by Jayne Frost
But he just stared at me without an ounce of contrition.
“Miles…please…” My voice wobbled as I tried to pry the bottle from his hold. “I know you’re upset. But you can’t drink.”
He tightened his grip; the warmth seeping from his gaze. “That’s where you’re wrong. It’s my house. And I can do whatever I want.”
The words stung like a slap across the cheek, and I jerked back. “M-Miles…”
Jaw clenched, he tipped forward, so close I could smell the whiskey on his breath.
“You don’t know me, Gelsey. Not really. So stop trying to fix me. I can’t be fixed.”
Shaking my head, I laid my palm flat over his heart. “No.”
It was all I had. One tiny little word.
He blinked at me. And when his hand covered mine, I thought maybe I’d gotten through. But then he released me like my touch was something he couldn’t abide.
Hauling to his feet, he stumbled over to the sound system, and after a moment of fiddling, a Damaged song floated over the air.
Alter Ego.
“This is me, baby. Like it or not. And if not…well…” Gesturing to the door with the neck of the bottle, he shrugged. “You can always get the fuck out.”
Tears burned my eyes, and everything turned soft and shiny. But I wouldn’t let him see me cry.
“Is that what you want?” On my feet now, I pulled my shoulders back. “Say it.”
He stared at the floor, the only sign that he was bothered at all. “Yeah. That’s exactly what I want.”
“Drink this.”
I wiped my nose on the sleeve of my T-shirt, then reached for the glass Shannon offered with trembling fingers. “What is it?”
She flopped down next to me on her couch—my bed for the night—and propped her feet on the coffee table. “Merlot.” Shaking my head, I tried to hand it back. But she was having none of it. “Drink.”
If she knew what I’d just witnessed in Miles’s studio, she wouldn’t be trying to ply me with alcohol. But I couldn’t tell her.
I trusted Shannon with my life, but there’s no way I’d risk outing Miles like that.
If she told anyone. Even in passing.
Shuddering at the thought, I choked down a sip of the wine. “Ugh. This is awful.”
Rolling her eyes, she confiscated my glass. “How would you know? You don’t even drink.”
I didn’t drink. But my boyfriend did. To excess, apparently. And why was I surprised? Miles’s history of substance abuse wasn’t a secret. Nor was his time in rehab. Or his overdose.
You don’t know me, Gelsey.
The words stung even more because they were true. I didn’t know that Miles. We’d never been introduced.
Until tonight.
Fresh tears welled, and my heart sank into greater despair.
Stupid girl.
Shannon took a large gulp, then pressed the goblet back into my hand. Resigned, I took another sip. I’d drink battery acid if it meant I could take a breath without hurting.
“Can I say something without you thinking I’m not being supportive?” she asked, curling a strand of my hair around her finger.
I nodded into my next swig of Merlot. It wasn’t quite as bitter, and the warmth was starting to make everything a bit more bearable.
“You’ve never had a relationship, Gels.”
My narrowed gaze shot to hers. “Your point?”
Looping an arm around my shoulder, she pulled me close. “People fight. Say horrible things to each other. Just last week I told Brian that I hoped a colony of fire ants would attack his balls.”
Horrified, I tipped back and peered up at her.
“What?” she asked, like she couldn’t understand the alarm that was surely etched on my features. “I didn’t mean it. I like his balls. But not at the time. And he’s said some nasty shit to me too. It doesn’t mean we don’t love each other.”
Love wasn’t the problem between Miles and me. The fact that he couldn’t look me in the eye when he told me to leave proved that.
He loved me. In a place way down deep.
Just like my father.
But that didn’t mean that either of them wanted me around.
Shannon let out a little gasp when I dissolved into tears. “Aww…sweetie.” She swiped at my cheeks. “Just forget I said anything. I didn’t mean to upset you any more than you already are.”
I shook my head. “You didn’t. I just…I don’t understand why people…”
Leave. I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Because then it would be true.
Miles was gone. Out of my life. And tomorrow after I picked up my stuff, I might never see him again.
He’d be here, and I’d be in New York. Someday, he might get married. And I’d have to read about it in the papers.
Doubling over, I clutched my stomach, unable to hold back the sobs.
“It’s all right,” Shannon soothed, rubbing small circles on my back.
Only it wasn’t. And from the way it felt right now, it might never be again.
Miles
My bedroom door swung open, and in walked Emily, carrying a cup of coffee and a bottle of pain relievers. I was too engrossed with the scene playing out on my iPad to acknowledge her with more than a nod. Which didn’t go over well.
Whatever.
Ignoring the little huff she let out when she placed the goodies on my nightstand, I hoped she’d get the point and just go.
No such luck.
“So, you’re spying now?” she asked, her tone as sardonic as her smile.
I darted my coldest glare in her direction, the one that said: tread lightly, the life you save could be your own, but didn’t answer.
She responded with an equally scathing fuck you very much; I’ll take my chances kind of glare and parked a hand on her hip.
“It’s my house,” I bit out, my stomach twisting when I realized I’d used the same line on Gelsey yesterday. “So I’m not spying.”
I was totally spying.
Returning my attention to the screen, I ground my back teeth into dust as I watched Daryl help Gelsey load the last of her belongings into the ancient Honda Civic.
I’d specifically told the leaner to get rid of that piece of shit. It wasn’t safe.
But somehow, between last night when Gelsey had stormed out and this afternoon when she’d shown up at the front door, ringing the bell like she was a guest, the car had ended up back in my garage.
I knew it was Daryl’s way of trying to get me to come downstairs. To deal with the mess I’d made.
But I couldn’t.
If I got within five feet of Gelsey, I’d cave. And all my good intentions would fly right out the window.
So I’d told Emily to give her the note I’d penned early this morning, fashioned into an origami camellia. Another pretty, worthless thing to add to her collection. This time with words.
And then I’d watched as Gelsey laid the paper flower on the passenger seat of her car. So gently. Like it was priceless.
She’d made no move to unfold the design and read the note. Maybe she never would. And my apology would stay locked within the creases. My last I love you.
And I did love her. So fucking much I’d set her free.
Emily shifted her feet, her gaze slicing into me like a sharp blade.
“You’re just going to let her go?”
Let her go…
That was the plan. But it seemed impossible when she carried the biggest piece of me in her pocket. The one I’d thought had died so many years ago.
But I couldn’t risk Gelsey getting caught up in the storm when it made landfall again. And it would. Someday. Just like it had for Blake.
He and I lived under the same sky. Filled with ominous clouds just waiting to destroy. While Gelsey existed in pillows of white fluff and endless blue.
“Yep.”
My finger hovered over the button on my screen to cut the video feed as Daryl loaded the last bag into
Gelsey’s trunk. She hugged him, then slid behind the wheel.
Look at me, baby. One last time.
I sent the plea out into the cosmos. Calling on whatever magic still existed between us. As if she could hear me, Gelsey lifted her big blue eyes to the camera.
I love you.
She must’ve heard that too, because she smiled. A sad little smile full of regret.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I didn’t care that Emily could see the tears leaking from the corners. Drowning me. And when my lids fluttered open a moment later, Gelsey was gone.
Gelsey
I stood just outside the security gate at Austin Bergstrom, chewing nervously on my lip while I fingered the edge of my freshly minted passport.
“Ticket to Ride” floated through the tiny speakers in my earbuds, drowning out the last sounds of home.
The Beatles. Miles had even ruined that for me. I couldn’t listen to the songs I loved without thinking of him.
But he didn’t deserve my thoughts. Or even one minute of my time.
I wanted to kick myself for holding out even the tiniest bit of hope that he hadn’t turned his back on us. I’d kept that sprig alive, drowning the seedling with tears and praying it would grow.
But Miles hadn’t even cared enough to say goodbye when I went to his house yesterday to pick up my stuff.
Instead, he’d sent Emily with a paper flower. A note. Rejection scribbled across pretty petals.
My heart rate spiked as I gripped the body of my tote bag where his offering was now encased in a small piece of Tupperware.
I might not be able to read it. But I wanted it with me. Preserved and uncrushed.
And I hated myself for that weakness. Also, for the panic attack I was barely holding at bay. Everything inside me screamed to turn back. To hide out at Shannon’s instead of getting on the plane.
My throat burned from swallowing tears. Better than my eyes, though. I couldn’t let Ivan know what I was thinking. He’d be so disappointed.
Slanting my gaze up to his, I smiled. But he was distracted, shifting his feet and looking anywhere but at me.
Maybe I was keeping him from something?
I turned off the music and tugged his sleeve. Our eyes met, and I made an awkward gesture to the terminal. “I can wait inside if you need to go.”
His brow creased with something I couldn’t name. “We still have…” He glanced at his watch and frowned. “Twenty-two minutes.”
His face fell, causing my heart to clench.
“What’s wrong?” I choked out, sure that it had to be monumental.
My gaze was everywhere at once, only coming to rest on his when he stroked a hand down my hair. The arctic blue calmed me, and I could breathe again when he smiled.
“I will miss you, dorogaya moya. That is all. I am so proud of you.”
The sob clawed its way north and I fought to keep it in. But lost the battle when he kissed my forehead.
“I don’t…k-know if I can do it,” I said to the ground, since I couldn’t look at him. “What if I want…t-to stay…h-here?”
Strong arms wrapped around me, holding me up when my knees went weak.
“I would love nothing more than for you to never leave,” he said softly.
Shocked, I tipped back and blinked up at him. “Wh-what?”
He brushed a lock of hair behind my ear. “You think this is easy for me?” He shook his head. “I have dreaded the thought of this day since you were this big.”
He held his hand to his waist.
“But you must go,” he continued, his eyes shining faintly. “If you do not like it, you come home. But you must try.”
My stomach sank. Because he was right. Like always. I had to get on the plane. And start a new life. The one I was born to lead. Though, nothing sounded worse.
Sniffling, I nodded. “Okay.”
An announcement boomed, directing all passengers for my flight to the gate for boarding. I squared my shoulders, but before I could pull away, Ivan framed my face with his large hands.
“I love you, dorogaya moya.”
Tears spilled onto my cheeks, and he swiped them away with his thumbs. After placing one final kiss on my forehead, he rested a palm on the small of my back and urged me into the security line.
And when his hand fell away, taking all the warmth and safety with it, I was more alone than I’d ever been in my life.
Miles
Dr. Sheppard stood next to the open door of the meeting room where group therapy was about to commence.
“Miles,” he said with a placid smile, dipping his head to catch my eyes under the baseball cap pulled low on my brow.
“Satan,” I grunted as I slid past, denying him my gaze.
The doc had me over a barrel with this therapy bullshit, but that didn’t mean I’d be playing along. I was here for Blake. And that was it.
After the kid had gotten out of the hospital, his parents had put him back under Sheppard’s care at Millwood for the foreseeable future. But Blake had decided to take a stand. Refusing to participate in the communal gut-dumping sessions unless I was here.
Which made things really tense, since I was pissed as hell at Sheppard.
The dark clouds had rolled in after Gelsey had left town a week and a half ago, like I knew they would. Murky and gray and unwelcome, they blanketed the sky with despair.
Everything was darker without her. She not only took the sun, but all the color, leaving me to ponder life in a black-and-white world.
It sounded so fucking poetic. But it wasn’t. Just lonely and empty. And tragic.
And Sheppard, that fuck, had refused to increase my dosage of antidepressants. Even after I’d sat in his office, soaked to the bone from the rain that wouldn’t stop following me.
We need to talk this through.
Fuck that and fuck him.
When I’d been a resident in his nut house, I’d never shared. I’d kept all the fractured bits to myself. Since I’d earned them.
Pills. That’s what I needed. Something to make everything less.
But the asshole was unmoved and underwhelmed by my plight.
He didn’t even budge after I’d told him I was drinking. Self-medicating.
Blake fell into the chair beside me, his extra-large coffee in hand.
“Hey,” he said breathlessly, his leg bobbing up and down like a piston.
Caffeine was the only drug he was allowed given the situation. But his current hyperactivity and good mood might’ve had more to do with the meds they were trying to regulate.
I mumbled a quick good morning, then pressed my lips together, ashamed to my core that I was jealous of his energy. His mania.
All I’d wanted to do for the past week was sleep. Or stalk Gelsey’s social media. Her ballet company had set up accounts for her on Instagram and Facebook, publishing short videos of her in rehearsal or at the brownstone to up her visibility.
She looked as miserable as I felt. Never smiling. But I knew someday she would.
It was like torture, watching and waiting for the moment in time when she’d move on.
A small part of me hoped that someone would catch it on film, so I could see it. But the bigger part of me prayed it would never happen. Proving I was an asshole. Unworthy of her love.
Good thing you turned her loose, then.
Rhenn’s voice pinged around in my head. Maybe I’d get the good stuff if I told Sheppard my dead best friend was talking to me on the regular now. Doubtful. Because I knew it wasn’t really Rhenn.
The doc called the meeting to order while I surreptitiously slid a single earbud in place. I tapped the tiny unit, and the first song on my Beatles playlist drowned him out. Paul McCartney singing about daybreak and heartache. And tears cried for no one.
My gut twisted into a knot, and I shifted my focus to the window. Trees swayed in time to the beat, gnarled limbs reaching for the sun I couldn’t see.
Dancing.
Always dancing.
/> Gelsey
Sasha ran a greedy hand over the buttery leather upholstery in the back of the Town Car, her eyes locked on mine.
“So, Gelsey…” As soon as the queen bee opened her mouth, her stupid sister and their two stupider friends stopped talking. When she was sure all the attention was on her, Sasha smiled sweetly. “I have not seen your boyfriend since you have been here. Will he be joining you soon?”
From the way her gaze dug into mine, then slowly dipped to inspect the dark circles under my eyes, it was like she knew my secret. My truth.
But of course, she didn’t.
Nobody did.
As callous as Miles had been when he’d kicked me to the curb, he’d gone out of his way to ensure I wouldn’t be humiliated in public. He’d set up a car service to take me to and from the brownstone. And I had a bodyguard who shadowed my every move. To the outside world, Miles appeared to be every inch the doting boyfriend. Even though we hadn’t spoken since the night I walked out of his basement.
Almost two weeks had passed, and it still hurt to breathe. My shattered heart rattled around my chest so loudly, I was sure everyone could hear it.
Including Sasha and her gang.
They didn’t like me. Would never like me. But they made sure they were on my heels every time I left the stage door at Lincoln Center, just so they wouldn’t have to take the subway back to Brooklyn.
When I realized Sasha was still waiting for an answer, I forced a smile. “Miles is busy in Austin. So I’m not really sure when he’ll make it out.”
Sasha tilted her head, her lips parted with another question, but her sister beat her to it. “Surely he will be here for your debut?”
All four women leaned in, eager for my response. If I would’ve fallen in love with anyone but Miles, this humiliation would be mine to keep. Private. But soon enough the truth would come out.
Not tonight, though.
“I hope so.”
The car glided to a stop in the quiet Brooklyn neighborhood, and the gang of four grabbed their stuff. Like the entitled little divas they were, they waited until Lenny, my new bodyguard, opened the door, then poured out onto the sidewalk. Their flats padded softly against the concrete as they laughed their way up the steps and to the door without giving me a backward glance. Or a thank you.