I want everything of you

by Deborah Fasola

  "You have lesson with Mister Camden..?"

  "Talia, this is my name" i say to her for the first time, after i notice that she tryied in some way to remember my name that she does not know "And yes, i follow his course."

  "Well, Talia, i'm Caroline and i suppose that in about five minutes we'll go at the same lesson. Do we go togheter?" She smiles and she is beautiful.

  Besides her i come to be that ugly duckling and Wiley would flay me alive if she will know that i have a conversation with a girl like her, betrayed her, that is very jelous about our relationship.

  But i know that i can't be friend of a girl like her, because those like Caroline are out my reach, while Wil, for example, who doing with a dancer in her group is different.

  She is not like me- luckely for her- but she is human, sweet, friendly.

  So Caroline won't ever be my friend, but what's wrong if I'm going in the same direction of her now? Wil will never have to worry about it while I can brag about it with Isaac.

  He will be the man who serves me, but he is also incredibly painful about my psychiatric progress, because he still has to make a report of my sessions to my parents and because that is his job.

  I have to scratch straight if I do not want to be dragged back at home, because after you do things like the one I did ,does not count the greatest age or conscience, tranquility and the right way, it does not matter: you're always on the razor's edge you depend on others and on the system.

  So that's okay, I smile.

  "Okay, come on" i do not want to do the nice because those like if you approach those like me is just because they want something or are aiming to have a shoeshine, someone to climb or use as a trampoline to climb higher.

  Sometimes with Lily it happened like this.

  I immediately dismiss the thought and try to free the mind.

  Together with Caroline I leave the library and we cross the courtyard of the faculty, where billboards and indications of every origin and origin are heading, and everything is perfectly organized.

  I repeatedly bite the tongue because as we walk I'm tempted to ask her about her boyfriend and tell her that I slept in her room.

  I'm very bad, but I laugh at just thinking I can do it and then look at her face.

  I hate girls like that, those who think they are wonderful, even if they are after all, but they do make it exalted with their essence from splendid with the smell under their noses.

  I'm also a doughter of someone rich and i detest this thing, but under my nose i only smell the taste of paraffin that is inside my cocoa butter. And i also know that it hurts, but i can't stop, depends from what i did.

  My life is a long list of addictions, a broke ladder that not permitt me to clim.

  "Will you be on the sand this night?" she asks me after we pass the courtyard and the inner lawn and being, in silence and discomfort, approximate at the to the structure that houses the classroom of the humanistic lessons.

  "Which one?"

  "At Victoria it will be a party a little bit alcoholic on the beach. But it's an event to say hello to the summer that is coming with midnight bath. Naked." Caroline stops, she puts her backpack on the shoulder, shakes is head to give her the usual tone of pussy and then she winks at me while i'm just shoked by the association of words beach-bath-naked, i pull a stunted smile that certainly comes out as if i had just been hit by a paresis.

  She will call a teacher or 911, probably, asking an ambulance for the possible ictus of a new friend of the campus.

  "I don't know, i see if i have no other commitments" i wounded like i'm a grimly cat who difends himself shouting in a shrill voice.

  "Well, so i'm waiting for you" she says, showing that she understood everything and then winks at me to follow her inside.

  She will probably be someone wake, there is no doubt.

  Or she conprehended my discomfort from the start and this is only show to make me in difficult, maybe she saw how i looked at her boyfriend while they were dancing and now she wants to punish me.

  That absurdity, then, because i did't look Jax, even if he is sexy, i have to admitt, but she never knows this.

  We start to go straight to the corridor that smells of sweat and ammonia and, knowing that it is not so, because here almost everyone is doing their own business, unlike the high school - the college is also good for this - I feel all the eyes on me of the one I'm walking with.

  As in those absurd American movies where the beautiful in turn teaches the rascal to tan in fashion and become irresistible.

  Well, It will not happen to me, and then i'm not a rascal, God.

  Anyway, once we enter the classroom I have only one certainty in the midst of this madness of Caroline who almost wants to be my friend, that party, nakedness and night are not just things they would do for me.

  So no, thanks, for sure my new dear friend will not see me tonight.

  I mean really, this is one of the few sure things in my life!

  .9.

  Jaxon

  Before at the campus and now here.

  It seems that Koala has stuck to my dance partner (and bed) and i feel just worried by this thing.

  Party on the beach, black ocean, welcome summer and sea that if it was not so flat i would surf even if it is night. All ruined by the presence of that shrew who seems to follow me.

  Here, at the party, at the commercial center. I was wrong to bring her in my room with me and now i pay the consequences above all this night in which i want only drink and have sex with someone.

  Why she follow my dance partner or, if we want to be more specific, my sex-friend?

  Point the look on the various bonfires that we have lit along the strip of beach of Selta Bay, the person slipped just on the sand from the small promontory that dug the valley where I am, near the shore, and reach the party passing by the table of the Improvised DJ.

  He is Justine, an okay guy who also knows Malik and Matt, and we sometimes call to give voice to our parties.

  On the blackboard planted in the sand is the chalk inscription: Welcome Summer, and the damp heat that surrounds us, even if it is evening, makes me already gasp and I can not wait to get to the bathroom.

  Also because the girls are undressing all and even if we do well we males, we usually look at all the beauty that surrounds us.

  A dark thought suddenly crosses my mind and my eyes are sketched on Koala standing next to Caroline and the girl who fucks Matt, listening to conversations intently, as if she does not give a damn, and brushes off her locks of facial hair from time to time.

  Then i imagine she is undressing. So innocent, so misfit and apparently chaste.

  Will she do it? Does she know that it is an incontrovertible custom?

  I do not understand why I am so badly attracted to that nothingness. Not that you are looking for easily accessible pussies, on the contrary, I do not really look for anything, yet she attracts me as it does a beacon for a missing on the high seas.

  It makes me thirsty to understand and know if I should laugh or die of excitement if I found she naked in front of me.

  I have a passion - like every male and heterosexual human being- supposing for the naked female body, for the right form, for sex. And if I think about the idea of seeing her and then laying her down and riding her, she comes to me and I feel like an imbecile.

  I do not like Talia, she is not even close to the model of a woman I would see with me and I am amazed instead of how Caroline can keep her close as a friend. So, she is beautiful, for heaven's sake, but she is tanned like my grandmother after the war, she seems a misfit.

  But thinking Care is good because if you can not beat it with reason you have to do it with friendship and maybe I could do it too, become a friend and stop having stupid mischievous thoughts about her and her presentable presence, for a ride of absurd words.

  "Hey, mate, are you with us or are you lost elsewhere?" Matt's voice, which has materialized I do not know when by my side, brings me back to re
ality and shakes my head to free me from my thoughts and pretend with him too.

  I succeeded well lately, despite him being the best friend I have and I would like.

  "Here i am and i am ready" i nod to give me a tone that i'm losing behind the spells of a hag witch i don't know.

  Because she must have done it to me, seeing as a weight to her body and to her as if they were something i might like.

  Stop, Jax, stop thinking about her, you are obsessive!

  "Is not she beautiful?" it's a pity that Matt bring me back with my sight there. At the group of three girls, mine, his and Koala that jars in the middle.

  My mother would tell me, amused and pungent, that those who despise want to buy. Luckily she is dead and she can't do this.

  Insted i don't despise and i would not buy of course.

  "Well, you had sex with her, i would like to see that you didn't find her sexy" i reply in another way and he looks at me curiously, but a sad light crosses his eyes for a moment.

  "I never have sex with her."

  "What?"

  "She gave me a blowjob, but she said that for a sex she wants to wait to get to know me better" he finally sentenced nodding his head, as if the absurdity were shared by him too.

  I burst out laughing convulsively.

  "Oh, brother, I have to tell you, a blowjob is a blowjob and it's she who finally gets stuck."

  "How does Caroline fuck?"

  "It's a sexy bomb" I tell him proudly, staring at my blonde who realizes it and stops talking with the other two for an instant and dies in my eyes with her winking and half-smile.

  Too bad that here, like the rotten parsley, like the weed, Koala turns to look at me as if I'm watching my girl.

  She annoys me but I fix it too, ignoring now the whole outline.

  Are you staring at me?

  I do not understand who she is, what she wants, why she stands in the middle of my feet and what all this means.

  This! My erection, my obsession, her interest.

  I had to let her die on the beach after Roger's party.

  Maybe she's a psychopath.

  "Well, brother, how about starting this party?"

  Matt offers me the punch I hit with mine, nodding suddenly with my head and then we divide.

  It's like a viral disease when we leave the two of us. I'm not part of his university but this is our party, that of the dancers, of my gymnasium, and in fact we dance and give each other inside, even though there are many infiltrators.

  Next to the music pump fires and some of our make many acrobatics.

  There is a lot of alcohol and I hope that no force of the order interrupts this innocent madness: we have to say goodbye to the summer. The school is almost over, the Christmas is close and everything is really top, if nobody disturbs us.

  I pass among the people and precocious girls throw my arms around my neck. Someone prints kisses on my face, someone else puts a bottle of beer in my hand.

  "Hey, buddy, what a great party!" Jareth appears behind me and finally comes back to us.

  "Fuck, boy, but where you came out, you're in perfect shape!" I clap my hand on his and he hugs me like an old friend revisited after a long time.

  It has been missing for six months. He was in Europe for a cultural holiday, one of those bullshit that almost everyone here or elsewhere and that I will never understand, and not just because I am the busted son of nobody who flees from what little he has for not having rules . But fuck, I'm twenty-one years old, those at the moment I do not need them anymore.

  "I had a fucking journey, very long and destructive, and then I heard from my sister that the annual scalding party was tonight and here I am."

  "Hey, Reth!" Matt falls over us literally jumping behind us, loses us forward and greets our friend. We laugh and for the first time we are calm, something that we can not live very little lately, because of the troubles that each of us has.

  My main trouble is my brother, of course. But also a life that sucks doesn't make me things better.

  We say two bullshit and toast with two half empty bottles and for a while i fell really good.

  "I go to pee" i suddenly say felling the urgent need.

  The others laugh and I stagger with my usual cool look over the sand dune I know will cover my natural expression.

  Belch, I pass my hand under my nose and, in the meantime, I demand from myself to recover my lucidity.

  Fuck, a couple of shotts and two beers can not reduce me so, despite being on an empty stomach and has an absurd hunger.

  I settle three the weeds of the beach and the noise of the zip of my jeans that is the only one I feel close, against music and screams more distant.

  The only set with those words.

  "What the fuck, but you're a nightmare! Can you always come where I am? Find another place!"

  I close my eyes I hold the jet despite having already freed my masculinity that I hold in my hands.

  It's absurd, it's not possible that it's her.

  She follows me, stalks me, tampers me.

  She's a fucking nightmare!

  "You're like a nightmare." tells me She!

  It is hallucinating this girl, I really have no words to describe it, but from here not to leave me even in situations like this passes. I do not mind very much, so I do something very bastard.

  I smile.

  "Oh my God, what are you doing? Cover up!" she screams after i'm tourning around myself to look at her, but without stand up my boxer. Bacause i'm a bastard without restraint or respect.

  And i'm standing there with my penis in the wind, my arms abandoned along my body and an asshole smile on my face.

  Like an asshole.

  That to call me so she had also guessed, that could just be my nickname.

  I see her looking at me where she should not, she blushes and then she puts her hands to her open mouth and turns around, with her back to me.

  "Can i know what you want from me?

  "What do I want, you're everywhere, and now you're even friends with Caroline to be with me."

  "Do you stand between my feet, please, you're the one who is always between my balls and shows me too!" in that blow and answer, that pingpong of words, her accusations make me laugh.

  She's fucked up and sincere, just as I imagined.

  I look at her shoulders, the shirt that covers the tight jeans that otherwise would have bandaged her buttocks allowing me to understand - or rather, confirm - that has a nice firm ass.

  She's very thin, but I know she has two legs out of her normal and beautiful full breasts. I wonder why i am thinking about this, but at the same time I decide that the torture is over, I turn around and empty my bladder one step away from my shoes.

  "Oh my God" she suddenly say, whisper, after some second to enjoiable silence. "Are you doing... pee here? In front of me?"

  "No, no. Behind you. You are behind my shoulder and i'm behind yours" i sly twist her, shake it and send it back where it must be: in underwear. Especially if Koala is near me.

  "You are disgusting" she disgusting says and this make me laught.

  I tourn around myself and i look at her, she is yet from behind but i know that she would tourn around and look in my eyes- or somewhere-, i fell it from the impatient of her little, impercetible movements.

  "What are you doing here, are you come here to make a pee yet?"

  "What? No! Hell, no!" she comments turning her head towards me but without looking at me or turning it at all, perhaps she is still worried that she can find my penis in the wind.

  Throw the eyes down, I do not know if she does it to make sure if I have locked the beast in a cage or because she wants to see it. In both cases it is understandable and I lick it, but I am being given to it.

  "What are you laughing? Why are you laughing... me, you... why are you laughing?" she repeatedly asks me to act as a pedantic teacher who wants to put you on the corner, but who is so embarrassed that she too gets messed up.

  Rig
ht now she's adorable, if I do not know who she actually is.

  A headstrong, unbearable, disused and stubborn stalker!

  Oh... and even a koala.

  I smile at my own thoughts and she scrutinizes me, looking at me with a questioning expression.

  "So let's see: you did not follow me, you were not here to pee, so what? You hide and run away from the party, maybe?"

  "Something like this", becomes a little bit to admit it and I get closer.

  The way in which she changes continuously, it sends me to the asylum.

  Before she is aggressive, then she is scared, then she is altered and finally closed in on herself and is on her.

  She is strange but of that strangeness that instead of making me run away as it should, now it teases me, damn me.

  The more I go to her and the more she stiffens, I see her, she moves backwards with her spall and tends her back, which causes me an insane desire to tease her again.

  "Soon there is the irremissible rite" i say to her, taking care to maintain the line of the smile, to look at her in the eyes so as not to allow her to flee and obligate her to an answer.

  Maybe she fallows in love with my arrogance.

  "The naked bathroom?"

  Fuck, she already knows... and in the meantime she changes again.

  This girl is a kaleidoscope of attitudes and expressions.

  In the midst of all her colors I risk losing myself, I love white and black.

  Right or wrong, inside or outside, live or die, i have never considered the nuances, but with her i'm forced to look it.

  She has a million of nuances inside her incomprehensible human being for me.

  But who is this little damned kid?

  Suddenly i realize that i shoul go away, but my forked tongue wants more.

  Why i'm getting so close to her?

  I scarely fell the chasm come to me.

  "Do you know that you are not forced to do this, right? We could go into the sea hand by hand."

  "Yes, of course" she defends herself, but with an ironic sense. I laught.

  "Don't laught of me" she adds serius and firm.

  "Jaxon! Jax!" Caroline's voice arrives to my ears like coming to the wind and leaved my muscoles in tension, without wanting to collapse forward with my head and snort, which makes her laugh I do not know for some weird reason.