by Kris Buendía
I start to wash the dishes, without caring if Duncan is still there. Nothing is going to happen between us. Now it's him who is trying to analyze me and shit, he is doing a great job because it is true. I am disappointed, not as much so as to not care going to bed with him tonight, because I won`t. I will not fall for his game.
“You dropped something” I turn around and I see him holding Gabe`s letter, I quickly take it out of his hand.
“Have you read it?”
“It was open but no, I haven't.”
“Good.”
“Are you ok?“ He asks worried.
“No, I`m not ok. As you can see this piece of paper has ruined my night and your lack of filter has made it worst.”
He frowns and raises one of his eyebrows looking at the letter.
“Whatever that piece of paper says its bullshit. And I don`t believe that I have made it worst, that was all your doing by giving it the importance it didn't need.
“You have no idea.”
“May I read it? So we can analyze it together bit by bit and I will let you know if its worthwhile feeling bad, leave a good glass of wine unfinished and being in a bad mood after stitching your architect neighbor’s hand.”
I think it over for a second. What must I be thinking to give him the letter and let him read it? The fact that I let him into my apartment and into my bed changes things a lot and trust skips one of them. Even though he is a complete stranger, I don't care what his reaction may be. My friends are not here and I know what each of them would say:
You are so smart.
You are so beautiful and talented.
You are the hottest woman I know.
That last thing would have been said by Moe for sure.
Giving in because I have nothing to lose, I give him the letter.
I pour myself another glass of wine and I sit back waiting for Duncan to finish reading it. He sits next to me and I pour him another glass of wine. He sure is going to need it.
I stare at the window that looks over the street. I think it over and I go to the balcony. From here the view is incredible. We have the best view of all and if suicide was on anybody’s mind, this view would for sure make them think it twice.
I know the feeling first hand. I`ve seen what getting to rock bottom does in the worst way.
My father.
Giving into the pain, the self-pity that you feel after losing the love of his life, that was my mother, and having to take care and raise a daughter still too young. But that is not me. I am not weak like my father was, I suppose that I took that strength after my Mom. As far as I know, she fought until the last days, until the tumor took her life.
I hear somebody curse, the seat being pushed and Duncan`s steps coming towards me.
“If you are thinking about jumping it's a bad idea.”
“I wasn't thinking of it.”
“So then, get away from the balcony, you are making me nervous.”
I turn on my feet and cross my arms as I look at him. I bite my lower lip and he leans on the glass door that is half open. He doesn't know what to say and, to be honest, he doesn't have to say anything. It`s a letter, with heavy ink. I wonder if he is like Keifer or like Gabe. I might never know. I would need more than a face and a gorgeous body to be able to believe in love again.
Does having a one night stand count?
I guess I will never know until it happens. And I know it will never happen.
It will never happen.
It will never happen.
It will never happen.
I say that to myself over and over again as I see him walking towards me and taking the same position as me as he leans towards the balcony.
“He is a son of a bitch.”
“I`m sorry? “ I find his expression funny.
“Your ex-husband, this guy Gabe, he is a son of a bitch. “
I sigh.
“Well, I guess I didn't know that until that day that he was not only an asshole, but a total son of a bitch.”
His husky laughter makes me tremble. I look up to see him laughing. I have finally made him truly laugh. And to think the only thing I needed to do was talk shit about Gabe, I would have done that since the first second I met him because he is really hot when he laughs.
“I don`t know you, Lana. But I don't agree with him. Maybe I will find that out one day. Or maybe not, anyways…”
“Anyways what?” He forces me to ask in order to finish his train of thought.
“ Anyways...are you going to open the suitcase?”
Of course. That was it. A part of me naively wanted my neighbor to genuinely be attracted to me one way or another. But it is clearly pathetic to think that after he has read some of my defects in my ex-husband’s letter.
“I don`t know.”
I look inside the apartment and see that the suitcase is still in the middle of the living room. Of all the things coming to mind I can't think about any of them specifically.
“Are you scared that it might be a bomb?”
Thinking about it is not funny. His imagination will be the death of him.
“It is not a bomb. He is an idiot but I don't think he is a cold blooded killer… or is he?”
Duncan`s laughter reminds me that he is playing with me. He wants to cheer me up so I open the fucking suitcase and be done with this shit.
And that is exactly what I`m going to do. I go back inside and I sit down in the floor again. But this time I am more determined than ever. Just like the letter, the suitcase can't hurt me either. Only what's inside can.
“Go on” Duncan encourages me.
The sound of the zipper tells me that I shouldn't have opened the suitcase.
As I open it and see what's inside I'm taken aback to a very painful past.
Jewelry and lingerie.
“What`s all this?“ Duncan asks me as I see him smiling fakely. Why am I not surprised? Clearly Gabe doesn`t forgive me for this part of my life and he is throwing it in my face.
“My past.”
“What does lingerie and jewelry have to do with your past?”
“A lot in fact. Coming from my ex-husband, I'm not surprised, he has always been a son of a bitch.”
“Your ex-husband? He sent you this? “ I move my head affirmatively “I'm sorry, I'm asking too many questions. If you want I can leave you alone.”
“No” I grab him by the arm as he is about to stand up “It's not necessary. In fact, I have a good story to tell you. We are not even friends so I won't feel bad if you judge me or look at me funny. You`ve already read the letter, you may as well see what's inside this suitcase. If it ends up being a bomb at least I won't feel bad by not dying alone. “
Without saying a word he sits back down. I start going through the jewelry one by one, pearls, lots of them, diamond necklaces, around five of them.
“When I came to this city it was really hard to find a decent job so I could pay my student loans, especially in my field. I told my father that I would make it alone, like he taught me. So I did, I was a lingerie model for a short while, the pay was really good and I was able to save most of it and, different to those I wore then, these ones are not fake.”
“So this idiot husband of yours realized and filed for divorce?”
I find this theory kind of funny. But it is not the case.
“No. He dumped me because he had a mistress and because our marriage was just a fazed, he was never happy with me and he confessed that he had always been unfaithful. I took only my bag the next day and started from zero. I didn't need to take anything from his house, not even clothes. My ex-husband is rubbing this in my face as a way of telling me that I've gone back to being the not so lady woman as I was before I met him. And definitely you don't want to know how I met him.
His look is now of suspicion and almost shame. “
“I was never a prostitute if that is what yo
u are thinking. I met him in the ER, just like you.”
“That’s not true” He seems offended “ We met in the club and the next day right here...in your bed.”
I giggle like nervous fool because of the dirty way he says it.
“Good point, Dr. Heart.”
The lingerie is new. In fact, it is my unused lingerie.
“Ok, I have already made sure it is not a bomb and that you are not a threat to the country, we can continue with what we were doing.”
“What do you mean? “ Now I am really confused.
“I want to fuck you.”
I open my eyes as wide as I can. Did I listen to him correctly? Or is it just my dirty thoughts about this man that are making me imagine things. No fucking way can anybody ask this to a woman they have just met. To me! I have confessed to him that I`ve been dumped, cheated on and humiliated. I don't want to think that…
“I`m not talking about pity sex or because you are vulnerable. “
“I`m not vulnerable! “ I scream at him at the same time as I stand up and get away from him a little bit. He is about to make me lose the little mind I have left right now.
“Ok, if you say so.”
“I say so! “ I scream again.
“Your cheeks are telling me that you are thinking about it. “
“No way!”
“And your anger and trembling voice also.”
“What are you, my fucking therapist? “ I grunt at him.
“What, do you have one? Because let me tell you something, you don't need it. As you don't need to say so much shit, even though it is part of your charm. “
I look at him angry and I confront him. I barely reach his chest but I am here, filling myself with the courage to not accept his bullshit proposal that has left me blushed, cornered and heated with just the thought of spending a night with him.
“You better leave my apartment. I think that it has been enough for one night. It is guys like you that only see opportunity. Opportunity to take me to bed. I am not surprised that you are single, with that body and also a fabulous carrier it is almost a sin that you are single. Unless you are a player. There you have it, you are a player.”
“Wow” I know that he is far from admiring my words. I lack filter and I send him right to hell “I hope that you feel better with all the shit you just told me. But let me make one thing clear, Lana. The fact that you run away the minute that asshole husband of yours confessed his sins doesn't make you brave, on the contrary. You were running away. You must face your shit and get over it.” He tells me in anger and I swallow mine “I don`t know you, and you don`t know me, but I don't need to be a player or a shark like you say to take you to bed. You want it, I can see. We are adults and we can do as we please. Sex, is just sex if you want it to be, I haven't asked for your love.”
“I can see that you are pretty affected by what happened to you and I am sorry. But if you want to forget it and really start from scratch you need to start by taking the ring off from your finger and change the name on your medical robe. Not all men are sharks like him. I go after what I want, and I want you in my bed so I can show you that you are nothing of the things he said about you in that letter. It won't be good, it will be the best thing that happened in your life.”
He leaves me with the words hanging in my tongue when I see him walk to the door. I`m surprised that none if his words make me feel better, on the contrary. It looks like it might be the thing I wanted to hear, except certain things, obviously. I just then felt the ring in my finger, I didn't realize I was wearing it up until then. It is so small that I barely feel it.
And my robe, well. For that I would have to start by filing for divorce.
CHAPTER
NINE
This time I didn't see him in the elevator. I was surprised when I heard him slam the door early that morning. That made me smile which is funny because it is the strangest thing I have heard a person do.
I`m the queen of strange perks, but Duncan, the architect has many more than me.
As I'm sitting in front of the computer in my office, my fingers itch in the search engine to see what I find about him.
One of my quirks is to search, search until I find something, even if the result is not good. It is a shame that I didn't search enough to realize that my marriage was a facade.
Duncan Ford.
The name I type in the architect database of the city. I am shocked that it is not a simple architect, he is an international one.
Duncan Jason Ford.
International architect, novelty cities of the new century.
Projects, creates, develops and runs.
Architect Ford, born in the 23rd of January, 1984.
American of Canadian descent, born in Toronto, Canada.
Ford is one of the contemporary architects that considers architecture an art, in the sense that once a building is done, this must be a work of art, as if it were a sculpture.
Amongst his most renowned pieces we can mention House Frank Gehry (California), Gug Museum (Bilbao, Spain), Encore Hotel (Los Angeles, California), Prex House (Prague, Czech Republic) Photographic Building (Berlin, Germany).
Shit.
He is not any architect, he is not any man either. He is practically one of the ten most famous architects in the world, including one of the youngest.
Agatha and Moe come into my office at lunch time. I can't see Dixon anywhere. This is starting to get in my nerves.
“Where`s Dixon?”
“You know” Moe says “in his office working like an ant.”
Agatha tells us about how she and her husband have started to think about having a baby. That makes me forget my problems and, along with Moe we cheer her on to do it.
Our food is interrupted when an emergency in the emergency room calls for me.
“See you later guys. “
The patient is an 87 year old that has fallen down the stairs and hit his chest with a really big rock while coming out of his house. Even though I know the chances of living after a blow like this, I don`t give up and decide to operate. The damage to one of the veins that drains the blood from the heart is the one that worries me.
“We have to operate right away the aortic dissection.”
The team prepares the OR and I get ready right away in order to save this man's life.
…
I find myself in the rooftop of the hospital. I thought that this only happened in the movies or TV series, doctors going to the rooftop when they have a bad day. When the surgery was over I just wished to be here for a few minutes.
Maybe hours.
I think I`ve been here for hours.
“Here you are.”
Dixon.
Until my best friend appears.
“I thought that you didn't want to see me. You have been avoiding me for days, it is weird to see you here. “
“I`m sorry” I hear him say and I start crying “I`m sorry about your patient.”
I shrink my shoulders. During all of the years that I`ve been a doctor this is the first time I lost a patient.
“I was so close” I tell him with my trembling voice as I wipe my tears “So close that I didn't see it coming.”
“It`s not your fault, Lana. The patient suffered a heart attack, the fall provoked it, he was not going to survive anyways, and it was a matter of hours. You gave him more time and his family was grateful.”
“The patients that suffer from dissection aortic less than half survive.” Dixon is telling me this so I don`t lose my mind and to make me understand how medicine works “And even the ones that survive have complications in the heart, brain and intestines. The man fought until his last breath, it's not your fault, and it was his time. “
“How can you say that? “ I cry “Who decides that? God? This man had a wonderful family, wife, kids and grandkids. Who could decide and take all of that away from him
? I just can't understand it. I had never lost somebody before and I…”
“Lana.”
Dixon holds me tight and I cry even more in his chest. The pain that I`m feeling is incomparable. Whatever it is, I haven't cried like this since I was a kid and my mother died. Even though I was very young to understand her death and what diseases were, I finally understand. We are here one day and the next we are not. Disease is just a ticket for a flight that you take until your destination comes.
My mother took it too soon and I feel that this man also did.
“His family was all gathered together at their house, they sang, danced and smiled. He was able to say goodbye to all of them, his family say that he saw it coming, and that he was thankful that he got to see them one last time.”
“Stop” I beg him “Please, stop. It’s not fair.”
“Why isn`t it fair, Lana? Are you thinking about your mother? Is that it? Because your mother loved you, you were her daughter, I am sure that she loved you and that she didn't want to leave you so soon, but she got to say goodbye, even though I don't know if you remember. “
My mother.
Sometimes I can remember her and I look for a photograph of her that I have. I have her eyes and her hair, my dad says I also have her personality. Dixon is right, it's not God`s fault, neither it is ours, it was just his time. Even as unfair as it is.
“Thank you.”
“You are the best gorgeous. “
“There it is again, I thought you hated me. “
“I could never hate you, why would you think that?”
I think about it for a moment, this isn't the best time for this.
“Never mind, I better go home and rest. It's been a long night. “
“Are you sure you are going to be ok? “ He asks as he kisses my forehead. “
“I will.”
I drive straight home, exhausted and with my face made a mess, I try to fix myself up a bit and smile to the doorman.
“What`s your name? “ I ask.
“You can call me Peter, Miss. “
“Lana Taynor” I present myself “I`m sorry we haven't been introduced before. “
“It is a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Taynor. “