt returned to the bed and put a hand to Lawson’s good shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
Gaze wary, Lawson jerked his chin.
Good. Now that they had that settled… “There are things to say, and I need you to just let me say them.”
Lawson shifted, winced, and tugged at his pillow, finding a more comfortable position. “I’m listening.”
“Okay… Give me a second.” Matt rubbed both hands over his face, breathing deep, and dropped his arms to his sides. “I almost lost everything last night. Do you understand that?”
“Garet—“
“Not just Garet.” Matt shook his head, emphatic, needing Lawson to stop thinking the worst of himself. Needing him to stop cutting him out of the most essential pieces of his life until it was almost too late. “Do you understand that I had to watch the two people I love wheeled through this hospital last night?”
Surprise lit Lawson’s face, widening his eyes and parting his lips. At least the emotion brought a little color back to his skin. Matt nodded to himself. Yeah. Lawson was up for it. They were doing this.
“I’m so…” He searched for words for the emotions twisting through his gut and came up with too many. “I thought you were fucking dead. Do you get that? And now you’re giving me a bullshit choice to walk away from you when you’re whole and bre
athing and… And you’re…”
Chest heaving, vision swimming, Matt choked back the words and gripped the bed rail hard, loomed over Lawson, needing something to hold onto as his world spun, all the fear and horror washing over him at once. Sniffing in a vain attempt to hold back hot tears, he spoke through gritted teeth.
“And you’re so fucking stupid for going after Ezran on your own. You only had to wait five minutes for Curtis, and…” Wringing the bar, he met Lawson’s pained gaze. “I totally get why you did it. I get it. Why you did every single thing. But I’m so angry that you didn’t think you mattered too.”
Lawson blinked rapidly, but didn’t say anything, clearly affording Matt the same courtesy he’d been given.
Breathing deep, Matt looked toward the light spilling through the powder blue hospital curtains and tried not to remember seeing Lawson as they wheeled him out of surgery. Or Garet when the doctors had rushed into the ER and started working on him in the hallway, not waiting to get him inside.
“You’re the only person…” Matt swallowed down the lump that made every word an effort, tried to get some air into his lungs. “The only person who has said you love me since my mom. If I’d lost you...”
Working his hand from under the covers, Lawson curled his fingers around Matt’s hand and tugged it down to rest with his on the thin white blanket. Using the heel of his free hand, Matt swiped at his tears.
“How could you think you matter so little to me? That I wouldn’t understand?” Searching Lawson’s gaze, Matt laughed, self-conscious. “That I would leave?”
Lawson’s thumb circled over the back of Matt’s hand, his grip and gaze soft. “I had to give you the choice.”
“Did you think I didn’t know the entire time I was letting you get me on my knees that I had a choice?” The guy in the next bay coughed and Matt lowered his voice. “That I’m an adult who is deciding to be with someone he loves?”
Lips lifting, expression quickly sobering again, Lawson nodded. “I needed to make sure.”
Hanging his head, Matt blew out a breath. They were two peas in a pod. Him always waiting for the other shoe to drop, never realizing he held the other one to the pair.
“Have you never noticed that I watch you every moment we’re together and awake and sometimes when you’re asleep?” Pulling down the bed rail, Matt sat and cupped Lawson’s cheek with his hand, full of wonder that he had the privilege of touch and trust with this man. “I’m aware of the sound of your voice in the next room and how you breathe when you’re trying not to laugh at some stupid shit Reed says.” Matt shook his head, lips lifting, and brushed dark strands from Lawson’s forehead. “I even know you run your tongue along your teeth when you’re deciding whether to lay some motherfucker low, and I know how blissed out you get over things like coffee and the smell of a nice leather flogger.” Cocking his head, he explored the dip of Lawson’s top lip and the curve of his lower with his thumb. “I notice all these things, so how could you think I wouldn’t at least know you well enough to have guessed there is a reason you’re so good at fighting—so determined to protect everyone around you?”
“Matt—“
Matt pressed his fingertips to Lawson’s lips, felt the puff of Lawson’s breath against his hand. “Gimme another minute, okay?”
Lawson nodded slightly, gaze never faltering from Matt’s, and Matt sat back, dropping his hand to cover Lawson’s wrist.
“I want to make something clear.” Curling his fingers, Matt squeezed lightly. “If you’d told me I had to leave? I’d have had Curtis chain me to you while you were sleeping. There’s no fucking way you’re getting rid of me so stop trying.”
“Matt. I can’t promise—“
“Well, I can.” Matt jerked his thumb at himself. “I can promise that I know where your lines are. And where mine are too”
Rage at Vincent rolling over him, Matt shook his head. What it had cost Lawson to speak the asshole’s name, much less relate the story of his abuse, Matt couldn’t begin to guess.
“Look. I get that last night was fucked up beyond belief, and that the gang isn’t going to let this go. What I also get is that you are not a danger to me. You never were. I can share your pain, but you’ve got to promise me something in return.”
Adam’s apple bobbing, Lawson swallowed. “Anything.”
“Stop trying to make me leave. I don’t want to go anywhere. If I die it’s going to be fighting by your side to keep this amazing, fucked-up family you’ve given me and Garet alive and happy and whole.” Leaning down, he brushed his lips against Lawson’s, pulling away a bit so he could look his man in the eyes. “And none of that means a damned thing without you. Because I love you too.”
Bringing up his good arm, Lawson brought their lips together again. One hand on the pillow, Matt steadied himself as Lawson deepened the kiss, tilting Matt’s head and controlling pressure and angle. Matt sighed, tension melting as he let Lawson take what he needed. What they both did.
A bell on the monitor dinged and Matt realized he’d been sitting on one of the leads. He shifted, coming to his senses. “You need to be careful.”
Nuzzling his ear, Lawson nipped. “Bossy, aren’t you?”
“I think I get a few free passes since you scared the crap out of me getting yourself fucking shot.” Leaning away, Matt glared at the white bandage wrapping Lawson’s upper arm. “But…” Chewing his lower lip, he met Lawson’s gaze. “You’re fucking amazing taking out all of those assholes. Even when you’re being a moron.”
Lawson’s mouth kicked up, his gaze going heavy. “You’re just racking up those points now, aren’t you boy?”
Just because he knew he could, Matt gave him a shit-eating grin. “What’cha gonna do ‘bout it, one-armed bandit?”
Growling, Lawson grabbed him around the waist and Matt controlled his fall into the bed beside him. Matt settled into the crook of Lawson’s good arm and Lawson kissed the top of his head.
“Comfortable?”
Matt nodded, breathing in Lawson’s scent.
“How’s Garet?” The question rumbled into Matt’s ear from Lawson’s chest.
Remembering his brother’s pale body connected to ten times as many tubes and wires, Matt gave an involuntary shudder. Lawson tightened his arm around Matt’s shoulders, soothing him with the brush of his fingers.
“He’s going to pull through. Doc saved his life.” Thinking of the way the man had rescued Garet filled him with no little gratitude and awe. They’d sat side-by-side in the waiting room, Doc taking the lead to ask all the right questions when the surgeons had come out.
Matt twisted to look up at Lawson. “What’s his story anyway?”
Dark lashes fanning against too-pale skin, Lawson glanced downward. “He’s ex-military. Afghanistan. I’m sure you guessed.”
“Hm.” Matt rested his hand on Lawson’s chest, trying to drown out the heartbeat monitor and just focus on the sound of his voice and his breathing. Not quite ready yet to trust Lawson wouldn’t be taken away from him. “I guess he saw a lot of intense action?”
“Yes. Though he’s never really shared that story with anyone that I’m aware.” Lawson’s heart rate increased, its rhythm evident in the monitor and its steady beat against Matt’s ear. “Did you ever find out how they got ahold of Garet and Ezran?”
“I don’t—”
“Please.” Hand stilling on Matt’s elbow, Lawson sighed. “I need to know. It’s worse imagining.”
Fabric from Lawson’s hospital gown rasped against Matt’s stubble with his nod. Far down the corridor, he heard the orderlies and nurses talking, and judged they wouldn’t be interrupted in the middle of the story.
“Okay.” Settling more comfortably, he sighed. “But you have to promise to tell Curtis you made me tell you.”
“Trust me.” Lawson tweaked Matt’s ear, a playful reminder of his control that sent warm shivers to Matt’s middle. “I don’t need any help reminding him who you belong to.”
“Cool.” He moistened his lips with the tip of his tongue, trying to decide whether to give Lawson the entire story.
“Don’t leave anything out.” Lawson tipped his chin down, and Matt knew he looked at the top of his head. “Unless you want me to add that to your tally.”
Matt drank in the gentle order, the dominance play, that wasn’t really play anymore, defining the bounds of a world that had all-too-often been out of their control.
“Ez and Garet went across the street to get a soda—they didn’t think they’d be missed.”
“Hrm.” Lawson voiced his disapproval, but relative to everything that happened, Matt knew he wasn’t angry. More disappointed and scared witless at what he probably guessed had happened next.
“Ram was there. Convinced them that you and I had gotten into some sort of car accident on our way home and were at the hospital.”
“They believed him?” Lawson voiced the question with a calm Matt knew hid a carefully controlled rage.
“Ez was panicked and not thinking straight. Garet tried to convince him to go for Reed. Curtis was at the hardware store getting bolts for the new bungie web he’s building for the—” Glancing to the curtains, Matt searched for the right word. “Game space.”
“Well that explains why he was so irritated with Reed. He should have fucking been home himself.”
“Hey.” Matt tipped his head back to look at Lawson, whose eyes had gone that glittering dark green. “You have to try to be calm or they’re gonna throw me out of here.”
Lawson jerked his head once. “Go on.”
“So…” Fisting the covers over Lawson’s middle, Matt willed himself to continue. “Garet jumped in with Ezran, not wanting to let him go alone. And Ram made good on the bounty that The Ravagers had on Garet’s head.”
“Jesus.” Lawson took a juddering breath, tightening his hold. “I’m so sorry, Matt.”
Matt firmly shook his head. “No. It’s not anyone’s fault but Ram’s. Not Curtis, not Reed, not even Ez or Garet for going to get that stupid soda. Just Ram...and the gang members he handed them over to.”
Flawed Justice Page 29