by Kris Buendía
“Dad…”
The door opens, interrupting me and my father's eye light up when the first thing they see are a bunch of colorful flower. I don't even know what kind because the size is ridiculous, but the worst is behind them.
Gabe.
“I`m sorry I'm late” he apologizes and places the flowers near the bed and kisses my father's forehead “how are doing, Clive?”
My father once he sees that I`m not saying anything, and because the person that just walked in is the last one I wanted to see right now, the situation couldn`t be more uncomfortable.
“I`m sorry” Gabe comes closer to me and before I can do anything he kisses my lips” I forgot to say hi to my wife.
Motherfucker!
The first thing I do is look at Duncan and he doesn't show any signs of being jealous, but his eyes say a lot of things that his mouth can't pronounce for obvious reasons. I`ve been complaining that he could be another cheater, when it's me that has only given him headaches since the first day we met.
“I`m going to get a cup of coffee” Duncan walks to the door.
“I`m coming with you” I hurry to say.
“No, stay with your father” his order leaves me unable to move and I obey “excuse me.”
I clear my throat and I fight myself to not go running from the room and killing Gabe at the same time. He still has the nerve to come here. He could have come up with some type of excuse for not showing up. But he has always showed himself as a good man, an exemplary husband and a golden senator for his state.
Of course he had to come. But he didn't have the right to kiss me. He has never been affectionate and had never mounted a spectacle in front of my father. Everything he does is just so he can get away with it and simply because he is a son of a bitch.
“The family reunited” My father says smiling.
“Dad, you should rest.”
“No way, I want to be with my daughter and my son in law. It's not every day that the two most important people in my life come to visit me. I`m sorry that it is under this circumstances.”
“Don`t say that. Gabe has to leave, his visit was going to be a short one. Duty calls.”
Now I smile. Because he better do it and do what he does best, pretend. I`m not going to allow him to get my father`s hopes up. Besides, he is not healthy and it's my duty to take care of him. He has to have at least some consideration and not be a son of a bitch. Because, even though Duncan lied to my father, I'm capable of telling him the truth as soon as he gets out of here.
“It`s true” he tells my father “I have to go. You have nothing to worry, you are in good hands. I have already paid the hospital bills and, I will send somebody to take care of you at home and help Lana. I`ve also indulged you a bit, the doctor said you must rest, and what better way to do so that in your own house Four Season`s style.”
Oh my God!
Now he means to buy my father with his money. He knows him well enough to know he is not that type of man. Also, he doesn`t need a nurse. Something tells me that it would be just a spy so he can have me surveillance.
“We are not going to need a nurse Gabe”.
“I agree” says my father “and thank you, with the flowers it was already enough Gabe, you know that I'm old for this technological and commodities stuff. With the house that my daughter gave me is more than enough.”
I love my father. And I will never forget his humility, which was the only thing I took with me when I left home. I succeeded the way I wanted to, but being the wife of a senator was too much. Even for me. And even though the house I bought for him is nothing fancy as Gabe wanted when we got married, I don't have to feel sorrow thinking that it was with his money.
“That is what I like about you Clive. Humble like your daughter.”
I`m going to throw up and I do whatever is in my power so I can get far from Gabe. He stays a few more minutes and I`m going crazy sending Duncan text messages.
Where are you?
My father takes my hand and falls sound asleep. As soon as they knock on the door is John looking for Gabe and he has no alternative but to leave.
“Be good, wife” he says malignantly.
Instead of answering, I accompany him to the door and close the door behind me. My hand goes straight to his cheek, doing a especially loud noise and catching the attention of some of the nurses that are in the hall. I get really close to his face and this time is me who speaks malignantly:
“You can try and manipulate me through my father, you can try and buy him with your money as you are used to doing and you can even pretend to be the self-denying husband as always. Want, try and pretend Gabe. But if you ever lay a hand on me again, put your filthy tongue on my mouth or try to trick my father while he is in a hospital bed, I will come at you with all the wrath and pain that you have provoked in me.”
“Respect my father and don't come close to him again. I forbid you to think of him as family and I demand you to go back where you came from. I don't need you, and you can be sure that I will pay you back every penny of my father`s medical bills. ”
Each and every one of my words is drilled into his body. He can't hurt me anymore. He already did but he won't anymore and even less hurt my father. I will not allow him to be a part of his life or mine.
“I`ll see you soon.”
He disappears out of my sight and before my knees can reach the ground because my heart is breaking into a million pieces, I`m rescued and I`m not surprised that it's by Duncan. It's what I wanted to happen.
I hold onto his arm and I cry intensely like if a faucet just burst. Pretending had never been so hard, but the fear I feel right now is not regarding Gabe, it’s about me, I`m afraid of myself and the damage that I have provoked for every day that I share the bed with that man I used to love. I never had to pretend to be strong for my father until now. When I needed him the most.
“I`m here babe.”
He caresses my hair and my tears are far from done.
“I`m…I`m sorry” I cry “I'm…so…so sorry.”
He doesn`t need to tell me anything, instead he does something that makes me think he is even more perfect. He takes a white handkerchief from somewhere and wipes away my tears and then takes it to my mouth as to erase the dirty kiss Gabe gave me.
Can this handkerchief clean the pain from my soul?
I swear on my life that I wouldn't mind crying on all of the handkerchiefs he wants.
They just need to clear it all.
CHAPTER
TWENTY ONE
Gabe didn't show up through that door again. It's been three days since my dad was discharged. I have been with him at home for three days. It's been three days since I've assumed them fact that I´m in love with Duncan and it's been three days since he left too.
He said I needed time alone with my father and I thanked him for being the grown up I couldn´t be at this moment.
As soon as we got to my father's house, I rejected the nurse Gabe had hired. I gave every ridicule thing Senator Miller had installed in the house to charity. Who the hell needs a massage chair in their living room? Definitely not my father.
When I told Duncan that I had to go back to the hospital so they could reject Gabe´s payment, he wanted to go himself and pay for it. I would be crazy if I accepted his offer to do such a thing.
And the best news ever and what I can't reject under any circumstance in the world. The divorce papers that Dorian sent to me.
The words: “irreconcilable differences” had never weighted so much in me because it was so far from the truth and what's behind this divorce. I don't know what Duncan told Dorian and the real reasons of my divorce. But I feel calm that I don't have to talk to him about that, it is already unusual enough that his brother is my lawyer. I just hope that Gabe gets them and signs them, just like I did.
“Honey, I don't want you being here taking care of your old man.
You have to go back to your husband and the hospital.”
My father has said the same thing to me every day for the past three days.
“Dad, the hospital knows everything. And don't worry about Gabe.”
“What`s going on between you and Gabe? I just saw him in the hospital and you looked upset with him. You are not a couple that spends so many days apart.“
There´s nothing going on, he has a lot of work, and you know how it is. I'm your daughter and I want you all to myself. What the problem?
I kiss his cheek but he says nothing. I first want him to recover and for Gabe to sign the papers. I don't want anything tying me to him and then I will tell him. I don't want his recovery to be interrupted by a stupid divorce with a man that is not worth it. Even though I miss Duncan like crazy and I have to conform myself with phone calls in the bathroom while I take a shower or text messages when my father is sleeping.
“I love you” I tell him ”I love you Dad.”
“I love you to, honey.”
…
Next day I get out to enjoy a little sun and fresh air in the old town of Apple Valley where I grew up. The people from back then don´t live here anymore, every face is different, the only familiar thing is my father.
That first love that cheated on me is now barely a reminiscence even though it hurt so much then. Now is merely a memory that I´ve learned to forget. One can make stupid decisions, no matter the age, everybody makes mistakes, and sometimes we drag people into them.
I sometimes appreciate what happened to me in the past. I would have never had the courage to get out of here, sometimes familiar things are enough and the unknown is scary.
I don't know what kind of person I would have become but I wouldn't have been truly happy. My place was never living in the past, even though I´ve been scared about making new ones.
There weren't any instructions that said I had to be careful when I decided to fall in love again.
I don't regret the decision I've made, even about marrying Gabe. I can't regret believing in love, or whatever Gabe was faking for me to fall in love with him. If I had seen the signs and I would have been brave enough since the first time he cheated on me, I would have done it. Maybe there is something I regret. It`s to not have waited so long. And involving him too much in my father's life.
But none of it serve anything right now.
This time I didn't run to find love, love came in an unconventional way, of sorts. And that I can't regret.
I didn't look for the warmth of another embrace, of vengeance, and I didn't act like a scorned woman either.
What I feel about Duncan is something I've never felt for somebody, and they say you only fall in love once in your life. And however ridiculous that may sound thinking it in my head, sometimes I feel that every second I'm with him, it`s like my life makes sense and that I was wrong all along living my life thinking I had everything figured out. No, Duncan can turn my world upside down in the good way. Make the difficult easy and bearable. He can say yes one day and no the next, and he knows exactly what he wants.
He has made that clear.
And me.
And I cannot wait to feel myself completely and in every way his. Without fear and without thinking too much. I hope fear doesn't stop me or make me quit on what I want.
Duncan Ford is an artist in every way. And from every angle. He doesn't have to stay, yet he does, he doesn’t have to listen and yet he does, he doesn't have to have me and yet, he has.
I fall asleep thinking of him. About his wonderful eyes and the freedom to say that he is also mine, that I can finally be with somebody that doesn't expect anything from me.
CHAPTER
TWENTY TWO
It's time to go home. I´ve never seen my father so energetic as in the past two weeks.
Two weeks!
It's been forever and I really miss Duncan, my friends and my job. I even miss the dumb sound of Duncan slamming the door.
Two weeks that have gone by flying, and I have to admit, in the last days the guys flew to visit. I almost cried when I saw them, the three of them standing in the door with their doctor´s uniforms. In that moment I felt that they were all with me and everything that is part of my life.
But not the guy that drives me wild. And all of this time we have been playing like teenagers having phone sex and writing dirty things to each other.
The thing that made me decide to not wait any longer was that I didn't receive an answer from Gabe regarding the divorce. I called him many times and he didn't answer, even when I said it was his wife on the phone, the coward gave orders to not tell anybody, not even his wife where he was.
Right now is time to go back and I feel relieved leaving my father knowing that he is better and is taking care of himself. What happened was a wakeup call for both of us. Now feeling stronger than ever I will not rest until I´m a free woman, even if I have to go looking for Gabe myself.
When I get to the apartment the first thing I want to see is Duncan`s face when he sees me at the door. I told him I was coming back next week.
Speechless!
I´m about to knock on his door or maybe open and surprise him and, as I´m about to do the first thing, I stop when I hear voices coming from inside.
“What am I supposed to do?” I hear him say, judging by his tone he is pissed about something or someone “It's not easy for me, but I accept the shitty things that come as they are. Since the beginning I knew what I was getting into, I don't need you to shove it in my face. “
“Duncan” I recognize that voice as Dorian ”This is not like what happened with Elaine. “
There is a brief silence. I feel uncomfortable when I hear they are talking about her. About his ex-wife. What does she have to do with anything? It's been a long time and the only thing I can think about is that maybe he is not over her.
Oh, no.
I´m starting to think that maybe none of what's happened has affected him because we are in different places. Then, why ask me to be his? Why want all of me? For the mere sentiment of feeling that you belong to somebody, even though there is no love from their end. That is how his marriage was, he was the only one in love, but still he might not be able to let her go even though she didn't feel the same.
“Don´t bring Elaine into this, you know that Lana will never be like her.”
“I can't believe it.”
I'm speaking out loud and I backup. I start walking to my apartment door that is three short steps away. I take a little longer because my hands are shaking. I drop my keys because of the nerves. In a matter of seconds Duncan opens his door and finds me looking at the floor at my keys.
“Babe, you are back.”
When he walks towards me I push him aside.
“Don´t come any closer Duncan.
Dorian appears from behind him and I`m dying of shame, but not as much as them that now know I was hearing them.
“How much did you hear? “ He asks.
“Enough to realize I´ll never be like your beloved Elaine.”
My sarcasm doesn't help. Having said that I realize it only makes it worse.
“Lana, it's not what you think” Duncan tries to touch me but I evade him. I take the keys from the floor and finally open the door.
And to think that to hear Duncan talk about his ex-wife was the worse, it was far from it. I can't believe what I see and I am baffled to the point that I'm speechless and, I'm not the only one.
“What the fuck…? “Duncan says.
As I go in Duncan tries to stop me. The picture of Mr. Fitz face is everywhere. I forgot to tell Duncan that he wasn't just any man, he was a philanthropist and one of the most renowned investigators in the world. I ended the pain and life of Aldus Fitz.
There is a question in big black letters that is under the pictures, and, which I ask myself, says:
CAN DEAD PEOPLE TALK?
Dea
d people can't, but I know who asked the question to themselves. Gabe Miller.
“Leave me alone” I ask both of them as they start to tare the photographs in front of me.
“Lana, you better call the police” says Dorian “the person who did this might be dangerous. This is a clear warning that somebody wants to scare you. What does this man have to do with you?”
“The police are going to ask questions” Duncan answers for me “Dorian you better go, and don't comment this to anyone. Understood?”
“Fine. If I can help with anything, don't hesitate to call me, Lana.”
I`m not going to answer that. I don`t want anybody else getting involved. As soon as Dorian leaves, Duncan starts doing the same thing as me and is tearing the photographs in the walls without taking his eyes off of me. Him staying here is making it worse, I don`t need this shit right now.
“Get out” I order him. I walk up to him and take the photos from his hands.
I wish I could turn back time and that he wouldn`t know such a dark and dangerous secret.
“Lana, don`t do this.”
“Are you disgusted by me? “ Tears start swelling up but I`m forbidding myself to cry.
“I feel disgusted about myself” he answers.
“I`ve gotten involved in your life being a married woman. I`ve been more than just honest with you, the least you can do now is do the same with me.”
The matter of the photographs is forgotten because I don`t fear anything. Gabe would have a lot of balls if he made the complaint to the police and ended my career. The only thing I can hope for after all of this is that my father won`t fall sick when my life is over because of all of this.
“Lana, sit down, let`s talk. Everything…”
“Has an explanation” I finish his sentence ”Is that it? You think everything has an explanation. I`ll give you mine: I`ve come home before so I could be with you. I didn`t count on hearing from your lips that, that woman that you still remember is something I will never be.”