by Keith Laumer
“We were at fault,” Fith said abjectly. “Now we wish only friendship.”
“The Terrific was a heavy cruiser, about twenty thousand tons.” Retief looked grimly at the slender Foreign Office official. “Where is she, Fith? I won’t settle for a hundred-ton lifeboat.”
* * * *
Fith erected his eye stalks so violently that one eye-shield fell off.
“I know nothing of…of….” He stopped. His throat vibrated rapidly as he struggled for calm.
“My government can entertain no further accusations, Mr. Consul,” he said at last. “I have been completely candid with you, I have overlooked your probing into matters not properly within your sphere of responsibility. My patience is at an end.”
“Where is that ship?” Retief rapped out. “You never learn, do you? You’re still convinced you can hide the whole thing and forget it. I’m telling you you can’t.”
“We return to the city now,” Fith said. “I can do no more.”
“You can and you will, Fith,” Retief said. “I intend to get to the truth of this matter.”
Fith spoke to Shluh in rapid Groacian. The police chief gestured to his four armed constables. They moved to ring Retief in.
Retief eyed Fith. “Don’t try it,” he said. “You’ll just get yourself in deeper.”
Fith clacked his mandibles angrily, eye stalks canted aggressively toward the Terrestrial.
“Out of deference to your diplomatic status, Terrestrial, I shall ignore your insulting remarks,” Fith said in his reedy voice. “Let us now return to the city.”
Retief looked at the four policemen. “I see your point,” he said.
Fith followed him into the car, sat rigidly at the far end of the seat.
“I advise you to remain very close to your consulate,” Fith said. “I advise you to dismiss these fancies from your mind, and to enjoy the cultural aspects of life at Groac. Especially, I should not venture out of the city, or appear overly curious about matters of concern only to the Groacian government.”
In the front seat, Shluh looked straight ahead. The loosely-sprung vehicle bobbed and swayed along the narrow highway. Retief listened to the rhythmic puffing of the motor and said nothing.
III
“Miss Meuhl,” Retief said, “I want you to listen carefully to what I’m going to tell you. I have to move rapidly now, to catch the Groaci off guard.”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Miss Meuhl snapped, her eyes sharp behind the heavy lenses.
“If you’ll listen, you may find out,” Retief said. “I have no time to waste, Miss Meuhl. They won’t be expecting an immediate move—I hope—and that may give me the latitude I need.”
“You’re still determined to make an issue of that incident!” Miss Meuhl snorted. “I really can hardly blame the Groaci. They are not a sophisticated race; they had never before met aliens.”
“You’re ready to forgive a great deal, Miss Meuhl. But it’s not what happened nine years ago I’m concerned with. It’s what’s happening now. I’ve told you that it was only a lifeboat the Groaci have hidden out. Don’t you understand the implication? That vessel couldn’t have come far. The cruiser itself must be somewhere near by. I want to know where!”
“The Groaci don’t know. They’re a very cultured, gentle people. You can do irreparable harm to the reputation of Terrestrials if you insist—”
“That’s my decision,” Retief said. “I have a job to do and we’re wasting time.” He crossed the room to his desk, opened a drawer and took out a slim-barreled needler.
“This office is being watched. Not very efficiently, if I know the Groaci. I think I can get past them all right.”
“Where are you going with…that?” Miss Meuhl stared at the needler. “What in the world—”
“The Groaci won’t waste any time destroying every piece of paper in their files relating to this thing. I have to get what I need before it’s too late. If I wait for an official Inquiry Commission, they’ll find nothing but blank smiles.”
“You’re out of your mind!” Miss Meuhl stood up, quivering with indignation. “You’re like a…a….”
“You and I are in a tight spot, Miss Meuhl. The logical next move for the Groaci is to dispose of both of us. We’re the only ones who know what happened. Fith almost did the job this afternoon, but I bluffed him out—for the moment.”
Miss Meuhl emitted a shrill laugh. “Your fantasies are getting the better of you,” she gasped. “In danger, indeed! Disposing of me! I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous.”
“Stay in this office. Close and safe-lock the door. You’ve got food and water in the dispenser. I suggest you stock up, before they shut the supply down. Don’t let anyone in, on any pretext whatever. I’ll keep in touch with you via hand-phone.”
“What are you planning to do?”
“If I don’t make it back here, transmit the sealed record of this afternoon’s conversation, along with the information I’ve given you. Beam it through on a mayday priority. Then tell the Groaci what you’ve done and sit tight. I think you’ll be all right. It won’t be easy to blast in here and anyway, they won’t make things worse by killing you. A force can be here in a week.”
“I’ll do nothing of the sort! The Groaci are very fond of me! You…Johnny-come-lately! Roughneck! Setting out to destroy—”
“Blame it on me if it will make you feel any better,” Retief said, “but don’t be fool enough to trust them.” He pulled on a cape, opened the door.
“I’ll be back in a couple of hours,” he said. Miss Meuhl stared after him silently as he closed the door.
* * * *
It was an hour before dawn when Retief keyed the combination to the safe-lock and stepped into the darkened consular office. He looked tired.
Miss Meuhl, dozing in a chair, awoke with a start. She looked at Retief, rose and snapped on a light, turned to stare.
“What in the world—Where have you been? What’s happened to your clothing?”
“I got a little dirty. Don’t worry about it.” Retief went to his desk, opened a drawer and replaced the needler.
“Where have you been?” Miss Meuhl demanded. “I stayed here—”
“I’m glad you did,” Retief said. “I hope you piled up a supply of food and water from the dispenser, too. We’ll be holed up here for a week, at least.” He jotted figures on a pad. “Warm up the official sender. I have a long transmission for Regional Headquarters.”
“Are you going to tell me where you’ve been?”
“I have a message to get off first, Miss Meuhl,” Retief said sharply. “I’ve been to the Foreign Ministry,” he added. “I’ll tell you all about it later.”
“At this hour? There’s no one there….”
“Exactly.”
Miss Meuhl gasped. “You mean you broke in? You burgled the Foreign Office?”
“That’s right,” Retief said calmly. “Now—”
“This is absolutely the end!” Miss Meuhl said. “Thank heaven I’ve already—”
“Get that sender going, woman!” Retief snapped. “This is important.”
“I’ve already done so, Mr. Retief!” Miss Meuhl said harshly. “I’ve been waiting for you to come back here….” She turned to the communicator, flipped levers. The screen snapped aglow, and a wavering long-distance image appeared.
“He’s here now,” Miss Meuhl said to the screen. She looked at Retief triumphantly.
“That’s good,” Retief said. “I don’t think the Groaci can knock us off the air, but—”
“I have done my duty, Mr. Retief,” Miss Meuhl said. “I made a full report to Regional Headquarters last night, as soon as you left this office. Any doubts I may have had as to the rightness of that decision have been completely dispelled by what you’ve just told me.”
Retief looked at her levelly. “You’ve been a busy girl, Miss Meuhl. Did you mention the six Terrestrials who were killed here?”
“That had no bearing on the matter of your wild behavior! I must say, in all my years in the Corps, I’ve never encountered a personality less suited to diplomatic work.”
* * * *
The screen crackled, the ten-second transmission lag having elapsed. “Mr. Retief,” the face on the screen said, “I am Counsellor Pardy, DSO-1, Deputy Under-secretary for the region. I have received a report on your conduct which makes it mandatory for me to relieve you administratively, vice Miss Yolanda Meuhl, DAO-9. Pending the findings of a Board of Inquiry, you will—”
Retief reached out and snapped off the communicator. The triumphant look faded from Miss Meuhl’s face.
“Why, what is the meaning—”
“If I’d listened any longer, I might have heard something I couldn’t ignore. I can’t afford that, at this moment. Listen, Miss Meuhl,” Retief went on earnestly, “I’ve found the missing cruiser.”
“You heard him relieve you!”
“I heard him say he was going to, Miss Meuhl. But until I’ve heard and acknowledged a verbal order, it has no force. If I’m wrong, he’ll get my resignation. If I’m right, that suspension would be embarrassing all around.”
“You’re defying lawful authority! I’m in charge here now.” Miss Meuhl stepped to the local communicator.
“I’m going to report this terrible thing to the Groaci at once, and offer my profound—”
“Don’t touch that screen,” Retief said. “You go sit in that corner where I can keep an eye on you. I’m going to make a sealed tape for transmission to Headquarters, along with a call for an armed task force. Then we’ll settle down to wait.”
Retief ignored Miss Meuhl’s fury as he spoke into the recorder.
The local communicator chimed. Miss Meuhl jumped up, staring at it.
“Go ahead,” Retief said. “Answer it.”
A Groacian official appeared on the screen.
“Yolanda Meuhl,” he said without preamble, “for the Foreign Minister of the Groacian Autonomy, I herewith accredit you as Terrestrial Consul to Groac, in accordance with the advices transmitted to my government direct from the Terrestrial Headquarters. As consul, you are requested to make available for questioning Mr. J. Retief, former consul, in connection with the assault on two peace keepers and illegal entry into the offices of the Ministry for Foreign Affairs.”
“Why, why,” Miss Meuhl stammered. “Yes, of course. And I do want to express my deepest regrets—”
* * * *
Retief rose, went to the communicator, assisted Miss Meuhl aside.
“Listen carefully, Fith,” he said. “Your bluff has been called. You don’t come in and we don’t come out. Your camouflage worked for nine years, but it’s all over now. I suggest you keep your heads and resist the temptation to make matters worse than they are.”
“Miss Meuhl,” Fith said, “a peace squad waits outside your consulate. It is clear you are in the hands of a dangerous lunatic. As always, the Groaci wish only friendship with the Terrestrials, but—”
“Don’t bother,” Retief said. “You know what was in those files I looked over this morning.”
Retief turned at a sound behind him. Miss Meuhl was at the door, reaching for the safe-lock release….
“Don’t!” Retief jumped—too late.
The door burst inward. A crowd of crested Groaci pressed into the room, pushed Miss Meuhl back, aimed scatter guns at Retief. Police Chief Shluh pushed forward.
“Attempt no violence, Terrestrial,” he said. “I cannot promise to restrain my men.”
“You’re violating Terrestrial territory, Shluh,” Retief said steadily. “I suggest you move back out the same way you came in.”
“I invited them here,” Miss Meuhl spoke up. “They are here at my express wish.”
“Are they? Are you sure you meant to go this far, Miss Meuhl? A squad of armed Groaci in the consulate?”
“You are the consul, Miss Yolanda Meuhl,” Shluh said. “Would it not be best if we removed this deranged person to a place of safety?”
“You’re making a serious mistake, Shluh,” Retief said.
“Yes,” Miss Meuhl said. “You’re quite right, Mr. Shluh. Please escort Mr. Retief to his quarters in this building—”
“I don’t advise you to violate my diplomatic immunity, Fith,” Retief said.
“As chief of mission,” Miss Meuhl said quickly, “I hereby waive immunity in the case of Mr. Retief.”
Shluh produced a hand recorder. “Kindly repeat your statement, Madam, officially,” he said. “I wish no question to arise later.”
“Don’t be a fool, woman,” Retief said. “Don’t you see what you’re letting yourself in for? This would be a hell of a good time for you to figure out whose side you’re on.”
“I’m on the side of common decency!”
“You’ve been taken in. These people are concealing—”
“You think all women are fools, don’t you, Mr. Retief?” She turned to the police chief and spoke into the microphone he held up.
“That’s an illegal waiver,” Retief said. “I’m consul here, whatever rumors you’ve heard. This thing’s coming out into the open, whatever you do. Don’t add violation of the Consulate to the list of Groacian atrocities.”
“Take the man,” Shluh said.
* * * *
Two tall Groaci came to Retief’s side, guns aimed at his chest.
“Determined to hang yourselves, aren’t you?” Retief said. “I hope you have sense enough not to lay a hand on this poor fool here.” He jerked a thumb at Miss Meuhl. “She doesn’t know anything. I hadn’t had time to tell her yet. She thinks you’re a band of angels.”
The cop at Retief’s side swung the butt of his scatter-gun, connected solidly with Retief’s jaw. Retief staggered against a Groacian, was caught and thrust upright, blood running down onto his shirt. Miss Meuhl yelped. Shluh barked at the guard in shrill Groacian, then turned to stare at Miss Meuhl.
“What has this man told you?”
“I—nothing. I refused to listen to his ravings.”
“He said nothing to you of some…alleged…involvement?”
“I’ve told you!” Miss Meuhl said sharply. She looked at the blood on Retief’s shirt.
“He told me nothing,” she whispered. “I swear it.”
“Let it lie, boys,” Retief said. “Before you spoil that good impression.”
Shluh looked at Miss Meuhl for a long moment. Then he turned.
“Let us go,” he said. He turned back to Miss Meuhl. “Do not leave this building until further advice,” he said.
“But…I am the Terrestrial consul!”
“For your safety, madam. The people are aroused at the beating of Groacian nationals by an…alien.”
“So long, Meuhlsie,” Retief said. “You played it real foxy.”
“You’ll…lock him in his quarters?” Miss Meuhl said.
“What is done with him is now a Groacian affair, Miss Meuhl. You yourself have withdrawn the protection of your government.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“Don’t start having second thoughts,” Retief said. “They can make you miserable.”
“I had no choice,” Miss Meuhl said. “I had to consider the best interest of the Service.”
“My mistake, I guess,” Retief said. “I was thinking of the best interests of a Terrestrial cruiser with three hundred men aboard.”
“Enough,” Shluh said. “Remove this criminal.” He gestured to the peace keepers.
“Move along,” he said to Retief. He turned to Miss Meuhl.
“A pleasure to deal with you, Madam.”
IV
Retief stood quietly in the lift, stepped out at the ground floor and followed docilely down the corridor and across the pavement to a waiting steam car.
One of the peace keepers rounded the vehicle to enter on the other side. Two stooped to climb into the front seat. Shluh gestured Retief into the back seat and got in behind him
. The others moved off on foot.
The car started up and pulled away. The cop in the front seat turned to look at Retief.
“To have some sport with it, and then to kill it,” he said.
“To have a fair trial first,” Shluh said. The car rocked and jounced, rounded a corner, puffed along between ornamented pastel facades.
“To have a trial and then to have a bit of sport,” the cop said.
“To suck the eggs in your own hill,” Retief said. “To make another stupid mistake.”
Shluh raised his short ceremonial club and cracked Retief across the temple. Retief shook his head, tensed—
The cop in the front seat beside the driver turned and rammed the barrel of his scatter-gun against Retief’s ribs.
“To make no move, outworlder,” he said. Shluh raised his club and carefully struck Retief again. He slumped.
The car swayed, rounded another corner. Retief slid over against the police chief.
“To fend this animal—” Shluh began. His weak voice was cut off short as Retief’s hand shot out, took him by the throat and snapped him down onto the floor. As the guard on Retief’s left lunged, Retief uppercut him, slamming his head against the door post. He grabbed the scatter-gun as it fell, pushed into the mandibles of the Groacian in the front seat.
“To put your popgun over the seat—carefully—and drop it,” he said.
The driver slammed on his brakes, whirled to raise his gun. Retief cracked the gun barrel against the head of the Groacian before him, then swiveled to aim it at the driver.
“To keep your eyestalks on the road,” he said. The driver grabbed at the tiller and shrank against the window, watching Retief with one eye, driving with the other.
“To gun this thing,” Retief said. “To keep moving.”
Shluh stirred on the floor. Retief put a foot on him, pressed him back. The cop beside Retief moved. Retief pushed him off the seat onto the floor.
He held the scatter-gun with one hand and mopped at the blood on his face with the other. The car bounded over the irregular surface of the road, puffing furiously.