by Kris Buendía
I still can´t believe it.
“He thought that it wouldn´t work because he had tried it before. “
“That means that…”
“You are not a killer Lana. You don´t have to blame yourself for his death.”
Her eyes start to cry a river. I try to touch her but I resist. Taking me back to the painful reality that she is locked up here because of me. But this will all soon be over.
“I will get you out of here” I am sure of it as I live and breathe.
“No” She denies with a lot of pain, as accepting the truth of her reality. Apart from her being here, she is much stronger than me.
We look at each other for a couple of minutes fixated on one another, she doesn´t want me to look for the truth anymore. She doesn´t want to see me ever again. Those answers that I waited for since the first day I saw her, I don´t wait for them anymore.
We were wrong, but we didn´t know that this was the cruelest way.
I walk to the door, and then I hear her say:
“If you dare get me out of here” I don´t dare look at her right now “If you get me out of here Duncan. If you realize that I´m innocent of what you are accusing me of, I don´t want to hear your explanations. Those that you haven´t told me yet, and that I´m not waiting for anymore, but it won´t change the pain that you´ve caused me, and the way that you have mocked me. “
“Lana, I …”
“Get out of my fucking sight, agent Ford. There is a cell waiting for me.”
Once I leave the interrogation room they all stare at me with pity, with fear of what they might say or do. They can tell that I am a son of a bitch, I can take it.
“Agent Ford” Agent Norbury tells me “Everything is ready to capture Gabe Miller. He has agreed to meet with the buyers.”
Fucking son of a bitch, you will fall in a few moments.
“Good job, agent.”
Miller was such an idiot as to let his guard down once, his trap of framing Lana won`t work for the FBI and CIA. You will need more than money and a suitcase filled with jewelry to blame somebody. And he didn`t count on his right hand man, John Burrel, would be the one that would give us the last piece of the puzzle.
Senator Gabe Miller traffics with jewelry and is responsible for more than a dozen villages being enslaved to get them. As his political position and also being a respected W.DC. Senator, he needed the perfect victim to hide his money and blame in the end.
Lana Taynor, his ex”wife.
The millions and millions of dollars that were in her bank account had been transferred from another account.
John Burrel, his right hand man. Once he was betrayed and learned that he would too be charged for the crimes, he decided to confess and collaborate with a false buy done by undercover CIA agents.
A perfect plan.
A stupid decision and easy to make.
Every day that Lana has been here, according to her, locked up, it has been part of my plan. One I created to protect her. I protected her from him, but not from me or my lies.
Now it`s already too late to regret it, I must get ready to end this mission, that has come to bamboozled my heart too.
…
The exchange will be in one of the casinos were Miller usually does his charity games. That is where agent Norbury will come into action, while the rest of us will be ready with our weapons in case he tries to run.
“Target in sight” the sniper lets me know.
“Let him talk first” I order him “We don`t want your encounter to be obvious.”
“Roger that agent Ford.”
Gabe Miller walks in with John, who is carrying a suitcase full of money, but also a microphone so we can listen in to everything.
“Sir Disick” Miller recognizes him and extends his hand” I hope you`ve had a pleasant trip. The best room in the casino is waiting for you once we finish the buy.
“Senator Miller” agent Norbury comes into action” It`s an offer I won`t be able to refuse.
They babble a bit and John shows him the money. The security of the casino has been substituted by CIA agents. That is why Miller feels confident in doing the transaction in broad daylight. And as John assured us, it will be an exchange that won`t take long, because the deal is made in Africa, and the money is charged in places like this, hundreds of kilometers away from there. Two places, two different exchanges. Here in the US is where the money comes in and in Africa is where the blood diamonds are delivered.
“I want to see the money” the agent demands “just as I let you appreciate my babies.”
Good work. Agent Norbury has everything under control. John is serene and we are waiting for his signal, while Miller doesn`t erase that fucking smile off of his face.
“Sure” says Miller, and turns to John “Show him the money, John and let’s get this over with, I have an important meeting in the White House.”
Son of a bitch
As soon as John opens the suitcase, that is our signal.
“What the fuck is this!? “ Miller screams once he sees what`s inside.
Bundles of fake dollars with his face on them.
Agent Norbury is the first to point a gun at him and John puts his arms up in surrender.
“WHAT DID YOU JUST DO!? “ He screams at him out of his mind.
When he tries to run away, every agent that was near him, pretending to play, point guns at him.
That is when I walk up to him and I look him dead in the eyes.
“You? “ He spits out “What the fuck does all of this mean?”
“We are the CIA” I signal around me “And this is what you get for insulting our country.”
Agent Norbury takes him under custody and he can`t resist. We`ve got him.
“Senator Miller, you are under arrest for the crimes of international gemstone trafficking and treason…”
“NO! “ He screams resisting “I`M GOING TO KILL YOU! I`LL KILL YOU!”
“And threats” I add “I recommend that you remain silence so you can listen to your rights.”
“I know my fucking rights, idiot” he answers” This is a mistake, I`m innocent. It was Lana! She is the guilty bitch! …”
My fist goes right to his stomach, not letting him talk about my woman anymore.
“The only thing she is guilty of is marrying you” I say angrily “take him away.”
“YOU ARE HER LOVER” he screams as he is being taken away “ I`M INNOCENT!”
Dorian`s hand touches my shoulder. I thought that after getting him the pain and anguish would go, but no.
“Nice work boss.”
“No. You guys did a good job.”
Without my team I wouldn`t have been able to do this. That is why I`m on every mission with them.
“What is going to happen to Burrel?”
“He might get a reduction on his sentence because he helped us.”
We start walking outside from the casino and the only thing in my mind is Lana. I don`t deserve to ask about her, but just as if Dorian was reading my mind, he tells me before we get in the van:
“She is gone” I look down and look at my feet “And she left you this.”
He hands me a piece of paper all creased into a ball.
“How was she? “ I ask anyway.
Dorian thinks for a second if he should tell me or not. Nothing that he can say will make me feel better. For that, I need to erase everything I`ve done this whole time. Something impossible to do.
“Her reaction was very sad, she didn`t say anything. She just thanked us. I thought she was going to hit me or something. But she just said thanks, for saving her father`s life.”
“Did you tell her?”
He nods affirmatively. ”
“I had to tell her. She deserves to know that we are not the bad guys. And that you were just doing your job.”
“Being a l
ying son of a bitch with her was never part of my job, and it wasn`t part of yours either.”
I find it hard to believe that her smile is gone for good. That the Lana I knew, I helped destroy too.
“Sometimes we are” He pads me in the back and I get in the van.
The paper is still in my hand and I squeeze it as if I could feel her fingers in it. I decide to extend it and something falls to my feet. I pick it up and I can see that it is the heart shaped brooch I gave her.
I didn`t know she wore it. I thought she had it in the hospital, as she once told me.
I look at the piece of paper and I see something written on it.
I know of people that are stone, stumble and path.
You were all of them. The stone that I always wish I would trip over to. The stumble that I didn`t care if it hurt, if at the end you were going to be near me, at the other side of the door or at the other side of the wall. The path I though didn`t exist.
Do you know which one is it?
That one that you get lost in, even though you have the instructions written down.
I never expected to understand you, and even less judge you, I settled in what I thought was important. Loving you. It`s always good to love.
I give you back my heart. My heart doesn`t need fixing, because I don`t have one anymore that can be fixed.
And I owe it to you.
Be brave Duncan Ford.
Lana.
The letter becomes a ball inside my hand. That is how I wish I could hold my heart.
Epilogue
I don`t remember when was the last time I saw my father so happy. Sometimes I think that everyone is exaggerating their smiles, or maybe it`s me that has stopped doing it.
I`ve only been capable of eating and sleeping ever since the CIA let me go and they told me I was innocent.
I didn`t lose my job.
I didn`t lose my friends either, who are right now listening to my father`s crazy stories. They came all the way here to surprise me today. And boy was I surprised, because I didn`t remember that it was my twenty ninth birthday.
But the pain in my chest doesn`t let me enjoy the little things.
It`s been four months since I haven`t heard anything from Duncan, and it still feels like it was yesterday. I can even hear him slam his door from here.
His scent.
The color of his eyes.
His smile.
It`s not that I hate him, but I don`t want to see him, even though I cry many nights hoping to see him at my door, just leaning in the frame.
I miss a lot of things, but not him. Not that Duncan that I met last time I saw him. I even miss the grumpy neighbor that called me crazy but not the agent that gave the order to point a gun to my head.
“Come here Lana” Agatha calls me “Dixon has some news, and you know how he gets.”
“I`ll be right there.”
Having my best friends and for them not to be arguing among themselves gives me great joy and even more if good news are involved.
I haven`t heard those in a long time.
“I`m here.”
We are all in the garden, my father is enjoying their company and mine, I didn`t want to get back to Washington right away. This four months have been wonderful and we have been able to talk about a lot of things. At first he felt guilty that I felt forced to lie to him about Gabe, but it was a decision I made cowardly, so I wouldn`t have to deal with it.
Regarding my supposed colleague. My father suspected from the moment he saw him that he was lying. But he didn`t say anything.
“Nobody has looked at you like that before” he told me” It`s the way I looked at your mother, with love and desire in his eyes.
Despite everything, he doesn`t hate him for what he made me go through. Everybody tells me that he was just doing his job. Well, I didn`t know that being an idiot scoundrel was part of being a CIA agent.
It`s not the first time that something like this happens. Dorian told me, his sense of humor was real, and he was determined to be my friend in the distance and tell me many stories about him and his wife.
I come back to reality when Dixon finally speaks.
“I`m getting married” he announces.
“What? “ I ask.
“Congratulations” says my father.
I`m still confused. Dixon hasn`t gone out with somebody in a long time and the last person clearly rejected him.
I don`t want to think that my friend hid a relationship from me because he thought it would make me sad.
“Moe is the only one that doesn`t seem to be happy about the news” says Agatha “Come on Moe, the fact that you are not gay doesn`t mean you can`t be happy for him.”
“I am” he defends himself.
“Dixon” I tell him still shocked “Since when have you been seeing somebody? My God! I`m excited or angry, I don`t know.”
We all laugh at once.
“It`s being going on for a few months, but we haven`t decided the date yet.”
My friend gets blushed and Agatha is still harassing Moe.
“Say something you idiot” he scolds him happily “I thought you were over this.”
“In fact” Moe stands up and a smile gets drawn in his face “we could pick the month of June to get married honey.”
“HONEY!?“ Now we are all screaming and asking things at the same time. But as soon as we see Moe walk over to Dixon and give him a big kiss in the lips, I just want to kill them both.
“NOOOOOO! “ Agatha starts to cry “It`s you!”
I`m still in shock.
“It`s always been him” Dixon confesses.
Like a movie, everything starts to make sense. Their fights, and when I thought that Dixon was avoiding me because I thought he was in love with me. It wasn`t me, it was the group, especially Moe.
I can`t believe Moe is gay and he never said anything.
“He rejected me the first time because he couldn`t accept himself as he was” Moe`s face has no explanation. I can see the tranquility in his eyes, and how happy he is.
I`m also happy. And I realize I`m smiling again.
It`s all because of love.
“Congratulations” I tell them with tears of joy in my eyes “I am very lucky to have you both, all of you, your happiness is also mine, and as long as you are ok, I will be ok.”
With a melancholy group hug I close the bad memories, and as I close my eyes, I feel I can forgive and accept everything that is happening and that has happened in my life, in order to be happy.
Duncan
My father has heard every word. He always does, I come here every time I feel alone, and that is pretty often.
“I didn`t raise you to be a scoundrel.”
I role my eyes.
“It`s not literal Dad.”
“I know” he laughs” I`m not an idiot.
“I didn`t say you were, sir.”
He touches my shoulder and sighs.
“She has every right to hate you. But you must never hate yourself. Hating yourself will not allow you to fix things. There is already enough hate in the world for you to do it as well, don’t you thing?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes you do D.J” he calls me the same way he did when he first adopted me” Prisons are to punish. Don`t punish yourself. You didn`t commit any crimes when protecting the woman you loved. They are stubborn, I know that.
He looks up, remembering my mother and his wife.
“I don`t know what I should do Dad.”
A strong blow to the head makes me react. It always works.
“Hey! “ I laugh touching the back of my head.
“Stop behaving like a proud agent, and be the agent you promised you`d be. You must go after that girl and make her your woman. Don`t let her go this time. And please do me the favor of introducing her to me, I have some thi
ngs to tell her about you.”
I can`t believe that my father is so sure that Lana is going to be willing to forgive me.
“And what if she doesn`t forgive me?”
“Then you come back and we play cards again. I don`t care if you start crying like a sissy for losing another woman you love. Life goes on D.J. and this happens to you because you are an idiot.”
He has a point there.
And she knew it from day one. An idiot, and she fell in love with this idiot.
She never judged me, she told me in her note.
The only thing she did was love me.
And some way, I did the same with more intensity.
…
I open my eyes because I smell something familiar. It`s not a strange thing to dream about it every second. But when I open my eyes and I see him at the edge of the bed, my expression is so big that it lacks sound.
“What are you doing here?”
I knew I`d see him again, I just didn`t expect it to be so soon. A little over four months? Of course not, it`s a long time. But I`m not going to tell him that.
“We need to talk.”
I missed that voice.
My tears have gone dry a long time ago and besides, I refuse to look weak in his eyes.
“I have nothing to talk to you about.”
When I try to get out of bed Duncan grabs my hand and doesn`t let me. He starts looking down and he looks like he is about to cry when he puts his hands in my belly.
“I love you.”
My hand goes up as a reflex and I want to hit him, but I don`t. My hand stays suspended in the air without knowing what to do. If he had told me something like that while I was in that interrogation room I don`t know what I would have done. I would have fought with him. I would have given him the chance to be honest with me and tell me that all of this was part of his plan, and that I was never a target as a criminal for them.
“Did you hear me?”
“Why are you torturing me? “ I feel pain in my words when I close my eyes.
“Please. Why didn`t you tell me you were pregnant?”