by Kris Buendía
I know I`m playing with fire, but I`ll take the risk. She has a sign on her forehead that says MINE. A sign only I can see.
She will be mine, I need to taste her, I need to feel alive and ever since ours eyes met was the clearest signal that we both are after the same thing.
She is looking to be discovered, and I want to discover danger and desire at the same time.
My mission?
It’s still her.
My job?
To find out the truth.
Life cannot play me such a bad hand. Putting in my way a woman that exudes perfection, beauty and pure innocence. So after I have to discover that I have to catch her.
CHAPTER
THRITY ONE
Now its jealousy.
I`m a fucking possessive lunatic and bossy as she pointed out.
I find myself protecting her with my life and that fills me with anxiety.
Every kind of feeling I never felt for a woman. Not even for Elaine. She is not Elaine.
Elaine is not her.
She...she is Lana. Lana Taynor, the woman that is picking up my life, my thoughts and my work as head of the CIA.
I`ve called her “baby” many times and I like how my lips pronounce her name. If she runs I run and I feel when she is in danger.
What the fuck is going on right now?
We are so close to getting her. A clue, a fucking clue and everything will fit.
I`ve fucked her hard, I`ve made love to her and I`ve don both at the same time and according to her that is fine. Because it`s still me, she gives me the same and she keeps giving herself to me, knowing that I don`t deserve her breathing next to me.
I`m a fucking son a of a bitch. I know that. But I didn`t know that tasting her would be even better than alcohol. She intoxicates me with her kisses, and gives me the best dreams as long as she is in my arms.
She wanted to act like a man, and leave it clear that it would be only for the sex. One night, but that wasn`t going to be enough.
And the two requests are still hanging.
I will not fall in love with her.
She must not fall in love with me.
I resisted but I fell. When I fell she was already there to help me up.
I`m a son of a bitch.
I repeat that to myself over and over, until I can say it out loud. But I won`t need to, because she is going to call something worse when she finds out the truth.
…
“I killed somebody.”
I`ve gone through a mine field that are about to explode, She is about to explode and for the first time I`m speechless.
She wouldn`t be capable of ending someone’s life.
“I`m sorry” I say with a thin voice and trying to maintain my senses in check, I must have heard her wrongly “I find it impossible to believe something like that, I need you to explain it to me.”
I knew it. I can see her breathing going faster and faster.
“I don`t...I don`t know how…”
Her chair comes shooting out from behind her, she is reliving the moment. I can see it, it affects her so that she is about to pass out.
“Lana” I walk up to her and try to touch her “calm down, baby. Breath.”
“I...probably, I don`t know how I...I don`t know.. How…”
“I`m sure that whatever happened was an accident Lana. You couldn`t have done something like that. You are a doctor that saves lives, baby. Don`t punish yourself like that. “
She moves her head from side to side fast.
“Stop it! “ He yells.
The only thing I can do is let her scream it out. Let her hit me if she wants, but I refuse to believe that she would be able to do such a thing.
“The one that is having a hard time believing all of this is me. Starting with the fact that I just blurred that out without warning. You don`t know me and you still find it impossible to believe that somebody like me would be able to keep a secret like that. But it’s true Duncan. I killed someone. I can still hear his voice, his threat. The diagnostics was that he would die in a few months, two or three, tops four. What would you do if you had three months to live?”
Shit.
“I don`t know.”
“It`s funny that after one does find an answer to something like this.”
Nothing makes sense and I am not the only one confused here. I have researched every part of her. Every piece, every step taken. There is nothing about murder or mala praxis.
“If this person was going to die, why do you say that you killed her?”
“Because I didn`t give him the chance to live out those months. I ended his life before…he asked me to, he threaten me to do it. He threaten me that he would end my career if I didn`t finish his life before. I had to choose between his life or my career. Who does that?”
I touch her face so she looks at me. I caress her cheek wiping off a tear and I hold her close. Nothing seems to work.
“Stopping someone’s pain doesn`t make you a murderer Lana. When did this happen?”
“Three years ago. I find it curious that three years ago I was happily married and I trusted the wrong person. I couldn`t cope with it alone so I told Gabe. I never thought that he would threaten me with it. What am I supposed to do now?”
“Euthanasia is legal since last year in Washington. If that son of a bitch`s threat is real, I won`t let anything happen to you.”
“How? “ She grumbles “How can you protect me from a crime like that? Mr. Fitz threats had already taken the careers of other doctors who refused to operate on him. His heart condition was very delicate. I gave him the chance to live three more months. It was as far as he would go. But he was tired, and art of me wanted to end his pain and the other part wanted to save my career.”
Gabe and that secret. Just like hell exists Gabe will not get away with this, he will pay for every tear Lana has shed since I`ve met her.
“I don`t want Gabe to end your life too.”
“Your life is not going to end Lana. I`m not afraid of Senator Miller. And you shouldn`t fear him either. I can talk to Dorian if you want, he could help you.”
“No, no, I can`t let you get even more involved. This shouldn`t be like this, you shouldn`t be my guardian angel for everything. You are making me look bad.”
Little fool. Inside this hellhole she is still worried about me, for everybody but herself.
“That is why…”
“If you say I deserve somebody better I will gag you and then fuck you” my threat tempts me” Believe me, it`s not the punishment you want.
She know I`m not lying. Worship her that is what I should do. I don`t allow myself to do anything less.
“I don`t think you are a bad person babe. What you did was save him. We all have the right to decide when we want to stop suffering, when and how we live our lives. Not even the whole weight of the law can fog your good judgement.
“So…we are ok?”
I take her easily and I sit her in my lap. Where she belongs and fits.
“You and I… We are just getting started babe. You are still the definite one for me.”
The definite one, she has become that too. I`m going to keep repeating to myself that this is not love. We are just saving each other somehow, we don`t know.
CHAPTER
THIRTY TWO
She just left with him.
The cell phone rings and I recognize that sound, so I answer immediately.
“Ford.”
“Agent Ford. We have news, Lana Miller`s father has been sent to the hospital.”
“And you are telling me this just now?“ I complain to agent Elliot who is in charge of watching Lana`s fathers house in L.A.
“I`m sorry agent Ford, I myself called the ambulance, the man was alone in his house and I had to get in.”
“Did anybody see you?”
“No sir. 911 thinks it wa
s he who called. I`m sorry agent Ford. If I made any mistake it`s my fault.”
I take a deep breath.
“Thank you agent Elliot. You did the right thing, you`ve saved that man`s life.”
“Is there something I have to do sir?”
Even though I want to put the mission as a pretext, I see myself doing the opposite right now because I have the need to go after her.
“I need the jet.”
…
“A colleague” I rush to introduce myself to her father, lying mercilessly, but I can`t risk blowing the mission ”Dr. Miller and I work together. I`m Duncan.”
His father takes my hand.
“It`s a pleasure Duncan. You can call me Clive.”
Lana doesn`t say anything. She knows it`s the best, even though her reasons are different from mine.
A nurse walks in with the doctor to check on Mr. Taynor.
“You must be Mr. Taynor`s daughter. Mr. Taynor is stable now.”
Lana doesn`t seem to be convinced with that answer and she takes a different posture.
“Dr, I`m a cardiothoracic surgeon. I know the risks and consequences of a heart attack. My father has always been a healthy person, so, the word “stable” doesn`t leave me at ease.”
The Doctor looks at Mr. Taynor. Lana does to and it all becomes a fame of staring, because they know it has nothing to do with the word stability.
“Ok” he lowers his folder and goes on ”As time goes by, the risk of damage to the cardiac muscle goes up. Even though Mr. Taynor was lucky enough to call 911 himself before losing consciousness. He must start taking care of himself. The results of the exams show that he doesn`t and this can only bring consequences to a cardiac insufficiency.”
“And what does that mean? “ Mr. Taynor asks.
Part of me feels the pain of what is to being close to losing a father, and also what it feels to lose one.
“It means Dad that the area of the attack can be extensive and can provoke the death of more heart muscle tissue.”
A brief silence takes over the room.
My adoptive mother died of a heart attack and everything is so familiar, overwhelming that I want to run away.
“None of this will happen if you start doing what your daughter and I recommend to you. You are one lucky man, the area of the attack was not that extensive. You can realize that because you are talking to us right now, you are not showing any signs of fatigue, I see that you are doing pretty well.”
The nurse finishes and everything looks to be ok.
“In fact, the only thing I need is my daughter, doctor. He says with his heart in his hand” I feel a little dumb for suffering a heart attack when it is my daughter who heals it.
And I feel worse knowing that I can destroy hers at any moment.
“Maybe it`s time that you heal yours” the doctor says” I will leave you alone.
As soon as they leave through the door.
“Where is Gabe? “ As soon as he finishes the question, our faces change.
“Dad…”
The door opens, interrupting what Lana is about to say and Clive`s eyes get illuminated when the first thing they see are a lot of colorful flowers.
Gabe.
“I`m sorry I`m late” he excuses himself, places the flowers near the bed and kisses his forehead “How are you Clive?”
An awkward silence reigns over the room.
“I`m sorry” as soon as Gabe gets near Lana to kiss her, I want to kill him” I forgot to say hello to my wife.
Lana looks at me right away, but I show no type of reaction. Reality hits me right there and then, it reminds me to keep doing my fucking job of locking this son of a bitch that I have in front of me once and far all.
“I`m going to get some coffee” I walk to the door.
“I`m coming with you” Lana hurries to say. But at that moment her place is not with me. It`s with her father, and somehow with him too. At least this time I can accept it, but he better keep his hands away from her and his filthy mouth too, because I will forget that I`m an agent and I will become his worst nightmare, if I`m not already.
…
I`m skipping something important.
The evidence points to the same thing I already suspect. Lana is some kind of bait and Miller is the one moving the strings as he pleases.
“She is a victim” I tell Dorian. He came over to my apartment I don`t know if to lecture me or wanting to be in charge of this mission, when it is my mission.
“You don`t know that yet Duncan. The money in her account doesn`t lie, neither does the suitcase filled with jewelry that it`s in her apartment. Have you thought that there might be a little possibility that she might be guilty?”
“No…yes” I touch my face with my hands “I don`t know.”
Dorian smiles shyly. That fucking smile means that I won`t be able to win his next argument.
“You remind me of Elaine” he says “When she was assigned the mission about the Russian, she was just like you. At the beginning everything was fine and she was determined to catch him, but every time she was with him something in her changed.”
I remember.
I remember every fucking day. She accomplished the task of apprehending the objective, but she was already in love with him.
“I`m not in love Dorian and I tell you again, Lana is innocent. Don`t compare things, it`s not the same. All of this has been fucked up ever since I knew Lana was the same woman that I was attracted to since the first day I saw her. How do you think I`ve felt ever since that day?”
“Confused” he finishes.
“I`m not confused, I`m pissed. If Lana is guilty I will lock her up myself, but you know that that was never our target. She became an easy target to get close to Miller.”
He nods.
“A target that you took to bed and it became more than sex. Accept it once and for all Duncan. It`s the only way you`ll have a clear mind and be able to continue with the mission. You shouldn`t have taken the responsibility being the boss and all.”
“Don`t come at me with that shit” I grunt ” I`m not like Stoner, I won`t stay behind the desk like a sissy giving order. We are a team.”
“I know, we know, that is why Elaine wasn`t wrong when she chose you to be the boss. But now that you are in the same position as she was, and that I lived it with her, my advice is for you to start acting like the head of the CIA that you are and accept the end that is about to happen.”
I say no moving my head.
It’s been two weeks since I`ve seen Lana. She is still with her father and in these two weeks the only thing I`ve done is think about plans, and in all of them, she gets hurt.
“What am I supposed to do? It`s not easy for me, but I accept the shit for what it is. From the beginning I knew what I was getting into, you don`t have to rub it in my face.”
“Duncan. This is not like what happened to you with Elaine.”
Now I finally understand. She is not like The Professional, she is worse.
“Don`t bring Elain into this, you know that Lana will never be like her.”
Elaine never loved me like she does. Lana is unable to not give what she receive and even less to lie about who she is.
A noise outside the apartment catches our attention and I go to the door, to surprisingly find Lana has come back before time.
CHAPTER
THRITY THREE
“I don`t have words to explain it to you Lana. But you must never again feel like you are lesser than any woman.”
Lana heard part of the conversation I had with Dorian. I had the damn luck that she only heard the last of it, were pronouncing Elaine`s name triggered something inside her.
“Can you please come to my apartment with me now? I don`t want you to be here alone and I don`t know if you understand how much I`ve missed you.”
I take her hand and we wa
lk together to the main door. She stays looking at the walls and the photos are gone. They were all from Aldus Fitz, the man who she euthanized and now Gabe is sending the first threat with many many photographs.
Good thing that Dorian was here and he saw what I was trying to explain to him.
Lana is Gabe`s victim. And while Lana locked the door, and fell sound asleep, I gave Dorian and some of the security and tech guards the order to continue with the investigation of his death. Gabe is hiding something and I`m going to find out what.
“I did it while you were sleeping” I explain to her that I got rid of all the photos and I tossed them far away.
Once we are in my apartment, her anger comes back.
“What`s the matter?”
“You. Ever since I saw you I can`t get you out of my thoughts, I never thought that a man like you could be with someone like me and now that I have you standing in front of me I`m ruining everything. It`s supposed to be the other way around.”
“You haven`t ruined anything babe” I bring her close to me and I kiss her” I wish you could realize that the one that doesn`t deserve you is me.
…
“I`ve fallen in love with you.”
One should feel like the luckiest son of a bitch after hearing a beautiful woman tell them that. But on the other hand me, I`m serious, angry at myself, and even more so when I see her cry.
“Why are you crying Lana?”
She gets up ashamed and wipes away the tears with the back of her hand.
I know that look, and she is embarrassed.
“I…”
“Come here Lana.”
She is still with her back at me and the best thing is that she is naked after I made love to her, just like we like it; hard and without contemplations. She forgot who she belonged to and I reminded her of, it once again.