The transport stopped in the drop-off zone in front of the complex, and Bren paid the driver before shoving the door open and climbing out. Kendra followed, still unsure of what to say, let alone what to think of Bren’s outburst.
Bren looked back at her once, his eyes dropping to the ruined scanner still clutched in her hand. Then, shaking his head, he turned and strode right for the security station at the gate.
Kendra held back, trying to give Dina time to prepare for the shield, but she followed Bren’s progress unhappily as he passed through all the security checks. He never looked back once.
8. Friendship and Friction
The next day, after class, Kendra waited for Bren in her usual spot. She perched nervously on the retaining wall that edged the planter full of bare dirt, left empty during the cold winter months, still trying to decide what her tactic would be. Apologize for risking his life the day before to try and get a qualian energy reading? Yes, that was a definite one. But then what? Apologize for treating him like her “dumb sidekick”? The trouble was, she wasn’t sure what she had been doing to make Bren feel like that. She’d always just seen him as a friend. Yes, a gigantic friend and a clumsy one at that, but she never thought of him as stupid. He just didn’t know about Dina and how it affected her relationship with others. But how could she explain that to him when she couldn’t mention Dina at all? After waiting in the cold until her nose was growing numb and the chill from the wall was seeping through her pants, it was obvious that Bren wasn’t coming. Was he still angry from the day before or had something come up?
When she saw Zara walk out of the doors of the lecture hall, she hopped down off the retaining wall and hurried toward her. Zara had the same class as Bren.
“Zara!” she greeted. “How are you?”
“I am doing well, Kendra. How is your day?” As usual, Zara didn’t look at Kendra straight in the face. Instead she kept her eyes averted. Kendra tried not to mind, strange as it was. She knew by now that Zara considered direct eye contact the height of rudeness unless with a close friend or family member. But from Kendra’s point of view it made her feel invisible, as if Zara found her unworthy of notice.
Different cultures, she reminded herself.
Oh yes, Dina said. Just wait until I introduce you to Ulyssa. That will probably make Zara seem as familiar to you as Tiran.
“My day is great! Except that I was hoping to meet Bren Westley, and he hasn’t come out yet. Did you notice if he was in class?”
Zara frowned, turning her gaze back on the building. “Westley . . . I am not sure who you are talking about . . . Wait, you mean that elephantine boy from Krati?” She wrinkled her nose in distaste. Kendra remembered that Zara didn’t think much of frontier planets, Krati especially.
“Yes,” Kendra said, suppressing her irritation at what had to be an intentional slight to Bren. There couldn’t be more than thirty students in that class. Zara was a bright girl; she had to know who each of her classmates was by now.
Zara waved a hand. “He was not in the seminar today. I do not know why.”
Kendra bit her lip. Would Bren go so far as to skip class just to stay away from her? It didn’t seem likely, especially since she wasn’t even assigned to that seminar. But then two days ago she would have said it wasn’t likely that Bren would accuse her of treating him like a simpleton. Perhaps she didn’t know him as well as she thought. She was about to thank Zara and head off to the library on her own when Zara spoke with some hesitation.
“Since you do not have Mr. Westley to study with today, perhaps you would join me? I am in need of someone to practice my Denicorizen with, and my mentor is not often available.” She still didn’t look at Kendra directly, but when Kendra studied her face, trying to figure out how to politely decline, she caught Zara’s darted glance her way and noticed that Zara was holding her breath. Was it possible? Zara was not nearly so snobby as she appeared? Maybe she was lonely?
Maybe Zara needed a friend.
“Sure, Zara. I’ll study with you,” she accepted. Zara’s face blossomed as a wide smile stretched across her cheeks. It made her look like a completely different person.
“Thank you!” she said shyly, glancing skittishly Kendra’s direction. Kendra looked around one more time, but Bren didn’t come hurrying into view. She stuffed down her disappointment and hefted her jumpbag. “Off to the library then!” she said brightly to Zara. “We have some Denicorizen verbs to slay!”
♦
Kendra had to resort to cornering Bren after his afternoon seminar. He successfully managed to avoid her for almost a week, though Zara said that he only missed that first day. Since then, he had not once walked past their traditional meeting place at the wall nor made an appearance in their usual study room in the library. Instead, Kendra studied with Zara. Zara was still reserved, but she was a diligent student and she did help Kendra be a little more disciplined in studying Denicorizen. She was slowly warming up, though Kendra found it extremely difficult to read someone whose eyes never met hers. Kendra desperately missed the friendly companionship, humor, and silliness that used to lighten her study sessions with Bren.
This is ridiculous, Kendra grumbled. What is wrong with that boy?
He must have been angrier than we guessed. He’ll cool down if we give him enough time, Dina said philosophically.
Angry or not, Kendra couldn’t be as patient about it as Dina. She wanted to talk to Bren face to face and shake him if necessary until he understood that she didn’t think he was a dumb sidekick.
One, shaking him would be like trying to shake a giant tree. There is no way you could get him to bend, Dina said. Two, I don’t think shaking him is the way to convince him that you don’t think he is stupid.
Dina had a point, but as Kendra slipped out of her own class early to stake out the lecture hall where Bren’s seminar met, she still didn’t have any inspiration on how to convince Bren to forgive her so they could go back to being friends like before. When the students started to file out, she sidled closer to the door, afraid that Bren was going to slip away before she could catch him again. When the stream of students exiting the lecture hall slowed to a trickle and finally ceased with yet again no sign of Bren, she pushed her way through the doors, hoping he was still in the room. If he wasn’t there, she was going to march over to his dorm room and pound until he let her in, but she really hoped she didn’t have to do that. Chances were she’d run into Mikal too, and that wasn’t high on her list.
Fortunately, she didn’t have to run off to the dorms. She spotted him right away, in the back of a small knot of students who were gathered in a circle, heatedly debating something. When she got closer she wasn’t surprised to see that Mikal was in the middle of it.
“It’s all a fake,” he said derisively. “Don’t you watch any of the feeds at all? There have been several investigative reporters who have looked into it and proved that there was no such person as Sirra Bruche.”
There was a round of angry muttering in response, and the local girl standing next to Bren put her hands on her hips. “You are an idiot, Mikal. Of course Sirra Bruche is real. Who else killed Jaory Kruunde? You?” She laughed mockingly. “Next you’ll be telling us that Laeren Bruche was imaginary too.”
Mikal waved his hand. “Nobody’s arguing that Laeren Bruche wasn’t a real person. We have proof that he existed and that he truly was one of the leaders of the Revolution. But if he was truthfully married to some Citizen, where is she now? Jaory Kruunde is dead. There’s no reason for her to hide anymore. I tell you, Laeren Bruche was never married, but our current corrupt leaders want you to think he was. They want you to believe that there are Citizens out there who would risk their lives for Denicorizens. But it’s a farce.” His tone was bitter.
“You know that’s not true,” Bren said evenly.
Mikal shrugged. “You are the exception that proves the rule. You�
�re a frontier boy, the kind of Citizen who’s an outcast inside the Union. Of course you’d see me in a friendly light. But even you would never go out and literally fight for the freedom of all Denicorizens. None of you Citizens would.” He pointed his finger around the circle, taking in the four Citizens who were part of the debate. Kendra moved a little closer, hoping she could slip in beside Bren without attracting any attention from Mikal.
If the locals agree with Mikal, this could spiral out of control quickly, Dina said nervously.
But they didn’t seem to. Conversation continued passionately, but not angrily, with most of the students, local or Citizen, defending Sirra Bruche. They clearly trusted the stories about the mysterious Citizen heroine who had fought for the Denicorizen revolution and killed the last king, Jaory Kruunde. Kendra used their distraction to slip up next to Bren and tug on his sleeve. He looked down and flinched, as if he had seen a rat on the floor. It stung, but Kendra wasn’t about to let a little hurt stop her at this point.
“I need to talk to you,” she said softly, not wanting to be heard by all the other students.
Bren ignored her.
“Come on, Bren,” she pleaded. “You can’t do this to me. You at least owe me an explanation.”
He sighed heavily and then stepped away from the group.
“I’ll see you guys later,” he said with a farewell nod, then started in the direction of the doors. “You can walk with me back to my dorm,” he said stiffly, not even glancing in Kendra’s direction. “But I’m kind of in a hurry. I have an appointment soon.”
“An appointment?” repeated Kendra, hurrying after him.
What kind of appointment? she wondered. Did he find a new study partner? Or change his mentor meetings?
Joined some kind of secret society? Dina proposed. An addiction recovery support group for boys trying to walk away from their friendships?
That isn’t funny.
Of course it is! Dina chuckled.
Outside the lecture hall, Bren sped up. Kendra broke into a light jog to keep up with him.
“Bren! Won’t you at least let me try to apologize?”
“I’m not stopping you,” he said gruffly. Kendra grimaced. What had turned him into this hostile stranger?
“OK,” she said, trying not to sound out of breath. He wouldn’t look at her, but she plunged forward anyway, hoping desperately that something she said would thaw him out. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry for putting you in danger in that alley. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. Please forgive me?” she asked contritely.
Bren glanced at her without breaking his stride, his face inscrutable.
“Yes. I forgive you.” But his tone was devoid of feeling. He might as well have been forgiving a ceramic statue. Still, she would take what she could get.
“So will you study with me again? I miss you.” She looked up at him, searching his profile for some sign that he missed that study time too. But he only looked straight ahead, his jaw clenched and a muscle twitching in his cheek.
“You have Zara with you now,” he said, looking away. His pace increased a little bit. She raised an eyebrow. So he had paid enough attention to know what she had been doing this week. He wasn’t ignoring her completely.
“Well, yeah. She asked me to. I think she’s lonely,” Kendra explained. “She doesn’t have any friends that I know of, and she’s very reserved.”
“Another project like me, huh?” Bren said, his voice edging toward anger again.
Kendra threw up her hands, though she still kept jogging so she could stay even with Bren. “You’re not a project, you’re a friend. You’re both friends!”
Bren was silent until they reached the glass door entrance to the dorms. Then he stopped and suddenly swung around, his jumpbag swinging and knocking into the new sign post declaring, “Welcome to Damato House.” It snapped backward, and for a moment they both watched in fascination, wondering if it would stay upright. When it tumbled to the ground, Bren sighed, picked up the sign that had been added when the building was renamed after Morek-Li Damato’s death, and stabbed it back into the dirt.
“That’s the third time I’ve done that,” he muttered. Kendra smothered a smile, hoping he didn’t notice. He didn’t seem like he was in the mood to see it humorously. “Look, Kendra,” he said, turning to face her at last, “you can’t be friends with both Zara and me. At least not if you intend to spend time with us at the same time. Zara loathes me, and I don’t think that is going to change. In fact, I don’t want it to change. I’d rather know who my enemies are.”
“Enemies! Zara’s not an enemy! She’s just shy,” Kendra protested. “Besides, just because someone doesn’t like you or perhaps even looks down on you doesn’t make them your enemy.”
Bren snorted. “Yeah, says the girl no one looks down on. The niece of the ambassador to Corizen, which means that all the locals give you some respect. And apparently everyone on Terra knows who your grandfather is. Some rich guy that even Hugo speaks of with awe.”
Kendra’s jaw dropped open. She’d never heard anything during her whole stay on Corizen from the Citizens about Grandfather Forrest. And the locals didn’t treat her with any special respect because she was the ambassador’s niece. If anything, the other students seemed to ignore her more. She didn’t live with them, and she didn’t fit into any of their established cliques. If it weren’t for Bren and Tiran and Dina, she would have probably gone crazy with loneliness herself. She put one hand on her hip and jabbed her finger up at Bren’s chest. “Bren, I hear at least as many insults about being from a backward frontier planet as you do. Do you think Zenith matters to Hugo or any of the other Terrans who are so concerned about status? Even Zara squirms if I mention my home planet.” Her voice was rising as her irritation built. “But I won’t let their prejudices stop me. I’m not going to hide away and wallow in self-pity, wishing I was someone that I’m not!”
“You think that’s what I’m doing? Wallowing in self-pity?”
“That’s what it sounds like! Poor Bren gets no respect from anyone.” She threw in that last bit in a singsong whine. Bren scowled at her.
Um, Kendra . . . ? Dina started hesitantly.
Kendra mentally growled in return.
Never mind. Dina retreated back into watchful silence.
“You truly are a stuck-up, selfish brat, just like Mikal keeps telling me,” Bren muttered.
Kendra swallowed, her pique instantly deflating. Her stomach clenched as if he had just punched her in the gut.
“You really think that?” she asked, her voice quavering. Bren didn’t answer her; he was staring at the paved walkway as if the meaning of his life were engraved on it.
He doesn’t mean that, Kendra, Dina interjected hurriedly. Can’t you tell? You hurt him and now he’s trying to hurt you back . . . it’s not real, you two just need to talk . . .
Kendra spun on her heel and hurried away, the tears already flowing fast. She needed to get away before Bren saw how shattered she was. How had she let him have that much power over her? Why did it hurt so much? Why was she never good enough? Everyone in her life eventually left her or sent her away. She wrapped her arms around her torso, trying to press against the throbbing ache in her chest. She felt like the fourteen-year-old girl who had awakened to learn that her parents were leaving her far from home without any chance of coming back. Abandoned by someone she had trusted.
I will never abandon you, Dina reassured.
Only because you have no choice, Kendra countered wildly, her mental distress increasing by the second. She had to get away; she had to escape, but where would she go? There was nowhere far enough away to escape from herself. It was something broken about her.
If I woke up free tomorrow I would stay with you, Dina promised. If you trust in one person, let it be me.
For the next hour, before Ken
dra cried herself out curled on her window seat, Dina kept repeating it, as if mere repetition would be enough to convince Kendra to believe it.
I will NEVER abandon you. Trust in me.
9. Deepening Gloom
Over the next few weeks, Kendra tried to adjust to her new routine, one that did not include Bren at all. Every day she still went to the library to study; sometimes Tiran came with her, though she often didn’t hang around since she was now spending nearly every afternoon with Markus. At least once or twice a week Kendra studied Denicorizen with Zara. Though Zara slowly started to thaw around her, she was still quite reserved, and Kendra struggled to find common ground with her. Zara’s family were wealthy traders (common among many of the students), and she was being groomed to take the lead in the business as she grew older. She talked a great deal about economics and contracts and the ethics of business, something that Kendra never considered at all. Not that Kendra was uninterested in ethics, but it never occurred to her that there might be rules to follow. Kendra just lived by the ambiguous notion that she should try to do good to other people in general, not cheating or otherwise harming them. Apparently, this was not specific enough on Zara’s home planet. Motambiquers had developed a code of ethical business conduct that was over three hundred rules long, and Zara had memorized every one. Not only that, but she was intensely interested in the commentary written by the ethicists on Motambique to elaborate and explain the way these rules should be applied in just about every hypothetical situation. Or at least it seemed so to Kendra. She was willing to listen to Zara, since it mattered so much to her, but Kendra couldn’t say that she exactly looked forward to their study sessions, not like she had with Bren.
She didn’t know if Bren was still angry at her; her own anger had dissipated right away, and she regretted her words before the end of that first day. But rather than risk rejection from him again, she chose to avoid him as much as possible. For the most part it was easy—they didn’t have any of the same classes this term and they attended a different afternoon seminar, and she didn’t ever hang out in the student lounge anymore. Once or twice she saw him in the cafeteria, but she always fixed her eyes on her food and finished eating as quickly as possible, escaping from the room without ever meeting his eyes. She went out of her way to avoid walking past their old meeting spot, and she made sure that all her library studying was done on an entirely different floor from the room where she and Bren once spent every afternoon.
The Search for Ulyssa Page 11