by Jean M. Auel
“I think we should put aside these questions for now,” the First interjected. “We are here for a different purpose.”
Everyone settled back down, and those who had so eagerly asked questions looked a bit embarrassed. The First dipped out a cupful of the simmering liquid and set it aside to cool. The remainder was passed around to the others, who each got some but a smaller amount. When it was cool enough to drink, the Donier gave the cup to Ayla.
“This testing could be done without this drink, using meditation, but it would take longer. The tea seems to help us relax and get in the right state of mind,” Zelandoni explained.
Ayla drank down the cup of tepid, rather foul-tasting tea and then, along with everyone else, assumed whatever pose was most conducive to meditation, and waited. Ayla was at first most interested in consciously observing how the drink was affecting her, thinking about how her stomach felt, how her breathing was affected, whether she could notice a relaxation of her arms and legs. But the effects were subtle. She didn’t notice when her mind wandered off and she found herself thinking about something entirely unrelated. She was almost surprised—if she could have felt surprise—when she became aware that the First was talking to her, in a low, soft voice.
“Are you getting sleepy, Ayla? That’s good. Just relax, let yourself feel sleepy. Very sleepy. Empty your mind and rest. Don’t think of anything, except my voice. Listen only to my voice. Let yourself be comfortable, relax, and hear only my voice,” Zelandoni droned on. “Now, tell me Ayla, where were you when you decided to go into the cave?”
“I was on top of the cliff,” Ayla began, then stopped.
“Go on, Ayla, you were on top of the cliff. What were you doing? Take your time. Just tell the whole story in your own way. There’s no hurry.”
“The Shortday was already marked; the sun had turned around and was going back, heading for winter, but I thought I’d mark a few more days. It was quite late and I was tired. I decided to stir up the fire, make a little tea. I searched in my medicine bag for the mint. It was dark, but I was feeling the knots to find the right bag. I finally found the one by the strong smell of mint. While the tea was steeping, I decided to practice saying The Mother’s Song.” Ayla began to recite the song:
Out of the darkness, the chaos of time,
The whirlwind gave birth to the Mother sublime.
She woke to Herself knowing life had great worth,
The dark empty void grieved the Great Mother Earth.
The Mother was lonely. She was the only.
“It’s my favorite of all the Legends and Histories, so I repeated it while I was drinking the tea,” Ayla said, continuing on with the next few verses.
From the dust of Her birth She created the other,
A pale shining friend, a companion, a brother.
They grew up together, learned to love and to care,
And when She was ready, they decided to pair.
Around Her he’d hover. Her pale shining lover.
She was happy at first with Her one counterpart.
Then the Mother grew restless, unsure in Her heart.
She loved Her fair friend, Her dear complement,
But something was missing, Her love was unspent.
She was the Mother. She needed another.
She dared the great void, the chaos, the dark,
To find the cold home of the life-giving spark.
The whirlwind was fearsome, the darkness complete.
Chaos was freezing, and reached for Her heat.
The Mother was brave. The danger was grave.
She drew from cold chaos the creative source,
Then conceiving within, She fled with life force.
She grew with the life that She carried inside.
And gave of Herself with love and with pride.
The Mother was bearing. Her life She was sharing.
It all seemed so clear in her mind, almost as though she were there again. “I was bearing, too, sharing my life with the growing life force inside. I felt so close to the Mother.” She smiled dreamily.
Several of the zelandonia looked at each other with some surprise, then at the First. The big woman nodded, indicating that she knew Ayla was pregnant. “And then what happened, Ayla? What happened on that cliff?”
“The moon was so big, so bright. It filled the whole sky. I felt myself drawn to it, drawn up into it,” Ayla continued, telling how she rose above the land, and how the column of rock glowed, then how she had become frightened and ran down to the Ninth Cave, then headed toward Down River and on to The River. She told how she had walked along a river, like The River but not quite the same, for a long, long time. It seemed like days and days, but the sun never shone. It was always night, lit only by the huge bright moon.
“I think Her shining lover, Her friend, was helping me to find my way,” Ayla said. “Finally I came to the Place of the Sacred Fountain. I could see the path up to the cave glowing in the light of Lumi, Her shining friend. I knew he was telling me to go that way. I started up, but the path was so long, I wondered if I was going the right way, and then suddenly, I was there. I saw the dark opening of the cave, but I was afraid to go in. Then I heard, ‘She dared the great void, the chaos, the dark’ and I knew I had to be brave, like the Mother, and brave the dark, too.”
Ayla continued her story, and the gathered zelandonia were completely enthralled. Whenever she stopped, or hesitated too long, Zelandoni encouraged her to go on in her low, soothing, unhurried voice.
“Ayla! Here, drink this!” It was Zelandoni’s voice, but it sounded so far away. “Ayla! Sit up and drink this!” The voice was commanding now. “Ayla!”
She felt herself being raised up and opened her eyes. The big familiar woman held a cup to her lips. Ayla sipped it. It made her realize she was thirsty and she drank some more. The mist was beginning to clear. She was helped to sit up, and became aware of voices around her speaking softly, but with an undertone of excitement.
“How are you feeling, Ayla?” the First asked.
“I have a little headache, and I’m still thirsty,” she said.
“This tea will make you feel better,” the Donier of the Ninth Cave said. “Have some more.”
Ayla drank it. “Now I think I have to pass water,” she said, smiling.
“There’s a night basket behind that screen,” a zelandoni said, indicating the way.
Ayla stood up, felt slightly dizzy, but it cleared.
“I think we should let her get settled,” Ayla heard the One Who Was First say. “She has been through a great deal, but I think there is little doubt she will be the next First.”
“I believe you are right,” she heard another voice say. She heard more of the zelandonia talking among themselves, but wasn’t listening anymore. What did they mean? She wasn’t sure she liked hearing them talk about “the next First.”
When she returned, the Zelandoni of the Ninth Cave asked, “Do you remember everything you told us?”
Ayla closed her eyes, frowning with concentration. “I think so,” she finally said.
“We would like to ask you some questions. Do you feel strong enough to answer, or would you like to rest longer?”
“I think I’m awake, and don’t feel tired. I would like some more tea, though. My mouth still feels dry,” Ayla said. Her cup was refilled.
“Our questions should help you to interpret your own experience,” the Donier said. “No one else really can.” Ayla nodded. “Do you know how long you were in the cave?” the First asked.
“Marthona said almost four days,” Ayla said, “but I don’t recall too much after I first came out. Some people were there waiting for me. They carried me back on a litter, and the next few days are not clear.”
“Do you think you would be able to explain some things to us?”
“I’ll try.”
“The ice walls you spoke of—if I remember correctly, you told us once of falling down into a crevasse on your way across the g
lacier. By some miracle, you landed on a ledge and Jondalar pulled you out. Is that right?” the First asked.
“Yes. He threw me a rope and told me to wrap it around my waist. He attached the other end to his horse. Racer pulled me out,” Ayla clarified.
“Few people who fall into crevasses are fortunate enough to get out. You came very close to death then. It is not uncommon for acolytes, when they are being called, to experience again those times when they were near the spirit world. Would you say that was a possible interpretation of the ice walls?” the First asked.
“Yes,” Ayla said, then looked at the large woman. “I didn’t think about it before, but that could explain some of the other things, too. I almost died crossing a flooded river on our way here, and I’m sure it was Attaroa’s face I saw. She would have killed me for sure if Wolf hadn’t saved me.”
“I’m sure that accounts for some of the visions. Though I haven’t heard the full story of your Journey here, obviously most people have,” said the visiting Zelandoni. “But what was that black void? Was it a reference to the Mother’s Song or did it have some other significance? You almost had me terrified.” There was some quiet laughter and a few smiles at her comment, but some nods of agreement as well.
“And what about the warm sea, and the creatures burrowing in the mud and in the trees? That was all very strange,” said another, “not to mention all the mammoths and reindeer, and the bison and horses.”
“One question at a time, please,” the First said. “There are many things we’d all like to know, but we are in no rush. Do you have any interpretations for those things, Ayla?”
“I don’t have to interpret, I know what they are,” Ayla said. “But I don’t understand them.”
“Well, what were they?” Zelandoni of the Third Cave asked.
“I think most people know that when I lived with the Clan, the woman who was like a mother to me was a medicine woman who taught me most of what I know about healing. She also had a daughter and we all lived at the hearth of her sibling, her brother, who was called Creb. Most people of the Clan knew Creb as The Mog-ur. A mog-ur was a man who knew the spirit world, and The Mog-ur was like the One Who Was First, the most powerful of all the mog-urs.”
“He was like a zelandoni, then,” the visiting Zelandoni said.
“In a sense. He wasn’t a healer. The medicine women are the healers, they are the ones who know healing plants and practices, but it is the mog-ur who calls upon the spirit world to aid in the healing,” Ayla explained.
“The two parts are separate? I always thought of them as inseparable,” the woman unknown to Ayla said.
“You might also be surprised to know that only men were allowed to contact the spirit world, to be mog-urs, and only women were healers, medicine women,” Ayla said.
“That is surprising.”
“I don’t know about the other mog-urs, but The Mog-ur had a special ability in the way he called upon the spirit world. He could go back to their beginnings and show others the way. He even took me back once, although he wasn’t supposed to, and I think he was very sorry that he did. He changed after that; he lost something. I wish it had never happened.”
“How did it happen?” the First asked.
“There was a root they used only for the special ceremony with all the mog-urs at the Clan Gathering. It had to be prepared a particular way, and only the medicine women of Iza’s line knew how.”
“You mean they have Summer Meetings, too?” the Zelandoni of the Eleventh asked.
“Not every summer, only once in seven years. When it was time for the Clan Gathering, Iza was sick. She couldn’t make the trip, and her daughter was not yet a woman, and the root had to be prepared by a woman, not a girl. Although I didn’t have the Clan memories, Iza had been training me to be a medicine woman. It was decided that I would have to be the one to prepare the root for the mog-urs. Iza explained how I would have to chew the root and then spit it out into a special bowl. She cautioned me not to swallow any of the juice while I was chewing. When we got to the Clan Gathering, the mog-urs were not going to allow me to make it. I was born to the Others, not to the Clan, but finally at the last moment Creb came for me and told me to prepare myself.
“I went through the ritual, but it was difficult for me and I ended up swallowing some, and I had made a little too much. Iza had told me it was too precious to be wasted, and by then I wasn’t thinking clearly. I drank what was left in the bowl so it wouldn’t go to waste, and without meaning to, I went into the cave nearby and deep inside I found the mog-urs. No woman was ever supposed to participate in the men’s ceremonies, but I was there, and had also swallowed the drink.
“I can’t really explain what happened after that, but somehow Creb knew I was there. I was falling into a deep black void; I thought I would be lost in it forever, but Creb came for me, pulled me back. I’m sure he saved my life. The people of the Clan have a special quality to their minds that we don’t, just as we have a quality that they don’t. They have memories; they can remember what their ancestors knew. They don’t really have to learn what they need to know, like we do. They only have to need to know it, or to be ‘reminded’ to remember. They can learn something new, but it’s more difficult for them.
“Their memories go back a long way. In certain circumstances they can go back to their beginnings, to a time so long ago, there were no people and the earth was different. Perhaps back to the time when the Great Earth Mother gave birth to her son and first made the land green with her birth waters. Creb had the ability to direct the other mog-urs and lead them back to those times. After he saved me, he took me with him and the other mog-urs back into the memories. If you go back far enough, we all have the same memories, and he helped me to find mine. I shared the experience with them.
“In the memories, when the earth was different, so long ago it is hard to imagine, those who came before people once lived in the depths of the ocean. When the water dried and they were stranded in the mud, they changed and learned to live on land. They changed many times after that, and with Creb, I was able to go there with them. It was not quite the same for me as it was for them, but still, I was able to go there. I saw the Ninth Cave before the Zelandonii lived there; I recognized the Falling Stone when I first arrived. And then I went someplace Creb was not able to go. He blocked out the other mog-urs so they wouldn’t know I was there, and then he told me to leave, to get out of the cave before they discovered me. He never told them I was there. I would have been killed outright if they knew, but he was never the same after that.”
There was a silence when Ayla finished. Zelandoni who was First broke the silence. “In our Histories and Legends, the Great Earth Mother gave birth to all life, and then to those like us who would remember Her. Who is to say how Doni formed us? What child remembers its life in the womb? Before it is born, a baby breathes water and struggles to breathe when first born. You have all seen and examined human life before it was fully formed, when it was expelled early. In the first stages, it does resemble a fish, and then animals. It may be she is remembering her own life in the womb, before she was born. Ayla’s interpretation of her early experience with the ones she calls the Clan does not deny the Legends or the Mother’s Song. It adds to them, explains them. But I am overwhelmed that those we have called animals for so long would have such great knowledge of the Mother, and having such knowledge in their ‘memories,’ how they could not recognize Her.”
The zelandonia were relieved. The First had managed to take what at first seemed like a basic conflict of beliefs, told by Ayla with such credible conviction that it could almost create a schism, and instead blend them together. Her interpretation added strength to their beliefs rather than tearing them apart. They could, perhaps, accept that the ones they called Flatheads were intelligent in their own way, but the zelandonia had to maintain that the beliefs of those people were still inferior to their own. The Flatheads had not recognized the Great Earth Mother.
“So it was that root that brought on the black void and the strange creatures,” Zelandoni of the Fifth said.
“It is a powerful root. When I left the Clan, I had taken some with me. I didn’t plan to; it was just in my medicine bag. After I became a Mamutoi, I told Mamut about the root and my experience with Creb in the cave. As a young man, he had once been injured while traveling and a Clan medicine woman healed him. He stayed with them for a while, learned some of their ways, and participated at least once in a ceremony with the men of the Clan. He wanted us to try the root together. I think he felt that if Creb could control it, so could he, but there are some differences between the Clan and the Others. With Mamut we did not go back into past memories; we went somewhere else. I don’t know where—it was very strange and frightening. We went through that void and almost didn’t return, but … someone … wanted us back so much, his need overpowered everything else.”
Ayla looked down at her hands. “His love was so strong … then,” she said under her breath. Only Zelandoni noticed the pain in Ayla’s eyes when she looked up. “Mamut said he would never use that root again. He said he was afraid he’d get lost in that void and never return, never find the next world. Mamut said that if I ever used that root again, I should make sure that I had strong protection or I might never return.”
“You still have some of that root?” the First was quick to ask.
“Yes. I found more in the mountains near the Sharamudoi, but I haven’t seen any since. I don’t think it grows in this region,” Ayla said.
“The root you have, is it still good? It’s been a long time since your Journey,” the large woman pressed.
“If it’s dried properly and kept out of the light, Iza told me that the root concentrates, gets stronger with age,” Ayla said. The One Who Was First nodded, more to herself than anyone.
“I got a strong impression that you felt the pain of childbirth,” the visiting Zelandoni said. “Did you ever come near death giving birth?”