by Kris Buendía
“Please, tell me now.”
“I think he was dumped.”
I open my eyes really wide and I course inside.
“Fuck” I express with shyness “And do you know by who?”
“No” She moves her head “But I have my suspicions. “
“Fuck” now I almost whisper.
“I think that it might be a friend from medical school, I`m not sure. Maybe the dummy rejected him and he is ashamed of telling us. “
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
This time I said it outload. It is definitely me. Or unless there somebody else that is not Agatha, because she is married.
I don't know what is worse, to have your heart broken or to be the one who breaks it.
…
Four days later, four days of running and hiding before Duncan gets out of his apartment. Four days were I've heard him slam his door. And four days in which my doorbell has rung and I haven't answered knowing it was him.
Everything is in four days, it should be some kind of record if running away form the next door temptation is concerned.
Tonight the guys and I have planned to have dinner all together at my house. I am really excited about it because I hope that Dixon will come with us. But when I call his cell there is no answer and he is not answering my texts either.
That`s it.
I rush to his office. I ignore everybody that says hi to me and I turn into a really angry bitch. I'm about to kill my best friend.
I come in without knocking and I see him sitting next to his desk with a really big pile of medicine books. He barely looks up at me when he hears me slam the door behind me.
“Hello.”
“Hello? “ I imitate his voice “I have been calling you like a mad woman, I've texted you. I thought that this would be something temporary, but no. I realize that the more time passes the more you avoid me.”
“I've needed you so I could tell you what is going on in my crazy life and, what do you think? I have been listening to the worst advice from Agatha and Moe, why? Because my best friend has gotten into his mind, overnight, that he doesn't want to be part of my craziness anymore!”
“Lana.”
“No! “ I protest, angry and with tears in my eyes “I will not allow you to do this, I can't lose you too, I have lost enough in my life already. I miss you and I need you.”
“Gorgeous…”
“I`m not finished. “
Dixon stays silent and he finds something funny in all I'm saying because he starts smiling.
I`m sorry? Is there something funny about all of this?
“No, I`m sorry.”
“You are sorry? “ I'm sure I said that screaming “I'm going to tell you who is sorry. I am! I`m sorry that I`m the one to blame for you being like this. I`m sorry that you had to fall in love with your shitty friend. I`m sorry that you have to stay away from your other friends because of me.”
Dixon is frowning and jumps up towards me and hugs me. I hug him too and I feel even worse because I feel I don't deserve it.
“Oh, you precious Lana” He rocks me gently “You are not as smart as I thought you were.”
“No, if I was I would have let you speak the other night.”
“Trust me, gorgeous. You don't want to know.”
“I already do” I answer.
“No, you don`t. It is not you who I`m in love with.”
I take a step back from him and look into his eyes. He is not in love with me? Now I don't know what to think. I`m so confused. His avoidance, the way he looks at me, everything pointed out to be that I was the person he was in love with.
“But...but…”
“But nothing. It's not you, I'm sorry. I know somebody like you would rejoice to think somebody like me would want anything other than friendship, but no. I'm afraid it's somebody else. “
Now his face changes from smiling to pain. He tries to smile but fails. Now it's me who is holding him close.
“I hate that person. Whoever she maybe. I hate her. You are the perfect man. What is she, blind?”
“Rather he is blind.”
I look at him again. Dixon has tears in his eyes. I can't believe I didn't see it before. My best friend is…
“Gay” He says as if he were reading my mind “I`m gay.”
“Since when? Shit, sorry. It`s a stupid question.
Dixon smiles pitifully. “
“Ever since I can't get it up with women.“
I squeeze my eyes because I don't know whether to cry or to laugh. I don't know how he can have a sense of humor after a confession like that.
“Is that why you`ve been distant? You think we are going to look at you differently?”
“I`ve been really busy with work actually. But yes, that true also, now that I think about it.”
“There’s no way that's going to happen! We would never look at you differently, you know us. You know we love you. We are like family.”
“That sounded twisted” He says amusingly.
My God.
“I`m really proud of you. You are wonderful, that person doesn't deserve you.”
“I`ll get over it.”
This time we don`t part from our hug.
“And, Lana?”
“Yes, babe.”
“Don`t tell the others. I`m not ready yet.”
I nod while I rest my head in his chest.
“You are wonderful.”
That is the only thing he needs to know. Him and everybody who is afraid to be honest with themselves.
CHAPTER
ELEVEN
That night, Dixon came with us for a drink to the club reluctantly. My instinct tells me to look over to the bar to see if Dr. Heart is there, but he is nowhere to be seen.
Anyways, I have to keep my distance, it's already enough that he is my neighbor. But my thoughts take me to the first time we met like water to the desert. Like I need to remember it again.
His beauty.
His sincerity.
His chivalry.
I find it hard to believe that the same man that took me home and got in my bed without touching a hair in my head, is the same man that was married and cheated on his wife.
I guess we all have secrets.
“You need to have fun.”
Dixon was the first to encourage me to go and dance with Moe, Agatha and her husband.
“I love those two” I change the subject and point to my friends “Not everybody can have fun with their spouse like that. I think I never did that with you know who. Everything was always a bit boring. But my duty as his wife was to be there. “
“Stop thinking about it. Now is your turn. You just need to be brave.”
“Like going dancing with a stranger?”
“Why not? You are just having a bit of fun. Searching for yourself.”
“And if you dance with me instead? “ I say cutely.
“You`ve dance with me all night babe, and trust me, it's been the most heterosexual thing I can do.”
I bite my lower lip and look over to the dancefloor. I really want to dance. But I am going to be myself. I need some courage and to get out of my comfort zone for a moment.
“I`m so drunk.”
And it's true. The drinks have gone to my head. But I know that this time I won't be alone and I won't be rescued. I better maintain my wits and not do anything stupid.
“Me too, I think. “
My friends smile is the cutest. He is red as a tomato and I find that amusing, it had been so long since I've seen him relaxed. I can't imagine the pressure and the load of caring that secret on his back.
Sometimes we, adults can also be scared of things.
“Since you aren't going to. I'm going to dance.”
Perfect. Dixon joins the others and I stand back finishing my drink.
The second I put my drink down a suit
stands before me and inside there's a body. One I don`t know.
“I`ve been looking at you from the bar” he tells me as he comes closer” Would you like to dance with me?”
The guys is really tall. Brown hair, brown eyes, I'm not sure, maybe they are green. He is good looking, and pretty full of himself.
I take a look at my friends and they are having the best time. So I accept his offer, and we go to the dance floor.
The tight black dress I'm wearing tonight makes me look elegant and classy. But not enough to take the stares away from me.
A new song starts and we start to move. I don't like the way he dances, but I guess that's normal since it`s the first time I`m dancing with a stranger. I know that it is normal to dance with a stranger in a club, or at least that is what I`ve heard from people who are fearless. But for me it's totally the opposite, I thought that the discomfort of the first song would go away, but when the second song finished and the third starts I just want to leave.
“I`m not done with you, sweetie.”
The rough and stiff way he took me by the waist raises all of my alarms. This was a bad idea.
“I`m tired and thirsty, it`s been nice but I have to go.”
I try to leave but he grabs me by the waist again and his hand goes down to my ass and he squeezes it.
“I said no.”
His clear eyes are stuck on me. He is lost and now I can feel something more than just drunkenness. This guy is abusive.
The palms of my hands try to get him away from me, but they seem to have the opposite effect when he tries to kiss me.
“N...No. Get off of me!”
“You are so beautiful, come on. I know you want it.”
People are staring at us and nobody helps me to get this creep off of me. I look at the guys and they are too far and can’t listen or see me. The music keeps on the rhythm and I'm desperate to escape. I don't know what the hell is going on.
“No!”
Once more I try to get him off of me, until somebody does it for me.
The impact makes me fall to the ground and people around us start spreading.
“No, is NO! She said NO, you son of a bitch!”
I get up from the ground as fast as I can and go to them. If somebody has to do something, it's me.
“Duncan! “ I scream at him, grabbing him by the arm, not letting him hit the guy again.
“I`m not done with him!”
“Stop it! “ I try to bring him towards me but it's useless. They guy laughs at him and comes back to hit him and everything gets out of control.
Dixon, Moe and Ridge run to me. Agatha grabs me by the arm and moves me away. Then the security guys arrive and do their job and break off the fight. The guys take me out from there and I lose sight of Duncan.
“Shit, Lana. Are you ok? “ Dixon asks me, as he grabs me by the waist and helps me sit down.
Agatha with Ridge give me a drink but I say no right away. The last thing I want right now is to cloud my thoughts. Duncan`s been here and acted crazy because of me. Again I've acted irresponsibly.
Moe brings me a bottle of water and I have a drink right away. When I'm a bit more relaxed I tell them what happened.
“That is the neighbor that you were talking about?” Dixon is the only one that didn't know about Duncan before. “
“Yes, that's him.”
“Well, he saved you. I like him.”
A little smile helps me to see something positive out of all of this, but that is not enough, somebody could have been hurt or even worst, and it's all my fault.
“It`s my fault, I should have encouraged you to dance with strangers. Living life is not doing stupid things” My friend takes my hand and I tell him it's not your fault.
The magic of the night is gone anyways.
Besides the craziness, I had a good time and even more because we were able to go back to the good times with the guys. I look around the club and I can't see Duncan.
“I think the security guards took him outside” Moe lets me know “But maybe you should check on him when you get home.”
He's right, but I don't know if I can. My friends look at my frightened face and I`m ashamed for it. This is not me. When I was with Gabe, he didn't even care if men looked at me desirably. He was never the jealous type and of course, nobody messed with Gabe Miller`s wife.
“I think I better go home.”
“It`s a good idea, I will take your car” Dixon offers and I accept.”
I say goodbye to the guys. Moe wants to go on partying and I don't blame him, the night is still young. Agatha and Ridge are done for the night and go home.
“Are you sure you want to stay here alone? “ Moe asks for another drink and sits back down.
“I’ll be fine, I'm just going to stay a while longer, I promise, Mom.”
“Ok.”
Once outside the club I hope to see some sign of Duncan, but I can't see him anywhere. I have to go home and make sure that he is ok, and I need to apologize, even though I don't know why.
I can't apologize for getting away from him.
Dixon walks me to my apartment door and we say goodbye with a hug.
“Are you sure you are going to be ok?”
“I will” I say as I nod and look to the side.
Duncan`s door.
“Don`t scare me like that again.“
“I won`t, drive safely.”
As soon as Dixon gets in the elevator, I take the courage I need and walk the few steps to my objective. Once in front of Duncan`s door my mind is full of thoughts. To act like her neighbor and forget about that kiss. Thank him for tonight and say goodbye with a handshake.
Hands!
Shit!
I should have taken his stitches out. I'm a terrible doctor. I hope he has gone to the hospital to have them taken out.
I curse to myself and knock the door. I don't hear anything and the door is locked.
I bet he hasn't come home yet.
I go back to my apartment and I take off my high heels. I go up to the fridge and I find Moe's gift, a bottle of white wine. A good white wine I'm sure I won't be sharing with anybody. So I take a glass and pour myself while I walk over to the first comfortable sofa I find.
I'm drunk enough, or at least that's what I think as I`m falling asleep and I hear a familiar sound, more than a sound, that is the sound of Duncan's door slamming shut. He is just a few centimeters away. Technically there is only a wall between us. He could be in the same spot as me right now.
Is he hurt?
I would never forgive myself if he is.
But I can't do anything, I can barely stay awake in the sofa. The empty glass in my hand slips and shatters in the floor into a million pieces.
Tomorrow I'll clean it.
I close my eyes and I see Duncan's face.
How can I see his face if I just closed my eyes?
Oh, shit. I'm dreaming about him.
If I`m dreaming I can do whatever I want, like to check if he is alright and even say I`m sorry, something that the real Lana would never do. She is too proud for her own good.
“Are you ok? “ He asks me and I nod. I have a stupid smile in my face, and I know that, because he frowns like there is something wrong with me.
“Y...your hand” the words role out my tongue and he shows me his hand “I need to take care of your hand, your stitches should have been taken out yesterday. I`m sorry.”
“I doubt that you can do anything in this state, you will make me lose the hand.
I laugh.
“You are funny in my dreams.”
“Funny? “ He asks laughing.
I stare at his smile. In my dreams he wears the same thing as always, an expensive dark suit, but this time it's shredded. It's because he defended me in the club and that is the last image I have of him, and I've brought it to my dreams.
; “I`m sorry” I feel I'm about to cry “I was irresponsible tonight. I`m sorry you had to fight that man and defend me. I`m sorry I can`t tell you this to your face...I tried though, I went to look for you in your apartment, but you weren't there. “
“Oh, really? “ He sits by my side and caresses my face. His hand is warm.
“You are warmer than my apartment...I'm freezing. Can we be freezing in our dreams?”
“I think so. My apartment on the other hand is really hot…”
“Take me there.”
I would never say that in real life.
“You want to go to my apartment?”
I nod yes.
“I sometimes hate my apartment, besides you spend a night here, I don't see why I can't spend a night in yours, in my dreams.”
There is a brief silence. My breathing is slow. Dreaming about him was something I didn't expect to feel so good. I hope I don't run into him when I wake up, but I'm so stubborn and I need to see him again, to know that he is ok.
That his hand is ok.
Even in my dreams, I feel like he is taking me in his arms to his bed. I'm light as a feather for him. Even in dreams he is chivalrous. I know because I see him take a pillow and try and get out of the room.
“You are in my dreams, don`t go, you can sleep here...in your bed.”
“Lana, I don`t think…”
“Don`t make me beg you, Duncan Ford, fancy architect.”
That last bit makes him laugh.
He doesn't argue anymore and gets into bed with me. I realize I'm still wearing the dress so I take it off under the sheets. I get closer to his warm body, he is wrong, his apartment is as cold as mine.
It's cold when we are alone.
“Four days, Lana” He whisper to me as I get closer and closer to him. Until I feel his breathe in my nose “Four days you've been hiding from me and I finally find you, in danger in the club. What are you playing at? Why do you expose yourself like that?”
He is scolding me, but in a really sweet way. I don't deserve it.
“You should be screaming at me.”