by Shen, L. J.
Although maybe that pain was also due to the fact I polished off an entire bottle of whiskey.
Maybe.
After I had dropped Tennessee off at her parents’ house the previous night and zipped through her street straight to the Duggars’, I cooed at newborn Bella, gave her a quick checkup, and went back home, where I’d promptly tried to drink myself to death.
I regretted the day I’d told Trinity I could give her older sister a ride to the port for our cruise.
And definitely the days that followed, in which I’d thought it would be a good idea to kiss her, taste her, bury myself deep inside her sweet, tantalizing body, and weave plans on how to make her mine.
One thing was for certain—if Rob ended up winning her over, he was going to have an eternity of tantrums and insecurities to deal with, so good luck with that.
“Cruz? Oh, Cruzyyyy?” I heard a shrill voice under my bedroom window.
Gabriella.
Frankly, a visit from the Grim Reaper would have been more welcome, but I had a bone to pick with her. I unpeeled myself from my bed, cursing every aching muscle in my body as I wobbled down the stairs in a white, wrinkled shirt and a pair of unbuttoned jeans.
I tossed the door open offhandedly, knocking back the very little that was left of the whiskey from the previous night.
“Hello, Gabriella.”
She was back to looking like a modern maiden, big curls, perfect makeup, and a demure dress.
My destiny. Yay.
To marry a woman as boring and one-dimensional as this carbon copy of every main character in a cable television show I’d ever not-watched.
“Cruz,” she fussed, dragging her claws across my chest. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
“That so?” I asked flatly. “Care to tell me what for?”
“Well, Nessy told Trinity that you and she broke it off. She’s trying to get on her family’s right side, I suppose, after what she did to me…”
I almost laughed. Tennessee had used our broken relationship as an excuse to claim martyrdom.
“And what exactly did she do to you?” I drawled.
“Oh, haven’t you heard?” She soldiered into my house, uninvited, straight to the kitchen, and flipped the coffee machine on. “She tried to kill me. Put peanuts in my sundae. Frankly, I knew she had a few loose screws ever since I first met her, but honestly, I didn’t—”
“She didn’t try to kill you, and we both know that.” I grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl and peeled it, shoving the entire thing into my mouth.
“You weren’t there.” Gabriella’s spine stiffened as she went about pouring each of us a cup. “It was horrible. I’m so lucky my mother found my EpiPen…”
“You don’t usually carry your EpiPen with you.” I knew that because I berated her for it when we were together for half a second. “Why’d you have it yesterday?”
She turned around, handing me a cup of coffee and taking a seat at my dining table. I remained standing. She made a show of shyly blowing her coffee.
“I don’t know.” She looked genuinely surprised by my question and her answer.
Since Gabriella was not a good actress, I was pretty sure she wasn’t lying.
“You don’t know how the EpiPen got in your purse?” I raised an eyebrow.
“No.”
“Interesting.”
“Maybe I just put it there, since you kept telling me to.”
“You’d have remembered.”
“What are you insinuating?” Her expression darkened, and she put her coffee cup down.
“What are you overlooking?” I retorted.
She swallowed. She looked wrecked by what we both agreed, wordlessly, had happened.
“You need to fix this,” I said gently. “To tell the police.”
“I will.”
I shook my head and took a seat opposite her.
“Look, Gabriella, here’s the thing. You’re a great catch, but the truth is, when we first met, I wasn’t looking for anything serious. We started dating because we knew people expected us to. And it spun out of control. The night before the cruise, when I broke things off, I did so because I wanted to be a free agent once I was on the ship. Sleazy, but true. And you were right—it did have something to do with Tennessee. I always had a thing for her, and deep down, I knew the cruise was the perfect opportunity to catch her attention.”
I didn’t know this to be true until I’d said it, but now that I had, it all made sense.
“And you did.” Gabriella did her best to hide her distaste as the words left her mouth.
I saluted her with my cup, taking a sip.
“Correct. So this whole love triangle that came after the cruise? It was never a triangle. I was always a sucker for that maddening woman. I couldn’t say no to her if I tried. Possibly even if she’d come to me, fully knocked up by my best friend, and asked me to marry her when she was sixteen.”
The truth of my statement filled my veins with hot, white anger. I hated that I’d lost her. But that didn’t mean I should lie to Gabriella. Or myself.
I’d loved Tennessee Turner from the minute I laid eyes on her.
From the first moment I’d seen her at the nursery, and she simply shone brighter than everyone else.
And the worst thing, perhaps, was the fact that I knew Tennessee was wrong. Weak. Spineless in front of her family. A complete pushover.
…and I still loved her.
Despite her weaknesses.
And, goddammit, because of them, too.
“You really love her.” Gabriella heaved a deep sigh, plopping her chin on her fist.
“Unfortunately.”
“Well, can’t say I haven’t tried.”
“You gave it your best shot, and you came closer than the rest.”
She stood up, looking around her, as if saying goodbye to everything. Knowing it was probably going to be the last time she was going to see the inside of this place.
“Your mother is going to be disappointed.” She smiled tiredly.
“My mother is perpetually disappointed.” I stood up, walking her to the door. “Besides, I’m counting on your best friend to bless her with a grandchild sooner rather than later to keep her off my case for a while.”
After I closed the door behind Gabriella, I covered the door with my frame, closing my eyes, willing the headache to dispel.
Goddammit, Tennessee.
For the next day, I couldn’t eat.
I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t drink.
All I did was think about Cruz.
Only this time (ah-ha!) I did something about it, too.
I sent him dozens of texts, starting the day after he dropped me off at my parents’ house after posting my bail.
Tennessee: I’m really sorry.
Tennessee: Can’t we just stay a secret for a few more days? Weeks? Months?
Tennessee: I’m doing you a favor, you know. No one wants to publicly claim me. I’m like…like…an STD! Gonorrhea, if you would.
Tennessee: Remember Mrs. Warren? I miss her, sometimes. But only because she reminds me of you.
Tennessee: Ugh. That sounded so much better in my head.
After the door had closed behind me and I had to face my family on my own, I knew I’d made the wrong decision.
I didn’t want to be around any of them. They made me feel horrible—stupid, reckless, and unequipped. I wanted to be around Cruz, who always valued my opinions, my words, and my wishes.
My mother had yelled that she couldn’t believe I’d tried to kill someone and wondered aloud how many Hail Marys I should say in church next Sunday—if I could set foot in the place ever again without burning up in flames.
My dad said he’d suffered a great deal of embarrassment from having his daughter arrested, wanted to let me rot in jail, but did mention that the evidence against me was very weak.
And Trinity flat-out refused to look at me. She stayed upstairs the entire time,
opting not to come down, probably because she didn’t want to hit me again in front of my son.
Bear was the only one who was supportive about it. He gave me a big hug (a bear hug, if you would) and told me that he believed me. It was a sad state of affairs that the only person in the household who took my word was the one I also delivered out of my vagina.
As it stood, though, I didn’t have much of my family’s support—if at all—in addition to losing Cruz.
Which was why I was already in a particularly sour mood when I found out I was put on a temporary leave.
“Just until everything clears up and it all blows over.” Jerry sighed on the other line as I made lunch for Bear.
“But I didn’t do anything wrong,” I answered through gritted teeth.
I didn’t want to beg for this job, but I didn’t want my electricity to be cut off, either.
“I know that, honey pie. Everyone knows it. Which is why I expect to call you back as soon as next week.”
“You expect me to just sit around and wait for you?” I waved my fist in the air, even though he couldn’t see it.
“Yes,” Jerry said simply. Unapologetically. “Look, no one else in this town is going to hire you right now.”
Too tired to bargain with him, I hung up and finished making the veggie casserole and salad. When the food was ready, I flopped on the couch and screamed into one of the throws.
Weirdly, I cared more about losing Cruz than my job.
“Mom?” I heard a few minutes later—or maybe hours—and realized I’d fallen asleep.
I rubbed my eyes, swinging my legs from the sofa and standing up. Bear was kicking off his sneakers by the door, looking sweaty and happy.
“Care Bear! Food’s ready. Help me set the table.” I was already on my way to the kitchen, pretending all was well in the world.
“Don’t worry about food. I bumped into Cruz on my way back from school. He was on his lunch break, so he bought me tacos.”
I froze mid-step, turning on my heel to look at him.
“You hung out with Cruz?”
“Yeah.” He scrunched his nose, moving into the kitchen and pouring himself a glass of water. “Sorry. I know you two broke up or whatever. But, like, it’s cool to be friends with him still, right?”
“Of course.” I recovered, plastering a smile over my face.
I wished Cruz being there for Bear was a sign he still wanted me. Unfortunately, knowing Cruz, he was just being his usual, perfect self. A painful notion I couldn’t name stabbed at me.
Cruz and Bear genuinely liked each other.
“Mom?”
“Hmm?”
“Are you all right?”
“Of course, Care Bear! Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Uhm, because you’re crying?”
“I am?” I patted my cheeks quickly, horrified to realize that they were, indeed, wet. It didn’t help my self-pity that not one member of my family had dropped by to check how I was doing. “Well, must be seasonal allergies. Let me go wash my face real quick, honey. I’ll be right back.”
When I came back, Bear was sitting at the kitchen table, clutching his phone, looking guilty.
“What’s up?” I asked breezily. I pulled a sleeve of cookies from the pantry and dumped it between us, getting out a carton of milk and plopping beside him. “Why are you looking at me funny?”
Bear’s face contorted. “Well, I kind of did something behind your back.”
“Please don’t let ‘something’ be a girl. I’m too young to be a grandmother.”
Bear’s eyes widened, and he shook his head frantically. “Jesus, Mom, no. Not even in the same realm.”
“Right. Hit me with it, then.”
“I called Rob.”
“You did? When? And why would I be mad? I am happy you two are connecting.” I pulled two cookies from the sleeve, shoving them into my mouth.
“Well, that’s the thing. I called him so he could come here. Right now.”
I opened my mouth to tell my son he was grounded until the age of nineteen when the doorbell chimed. Bear hurried to answer the door. A second later, Rob was in my kitchen.
“Hi, Nessy.”
“Peasant.”
“I come bearing gifts.”
“Are they the monthly checks for the past thirteen years? Because I’m grateful for the last three, but you have some serious catching up to do.”
He sat next to me, plopping a huge bucket of popcorn to the center of the table. I saw by the red-and-white stripes that it was from the local arcade.
I was trash for this popcorn. It was the greasiest, most unhealthy thing on planet Earth, and I could not resist it for the life of me.
The fact that he’d remembered my favorite snack from when we were dating made my stomach turn to mush, and a piercing zing of nostalgia ran through me.
“Hmm, popcorn. That’s almost as good as the checks.” I buried my hand in the carton.
Bear took some, too.
“I called Rob here because I feel like you should talk to a grown-up, and I’m just not… I don’t know, good for the job.” Bear stood up, looking between us. “So I’m going to go wait in my room, and after you guys are done, Rob, I want you to buy me the new Assassin’s Creed.”
“Only if your mom’s okay with that.”
Rob swung his gaze to me. I gave a quick nod. I normally liked to read about a video game online to see just how violent it was before purchasing it (spoiler: they’re all violent), but in my current mental state, I would let Bear watch MMA with little to no resistance.
“Great.” Bear gathered more popcorn—as much as he could fit into his fists—and evacuated the kitchen, leaving Rob and me alone.
“So…” I drank straight from the milk carton—one of the rarest joys of becoming an adult and paying your own rent. “I guess you know about my little jail stint. You were there to take care of Bear when I was inside.”
“I also know it’s not you who did it,” Rob said curtly, opening his hand in a gesture to ask for the milk.
I passed it to him.
He drank straight from the carton, too.
“Well, my parents and sister don’t.”
“They’ve always been…hard on you.”
“Oh? What makes you say that?” I nibbled on the popcorn.
“Well, remember when you told them about us, and your mother said no daughter of hers would be underage and pregnant under her roof? Your dad had to convince her not to kick you out.”
Huh.
I’d forgotten about that. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I’d been wronged very deeply and very continuously by my family throughout the years.
“Right,” I said. “I remember.”
“But that’s not why you’re down.” Rob tilted his head. “You’re used to your family, and you’re used to this town treating you as a punching bag. So why don’t you tell me what it is?”
“Cruz and I broke up,” I admitted, dropping the rest of the popcorn back into its bowl.
I couldn’t taste a thing, anyway, I was so depressed.
“You did.” Rob sat back in his seat, lacing his fingers behind his head. “Why?”
“He wanted me to move in with him.”
“The bastard,” Rob drawled.
“It’s not like that. He knew my parents and sister would lose it.”
“And that’d be their problem, not yours,” Rob surprised me by saying.
“It’s still very early. And I don’t know if he is that serious about me.”
“Oh, he is serious about you.” Rob chuckled. “Too damn serious. He still holds a grudge from that time we rock-paper-scissored it for who was going to ask you out, and he won, and I still asked you out.”
“That happened?” My mouth became instantly dry, and I snapped into attention.
Rob nodded slowly. “Yeah. I was a dickbag in my youth.”
“No kidding.”
“Point is, whatever he has for you is
not fleeting. When I came back and found out he was still single, not one part of me was surprised to hear it. I always figured he’d take over from where I left things. Things had turned sour between him and me after you and I started dating.”
“He spotted for us the first—and last time we had sex,” I reminded him.
“Yeah.” Rob rubbed the stubble on his jaw. “I think that was the final nail in the coffin. After that, we’d just pretended to still be cool with each other. He never recovered from that.”
I felt so overwhelmed with emotions, with nostalgia, with sweet memories and painful love for Cruz, I could hardly breathe.
Rob leaned forward across the table, grabbing my hand in his and squeezing. He kept his eyes on mine the entire time.
“I’m so sorry I left you the way I did. But I’m back now, and you can count on me for anything. If you need money for rent, someone to take over when you’re overwhelmed…anything. I know we won’t be together anymore, but I can still be Bear’s dad. Now, why don’t you go over to Lover Boy and tell him how you feel? I have a video game to buy for my son.”
I pressed the pad of my finger to the table to catch grains of popcorn, flicking them back into the bucket. “I think I need to give him a second to cool down.”
“That, or you’re afraid he is not going to take you back.”
I felt myself blushing. “I’m not good with rejection.”
“Can’t blame you. It sucks. Whenever you’re ready, though, just say the word and I’ll drop in to entertain Bear while you’re trying to win Cruz over.”
Tears prickled my eyes.
“Sheet, Rob, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m glad you’re back.”
“Glad to be back, baby.”
The next day, I dropped Bear off at school after kissing him goodbye and drove to Cruz’s clinic.
It was still early, so I managed to catch a sight of my sister, who hadn’t spoken to me since Peanut Gate, making her way into the clinic and opening up. I didn’t even think of talking to her.
I was too scared.
Cruz joined her shortly thereafter. I thought about getting out of the car and trying to talk to him, but then a stream of patients flooded in, and I figured he didn’t have time to deal with our mess.