‘You’ll hardly feel a thing...’
He pulled her down, kissing her. Letting her feel how much he wanted her right now.
‘Too late, honey. I’m already feeling something...’
* * *
Last night had been amazing. As if they’d both been trying to push back the future that they both knew was coming. Ben had driven every other thought from her head, and she knew that he was one hundred per cent there and with her.
But time was trickling through her fingers. England wasn’t so very far away—Arianna’s father had been known to fly to London for a meeting or a party and be back home within the space of twenty-four hours. That wasn’t the issue. The problem was whether she and Ben could reach a place where they felt able to carry on their relationship, and there was so little time before he was due to leave.
She’d thought that maybe one more night, a few hours when passion drove every other thought from their heads, might allow them to gain a little perspective. But she’d woken that morning to find herself alone.
Arianna got out of bed, putting on her light cotton dressing gown. Ben was outside on the veranda, sitting staring out to sea.
‘How are you doing?’ She nodded towards the dressing on his side, which was visible above the waistband of his jeans.
‘Fine. No problem...’
Right. That was the least of her worries settled. Arianna sat down next to him. He didn’t move to pull her close, the way he usually did, and suddenly she felt very alone.
‘Can we do this, Ben?’
‘We are doing it, aren’t we?’
His words smacked of denial. An attempt to avoid the one thing that neither of them seemed to want to talk about. Only they had to talk about it.
‘That’s not what I mean. You know it.’
He nodded. ‘I think the least we can do is part as friends.’
No. That would never work. Arianna took a breath, trying to steady herself. ‘Knowing you, Ben...it can’t ever be friendship. It’s always going to be a matter of wanting you. Loving you, and being loved by you.’
She could see the pain, blooming in his eyes. ‘That’s something we can’t do, Arianna.’
Then he must tell her why. Frame the reason into words for her, to give her something to hold onto.
‘Why not?’
Ben turned the corners of his mouth down, staring out to sea. ‘Emma...’
‘You still love her?’ If he did, then he should say it.
‘That’s not it, Arianna. I failed Emma and... I promised myself I’d do everything I could not to fail Jonas. That I’d be there for him, and protect him. The other day—it just reminded me that I can’t protect both of you. And Jonas is my child; he needs me...’
Yes. She knew that. Arianna swallowed down the impulse to tell him that she needed him too. ‘Do you think I could care for you if you weren’t such a good father to Jonas?’
He shook his head resignedly. ‘I don’t suppose so.’
It was make or break now. All that Arianna could feel was grief, because it seemed impossible that this wouldn’t break them apart.
‘Has it occurred to you that I don’t want you to protect me? I don’t need you to look after me; I just want you to love me. Give me a reason why I was the one that was saved and not Xander.’ The words came out in a rush of feeling and rather more honestly than Arianna had expected.
He looked at her blankly. Then suddenly his lip curled in an expression of incredulous frustration. ‘Surely you don’t need me to give you a reason, Arianna. If you’re so blind that you can’t see how important you are as a person...’ He shook his head.
Then she was blind. Before she’d met Ben, her work had been the only thing she could offer to justify her place in the world. She’d begun to see a little of her own worth by looking through his eyes. But now he was going to destroy all of that, by leaving her.
‘All I can see, Ben, is that you’re ripping us apart.’
* * *
He knew what he was doing. Ben had held out one fragile hope that talking about things would stop the inevitable. That was gone now.
‘You want to be part of that great experiment, do you? Staying together in the hope that we won’t tear each other to shreds?’
She pressed her lips together. Arianna knew just as well as he did that this was exactly what would happen. He was even more determined that he had to leave, now that she’d betrayed how little she thought of herself, because Arianna needed space to grow and thrive, unhampered by his constant need to protect her.
‘And you know exactly what’s going to happen, do you?’ She jutted her chin at him.
‘No. I just know that you deserve a lot better than anything I can give you.’
She looked at him, reproachful tears in her eyes. Then suddenly, as if she’d made a decision, she stood up.
‘The trouble with you is that you saved me once, and now you think it’s your job. And in case you were wondering, yes, I do find it infuriating.’ She stamped her foot, grimacing as her bare toes hit the wooden boards. ‘But you’re not going to make me watch you go. I’m going out.’
He knew what she was asking, and it came almost as a relief. ‘I’ll be gone by the time you get back.’
‘I’ll leave my car keys...’ One last morsel of concern that tugged painfully at his heart. He couldn’t accept it; it would weaken his resolve.
‘Don’t. I’d rather walk back to the hotel.’
She couldn’t even look at him now. Arianna turned, storming into the house, and he heard the shower running. Then silence, followed by the sound of the front door slamming shut. It was one of the many things he loved about her, that she never did anything by halves.
Ben stood for a moment, leaning on the rails that bordered the veranda. Willing himself to keep breathing and his heart to keep on beating. If he could get through these moments, stop himself from going after her and promising her anything if she would just stay with him, the next ones would be easier.
Why did doing the right thing hurt so very much?
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
WHEN ARIANNA RETURNED HOME, the house was silent. No mess in the kitchen, no sandy footprints on the veranda. It was as if Ben had never been there. She’d locked herself in her office at the health centre, throwing herself into work, and now, looking around at her empty house, she could feel the tears welling up.
She opened the fridge and surveyed its contents. Wine or ice cream? Neither of them were going to make her feel any better, and she decided on wine now, so that she could keep the ice cream for later.
She knew that Ben was right, and that it was useless. Trying to make this work would only tear them both apart. Their story had started on the day he’d rescued her, and now the fallout from that day had ended it. Arianna poured herself a glass of wine, and even after a large gulp of it she wasn’t able to smile at the irony of that, because it was all too cruel.
She topped up her glass and walked out onto the veranda. Every last sign of him was gone, apart from...
Her gaze lit on Jonas’s water cascade. Of course, he couldn’t take that with him; it was far too complex a contraption, and would have fallen to bits if Ben had tried to move it. They’d had such fun building it.
Tears started to roll down her face and Arianna picked up her glass, heading out onto the beach. Her life, Ben’s life, they’d both better be perfect from now on. Well lived, full of professional success and personal happiness. Because that was about the only thing that would ever compensate her for losing him.
* * *
Ben hurried back to his London surgery. Amalie Cutler had an appointment with him this afternoon, and he’d gone down to the hospital himself to get the test results she’d been waiting for. Her consultant was on holiday, and they’d been sitting in his in-tray for the last week. Ben had begged his secretary
to give them to him, and she’d relented with a smile. When he’d opened the envelope he’d seen that it was good news.
It was the first time he’d really smiled in weeks. He’d turned the edges of his mouth up for Jonas, even laughed with his son and hugged him, the way he always did. But the staff at the busy London surgery had received short shrift, and more than one apology. He was a little busy, or a little stressed, all codewords for heartbreak. He missed Arianna with every fibre of his being, and as each day passed he only missed her more because it was longer since he’d seen her last.
But finally. This was something to smile about. Ben walked to his surgery, throwing himself into his chair and switching on his computer. Good, Amalie was first in line, so she wouldn’t have to wait.
He pressed the intercom and called her name. Amalie was looking well, her blonde hair growing again after the chemo, and she’d obviously been to the hairdresser and had it cut and styled.
‘How are you feeling, Amalie?’
‘Good. Fine really; it’s just... I’m waiting for my results. My consultant’s on holiday now and, as you haven’t got them back yet, I suppose they’ll be another two weeks.’ Amalie pursed her lips and Ben noticed the dark rings under her eyes. Waiting had obviously taken its toll.
‘I’ve been up to the hospital and collected them. They were ready; they just hadn’t been sent yet. I’m happy to tell you that it’s good news.’
Amalie stared at him, her hand flying to her mouth. ‘Good news? You’re sure, Dr Marsh?’
‘Yes, I’m sure. The tests you had at the hospital showed that your cancer is in full remission. We’ll still need to see you from time to time, and I’d advise you to continue seeing your cancer nurse for support and to discuss any ongoing issues. But this is an important milestone.’
Ben handed Amalie the envelope he had ready on his desk, and she opened it with shaking hands. She stared at the sheet of paper inside blankly and then looked up at him, tears in her eyes.
‘I... I don’t really understand what it says.’
‘That’s fine. Would you like to sit quietly for a moment? Just let it sink in.’ Ben suspected that anything he said now would be forgotten in the rush of emotion.
‘Yes. Yes, please. I’ve got to call my husband and tell him. And my mum...’
‘I’ll get someone to make you a cup of tea, and we’ll find you somewhere private for you to make your calls. Then you can come back here, and we’ll discuss exactly what the letter says and what your next steps are going to be. Along with whatever it was you came to see me about today.’
‘Today...?’ Amalie looked at him blankly, and then smiled. ‘I’ve not been sleeping. I’ve been so worried about my results and I thought I’d have a while to wait still, so I wondered if there was something you could give me, just for a couple of weeks. I don’t think I’ll need anything now.’
‘Okay. We’ll leave that then, shall we? Let me know if the sleeplessness continues...’
Amalie had already taken her phone from her bag and was obviously eager to make her calls. She got to her feet, clutching the letter to her chest as if it were the most precious thing in the world. Ben ushered her to the door but she stopped, grabbing his hand to shake it.
‘Thank you so much, Dr Marsh. Not just for this but... You’ve been there for me all the way. You’ve made such a difference...’
‘It’s my pleasure.’ Ben could hardly get the words out. The warm thrill he was feeling right now was familiar, but he hadn’t experienced it since Emma had died. It had taken a trip to Ilaria to find the one person who could show him the way back to finding this feeling of fulfilment. Arianna.
* * *
Jonas had taken to the idea of board games, and every evening after tea Ben sat down with him and played draughts. Tonight, the newly established ritual didn’t feel quite so painful.
‘Are you cheating again, Jonas?’
‘No, Dad.’ Jonas looked up at him with innocent eyes.
‘You’re sure about that? How did your counter get from there, to there?’
Jonas studied the board carefully, and then moved his counter back to the proper place. Ben usually allowed Jonas to win, but he tried to stay within the rules while doing so.
‘What do you reckon, mate?’ Ben took a sip from his glass, and Jonas picked up his juice and did the same.
‘What about, Dad?’
That was always the way they started up any conversation that might lead to a decision of importance. And this decision might just be the most important of Ben’s life.
‘You know what taking a risk means?’ Ben took two of the tiny apple cakes that his mother had brought for Jonas yesterday from the plate that lay between them on the table, putting them carefully on the table next to the draughts board. They were just beyond Jonas’s reach.
‘You can grab one of those easily, right out from under my nose. If you try for two, I might be able to stop you.’
Jonas thought for a moment, weighing the matter up. Then he lunged forward suddenly, grabbing an apple cake in each hand and whipping them out of Ben’s reach.
‘Gotcha, Dad!’
Ben smiled. There was nothing wrong with Jonas’s motor skills and he was constantly having to up his game if he wanted to outwit the boy. Soon enough he’d be applying his full concentration to their board games and Jonas would still beat him.
‘So you did. I’ll have to be a bit quicker next time, won’t I.’
‘Yes, you will.’ Jonas popped one of the cakes into his mouth.
It was an imperfect decision, but the same one that Ben had made when he’d plunged into the water after Arianna. Jonas was willing to take a risk, and set his eye on the greater prize. His actions weren’t tempered by the fear of loss, he was a little too young to know what that really meant, but maybe that wasn’t an entirely bad thing. Maybe it was the only way out of the dragging unhappiness that had followed Ben back from Ilaria, and wouldn’t let him go.
‘Your move, Dad.’
‘Oh. Yeah, sorry.’ Ben studied the board, his mind still buzzing. Was it really that simple? Later on tonight, when Jonas was in bed, he’d make his decision.
* * *
Life on Ilaria wasn’t all sunshine and sunsets. The sea around them held harsh realities beneath its sparkling surface. There would always be sickness and strife, disappointment and hardship. Arianna loved the slower pace of life and the beauty of her island home, along with the community who had taken her in and made her their doctor, not just the daughter of a man who had the money to make a difference to the island. The sunshine and sunsets weren’t bad either.
But now she hardly noticed them. Her body ached when she got up in the morning, even though she’d had a full night’s sleep. And the emptiness when she found that Ben wasn’t there was worse than any dream.
She’d kept going, though, working hard to dull the pain. And somehow a little of Ben stayed with her. Convincing her that her life had not been saved in exchange for Xander’s. His death was and always would be a tragedy, but her place in the world was hers by right.
But she was tired. It was late and it had been a busy week, and all she wanted to do now was to eat something and get an early night. Tomorrow was Saturday, and she had the whole weekend in front of her.
She felt her phone buzz in her pocket as she let herself into her house. Dropping her bag on the floor, she sent up a quick prayer that this wasn’t someone who needed a doctor tonight. She pulled out her phone, looking at the screen. Ben.
Right now, a text summoning her to visit a patient would have been more than welcome, as something to take her mind off the sudden, painful hope. The fear, because she knew that Ben wouldn’t get in contact with her unless it was something really urgent. The way that prickles travelled up her spine, just at the sight of his name on the small screen.
She should just del
ete the text without reading it. Impossible. Perhaps she’d read it and then delete it. Her fingers were trembling so much that the phone slipped through them and clattered onto the floor. Arianna retrieved it quickly, relieved to find that, although the screen had cracked, it was still working.
I want you to know that I love you. Without you I’ll always be drowning.
What? Arianna looked for another text that might elaborate on that, maybe give her a clue about what to do next. She knew there wouldn’t be one. Ben wouldn’t ask her to do anything with this information; he’d just let her know where he stood and wait for her answer.
I love you. He hadn’t said that before and neither had Arianna, although it had been on the tip of her tongue. But there had been love in everything they’d done together. Love and trust.
I’ll always be drowning. That was Ben all over. The man who saved others, but who brushed the importance of that away without a second thought. He saw only the ways in which she’d saved him.
She could do this. Doing this would be the best thing she’d ever done in her life. The most difficult, terrifying, wonderful thing she’d ever done.
‘Wait.’ Arianna took a deep breath, admonishing herself out loud. ‘Sleep on it. Call him in the morning.’
She got as far as going out to the kitchen and taking a bottle of water from the fridge, before the utter impossibility of the plan hit her. She didn’t need to think about this. She’d known her answer from the day she’d met Ben.
Taking her phone back out of her pocket, she checked again to make sure that there wasn’t another text that she’d missed. Then she dialled.
‘Father...’
‘Arianna?’
‘I need your help...’
She heard her father catch his breath at the other end of the line. It was unusual for him to be lost for an immediate answer to anything, and when he did speak there was an uncharacteristic tremor in his voice.
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