by Virna DePaul
“I don’t see it that way,” I argued.
He shook his head. “It’s true. When you decided to do this sex study, I was against it. I thought you’d get hurt. But look at you—you found two guys who genuinely care about you. And you did that all yourself.” He sighed. “You don’t need me. I’ve been holding you back. I know that now.”
“What are you talking about, Ellis?”
“When I saw you the other day, in your bedroom…” he started, “I almost couldn’t believe it was you. You were…you were so confident and so powerful and so— Fuck. You’re amazing, Tessa. Look at the numbers you got tonight. You don’t need me. Not for help with the sex study. Not even to pump you up to do auditions. You just need to listen to yourself and do what you’ve been doing.”
I couldn’t think straight. I squeezed my eyes shut to force my dizzy brain to work. Why was he saying this? Why did he keep saying I didn’t need him? And why did he look so sad?
“But, Ellis…”
A car pulled up along the sidewalk and Ellis glanced over to it. “Look, that’s my date,” he said, pulling off his nametag and fidgeting with the edges. “I ordered you an Uber. It’ll be here any minute.”
Feeling numb from head to toe, I stared dumbly as Ellis stepped forward, kissed me on the cheek, and whispered, “I love you, baby.”
He didn’t look back when he got in the car.
And then he was gone.
Ellis had told me he loved me—as a friend, of course—and then he’d left me. And somehow, it felt like he was leaving me forever, and I couldn’t help the tears that streamed down my face at the hollow feeling of loss that came over me.
Ellis
My date—I think her name was Rebecca—slid her fingers along my inner thigh and toward my crotch as she sped along the highway toward a producer’s party in the Hills. She cupped my balls and curved forward until the strap of her dress slid off her right shoulder, revealing a small, perky tit. She pressed her stiletto further onto the gas, sending her Lamborghini passing one car after another. When she moved to stroke my cock, she paused and glanced over at me.
“Everything okay, baby?” she asked pointedly.
Normally, I would be rock hard at this point and unzipping my pants like a fucking over-eager high school kid so she could jerk me off with those long, thin fingers. But my dick lay limp, totally unreactive to Rebecca’s efforts.
The truth is, I had barely even felt her touch as I stared out the window and watched the streetlamps flash by at eighty miles an hour. Because I hadn’t really been in the car with her at all during those first twenty minutes. I was still under the bright lights of a Holiday Inn conference hall with Tessa’s arms around my neck, lips pressed together in a kiss I’d imagined a million times but had never expected to ever happen.
And even as it was happening, I couldn’t help thinking that the kiss wasn't about us, wasn’t about Tessa genuinely desiring me, but just another byproduct of the New Tessa adventure she was on. We’d been competing for numbers, and she’d been drinking too much, and I’d been giving her shit, and we’d kissed. I’d immediately wanted to sweep her up in my arms and haul her away so we could undress and make love forever, but I couldn’t—because I didn’t have forever with her. Not in that way. I had to remember that when it came to finding guys for her sex study, she hadn’t even considered me. And I couldn’t keep doing it. I couldn’t keep pretending it didn’t bother me, helping her so she could fuck other men. I’d always be her friend, but I couldn’t keep doing that for her because each time I did, it was chipping away at my heart.
“Ellis?”
“Huh?” I turned to find Rebecca glancing between me and the road, concern on her face.
“Is everything okay?” she asked, reaching to pull back up the strap of her dress and cover her exposed breast.
I was about to tell her I was fine. Absolutely fine. But I was done lying to myself.
I wasn’t fine.
Because I was in love with Tessa Juliet Stewart.
And she was the only woman I wanted to be with.
“No, actually, everything is not okay. Sorry, Rebecca, but I need to call it a night.”
Who the hell was this new Ellis, and where the hell had he come from?
I was so fucked.
Chapter 16
Tessa
Two days later, I was in Cade’s VW van, parked along a remote part of the beach, the air oppressive in the tight van as I bounced up and down on Cade’s cock in the front seat, head bumping against the ceiling, back hitting the steering wheel, fingers clutching at his shoulders, Jamie in the passenger’s seat watching us, stroking his own cock.
My mind kept slipping from awareness of what was happening with my body (good god was this delicious) to what had happened two nights earlier at the mixer (good god was that painful to remember). I’d done my best over the last two days to ignore what Ellis had done and had doubled down with fucking my new besties. But still, I missed Ellis with an intensity that tightened my chest every time I thought of him, which granted, wasn’t nearly as much when I was having sex.
Which is why I was having a lot of sex.
“Fuck him harder,” Jamie growled out. I obliged and suddenly Cade reached over and wrapped his long fingers around Jamie’s dick.
Oh god, this was hot!
A whispered “fuck” from me was all it took for Jamie to thrust up into Cade’s fist. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the sight as I rolled my hips over Cade’s pulsing penis. Cade hurriedly pulled me off of him and came hard, and Jamie soon followed his lead.
After I caught my breath, I moved to grab my lace panties, but Cade stopped me.
“We’re not done until you come, Tessa,” he said.
“It’s really okay, I’m—”
Jamie pulled me over his shoulder and ducked down to carry me to the back of the van where Cade had a thin mattress. He laid me down with a gentleness I never expected before spreading my legs apart. Cade crawled back to join him, and then both were suddenly between my legs. My fingers twisted in their hair and my back arched as their tongues started to work my wet pussy. I was certain that the whole state of California could hear my screams as I finally came.
Jamie and Cade waited until my orgasm ebbed, then settled down around me.
“I’ve fucked in a train, a plane, a boat, and even a goddamn convertible,” Jamie said, hands behind his head, staring up at the roof of Cade’s van. “But that was a first.”
Next to him, I sighed in contentment as Cade laid gentle kisses all up and down my neck on the other side of me. The late afternoon sun poked through the open windows as the ocean breeze swept in to cool our bare skin, glistening with sweat. The whole van glowed in a golden light that made the three of us look like an orgy of Greek gods—and a goddess.
“First for me, too,” I said as I lazily traced the tattoos across Jamie’s chest.
“Same here,” Cade said.
Jamie’s fingers that had been playing deviously with my still hard nipples paused and he lifted his head to look across me toward Cade.
“You’ve never—”
“I got this van to live in to save money for law school,” Cade said, shrugging, “not to fuck housewives by the beach.”
Jamie pinched my nipple and whispered, “We have a lot to make up for in this van, don’t we, lassie?”
I laughed and shoved his hand away. He was turning me on more than I wanted to admit. “At least you two will get eight thousand dollars from the sex study, so long as we get selected.”
“Nah, lassie,” Jamie said. “You keep my 8K. I’m not taking money to fuck you.”
“Same with me,” Cade said, nibbling at my ear. “Keep the money.”
“But you need it to help with law school,” I argued, then turned to Jamie. “And you keep quitting bands. You need to start your own solo career—maybe use the money to record a demo or something.”
“You came up with the idea, lassie. You’re work
ing to make all this happen. I’m just happy to fuck you wherever and whenever, and if some lunatic scientists want to study us as it happens, fine by me.”
“Same here,” Cade said simply. “Tessa, you’ve brought something wonderful into my life.” He glanced at Jamie. “This is…this thing between the three of us, well, it’s good. Really good. I have enough for law school, but you need the money to jumpstart your career. You’re going to nail the audition.”
The audition for the role Ellis had found me was now a week away. Cade and Jamie had helped me run lines, and I knew every line, understood every nuance. Ellis had been right—it was like this role had been written just for me.
“You mean it, don’t you?”
“What, about the money?” Jamie asked.
“No, you…you believe in me. You care about me. This isn’t just about the sex study or even the sex?”
Cade grinned and grabbed me and rolled me over onto him so our chests were pressed together. “I’m glad you’re finally getting it, babe.”
I placed my hands on either side of his face and stared down at him before leaning down to kiss him. His lips were soft and sweet and gentle.
Then I hissed into his mouth when Jamie slapped my ass, hard.
I gave him a chiding look. “You’re going to have to share, you know?” I said. “You’re going to have to watch me do this.” I moved my lips back to Cade’s. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Jamie slowly sit up, cock rising with him.
“And this…” I kissed my way down Cade’s chest as he played with my hair and also watched Jamie who seemed to be doing everything in his power to hold himself back.
“And this…” I nestled myself between Cade’s legs and sucked his nearly hard penis into my mouth.
“Well, I’d be happy just to have those little fingers wrapped around my cock while the hippie fucks your mouth, Tina,” Jamie said with a dark smile.
Cade’s cock fell from my mouth with a wet pop.
“Sorry,” I said, shrugging, but with a naughty smile on my face. “But my hands are for Guy Number Three.” I stroked an imaginary penis next to me. Jamie crossed his arms, though I saw his dick still twitch at my hand job charades.
“You’ve got two hands the last time I checked, lassie,” he grumbled.
I moved my other hand to join the first around the invisible shaft. “He’s very big,” I said, winking.
“And who is this big-cocked third man?” Cade asked, stroking his dick slowly when I sat up and leaned against the side of the van.
I covered my face with my hands and groaned. “I have no idea,” I admitted. I was pretty much out of ideas at that point. I felt like I had tried all that I could try. And with the date to turn in the sex study application fast approaching, I feared I wouldn’t have a full roster, save some last minute miracle.
“What about your hot friend?” Jamie asked.
I dropped my hands from my face and gave him a look. “It has to be three men, Jamie. Three men, one woman. I’m the woman. We need another guy.”
His eyes sparked. “I meant Ellis. He’s a guy is he not?”
My mind flashed back to the image of Ellis leaning against the wall in my hallway and the outline of his long, thick, hard cock clearly visible even through his jeans. Yes, there was no doubt about it: Ellis was a man.
I forced a laugh and tried to dismiss Jamie’s suggestion with a casual wave of my hand. “Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t need him,” I said, my bitterness all too apparent.
“Excuse me?”
I shook my head. “Never mind. But Ellis is just a friend. He doesn’t want more.”
Jamie snorted in disbelief.
Cade pushed himself up onto his elbows and looked from me to Jamie and back to me. “How do you know he doesn’t want more?”
“Because we kissed! And he hated it. He pulled away, not just physically but emotionally as well. He told me how I didn’t need him anymore. Because I was New Tessa. I’d found you guys and he’s content for me to have you.”
Jamie snorted again, and I glared at him until he held up his hands.
“Lassie, he’s lying,” Jamie declared. “He wants you. He just doesn’t think you want him. After all, you didn’t ask him to do the sex study, did you?”
“Well no, but that’s because he…because he’s Ellis,” I said, as if that explained everything.
Was Jamie right? Did Ellis want me, but was hurt that I hadn’t asked him to do the sex study? Did he really believe I didn’t need him and was just pushing me away in order to avoid being hurt?
“He’s acting like an idiot and so are you,” Jamie expanded.
Uh, excuse me? I mean, I’d been wondering the same thing about myself but to hear those words coming from Jamie hurt.
“The two of you keep talking about this ‘New Tessa’ like you’re some brand new person. And that’s bullshit,” Jamie said.
“It isn’t,” I said, looking to Cade for support, even though I half knew I wouldn’t find it since the first day we’d made love had been the same day he’d said I was a bold Tessa all along, I just needed to let her out.
Sure, enough, Cade just smiled at me then said, “Tessa, we were never attracted to you because of who you were going to become. We were always attracted to you because of who you were, because of who you still are.”
Cade’s hand moved to hold the back of my neck, thumb tracing circles over my cheekbone. “Hell, I wanted you the very first day I saw you getting onto an elliptical.”
“And I wanted you from the very first time I banged on your apartment door to ask you to turn down your TV,” Jamie added with a mischievous grin.
I chuckled, because I remembered that night. The second I turned down my television my new asshole neighbor started pounding on his drums and hadn’t stopped since.
“The only thing that has changed, Tessa, is that you now see everything that we’ve always seen,” Cade smiled.
“You’re not different, lassie,” Jamie squeezed my hand enclosed in his. “You’re just ready now.”
I turned from Cade’s gentle thumb to raise a curious eyebrow at Jamie. “"Ready? Ready for what?”
He shrugged, “Ready to be you. Wonderful, marvelous you.”
I pondered his words as Cade placed a hand on Jamie’s shoulder. “That was really sweet.”
Jamie brushed his hand away and I caught him blushing as he grumbled, “Shut the fuck up, hippie.”
Cade laughed and leaned over to kiss my neck and shoulder and arm while I pondered their words. They thought I was ready to be me. And it’s what Ellis had implied as well. That I’d always been amazing on some level and didn’t need him anymore.
On the one hand, maybe he was right.
But on the other hand, he was definitely wrong.
“I have to go,” I said suddenly, pulling away from Cade and Jamie, who had each nestled against me on either side.
Their heads clanged against the side of the van, but I barely heard their protests as I grabbed my panties and wiggled them on. I pulled on a shirt that I wasn’t even sure was mine. It didn’t matter. After giving both Cade and Jamie and quick, smacking kiss, I flung open the back doors of the van and hopped out as I tugged my shorts back on.
“I love you guys,” I called and then I was off.
It wasn’t that far. I’d run. Well, run-slash-walk. Or maybe more accurately walk-slash-run. Fine. I’d basically walk.
But as I reached for my shoes, Jamie snatched them back with a booming laugh.
“Whoa, whoa, there.” He pulled the shoes back as I lunged for them.
“But there’s somewhere I need to be,” I said dumbly.
“We know,” Cade said, crawling into the driver’s seat. The engine of the old VW van sputtered to life as I stood there. “We’ll drive you.”
Jamie’s big arms wrapped around my waist and he hoisted me back into the van, closing the doors behind
me as the tires screeched on the tarmac.
“You don’t know where I’m going,” I said, leaning over the driver’s seat to see the beach highway fly by over Cade’s tanned shoulder.
Next to me Jamie shook his head and laughed again. “Of course we do, Tina.” He winked at me as Cade accelerated even more. “And I love you, too, by the way.”
I sucked in my breath as I took him in, my Irish rogue with the beautiful green eyes.
“I love you, too, Tessa,” Cade said.
I burst into tears, happier than I’ve ever been.
I just hoped after I did what I needed to do, that I’d be even happier.
Chapter 17
Tessa
A caveman, Elvis, and a woman in a futuristic maid outfit all walked by me complaining about the LA traffic, so I knew I was getting close.
At the security gate to the studio, Cade had tried politely explaining to the guard that we were on a romantic mission. He’d talked about love and fate and world unity through the power of kindness between total strangers. When that failed entirely, Jamie handed over a $100 to the guard who’d shrugged and deliberately turned his back on the pedestrian entrance. I kissed each of my men—and yes, they were mine—on the cheek before sprinting through the gate.
This was the place I always dreamed of working. But as I hurried past camera booms and Parisian sets and racks of costumes, I knew I wasn’t here to chase that dream.
I was after a dream far more dear to my heart. I was after a dream that terrified me even more than any casting call ever could. But I was here. And I was ready to make that dream mine.
I was running so quickly at this point that I passed the set for the soap and had to turn around, breathless and sweaty, to reach the door. The inside of the dark warehouse was busy with activity—interns and actors and set designers and producers and writers and assistants all bustled about—and there were tables piled high with delicious looking sandwiches and chips and brownies. Huh. If I got a role, I could basically eat for free.