Chapter 23
Jax
My body was beginning to freeze while waiting for Ella, I needed to move about, or get my ass inside Bouquets where it was warm. The air was icy and I began to move in the direction of the shop, deciding to wait it out in a place where I wouldn’t turn into a Popsicle. What put a truly biting chill in me though was seeing Selena, standing but a few feet away from the front door to Bouquets. As soon as she saw me she pounced. She looked how she always looked, dressed to the nine’s, too much makeup, her following of Selena clone’s hanging off her every word.
“Jax!” She exclaimed like we were the best of friends. She hadn’t called me, just like I had asked, but seeing her here now, seeing her approach me like nothing had changed pissed me off. “I need to speak to you about the Thanksgiving Ball next week. I told daddy you were taking me, so I need to know what time you’re picking me up.” Her hands rubbed up and down my arms in what was supposed to be an innocent gesture, but I knew better. I was too stunned by her question to do anything about it though. I looked at her like she was speaking a foreign language and shook my head.
“I’m not going to the fucking ball with you Selena.” She pouted and fuck I hated her for it. I hated myself for putting up with it for so long.
“The event is sold out Jax. There are no more tickets and you know it is where you do your thing and network for Mercy’s shelter.” She spat the word shelter at me like it was a dirty word. And I shook my head again.
“We don’t need the networking that bad,” I smirked. Then she did what she knew would reel me in, she knew I would take the bait. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, her pout now a solemn frown.
“Jax, my mother and father are going to be there and they will be so disappointed with me if I don’t turn up with you. They will know I screwed this up, I always screw things up and they remind me of that every time I see them. I can’t even get a job without daddy’s help. Please, surely after all these years the least you can do is pick me up, escort me in, be polite, have one dance with me, then leave if you have to. Just don’t make me walk in there alone. You secure donations for Mercy’s next year and I get mommy and daddy off my back for another day.” Her hands rested on my chest and I wanted to push her away but I also didn’t want to create a scene in front of her friends. I rubbed a hand down my face groaning. Fuck, I couldn’t believe I was giving in to her. But Mercy’s needed the support and it was the biggest community event on the calendar. Senators, wealthy business man, lawyers, doctors, the who’s who of Claymont. It was worth a few hours of awkwardness with Selena. And her parents did give her a hard time, there love was harsh, no doubt the major contributing factor in molding Selena into the woman she was.
“Alright, I’ll pick you up at seven, but you’ll need your own way home. I won’t be staying long.” Her eyes beamed with triumph and she raised herself to her toes. I knew she wanted to kiss me and for some reason, most likely habit, I leaned forward and allowed it. As I glanced up and saw Ella watching from inside Bouquets in mortified horror, I suddenly realized I had screwed up.
“You won’t regret it,” Selena sang as she walked away and I’m sure she cast Ella a quick grin. I was already filled with regret. Ella walked out of the florist, her face barely masking her rage. While Charlie helped Rebecca lock up I moved towards her.
“Everything okay?” She asked in a voice that contradicted the simmering anger.
“Just fine. You hungry?” I tried to move the conversation on to something else quickly. A combination of shame and anger was wrestling for dominance. If I could at least deflect the inevitable conversation for a little while I’d be able to regain control and not lose my shit. Ella tilted her head to one side, as if looking at me from another angle might give her the answer she was searching for.
“You look guilty,” she whispered. I hated that she could see me so easily.
“I haven’t done anything wrong, so I don’t know why you assume that I’m guilty,” I growled.
“I don’t assume, I know Jax, I can see it in your eyes. As far as I’m aware you haven’t done anything to be guilty of either. So maybe you can tell me why you feel that way.”
“What do you want me to say angel? You want the truth?” Ahhh fuck, I was going to lose my shit. She stared at me with those big beautiful eyes that were seething with frustration.
“You promised me that’s all you would ever give me, remember? I can trust you, you told me that.” I pulled the beanie from my head and ran my hand through my hair in frustration. Rebecca moved up to her side. I didn’t want to do this here and now, but my night had started badly with Dillon’s news then quickly descended into a cluster fuck with seeing Selena. Now Ella’s questioning eyes were all I needed to nudge me into asshole mode.
“You wanna’ do this now? Fine, I’m taking Selena to the Thanksgiving Ball next week. I’d promised her a long time back and it’s important to her. We go every year together and we’ve been friends for a long time, I can’t just let her down like that. It’s a great opportunity to network for Mercy’s too. There are no other tickets left and even if there were it’s not like I can take you, it’s crowded and glamorous, not really your kind of thing.” I might as well of hit her. The pain in her eyes made me instantly regret my words. Even Annie who stood behind her took a short step back. Rebecca’s eyes widened with shock and Charlie shook his head and groaned. I had to give it to Ella though. She recovered well. Her eyes glazed over with a look that broke my heart. Indifference and no doubt her life with Marcus had made her an expert at that look.
“Of course you have to go. Mercy’s is everything, it’s far more important than you and I,” I went to interrupt her and tell her she was wrong, that she actually meant the world to me and I would happily give up Mercy’s for her. Selena had wanted me to and of course I wouldn’t. If Ella asked though, I’d give it up in a heartbeat. The thing was I knew she would never ask that of me and that’s why I loved her. Ella didn’t give me a chance to speak though, her anger forcing words from her lips in quick succession.
“Without Mercy’s there would be no me, no Annie and Eli, no Sam, no Nancy. All those girls and women would be left out in the cold. Sarah would have died alone and cold rather than in a warm safe place. Finding money to keep Mercy’s running is more important than anything, but the fact that the first thing that came out of your mouth was making Selena happy, that kind of pisses me off. Lord knows she would make the perfect date though. She loves the crowd and works it like a pro. I have no doubt she would do the full glamour thing too, beautiful dresses, hair, makeup the works. Fuck,” Ella laughed but there was no humor in it, it was forced and a little bit manic, “just like my mother, that’s who she reminds me of you know, my exact opposite. No doubt Selena never flinched at your touch or went into a fucking panic attack if you tried to hug her. She is the better option Jax, she is perfect for you. I hope the evening is profitable for Mercy’s and knowing your past with Selena, I’m sure she’d be happy to scratch your back.” I turned and walked away, somehow managing to hold my head high and shoulders back proudly. I didn’t even notice Rebecca at my side till I reached the end of the mall and edged my way around the last of the crowd.
“My cars up here,” she nodded down a side street and I hesitated at the darkness. She stopped and held out her hand. “Come on tiger, I know how to throw a punch, I’ll keep you safe.” I was furious that Jax hadn’t followed me, he hadn’t even attempted to reject what I had said. “You’re coming to my place for a sleep over. You can borrow some of my clothes.” I really just wanted to go back to the apartment and curl into a ball and cry. Who was I kidding, I knew I wouldn’t cry. It took kindness to bring on my tears, what kind of a sicko was I.
“Annie will worry,” I reasoned.
“I told her before I came after you that I would keep you at my place tonight and drop you home tomorrow. I thought you might prefer some space without the little critter under your feet.”
“Litt
le critter?” I wondered out loud.
“Eli,” she winked playfully. “Cute critter that one, but perhaps not so much fun to have around when you feel like making a Jax voodoo doll.” I felt so dejected and humiliated by Jax’s words that I couldn’t even force a smile. He thought I wasn’t good enough for a ball. What pissed me off was that he was right.
“I’m homeless. Of course he wouldn’t want to take me to a ball, I don’t even own a dress.” I murmured still angry. My eyes were fixed on the road ahead, but I still noticed Rebecca turn to glance at me as we drove out of the city.
“You met Jax in the shelter?” She asked.
I nodded woodenly. “If it bothers you having me in Bouquets I’ll leave without a fuss.”
“Now why the hell would I want you to leave?” She snapped.
“Most people assume that a homeless employee would be more prone to theft.” It was the honest truth. It’s why I kept my home life, or lack thereof private.
“Well, that’s just stupid. I trust you Ella, Rita vouched for you and Rita doesn’t vouch for criminals, she’s a good judge of character and I like to think I am too. Anyway, you live with Annie and Eli so you’re not homeless you douche.” Her flippant regard of my living arrangements made me laugh.
“I sleep on their couch. I have four pairs of jeans, one pair of cargo’s, five t-shirts, six thermals, one heavy winter jacket and a pair of all-star sneakers, that’s everything I own.” Rebecca was quiet while she absorbed my far to short list of belongings.
“You don’t own any underwear?” She finally gasped in mock horror and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I own underwear you dork, probably not as much as you and none of it has lace on it. I think I’m allergic to lace and frills.”
Rebecca pulled into a small quaint looking cottage that looked perfectly adorable surrounded by a thin layer of snow. She only lived ten minutes from the city center, her home surrounded by other, much larger homes.
“Welcome to my matchbox. It pisses the neighbors off that this microscopic crib sits amongst their much more affluent and grand castles. It belonged to my grandma and she left it to me and my older sister who escaped Claymont years ago so it’s really just mine now and I’m not changing it for anyone. It’s awesome just the way it is.” I nodded as she led me up the porch.
As I wandered through the front door of Rebecca’s house, I was instantly hit by the same humid warmth as her shop. The house was definitely small, but it was incredibly homely and neat and tidy. The furniture was scant which allowed the allusion of space. In front of the fireplace was a gorgeous flouncy couch that was made for cuddling on. That’s where I wanted to be right now, alone with my misery.
“Well tiger, what we are going to do is pull out a bottle of vodka, kick back some shots then go through my enormous wardrobe that is full of clothes that haven’t seen the light of day in several years. We are going to fix you up with some dresses and skirts, because apparently you need those.” I stared at Rebecca’s serious expression and began laughing.
“I don’t think I would suit the sort of clothes you wear Rebecca.” I admitted. “No offence of course, you look smokin’ in those old style clothes, but it’s just not me.”
Rebecca shook her head. “Well don’t freak out but I didn’t always dress this way. In fact the clothes that are gathering moth balls are my pre-pin up girl clothes, all pretty dull and boring.” She winked. “No offence of course, I know you’re not dull and boring at all.” I smiled at that, Rebecca had no idea how dull and boring I wanted my life to be.
“If you try and give me anything that remotely looks like what you’re wearing right now I will leave and FYI, I’m not sure about the Vodka. I’ve never drunk that before and I don’t drink very much anymore. It’s likely to turn me into a blithering mess.” Rebecca’s jaw dropped open.
“You’re shitting me, you’ve never tried vodka?” I shook my head as I wandered over to her Clitoria that sat proudly in the center of a small dining table.
“I’ve had every other alcoholic drink under the moon and sun and a disturbingly large array of narcotics, which I haven’t touched in a very long time,” I glared at her pointedly, “but I’ve never had vodka.” Rebecca shook her head.
“Vodka virgin,” she sighed. “Well, we’re popping that cherry tonight, so stop touching my clitoria, sit your ass down and get cozy. I’ll get the shot glasses and bring my wardrobe out.” She stopped on the way to the kitchen. “Fuck that, we’ll drink in the bedroom, come on. And FYI, you would look amazing in a fancy gown and you are definitely good enough to take to a ball. Oh, and screw you this sweater is fabulous.”
Chapter 24
Jax
I’d fucked up, big time, colossal, lightening would strike me at any minute fucked up. Ella. If I were able to separate myself from my body right now, I would literally turn and beat the shit out of whatever part remained. Charlie had forced me to stay in the city, he knew I needed to calm the fuck down and he was also well aware that Eli was wrapped timidly around Annie’s legs watching the awkward scene unfold in confused innocence. I forced myself to stay and let the little man see the lights lit on the Christmas tree and seeing the joyful glow in his eyes made staying with such an ache in my heart almost worth it. Eli fell asleep in the car as I drove him and Annie home. I helped her carry him up the two flights of stairs to their apartment and knew she would say something the moment I unloaded the sleeping babe into his bed.
“I didn’t expect that of you Jax.” Her disappointment made the ache in my chest deepen. “What you said to Ella was hurtful. I don’t know what is exactly going on with you two, or this other tramp, but to string them both along like that is really unfair, especially on Ella.”
“I’m not stringing anyone along Annie, I adore Ella, fuck I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love her. Selena is nothing to me, I’m just helping her out of an awkward situation and it benefits Mercy’s at the same time.” I rubbed the knot that had taken up residence in my neck. “Perhaps I could have handled the situation a little better though. I’ve had a rough day, I just snapped.” Annie shook her head as she leaned against the kitchen bench.
“Do you wonder if Ella’s step-father used that excuse on her?” My eyes snapped to Annie’s. “Do you think he hit her and told her it was because he had a bad day?”
“I didn’t hit Ella, Annie,” I growled.
“Of course you didn’t, but you still hurt her. You basically told her she wasn’t good enough to be seen at a fancy ball with you.” I groaned.
“That’s not what I meant, she hates crowds and this crowd is going to be full of women like Selena, fuck, like her mother and worse. I wouldn’t put her through that.” Annie smiled.
“And that’s how you should have explained it to her. Don’t push her too hard Jax. She’s fragile, she has trust issues which she’s completely entitled to. You need to do right by her, always, even after a bad day. If you don’t think you can handle that then you need to back off now, before things go too far.” Annie saw the situation for exactly what it was. I needed to be more for Ella, stronger and no excuse would pardon me.
“Thanks Annie,” I sighed. She gave me a quick hug before seeing me out the door.
Now I sat on my couch, a glass of whiskey hung precariously from my fingers, my head bowed in shame. I had let Ella down, I had broken a promise, again. In this moment, the tattoo at my back carried the heavy burden of shame and truth. Redemption was not for me, I had failed Sarah and now Ella. As that thought crossed my mind, Ella’s words echoed in my ears. “Sarah would have died alone and cold rather than in a warm safe place.” The truth in her words stung me. I couldn’t save Sarah, but I gave her all I could and that was more than anyone had ever given her. Swallowing down my whiskey I quickly pored another, I needed the detachment tonight, I needed to escape. Thoughts of Ella would either drive me to ring her or worse yet, drive me to Rebecca’s to confront her. She didn’t need that bullshit right now. I would explai
n myself, make this right somehow, but she needed some room to see and think clearly. Remembering Selena’s pleading eyes made me shudder, that girl knew how to play with the best of them. She knew exactly what she had to say to get what she wanted. I was taking her to this stupid fucking ball and I wasn’t looking forward to it. It wasn’t at all how I expected Thanksgiving to go, in fact, I had already spoken to Annie about having them all come out to my place for the night, perhaps Charlie and Rebecca too. Of course Annie had offered to cook, which was a good thing, considering my inability to boil so much as water. Then another memory burst into my head like an unwelcome guest. Fuck, Ella’s dad had died on Thanksgiving. How the fuck could I have let that gold nugget of information slip? I stood angrily and picked up the closest thing to me which happened to be my guitar and swung it hard against the brick fireplace, watching it shatter just as like my conscience did. I was taking Selena to the Thanksgiving Ball on the anniversary of Ella’s father’s death. I roared with anger at my own stupidity. Gripping the ledge of the fireplace until my knuckles turned white, all the hate, guilt and anger inside of me simmered dangerously close to the surface. With a long breath I spun around and grabbed the bottle of whiskey, gulping with furious impatience straight from the bottle.
Mercy's Angels Box Set (Mercy's Angel #1-3) Page 18