by Virna DePaul
“Everything will be different for you, Tessa, once you have thirty-two grand in the bank,” Ellis said. He, too, had offered to give me the 8K he would have earned. None of them wanted the money. So why did they still want to sex study? Was it just so I could have the money? Or because they wanted some scientific confirmation that we were good together.
And with that thought, my brain went even further into dangerous territory.
Ellis, Jamie, and Cade had each told me they loved me. But nothing had ever been spoken about what happened after the sex study. Would we still be together or all go our separate ways? Was it ridiculous to think that we could all… What? Have a permanent, committed, exclusive relationship together? Because that’s what I wanted.
They’d helped me prepare for my audition, and after it was over, no matter what happened, I wanted to help them. Help Cade fill out his applications for law school. Help Jamie record his new work. Help Ellis with a script he was interested in writing. I’d help them the way they’d helped me. Each of us could take a turn going after our dreams, with the others providing support.
But maybe I was alone in that desire.
“So when is it again?”
I looked up from my cup of coffee to see Cade leaned against the counter, his arms crossed.
How could he not remember the audition was tomorrow? I opened my mouth to answer when Jamie interrupted me.
“The thirtieth, right?” he offered.
“Thirty-first,” Ellis corrected. “I hope we’re picked.”
“Me, too,” Cade responded, and Jamie high-fived him.
Acid ate into the back of my throat and my heart felt like it had been vacuumed empty. Silly me, here I thought they were talking about my audition.
But no, it was the sex study. Everything between us came back to the sex study. That should be fine. After all, me getting the acting part wasn’t guaranteed by any means, and I needed money if I was going to get a new place and stay in L.A.
Logically, I knew it. But somehow, every time Jamie, Cade or Ellis mentioned the sex study, I felt my heart break a little more.
And I didn’t know what to do about it.
Chapter 20
Tessa
The next morning, I crawled out from beneath the tangle of Ellis, Cade, and Jamie’s bodies. I got ready. Then, pausing at my bedroom door, I looked back longingly at Jamie with his tattooed arm flung over his eyes, Cade twisted in the covers, and Ellis’s body still molded to the shape of mine, and it felt like saying goodbye.
I would be back of course. But I wasn’t sure if things would be the same.
After much agonizing, I left them a note.
ECJ,
I’m sorry. I can’t do the sex study. I hope I’m not pissing any of you off—or letting any of you down. Seems like I do a lot of that. I tried to be someone new in pursuing this sex study, but I guess in the end, it’s just not me.
- T
As I rode the city bus to my audition then got off and walked to my destination, I tried to recapture the confident spirit from yesterday morning before breakfast. I’d anticipated walking into that audition with my head held high, shoulders back, heart steady and even. Instead, I almost tiptoed my way down the sidewalk, and my voice shook as I gave the receptionist my name.
Now, sitting in the waiting room, I checked out the competition (holy shit—she was auditioning?), dreading the calling of my name. Everyone looked like they belonged there. And me? I felt more than ever like I was in a world I was not supposed to be in, a world I did not deserve to be in.
The director’s assistant peeked her head out of the audition room and I sighed in relief when my name wasn’t the one called. The woman next to me stood, followed after the assistant, and closed the door behind her. I say relief but that doesn’t mean that my heart was beating any less frenetically as I stared at the closed door, knowing exactly what was behind it: my one chance, my future, my potential for a new life. My career, my fame, my success.
My. One. Chance.
What the hell had I been thinking? I couldn’t do this. There was no way in the world that I was going to get his part. No way. It was laughable. And I would have laughed right there in that waiting room if I wasn’t busy trying to keep myself from throwing up.
I had to get out of there. This was a mistake. I wasn’t ready. I had to go. Hurriedly, I stood and grabbed my purse. I was out of the waiting room and rushing down the hallway in seconds. I shoved open the front door of the building and I was halfway down the stairs when I saw Ellis and Cade on the sidewalk.
“What are you doing here?” I said, freezing on the stairs and staring in surprise down at them.
They looked up at me in just as much surprise. Ellis recovered first. In a plain white tee and jeans, he crossed his arms, jutting his chin up toward me.
“I think the better question is, ‘What are you doing here?’”
“Me?” I said incredulously, pointing to my chest.
“Yes, you,” Cade, wearing sweats and his shirt from the day before, looked over my shoulder. “Shouldn’t you be in there?”
“I was just—”
My train of thought was lost when Jamie came running up in nothing more than his boxers. Bare feet, no shirt, no pants. Just the boxers he’d stripped off before bed the night before.
“Finally found parking in this godforsaken, fucking city!” he shouted at Cade and Ellis. “Let’s get inside and— Oh. Tess, what are you doing here?”
“Why aren’t you wearing clothes?” I asked instead, ignoring his question.
“We were in hurry to get here once we found your note,” Jamie explained, somewhat out of breath.
“But…” I glanced at Ellis and Cade, who somehow both managed to be fully clothed.
“Are you done with your show? Is she done with her show?” Jamie turned to ask Ellis and Cade.
“Audition,” Cade clarified. “And we don’t know. Tessa?”
“Ellis and Cade have clothes on,” I said, pointing to each of them as proof.
“Tessa,” Ellis growled.
“I mean, how long does it take to put pants on? Like, ten or so seconds? And a shirt?” I fidgeted, shifting side to side on the stair above them. “Seven? Eight seconds?”
Jamie added the final, “Tessa.”
That was the “Tessa” that broke the camel’s back. And I was the stupid, scared camel.
“I can’t do it,” I wailed. I sank to the stairs and buried my head in my hands, rocking back and forth as I went into full blown panic mode, complete with plenty of tears and a heavy dose of choked breathing.
“Everything is riding on this,” I cried, voice muffled behind my wet hands. “I mean, my whole future could change with this one audition. I have the chance for a new life, and who knows if I’ll ever get another one like this. If I don’t nail this nothing will change. Nothing at all.”
“So?”
I was probably only about a tenth of the way through my dramatic, emotional, Oscar-worthy speech, but the single word stopped me in my tracks.
“Huh?”
Sniffling rather pathetically, I parted my fingers so I could spy Jamie, Ellis, and Cade all standing in front of me five stairs down.
Ellis shrugged. “So what if nothing changes?” he clarified. “So what if everything stays exactly the way it is, right this very moment?”
Cade, with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his loose sweat pants, looked at me with a kind, gentle smile. “So what if we all stay together, supporting each other despite the lack of fame or money or success?” he asked. “So what if it stays exactly like that and never changes?”
Ellis nodded and said, “So what if the love we have for one another is the only success we care about? So what if we eat ramen for the rest of our lives, as long as we eat it together?”
“So what if you’re jobless and I don’t go to law school and Ellis never wins an Oscar and Jamie gets kicked out of every band there ever was so long as we fail togethe
r?” Cade said next.
“So what if they pick someone else and it launches her career and she earns a star on the Walk of Fame?” Ellis asked. “She doesn’t have what we have. And she never will. She doesn’t have us.”
It took an extended moment of silence for Jamie to notice Cade and Ellis staring at him. He nodded and mumbled, before saying, “Right, right, I see what we’re doing here.”
I laughed through the tears as he turned his attention to me.
“So what if all we ever accomplish in this life,” Jamie said, passion filling his rough voice, driving it even louder, “is fucking each other and holding each other and fucking each other some more and laughing with each other and drinking wine or whiskey or vodka or kombucha, or whatever the fuck it’s called, all of that together,” he said, eyes aflame. “So what if the only thing we do perfect is this?”
Jamie awkwardly gestured to the four of us with his big bear-paw hands. He cleared his throat and scratched at his neck as his cheeks reddened slightly. It was the first time I ever saw the man get embarrassed about anything. And he was standing in downtown LA in nothing but his boxers.
“Happy?” he asked grumpily, averting his eyes to stare at his bare toes.
Through my tears I nodded. Swiping them away I stood and walked into the awaiting, wide arms of each of my men. They encompassed me, holding me tightly from all sides. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against one of their chests. I wasn’t sure whose chest it was. And it didn’t matter.
“I changed my mind about the sex study because I didn’t want anything to change between us,” I said, sniffling, trying to explain to my men what still was confusing in my head. “I thought if we were picked and the doctors said we weren’t compatible, or when the study was over and the erotic idea of it had faded, that I’d lose you all. I’d lose us. And I think that’s why I freaked out about this audition. It is huge. And it could change my life. And I’d been equating the audition with the sex study, not even realizing I was worrying about the same thing.”
“I get it,” Jamie said simply, surprising me—and surprising Cade and Ellis, too, each of whom looked at him with understanding in their eyes. “You weren’t ready to trust who you really are. Who we really are.”
My breathing evened out and sobs no longer caused my chest to shake. I smiled, and suddenly it seemed like a spotlight was on me, shining and shimmering and filling me with warmth.
I didn’t have money nor was I an actress yet, but I had success, the greatest success. And I needed to be brave enough to admit that to myself.
“Nothing is riding on this audition, Tessa,” Ellis said. “Nothing at all.”
“You’re already perfect to us,” Cade added.
After a quiet moment, Jamie spoke just loud enough to be heard over the honking of horns, chatter of pedestrians, and radios of cars stuck in the perpetual LA traffic, windows rolled down in the heat.
“We’re perfect,” was what he said.
“I know,” I said simply. “And I believe.”
I let them hold me tight for a precious moment longer before pushing them gently away. I breathed in deeply, smoothed down my hair, and looked up at them with unwavering eyes.
“I’m going to go back inside.”
Each man smiled down at me. Ellis reached over and brushed a stray tear from my cheek. Jamie squeezed my shoulder in his big hand.
And Cade said, “We’ll be here, waiting. All of us.”
I blew them a kiss and hoped it conveyed just the tiniest fraction of my thanks for each and every one of them in my life. I would get the part. Or I wouldn’t.
But it wouldn’t determine my happiness, either way.
Even if I didn’t get the acting part, I’d get a job as a waitress, just like other struggling actresses in L.A. It might mean less time to devote to auditioning, but it would also mean I could support myself and stay where I belonged, here with Ellis, Cade, and Jamie, who were clearly around for the long haul. Even if I waited tables all day and all night, I’d be happy.
Because happiness was being the real me. Happiness was the confidence I’d uncovered from deep down within me with the help of my three men. Happiness was their fingers against my skin at night and their arms around me in the morning and that wasn’t going anywhere. They would be waiting for me.
All of them.
Ellis
I watched Tessa run back up the stairs until she disappeared behind the door, and then turned to look at first Jamie and then Cade.
I was no stranger to sex foursomes. Hell, a foursome was just another Tuesday night to me, some weeks. When it came down to hot bodies writhing together in a bed or pool or first class flight cabin, the more the merrier. But this was different, what I had now.
Those people were faces blurred by alcohol and weed and late night hours. They were there and then they were gone. There was no risk, no risk at all.
This was all risk.
Sex was easy. Trust was hard. The more we put into our relationship with one another, the more time, the more emotion, the more vulnerability, the more we could get hurt. It wasn’t just two hearts prone to being broken, it was four. Four hearts, four futures, four lives. I was afraid for myself. I was afraid for Tessa.
But it took mere seconds that morning for all of that fear to disappear forever in the blink of an eye.
A half-hour earlier, I’d woken up to see the note Tessa had left on the bedside table. I’d immediately understood the subtext of what she’d written: she was scared.
Cade and Jamie woke up as I stumbled out of bed.
“What’s up?” Cade asked as Jamie rubbed his eyes next to him.
“I have to go.” I tossed the note at him and hurried to tug on the nearest pair of jeans.
“Go where, lad?” Jamie grumbled sleepily.
I was pulling a white tee over my head as Cade skimmed the note.
“Tessa,” Cade said, climbing out of the bed. He handed the note over to Jamie, then scooped up his clothes. “Where are your keys?” he asked.
I stared at him. “You’re coming?” I asked.
Cade didn’t even bother to look at me as he searched the floor of Tessa’s bedroom for the keys to my Mercedes. “Of course,” he said. “She needs us.”
All of a sudden Jamie was running past me, Tessa’s note in one hand, my keys in the other. “I’ll drive,” he shouted from the hall. “You all drive like little pussies.”
I stared in confusion at Cade, who merely grinned and shook his head.
“You don’t have clothes on,” I shouted at Jaime.
“My pecker’s covered,” he called from the front door. “Now move your fucking asses.”
I couldn’t help but smile as I ran after Jamie and Cade to my car. They didn’t hesitate. They didn’t need to be asked. They didn’t even need clothes.
They would be there for Tessa.
And I loved them because of that. Everything else we would figure out along the way.
We had all the time in the world.
Chapter 21
Cade
“I feel ridiculous.”
Jamie and Ellis sat on Tessa’s bed and were clearly trying to bite back smirks as they assessed me from head to toe. I tugged at the mint green scrubs Ellis had “borrowed” from his soap opera set.
“Are you sure you’re not going to get in trouble for stealing this?” I had asked him when he handed over the folded bundle for me to try on.
“Borrowed,” he’d insisted. “And besides, have you ever even seen a soap opera? Trust me, there’s plenty of doctor costumes lying around.”
Two weeks had passed since Tessa’s audition. She’d rocked it, she said, but also admitted there were several well-known actresses also going for the role. Today was the day she was supposed to get a call from her agent to learn if she got the role or not. She said she wasn’t worried, but honestly, we were. Us guys. We all wanted this for her so bad—not because she needed the role, but because she deserved it.
/> So Ellis had come up with an idea—distract her (ahem, us) from the tension of waiting on the call by creating our own sex study. Because yeah, Tessa had never turned in the application. None of us minded. The study had been hers to control, hers to direct. And in the end, she’d determined it wasn’t part of who we, as a foursome, were.
The idea of doctors watching the four of us fuck was still hot, though, which was why I was currently standing in front of Ellis and Jamie in medical scrubs clearly too small for me to the point where you could see the outline of my biceps and shoulders, but also the outline of a muscle a little further south of the border.
“I don’t look like a nurse or a doctor,” I complained, catching sight of the tight material over my ass in Tessa’s mirror. “I look like a male stripper.”
“Perfect.” Jamie grinned from ear to ear.
I attempted to loosen the shirt, but quickly stopped, fearing I might rip it.
“Come on,” I said, pointing to each of them, who were practically chortling like school kids pulling a prank on an unsuspecting teacher. “You two aren’t in full costume. How come I have to be?”
“Whoa, now,” Ellis held up his hands, “I’ve got the stethoscope here. And this medical bag.”
Ellis wore not a goddamn thing but black Calvin Klein boxer briefs and a stethoscope around his neck. A medical bag across his lap made it appear as if he was wearing nothing at all.
“Yeah, and I’m the sexy receptionist,” Jamie interjected, pointing to his pair of black, thick rim glasses.
He, in fact, was butt ass naked and made no qualms about it as he propped himself up on his elbows on the bed.
“You clearly have the best bedside manner. The calmest, the kindest, the gentlest,” Ellis continued, listing off my virtues-slash-reasons why I had to wear these ridiculous scrubs. “You have to be the nurse.”
“And remember, my hippie lover, this is for our dear lassie, after all,” Jamie said. His tone of voice was the same as usual: casual and nonchalant and seemingly entirely detached from any trace of emotion. But he felt everything that I felt; he just didn’t use his lips to say it.