“Em, do I need to remind you of the importance of honesty and trust?”
Her eyes darted to mine, defiance and anger burned behind them. “Don’t speak to me like I’m a child,” she snapped.
I forced myself not to smile. Attitude was good, it resembled strength and I liked it a whole lot better than her misery. “Then perhaps try talking to me like an adult. You’re sitting in the corner of your room with your head against the glass. Clearly your idea of nothing is far different from mine. Are you angry at me for my absence?”
She bit her bottom lip and eyed me with caution. “No, I didn’t want to see you this morning,” she admitted carefully.
My stomach sank. Only last night I was slammed with the realization that I was in love with this woman, it never occurred to me that she might not feel the same way. “Why?” I tried to keep my voice neutral, but in the end I still growled at her, just with less gruffness than usual.
“It’s hard to explain,” she whispered, “but, think I was ashamed.”
Her revelation wasn’t what I expected to hear. “Ashamed of what exactly, Malen’kaya?” I asked. I knew she was nervous about answering me; her eyes darted anxiously around the room, looking for a way to escape the moment of truth.
“I needed you to hold me down before I could reach orgasm,” she finally breathed. Her eyes fluttered shut as if trying to block out the memory.
A long breath of air escaped my own lips. She was worried about her slip into submissiveness, which at the time had sent me completely and utterly crazy with desire. This I could deal with. Her regretting my touch? I don’t think I could’ve handled that. Knowing very well this was an important issue for her, I refrained from beating my chest and grinning like an ass. My hand slipped from her face, down her shoulder and arm until finally resting on her hand. It only took a gentle tug and she came to me willingly as I pulled her onto my lap and sat with my back to the wall. Her tears were quiet and hidden in my chest, but I knew they were there.
“Em, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Even with all that strength inside you, you are a naturally submissive woman. I have no doubt that if you hadn’t been taken by Jonas at such a young age and conditioned to this lifestyle, you would have slipped into it beautifully.” She pulled away, the hurt in her eyes palpable. “Not as a slave,” I quickly corrected myself. “Not like that, Em. But sexually you enjoy letting a man take control, you enjoy a little domination, and that would have been there with or without Jonas’ interference.” She looked doubtful as she watched me. “I’m good at reading people, Em. You are a beautiful, strong-willed woman who just wants a man who can give you what you need. Obeying a dominant man, allowing him to take charge is not a weakness. In fact, it takes incredible strength to allow someone in like that. For a man to experience a strong woman like you, become so exquisitely submissive, by her own choice mind you, is more appealing than you can possibly understand.” A small sniffle reminded me that regardless of this woman’s inner strength, she was walking a tight-rope of emotions right now and could tumble any moment. “You should never feel ashamed of the things you want, Em. Don’t let Jonas carve away your heart now that you’re free of him. Anything you do now, whether it be an act of submission or otherwise, is your choice.”
She looked so frightened when she glanced up at me again. “I just want to be enough for you, I want to be what you need.”
I smiled as I cupped her cheek. “Did it occur to you that you already are?”
“I don’t want to disappoint you,” she whispered.
I pressed my lips hard to her forehead and held her there for the longest time. How could she possibly think she could disappoint me? I had to remind myself that the men in her life thus far had treated her worse than an animal. She had never been shown love. She’d only been frequently reminded of her failures and faults.
“It is just not possible for you to disappoint me, Em. You could toss me out of your bed and force me to sleep on the couch and I wouldn’t be disappointed with you. Perhaps disappointed I’m not wrapped in your beautiful body, but never disappointed in you. As far as I’m concerned, you’re perfect, and I want to spend the rest of my life giving you everything you need, and if you’re not sure what that is, then I’m prepared to give you time to figure it out.”
Her entire body seemed to collapse into my embrace, all her tension gone. Her arms wrapped around my neck and held me so tight I was afraid she might hurt herself.
“Have you been hiding in here all morning worrying about this?” I asked. She nodded against my chest. “I’m an idiot, I should have come to check on you sooner. Promise me one thing.” She pulled her head out of the crook of my neck “If you need me, if something is bothering you, come to me and tell me. If you don’t want to come to me, go to someone else. Rebecca, Larz, even Gabbie. Bottling it up until you are incoherent in the corner of the room isn’t good for you.” She tried to pull away again under my terse command. “Hey,” I chastised gently, not letting her go, “I’m not angry with you, and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. If anyone here has the right to be angry, it’s you, you should tell me I’m a complete ass for ignoring you all morning.”
A small smile caught one corner of her lips. “You’re not an ass, Gabbie told me you were snowed under in your office but I could go hang out in there if I wanted. I should have gone looking for you.”
“Anytime, anywhere Em, if you need me, you come get me. I’ll drop everything I’m doing for you and although I can’t promise to not get caught up in my work in the future, I will put it all aside if you just say the word. Any regrets about last night? Did I hurt you?”
Emily glanced over her arms and legs. “You didn’t hurt me, you didn’t even leave a mark on my skin.”
“Not physically,” I corrected her.
“You didn’t hurt me,” she said with a small growl.
Ahhh, that defiance, it was a Donovan trait. Rebecca could be a growly beast when she wanted too. “Did anything about last night upset you or bother you?” I pushed, needing to know her limits. Even though I knew she found pleasure in our sexual encounter, I needed to hear from her lips that it was acceptable.
“No,” she admitted and after a short pause, “I liked it, being dominated.”
“Did you feel frightened at any time?”
“No, you probably even could have...” she trailed off, her eyes wandering to the windows.
“Could have what, Em?” I pressed.
“You could have done more,” she murmured.
‘More’ could have entailed many number of things and intrigued the hell out of me. “More how?” She fidgeted in my lap, and I tried desperately to control the twitch in my dick as her beautiful ass pressed against me.
“Harder and faster, I guess, I’m not made of glass you know.” One perfectly arched brow quirked with attitude.
“Of course you’re not,” I murmured from behind my hand, hiding my smile.
“Are you laughing at me?” she growled.
“Never,” I said, moving my hand away and forcing the stubborn smile from my lips. “So, harder, faster…what else?”
“Well, I like the way you restrained my hands. I trusted you to let go if I asked, but at the same time I wanted more, I could have handled more.” She shrugged.
Well, so much for containing my hard-on. “So, light restraints are a possibility. Harder, faster...” I loved that she blushed. She didn’t seem to have any aversion to nudity, and I had no doubt her sexual encounters were vast and many, but her awkwardness at our private conversation was endearing. “I can work with that. One day at a time, Em. We’ll figure all this out together. There are no safe words; you have only to say no and we stop. But you have to promise to communicate with me. We need to talk like this if we want to figure out where we go from here.” She nodded in agreement.
Feeling the need to give her a reprieve, I slid her from my lap and stood. She took my outstretched hand easily. “Come on, you’ve been cooped up
in here all day, let me feed you.” She followed me out of the room. “I might even be able to scrounge up some chocolate.” Her eyes lit up at that and my heart did a little flip. It was a sensation I was not used to feeling. Desire and lust were common denominators in my previous relationships, the need to see my woman flush with pleasure was always first and foremost. The satisfaction at seeing my woman smile over chocolate was just down right crazy, but right now I would have bought shares in Hershey’s if I knew it would bring Em happiness.
Chapter 21
EMILY
The next couple of days passed quickly. My awkwardness and shame waking the morning after being with Braiden hadn’t totally disappeared, but I wasn’t shuddering in a corner like a complete nut job. Yeah, I’d been a little miffed and hurt he hadn’t come to check on me that morning, but then again, I was hoping to avoid him, so I couldn’t really say I was angry that he had been distracted by his work. We hadn’t been together intimately since that night, but Braiden was constantly around, close enough I could reach out and touch him as I pleased. And after a day or two of fearing it, I did. I shouldn’t have found something as simple as touching someone so difficult. After Braiden had first brought me home, it had been incredibly difficult, but for different reasons. No longer did I fear tainting others with my sin. Now, I wasn’t sure where my boundaries were when it came to Braiden. He wasn’t my master, but he was more than just a friend. Touching was normal behavior for people more than friends, but I’d been forbidden to do in the past, unless specifically asked to. Braiden had clearly noticed my internal dilemma about touching him and assured me he wanted my touch, it made him happy. When I still hesitated, he took charge of the situation; holding my hand or running his fingers down my arm or simply brushing my hair behind my ear. The last two nights I slept in Braiden’s bed, tucked into his body feeling safe and secure. Even though a big part of me wanted more than that safe embrace, I realized if I wasn’t able to ask for it, then perhaps I wasn’t ready for it. Braiden didn’t push either and I found myself wanting him to, needing him to. I needed him to force me to be brave, but Braiden shouldn’t have to push me into intimacy. It needed to come naturally, and more importantly, it needed to be my choice completely.
It was Thanksgiving today and we were invited to have dinner at Rebecca and Charlie’s. Everyone had been invited, and I cringed at the thought of the social gathering. Small talk was not my forte. Talk of any kind was not really my forte. Like a slow trickling stream my confidence around people was getting better, especially with Braiden. Larz was the easiest to be around, most likely because of the vast amount of time we spent together over the last six months. Rebecca’s friends — who had all been incredibly welcoming and nice, made me nervous and put the awkward back in social behavior. It was difficult to put my finger on why, none of them pushed me for more than I could give, and they all seemed more than comfortable with my presence, whether I spent it sitting quietly in the corner or tried to clumsily participate in their conversations. Now standing before Rebecca’s closed door, nerves racked me as I clutched a plate of Gabbie’s famous polenta in my arms. Gabbie and Bomber were talking business with Parker, who stood in the shadows of the front porch. Braiden took my free hand and gently squeezed it as the front door burst open. Rebecca beamed at me in all her pin-up style glory. As usual, her hair was in an intricate and complex style on top of her head, and her makeup was soft and pale, except for the bright red lipstick. She wore a vibrant blue dress that clung to her breasts and waist before it flared into a full skirt held up with layers of tulle. She was wearing a beautiful pair of matching blue heels that completed the ensemble. She looked stunning and made my simple black dress and heels pale in comparison.
“Em, you look beautiful,” she whispered in awe. Her expression was so open I knew she honestly thought it.
Glancing down I took in the simple, silk wrap dress Braiden had bought me, then looked back to hers. “B, have you been drinking?” I softly chastised. “Look at you, you’re so gorgeous and bright. I look like a dark room compared to you.”
Rebecca scoffed as Charlie reached around and took the plate of food from my arms. “Hey there, pretty girl.” He gifted me with a cheeky wink.
Ordinarily, a display of affection like that would have unnerved me. But the way Charlie kissed my sister’s shoulder with unbridled affection, I knew his heart and soul belonged to her. He was simply being himself and treating me like the little sister I was.
“Mr. Grey, looking dapper tonight,” he greeted Braiden.
I had no idea who Mr. Grey was or why he called Braiden that, but Braiden obviously knew what he meant and raised a brow in amusement. “Charlie, it’s good to know you’re still reading women’s erotica. It’ll make my Christmas shopping much easier this year.”
Charlie laughed as we strolled into the house. It was already bustling with people.
“Oh, Em, your shoes are so pretty,” gushed Ella, who stood by her monster of a man, Jax. She was eyeing my shoes with undisguised longing. They were simple black sling backs with a descent heel.
“Ummm, thanks,” I murmured. “You can borrow them if you want,” I offered.
She shook her head and sighed. “No, me and heels are not a match made in heaven. I shit you not, I walk like a stalk with broken legs when I wear them.”
Rebecca snickered. “You just need to practice walking around in them. Your problem is your unhealthy attachment to those nasty damn sneakers.”
Jax’s eyes sparkled with amusement. “Oh, she has practiced. In fact, a few months ago she walked around the house wearing nothing but the sexiest damn pair of heels I’ve ever seen.”
Ella snorted. “How the hell would you know what they looked like? Your eyes barely got lower than my waist.”
I glanced to Mercy who stood beside David.
She shook her head. “Let’s try and keep this PG rated tonight, kids,” she reprimanded. She gave me a genuine smile as she leaned forward and kissed my cheek. David gave me a warm smile before pressing a chaste kiss to Mercy’s forehead. Their affection for each other seemed so pure and easy, I found myself a little jealous over it. Pulling my gaze away from the loving couple, I took in the crowded living room. Jax, Dillon, Charlie and Larz sat around the TV, watching the pre-game show. Their voices were excited as they discussed the football game that would soon follow. Eli sat in the corner, his concentration devoted to a hand held game in his lap. The women were in the kitchen, the men in the living room, and I wasn’t sure where I fit in. Obviously it should have been with the women. Rebecca’s glance my way every now and again, in an effort to include me confirmed that. But I found myself shuffling nervously between the two rooms. Braiden gave the back of my hand a kiss before joining the men, leaving me to figure out my place on my own. Going against the grain, I sat down beside Eli. He nudged me with his shoulder and handed me the small console he’d been focused on. He quickly explained the technicalities of his golf game, and I had it down in no time.
“You know, you’re kind of a freak,” Eli mumbled and I raised a brow. “Girl’s aren’t supposed to be good at gaming,” His thin lips were set in a pout, his unruly curls hanging over his eyes.
My lips twitched with the need to smile. “Really? What are girls meant to be good at then?”
He shrugged. “Shopping?”
“Well, I don’t like crowds.” Eli fidgeted and I knew he was itching to have his game back in his hands.
“What if there were rollercoasters and bumper cars?” he asked. His question was a little out of left field.
“Ummm, I guess that would make suffering the crowds a little more bearable. Why?”
“In a couple of months, the spring fair will be here, and I want to go there for my birthday. Do you want to come?”
The spring fair would be more crowded than the mall, but the hopeful look in Eli’s eyes made me suck up my foolish fear and press my shoulders back. “I’d love to, as long as you go on a rollercoaster with me.”
Eli’s smile was blinding and contagious. I couldn’t help but return it. When I glanced up, I noticed a few surprised glances my way, but thankfully they were gone quickly as everyone went back to their conversations. Soon enough, most of us were sitting around the table or at the breakfast bar. It was a cozy scene and a little rowdy, but I had somehow drifted into a comfortable warmth surrounded by these people. My early nerves had subsided and I didn’t feel like I needed to run out the closest exit. Of course most conversation went on without me contributing, but I never particularly felt left out or awkward simply sitting between the easy friends. I felt safe and even if they didn’t understand my hesitancy with touch or my apprehension at being around them, they never pointed it out or made me feel unwelcome.
“Alright, I’m starving, so let’s do this quick. Mercy you go first,” said Rebecca.
Confused by what was taking place, I watched as Mercy sat up a little straighter and gifted everyone around the table with a soft smile.
“Okay, I’m thankful that all my family, and yes, you are all family, are here safe and sound. I’m so very proud of you all and love each and every one of you.”
Mercy looked a little teary as David cleared his throat beside her. “I’m thankful we have so many at the table this year. It really does feel like a family. I’m also thankful for all the help each of you give at the shelter. You do it without complaint, whenever asked, so thank you.”
There were nods of agreement from everyone around the table.
“I’m thankful for Annie’s coffee. Rebecca would be a raging bitch without it,” added Lola with a grin on her face, letting us know she was just joking, mostly. Ella laughed loudly as Rebecca slapped her playfully on the back of the head.
“I’m thankful for my healthy, handsome son.” Annie beamed at Eli. “And I’m thankful you are all here to help us. It means so much to me.”
“I’m thankful for my Gameboy.” Eli grinned. A surprising and silent reprimand from Dillon made Eli scowl. “And I’m thankful for my mom because she’s the best.” Eli leaned over and gave Annie a quick kiss on the cheek, and I swear, all the women at the table sighed.
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