by Virna DePaul
“Of course. You’re sweet and funny and beautiful and a little weird, in an intriguing and attractive way. I want to get to know you better. A lot.” He paused. “But just so you know, I wouldn’t mind you being a sex-crazed animal wanting to jump my bones, too. Not at all. That sounds pretty damn great. So long as that’s not all you want from me,” he added, giving me a knowing grin.
Warmth suffused my entire body. For the first time, I felt it—the bounty that could come from being New Tessa and being willing to take chances.
The wind coming off the ocean swept over us and Cade tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear and smiled.
I think I’m going to want everything from you, Cade, I thought, but thankfully refrained from saying it.
“So we’re agreed. We’re having a do over?” Cade extended his hand into the space between us.
I shook his hand, eyes locked with his. “Do over.”
“Good. We can talk more later, but now, I’m supposed to get this clean-up organized.”
“I’d like to stay and help if that’s okay.”
“It’s more than okay. Come on, I’ll introduce you to the others.”
Cade turned to move toward the group gathering around trash bags and gloves and tools when he stopped and glanced back at me. “Wait,” he said, “how exactly did you find me here?”
“In the one yoga class of yours that I took, you’d said you were going to be here,” I explained.
“Oh wow,” he laughed. “Someone was actually listening to me then.”
I moved to walk next to him. “I sure was.”
He smiled, warm and bright. “I’m glad.”
At the sheer beauty of his words and smile, I felt my knees go week.
I was here. Things were good. I was getting another chance with him. But…
“I’m nervous,” I admitted, smiling up at Cade as we walked toward the group.
He smiled down at me before slipping his fingers in between mine. “Me, too.”
The beach was beautiful and the day was glorious, even with trash in my hands. The water danced between our toes as we continued along the shore, sun warm on our faces, wind gentle against our skin. I didn’t know how much time had passed. I didn’t care how much time had passed. I only worried that the sun still high above us would set too soon and it would all be over, this sweet, easy dream.
As Cade and I made our way across the beach to dump our latest collection in the black plastic bags, Cade entertained me with his wildest stories from yoga class.
“Wait,” I gasped, finding it hard to catch my breath I was laughing so hard, “she was just naked on the yoga ball?”
Cade leaned over to pick up a long forgotten flip-flop and nodded, grinning up at me. “Butt ass naked, legs spread, breasts bouncing as she bounced up and down. All I’d told her was that I was going to go refill her water bottle.”
I shook my head imagining the scene and the look on Cade’s face when he’d returned from refilling the water bottle and found his private client, um, exposed like that.
“What did you do?” I asked, holding open the trash bag for him to toss in a weathered tennis ball.
“That’s the craziest part,” he continued. “I didn’t do anything. She bounced too roughly, I guess, and the ball slipped out from underneath her and she hit her head on the edge of her coffee table. I had to drive her to the ER for a CAT scan.”
“Wow,” I said, incredulous. “So me sexting on my first date was fairly mild in comparison, eh?” I nudged his side with my elbow. After hearing all of his stories about relentless clients trying to get into his pants, I felt even worse about my crazy sexting.
“So how did you get into yoga in the first place?” I asked. “Clearly, it wasn’t for the hordes of women throwing their panties on your face.”
“I know, I shouldn’t be complaining, right?” Cade winked.
I shrugged. “I haven’t had any guys lining up to throw their boxers in my face, so I don’t really know,” I said.
Cade frowned and tilted his head. “I find that hard to believe.”
I laughed. “I don’t.”
Feeling a flash of awkwardness, I fidgeted with the plastic strings of the trash bag.
“I’ve seen guys at the gym looking at you,” he continued. I looked up in surprise and he nodded, adding, “Honest truth.”
I’d certainly missed those glances if this were indeed the case. I suppose I was rather razor focused in my pursuits, though. And also, Cade had no reason to lie.
“Made me a little jealous,” Cade admitted. “Maybe even a bit more than a little.”
His voice was soft, whispered almost like a secret confession. But his words resounded loudly in my mind, big, bold letters followed by an infinite amount of exclamation marks and confetti and balloons and fireworks.
“But to answer your question, I loved yoga from the first time I took a class. It’s a time of peace: to clear the mind, focus on the breathing, learn oneself.”
He spoke so passionately that I could only nod along.
“Teaching it, though, is just a way to save up for law school.”
This caused me to stop, half bent over to pick up a sand-coated soda can. “Law school?”
Cade laughed at my shock. “Yeah, most people don’t get it. But I want be an environmental lawyer. Protect this beautiful earth the best way I can.”
“That’s impressive, Cade.”
He swept his arm out over the shore and ocean extending into the glistening horizon. “I think I can help, so I’m going to try,” he continued.
“Well, aren’t you full of surprises,” I said.
Cade shrugged. “I guess. Most people underestimate me, you know. Because of the long hair, yoga, and the fact I live in a van, people think I must smoke pot and do ’shrooms and drop acid and have crazy, wild sex all day long.” Cade paused and glanced down at me. “I mean, don’t get me wrong,” he added, a twinkle in his kind eyes. “I may not be into the drug scene, but I love crazy, wild sex.”
“Noted,” I breathed out, staring at him with something akin to awe. Then I remembered something he said. “You live in your van? That’s so cool! Have you traveled a lot?”
“Some, but I want to do more. How about you?”
“I’d love to travel more, but to be honest, I need to focus on getting things together in the here and now first. Professionally and personally.” We walked in silence for a few moments before I looked up to see Cade watching me. He was curious but clearly didn’t want to pry if I didn’t want to expand on what I’d said.
“I want to be an actress,” I explained. “I chicken out when it comes to auditions though. Hell, I chicken out when it comes to life. I want to change that.”
“So that’s what you meant earlier. About being the New Tessa?”
I nodded. “People see me a certain way. Because I see me a certain way: the wallflower, the introvert, the girl who watches other girls live life but never lives it herself. But I want to change.”
Cade grinned knowingly. “I don’t think you need to change. I think you just need to let the real you out. And she’s there. Because I see her. I have from the start.”
I shivered when he tucked a strand of hair the wind tugged loose back behind my ear. I never imagined this moment with dirty plastic gloves on and a bag filled with beach trash in my hands, but as Cade stared down at me, eyes filled with mine and mine filled with his, it was perfect. It was absolutely perfect.
“I think we should go on a second date,” Cade said finally.
I smiled. “Um, yeah,” I nodded, hopefully not too eagerly. “I think I’m free next Tues—”
“Now,” Cade interrupted. “You can tell me more about your dreams. Your plans. What you meant when you texted me ‘Sex study’ the other day.
I closed my eyes on a groan, then opened one to peek up at him. He was watching me carefully, a slight smile on my face.
“I was hoping you’d forgotten about that.”
/> “Nope. And you just confirmed it wasn’t a typo, it’s actually something you’re…”
I swallowed hard, not wanting to ruin the wonderful time we’d been having. “Something I’m planning on doing. As New Tessa.”
He just stared at me.
“Do you want me to go now?” I whispered.
He smiled. “Nope. I want to go on that second date. Are you free now?” Cade smiled.
“Right now?”
“Right now.”
“Um, yeah I’m free now.”
“Great,” he gave me a quick nod and glanced at his wrist watch. “I’ll pick you up at, let’s say...now?”
Biting back my laughter, I played along, pretending to check my own wrist watch though I wasn’t wearing one. “Hmm, I forgot I had something. Can you actually do now?”
Cade took my hand, dirty glove in dirty glove. “Now it is.”
Chapter 10
Tessa
At the start of our immediate date, Cade had stopped and ducked into a hole in-the-wall all-vegan cafe to buy us two sandwiches, seemingly an armful of fresh fruit, and a bottle of wine. We stopped by his van, which to my surprise was modern, clean and tricked out to the max, and he’d packed a string bag with our lunch, a blanket, and extra sunscreen. He’d shoved a few other things in there, including a bottle of wine.
I hadn’t thought there were empty stretches of beach left in LA, but twenty minutes later, I found myself with Cade in a secluded cove. There was no sound of shrieking children and yelling adults and instead only the crash of waves and the hiss of water flowing back down the sandy beach. As I gaped at the beauty surrounding me, Cade reached out and clasped my hand in his.
I looked up to find him smiling down at me. He did that a lot. And I liked it a lot.
“You know, it’s not too late to abandon this warm sunset in the sand and find a library or something where we can text each other from opposite dark corners,” I said, waggling my eyebrows suggestively.
“You’ve got a lot of book-related sexual innuendos at the ready?” he asked.
I puckered my lips in mock seduction and exaggerated the huskiness of my voice. “Hey, babe, want to put your book mark between my pages later?”
Cade’s eyes narrowed. He pulled the tie from his man bun to let his hair cascade down over his shoulders and into his face. Well, damn. I would have to step up my sexiness game for sure.
“I need to return my book, can you show me where your slot is?” he asked, lips pursed deliciously.
I smacked my forehead and shook my head while trying to hold back a laugh.
“What?” Cade nudged my shoulder. “No good? Might I add it’s a really, really thick book. It’s like War and Peace thick. It might not fit in your slot, you know.”
I choked and Cade grinned victoriously. “Nobody borrows War and Peace from the library,” I laughed.
Cade was silent for a moment and I turned my head to find his cheeks slightly red.
“You did?”
He nodded. “I borrowed it for an international literature club I started a few years back,” he said, shrugging. “But, yeah, that’s not the point. The point is I want you know that my penis is really, really big.”
I gawked at him, mouth open like a whale shark vacuuming up plankton.
“I win?” he asked, grinning widely.
I couldn’t defeat Cade in a strength contest, a flexibility contest, or apparently even a reading comprehension contest, but I had been training heavily in sexting recently. I smiled sweetly up at Cade and said, “Organize me like your Dewey decimal system.” I ran my hands over my hips and flipped my hair over my shoulder.
He burst out laughing and then bowed to me. “Okay, okay, you win.” He swept his hand across his body dramatically. “I concede.”
As I let the gentle, foamy waves tickle my toes, Cade set out a blanket for us. We sat down on the blanket and enjoyed watching the colors along the horizon brighten and intensify and cast the most beautiful reflections across the glistening ocean. We ate our sandwiches and munched lazily on the fruit (strawberries and raspberries and the juiciest oranges I had ever had in my entire life). We also drank the wine straight from the bottle, passing it back and worth.
Cade was the first to break the silence. “Tessa, can I ask you something?”
I turned to find him staring at me, his eyes brilliantly golden. Back on our first non-starter date, when I was hiding in the bushes outside the restaurant, I had wondered what Cade’s eyes would look like in the sunset if I had been brave enough to put down my phone and simply walk over to him. I should have been braver before, because this sight was breathtaking.
“Um, yeah,” was all I could manage to say.
Cade seemed to be studying me, trying to find something in my own eyes. “Do you remember when I said there is no New Tessa or Old Tessa. Just Tessa as she’s always been, with parts of her she’s just never let free before?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
Cade leaned in closer to me. I grew nervous at how close we were in that moment. There was nothing between us: nothing at all. No line of yoga mats and big-boobed women. No row of treadmills. No cell phone screen. No bushes.
It was me and him. Face to face, eye to eye, breath to breath.
“Do you think you can let her free now? Practice going after life?” he murmured, his eyes never leaving mine. “Taking what you want?”
My breath quickened.
“Life is waiting, Tessa,” Cade said, his fingers walking across the grains of white sand speckled across the blanket toward my thigh. He stopped just shy and returned his gaze to mine. “Reach for it.”
This moment wasn’t real. If this was my life I would be at home, Cheetos crumbs on my chest, messing around on my phone and groaning at an Instagram picture of a couple in some magically private cove at sunset with an empty bottle of wine between them. If this was my life, I would walk past a scene like this on a billboard as I left yet another audition before even just stepping inside. No, if this was my life, this moment right now might appear in my dreams and I might wake up with a gentle smile on my lips, but it would still be in my bed, in my apartment, in my life.
But the warm sand beneath the blanket was real. The empty bottle of wine propped up in the sand was real. The spray of the waves was cold and real. The man of my dreams, sitting in front of me, waiting for me, was real.
This wasn’t my life.
But it could be.
I tipped my head slowly to Cade. My heartbeat raced and I assured myself I wasn’t dying of a heart attack as I tilted my chin and gazed at his lips. He remained still as I hesitated, fighting the feelings of insecurity inside of me. My lips were no more than an inch from his. I could count his eyelashes, each and every long, blond, perfect eyelash. I was close.
Here is where I would have bailed before. This is where I would have stopped and turned around and headed home.
I swallowed heavily.
Closing my eyes, I crossed the short distance between the two of us and then there was no distance at all. It was as if there never was. I pressed my lips gently, almost chastely, against his.
His lips were warm, like the California sun; soft, like the fluffy white clouds high above; gentle, like the tide that whispered in the cove.
I was afraid to move too much, as if I might somehow shatter the moment. So my hand moved slowly, cautiously when I lifted it to his neck. My thumb skimmed over his collarbone first and I almost sighed in relief: I half expected my fingers to hit nothing but air and then bed sheets. I would wake up back in my bedroom.
But instead, my hand followed the curve of his shoulder to the nape of his neck where I experimentally slipped my fingers through his hair.
It was clear Cade was letting me take the lead. He wanted me to be the one to make the move. He wanted it to be my moment.
I started to get nervous about what to do next. I was in complete control, and that meant I was completely out of my depth. I wasn’t used to ha
ving the reins in my own life, but Cade had handed them over without a word.
I was in control.
Using my other hand, I pressed his back onto the blanket and straddled his hips tentatively. I’d never had a guy follow my lead. We’d always just taken the fastest route to his release, never the scenic route to my own.
Cade stared up at me as I perched on top of him. I splayed my fingers across his chest. He wore just a thin white tee, and I could feel his heart thudding beneath my palm. I didn’t know whether his or mine was beating faster.
“What do you want, Tessa?” he asked me, his voice deep and low.
I rolled my hips, almost without realizing it. A quiet groan then slipped from my lips when I felt his dick respond to the friction.
“Tell me,” he said.
His fingers were at his sides and they flinched toward my thighs. But he pulled them back and grabbed a handful of blanket instead, knuckles shining white. His desire for me only fueled the growing heat between my legs.
“I want...” I paused.
For the first time in a long time I felt like there weren’t limits, any walls surrounding me, anything holding me back, pinning me in. There was nothing around me but miles of deep blue ocean and smooth white sand. I breathed in as a fresh wind danced through my hair.
I could say anything. I could want anything.
“I want to hear you say my name,” I finally said.
“Tessa,” he whispered.
I melted.
Tugging at his T-shirt, I struggled to get it off. I wanted him, and I wanted him now. Cade sat up enough that I could slip his shirt over his head and toss it to the side before leaning over and pressing my lips to the pulsing vein along his throat. He groaned and titled his head back to give me even more access.
“Tessa,” he breathed, as natural as any exhale. “Tessa.”
I moved up to scrape my teeth against his earlobe before licking a hot, wet line just behind his ear. I watched goosebumps travel all down his arms and did it again just to see it all over again. I would have kept doing that until the sun fully set and the stars’ reflection shimmered over the surface of the water, but the heat between my legs urged me on.