by Shen, L. J.
Tears began to slide down my cheeks.
I was worried Cruz was going to stop, but he didn’t.
Cruz kissed each and every one of them, sliding in and out of me, not because of his own pleasure, I suspected, but because he knew if we stopped, I’d feel like a complete failure and couldn’t face him or myself anymore.
“I’m sorry.” He kissed my nose, and I believed him.
“So sorry.” He kissed the side of my jaw.
“Terribly sorry.”
But then after the first few minutes, it became pretty good. Not insanely good. I was still much more comfortable with Cruz Costello eating me out than coming dangerously close to putting a baby in me.
But still, A for effort and B+ for the way it made me feel. Full and fuzzy and sated.
I didn’t come, but I came close.
He did, and just as he promised, as soon as he knew his boys were swimming north, he pulled out, gave himself a few yanks with the condom still on, and found his release inside it.
Afterwards, we just stared at his ceiling silently. His arm was flung under my shoulders. Annie Hall was playing on mute on the TV in front of us. I was torn between crying and picking a fight with him.
I did neither.
Instead, I tugged at the curly blond hairs on his chest and murmured into his armpit, “Will it be okay if I spend the night here?”
He kissed my hair, but he didn’t answer.
I took that as a yes.
The next six days were unexpected bliss, full of quality time with Bear during the days and scorching hot nights with Cruz.
Our families did a lot of things together, but I managed to bail out of most of them, citing the fact that I wasn’t the one the Costellos truly needed to get to know and I had a teenage son who didn’t find bridge and golf too entertaining.
(That part was a lie. I mean, it wasn’t, Bear didn’t find bridge and golf entertaining. But he was with Landon most days, leaving me to work on my tan and read whatever books Trinity had brought along with her.)
Since Bear was still rooming with Mamaw and Papaw, I had the stateroom all to myself. I still made sure to always visit Cruz for our sexcapades.
Our families blindly trusted Cruz’s virtue (and sanity) to not want to touch me, so no one could have guessed how much time we were spending together. Especially when they still all thought he was with the perfect Gabby. Not even when it became apparent neither of us ever went to any of the meetups for after-dinner drinks.
I did suspect Catherine had an inkling.
She tried to corner me one time after dinner and casually asked me if I knew Gabriella, whom she referred to as her future daughter-in-law, even though any sane person could tell you the name Gabriella Costello simply had too many L’s in it.
“She’s my sister’s maid of honor,” I’d replied dryly, taking a sip of my iced tea.
“How interesting. One would think Trinity would have chosen you.”
I’d shrugged. “Trinity’s entitled to her decisions. Either way, I’m pretty sure Gabriella and Cruz broke up.”
I’d said that to remind her I wasn’t threatened, even though I really was. Not because I had any ideas about dating Cruz.
“I’m sure they’ll get back together. He cares about her so very deeply.”
“He sure does, ma’am.”
I wanted to tell her that it was not true. That it was me he cared about. That in another world, another time, we could’ve been a couple.
If I hadn’t throat-punched him.
If I hadn’t gone out with his best friend when really, it was him I was pining for, like the rest of the town.
I was such a cliché. Loving Cruz Costello was like having a Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise poster on your wall in the nineties.
Even though I hadn’t packed any of the clothes Cruz had bought for me and insistently dressed in my own stuff, I toned it down for the sake of Bear and gave my hair a break from the spray and my nails a vacation from the acrylic.
Sure, Mom and Dad were their usual selves toward me, and Trinity was a real pain, running after Catherine Costello the entire time, sucking up to her, cooing over every pair of earrings, shoes, or caftan she put on.
But overall, I had a good time. So when our trip came to an end, a big chunk of my happiness stayed on that ship.
As soon as we were poured back to earth and concrete, the two families got into logistics mode.
“Honey, Wyatt and Trinity are renting a car. They can drive you and Bear home. You don’t mind, do you, Wyatt?” My dad turned to him.
Wyatt, who had a bratty, almost childish pout, a dashing face but none of the charm and charisma his brother possessed, kicked a stone in the parking lot. “It’s a bit of a detour, but anything for my sis-in-law and Bear.”
Yeah. He definitely lacked something in the magnetism department.
“I’ll give them a ride,” Cruz volunteered.
“Oh, Cruzy, there is really no need.” Catherine put her hand on his arm. “We can drive them back. I’m sure you want to stop at the clinic before you get home.”
“Multitasking is my forte.” Cruz walked over to Bear and me, and my heart leaped like a fish out of water.
Every time he’d been nice and sweet to me publicly, butterflies wreaked havoc inside me. I didn’t know why. He was nice and sweet to everyone.
Probably because he was nice and sweet to everyone.
Cruz picked up my suitcase, carrying it toward his Audi.
Mrs. Costello said noooooo in slow-mo.
“Shotgun!” Bear fist-bumped the air.
Cruz chuckled. “Maybe next time, son.”
Son.
The idea of anyone calling Bear that made me want to cry. Then again, everything made me want to cry when I was next to Cruz.
This is good, I told myself. That means you don’t truly like him. No love story starts with ‘she couldn’t help but want to bawl every time he was in the same room…’
“That’s nice of you.” I offered Cruz a polite smile, like we hadn’t ridden each other’s genitals and faces three times a night every night for the past seven days.
I couldn’t quite bring myself to thank him.
I didn’t know why.
It just felt crucial to me to come off as a woman who didn’t need him and didn’t take much interest in him, either. None of the needy, overenthusiastic variety he was used to dealing with.
The drive back to the bungalow passed pleasantly, with Cruz and Bear talking about video games and me staring out the window, watching the landscape slide by, and forcing myself not to pretend we were a small but happy family unit.
I’d spent so many years not allowing myself to fantasize, that starting to do so with someone who was both within reach and so far away was a bulletproof recipe for a mental breakdown.
I had to guard my life.
My heart.
And most of all, my panties.
No more babies, Tennessee Turner. You’re getting out of this town in a few short years, not deepening those roots.
When we pulled up in front of my rickety house, Cruz cut the engine and turned to Bear.
“Mind if I have a private word with your mother?”
“You’re not going to be mean to her, are you?” Bear’s hand halted on the door handle in the backseat. He looked between both of us, acutely protective of me.
My heart lurched.
“Scout’s honor.” Cruz lifted up two fingers.
I liked how he didn’t call Bear buddy or pal like Wyatt did. In a patronizing way I found irksome.
Bear nodded, and Cruz extended his hand to offer him a fist bump, which Bear reciprocated.
“You sure you’re gonna let me play in your game room?” Bear asked again, skeptically.
“And order us some pizza. Send me a text. I’ll let you know when I’m free.”
This conversation definitely shouldn’t have made my panties melt, but it did.
“I’ll be right in, Care Bear.�
��
“’Kay, Mom.”
Bear exited the car, rounding it to pop the trunk open and take out our suitcases.
Cruz turned to me. “I want to see you this weekend.”
“You see me every week.”
Play it cool. Play it cool.
“Don’t be cute.”
“I’m not being cute, I’m being a practical person. Whatever happened to you not wanting me to tarnish your name with my reputation and me not wanting to get on my family’s last nerve?”
Cruz opened his mouth to answer, but a rap on the passenger window made me jump in my seat. I rolled it down to find Bear’s thunderous frown staring down at me.
I’d never seen him so openly mad. Bear was the chillest kid on planet Earth.
“What’s going on?”
“He’s here.”
“Who’s he?”
Bear jerked his chin toward our front door.
I whipped my head to find Rob sitting on the stair leading up to our porch. He stood up when he saw that we’d noticed him, offering a lame, uncertain wave in our direction.
He looked a little better than he had the first time he came over about three weeks ago. The cast was gone now, and he was freshly shaved and sporting a suit.
“Cruz?” Rob’s face brightened, and he momentarily forgot he’d come here for the family he left behind. “Holy shit, man. Costello?”
“Rob!” Cruz put on his I’m-on-a-horse, Old Spice-handsome smile and slipped outside his car, rushing toward Rob.
The two men did the whole clap-on-the-back hug thing and laughed, circling each other, aging backward as they spoke. I didn’t know what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t this.
Cruz hadn’t spoken about Rob fondly—or at all—during the cruise. After a while, I’d naturally assumed he was Team Tennessee.
“Aw, Uncle Cruz is friends with this creeper.” Bear snapped me out of my reverie, opening the passenger door for me and helping me out.
I felt seasick.
I couldn’t believe Cruz gave Rob such a warm welcome after everything we’d shared these past ten days.
“Please stop calling him Uncle Cruz. He is not your uncle.”
“Is that what we’re focusing on right now?” Bear wheeled both our suitcases to our door, sulking.
“Let me do the speaking when we get there,” I told him.
“Why? He was a jerk to me, too, remember?”
“Trust me, I do, but this needs to be handled with subtlety.”
“Mom, you and subtlety can’t even coexist in the same universe.”
My stomach felt like someone had filled it with stones before I even reached the threshold of my door.
Bear was right beside me, and when Rob took him in for the first time—this carbon copy of himself when he was thirteen—he stumbled backward from the impact. As if Bear’s face alone wounded him in some way.
“Jesus Christ.” He put his hand over his mouth. His eyes were two, bright green moons.
“Yup.” Bear popped the P, completely disregarding my request that he wouldn’t speak. “It’s called genetics, Dad. Look it up on the internet.”
“I’m sorry I called, Bear. I just…” Rob was trying to find the right words.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Bear let out a metallic laugh. “Be sorry you haven’t been here for thirteen years, jackass. See you on the flip side. I’ll be inside if you need me, Mom.”
With that, Bear kissed my cheek, pushed the screen door open, and stormed in with our suitcases.
I’d never loved that kid more.
I turned to Rob with a scowl. “I cannot believe you called him.”
Though, actually, I could. What else could I expect from a selfish, narcissitic bas…card?
“You left me no choice,” Rob said pliantly, his shoulders sagging. “You wouldn’t take any of my calls.”
“I ought to sue you.” Sue, strangle, shoot, whatever.
“I have the right to see him,” Rob reminded me sensibly.
Cruz stood next to Rob, like a useless albeit beautiful houseplant.
“How was your cruise?” Rob tried diversion as a strategy.
Great, I rode your best friend.
“None of your business.” I gritted my teeth. “This is the last unannounced visit you ever pay me, you got that, Gussman?”
“I worked on your front yard while you weren’t here. And wrote you a check. I’m going to start paying child support from now on. Here.” Rob reached into his pocket, fishing out a crumpled piece of paper.
I took it, tore it in front of his eyes, and made a show of throwing the shreds in the air like confetti, thinking it wasn’t as pleasant as people made it look like in the movies, since I really did need the money and also would now need to clean up the mess of paper bits afterwards.
“You’ll pay me child support. But the court will decide what sum you’re going to pay and it’s all going to be official. We’re not pretending you’re doing me any favors.” And, because I hated that Cruz was watching this entire ordeal, I turned to my spring fling. “Well? You had your show for today. Thank you for the ride. Why don’t you go along to your clinic now, Dr. Costello?”
Cruz’s eyes darkened. I knew I was being needlessly mouthy, but I had no other choice.
I couldn’t show weakness and I wasn’t ready to show our…whatever this connection was or was going to be. Not until we’d figured it out better.
“Catch you later, Rob.” Cruz clapped my ex-boyfriend’s shoulder before getting off of my front porch, ignoring my existence.
It was just Rob and I now.
“I’m not going to give up, Nessy.”
I wanted to physically recoil from the nickname. To pick it up like it was an inanimate object and hurl it back at him.
“I’m not asking you to, and it’s Tennessee now.”
Or at least, I wanted it to be.
I liked the way Cruz used my given name.
“Let me talk to him. But don’t ever bypass me again. I mean it, Rob. You messed it up. Now you’re going to play by our rules.”
“Fair,” he said. “I’m sorry again. It was a bad night. I didn’t know y’all left for a cruise. Only found out after the fact. I thought that you…that you just took him from me and ran.”
I bristled. “I’d never do that.”
Unless I won the lottery, but he needn’t know that. And I could see how it may have sort of—okay totally—looked that way.
“Yeah. I know that now. My mother filled me in on the Costello-Turner cruise. He’s a good-looking kid. Looks like me when I was his age.”
“The arrogance of you to think you were that beautiful or innocent.”
“Come on, you know it’s true.”
But no matter how much I wanted to want to stab Rob to death, it was hard when he ultimately gave me the best gift of all, my child, and it seemed like he was genuinely eager to get to know Bear now.
And he had done the yard… demonstrating willingness to put in more effort than writing a check.
Plus, I couldn’t let my personal history impact Bear’s choices to get to know his family—maybe even his other grandparents—and gaining more loved ones in the long run.
“Let me talk to Bear. I’ll ease him into the idea of finding out more about you, but I’m warning you right now, Robert, I’m not going to pressure him. If he is not open to the idea, you’re going to have to give him room to breathe until he comes around.” I lifted one finger in the air in warning.
Rob nodded. “Is there anything I can buy him? Anything that he particularly wants?”
I thought about the Assassin’s Creed game. I shook my head.
“Bear is not bribable.”
“Good kid.”
“Yeah, no thanks to you. Don’t look so proud.”
“Can I ask you something off-topic?” Rob scratched the side of his jaw, a gesture that brought back fond memories that made me want to be sick.
I wondered
how many people already knew he was back in town and who the woman he’d decide to date would be now he was home.
“No,” I said flatly. “The only topic you and I have in common is Bear.”
But Rob went ahead, anyway.
“Is there anything going on between you and Costello?”
I let out a laugh, shook my head, turned my back, and slammed my door in his face.
I wish.
Later that evening, Bear and I were flung on the couch in front of a reality TV show where celebrities were stuck on an island, eating worms and uncooked rice, drinking raindrops to survive, while fighting one another about existential threats like hair extensions or who really had butt implants.
“What do you think about giving your dad a chance to explain himself?” I asked casually, passing Bear a bowl of freshly made popcorn.
Bear buried his hand in the bowl and tossed a handful of it into his mouth.
“I think it’s never going to happen.”
“Never is a strong word.”
“It’s an accurate one, too.”
I thought about it for a moment.
My feelings were torn.
A part of me wanted to protect Bear at all costs, to make sure he wasn’t going to be disappointed if Rob decided to up and leave in the next few months, or even years from now. After all, the man hadn’t shown a terrific track record with his life choices.
On the other hand, I couldn’t bear the idea of preventing my son from having a male figure in his life—his own father, no less. I didn’t want to deprive him of anything. He deserved to have two loving parents, and Rob claimed he was a changed man.
“You know,” I said, crushing a piece of popcorn in the bowl between my fingers. “When your father and I first met, everyone thought he was going to become a professional football player. He was a rabid Panthers fan. He had a football with all of the players’ signatures. All of them. And he kept it in a cold, dry place in his garage so the signatures wouldn’t fade. He once told me he wanted to give the football to his son. I’d thought it was such a sweet thing to say.”
Bear looked at me like I’d peed in his popcorn bowl, before rolling his eyes.
“I don’t even like football.” I opened my mouth to say something, but before I could, he stood up and shook his head. “And I don’t like jerks, either. So this doesn’t bode well for him. If you let people walk all over you, you’re giving them the power to hurt you. Good news is, Dr. Costello is off the hook even though they’re friends, but only because I want to play Assassin’s Creed real bad. Good night, Mom.”Tennessee