I see Jax's jaw that hardens as if he were making a super human effort, and just when I'm starting, I do not know by what madness to hope that he now kisses me, the music I keep hearing, I do not know by way of what magic, it ends suddenly and someone screams and claps his hands.
That sudden sound brings us back to reality.
Quickly detaches me from Jax who immediately lets me go and together we look around confused.
We take a long time to see the two colored guys at the edge of the bridge. They have a bicycle each, one of which is for women and in the basket has a small stereo, the one that certainly accompanied us.
I did not notice anything.
I did not see the two looking at us and I did not understand that the music was real.
All this is crazy now I'm agitated.
"Absurd, you are fantastic! Very nice, brother!" one of them shouts to him and Jaxon claps his hands at the two of us who were proud, as if he too had understood that music was real only now, just like me.
I also try to laugh but I'm not hypocritical and I feel lost.
It's easy for Jaxon, for him it was just dancing, but I...
I see you.
His words resonate in my mind and while he turns to look at me, i think that in the end it's not true and that he doesn't even see me on the horzon because nobody can do it.
Thi thing is all wrong.
I feel bad at the center of chest and suddenly i don't want to be here.
Above all with him.
"Let's do this in the water" he suddenly says to me, stopping my tought and his glance towards our little improvised public that are moving away on board of two bicycles.
"What?" i incredulously say, hoping to misunderstand.
"Inside the lake, we are lighter in the water, it's more fun and you fight the heat" must be out of your mind.
"Come on, what do you have to lose? We'll dry off in a moment."
"Not even for a dream, except that it is forbidden and they would arrest us and then I do not even have a swinsuit" and even if I had it I would never wear it.
Never.
Nobody can see me, I think.
"Okay, you're right... then come, let's go back to the meadow," Jax says shrugging and taking a walk.
Strange, it was too easy.
Although it is true that it is very hot and I am breathless and upset, I think that I will then refresh in the shower in my room and for sure I will not do other follies with this guy.
I wonder why I accepted all this, perhaps only because of the great sense of guilt I felt towards Caroline.
It 's true that I asked to show me that acrobatics and then it was my fault if he broke his leg, but when I accepted this incident I did not expect that it would have been so... so intense.
I reach Jaxon walking towards the edge of the lake, among the tall grass. They are spikes of weeds more than anything, many of which I am also allergic, but today I feel good.
Turned the corner of the bridge and as soon as I find the shore of the lake next door, something terrible happens.
Jaxon, laughing, takes me by the shoulders and drags me down with him.
We literally fly into the water that greets us and while I scream in surprise and because of how disappointed I feel, Jaxon laughs and holds me close to him.
Lost when we are diving I spring, although i'm still scarey and scared and full of adrenaline together, so when we reemerge on the surface we are even closer.
"I can not believe you really did it!" I say the accusation but I also feel strange. Full.
Happy.
I do not understand I know this feeling because maybe I have not felt it for too long.
Or because I've never tried it.
I am who have the most monotonous and cruel life possible and that I certainly do not know what emotions or fun means, now I am inside a lake that is private property of the reserve, fully dressed and with a boy who normally has very little.
That makes fun of me, that uses me, that treats me badly and that forces me to dance, among other things.
Yet I am here, immersed in the liquid emotion of his eyes that, even if silent, I can no longer ignore.
"Are not you very well in here?" his voice is a whisper but I can not answer because stoving the limbs to keep me a float, although most likely if I stretched my legs touch, since he is a little taller than me and stands still and standing.
But I smile, strangely.
It is so absurd my reaction that he too is surprised, I see it.
He hardens the jaw and then as if he was the tentacle of an octopus, he raises his arm and grabs for my life, bringing me closer to him.
I do not understand what he wants, I do not understand which of his many teasing is being implemented.
"What would you like to do right now?" he asks me, still wondering.
Is it buried in answer to me?
Feel the clothes that band around my body and obviously the heavy shoes.
I will never dry and turn away and ride to the campus that everyone is going to celebrate. I will get sick.
But Lily's voice has gone away and we're alone now.
"I do not know, and you?" maybe if I had thought I would have answered something clever, but I can not imagine what I want to do because, almost certainly, what I would like is not possible.
It always happens in my life.
Good things, those that I would like, or belong to someone else or are impossible.
"I would like to dance with you here and now" when he says it has an incredibly low tone of voice and pulls me a little more towards him.
We are very close now and I have the same time fear but this is beautiful.
I'm confused.
He raises his hand that does not hold me back and touches my cheek, maybe he tries to catch a few drops of the lake as if they were mine to keep them safe.
No one has ever done such a thing for me, but I'm sure if he cried he would go too.
But I do not understand my heart, its movements and its eyes.
He sees me, he is watching me and approaching.
"You know, there are moments that go just like that" he whispers to me a step away from my face and I begin to believe that now, this incredible and unattainable boy, will really kiss me.
Me, a stupid child, a murderer, a daughter of a renegade father.
If he only knew each of my bad secrets he would not do it.
Yet he looked under my armor and had it that maybe it's worth it and I do not know what this means, I do not understand.
I tremble in his arms, I feel his heart, I go back and I go forward, I unload from the shore and I can swim, let me go among the imaginary waves and hold me close to a rock.
A ray of sunshine is the only thing that passes between us, even when the event is unable to filter more and when I now believe that madness is possible, a new deafening noise distracts us and makes me return to alareality.
I retreat with the bust but he does worse, he almost pushes me away and then swims back with shocked expression.
As if it were me who seduced him, as if he were under my charm.
As if he did not want me at all.
If he did not want the neighbor he tried all morning.
I come back from the thoughts and that grumpy movement that hurt me, just because I realize that to play with force is not the siren of the guardian of the lake but my cell phone.
I look at him and then our things on the lawn and, without saying a word, swim up to the point.
Without shaking the water off me, heavy as if they had loaded a ballast on my shoulders, I try to reach my little bag.
When I do, I can soak that and everything around them.
I look at Jax who is also filling the lake with madness and then my display.
"Do you not answer?" He tells me as if he had just returned normal, the asshole always, in short, and in the meantime he comes close to me.
This guy could be bipolar or he is completaly mad and stop
.
And i don't understand him while he is smiling to me.
I look at the droplets of fresh water from the nose continue to trace his profile and then that laying on his lips.
It's damn nice and I just wanted to trick me not to see.
But I snort and then look elsewhere, towards the horizon line between the sky, the lake and the vegetation around us.
"I do not know, it's my mum."
The word mom flashes on the display, making me annoy. And as usual my parent has a damn perfect timing.
"Come on, come in. But be careful not to flood the mobile phone too" Jax laughs and winks at the lake around us.
So I look at the light shirt glued to his chest and he does the same.
And then I look at the pants that mark his life and he too stares at me, like a game to whom runs faster with his eyes on the body of the other.
However, this game is dangerous.
My cheeks are burning and his look is mischievous now, and he bites his lower lip.
So I choose to be evil.
"Hello, mom?"
"Talia, you must come home immediately."
I open my eyes and look for those of Jax as if I were suddenly in need.
"What happens?" words, perhaps already anxious and certainly alarming, even he is careful and makes me closer.
The warm wind manages to make me shiver when it clashes with my body and my wet clothes.
"It's about your father, Tally. He had a heart attack," says my mother's voice, stifling the pain, despair, which I only now grasp and remember.
I fall, fall, mix.
Silence.
Return that voice.
"I told you, Tally, I told you that you'd make another mess, and now you'll get in trouble, always spoil everything."
And then there is still silence.
.18.
Jaxon
Present at the home of a girl whose father has just been taken away from the ambulance in serious condition, completely soaked and on a bike like two crazy is not the best, but I could not fail to bring it here on the fly, stunned when I got there.
Talia is one of them.
The villa of her family is as big as my neighborhood, but certainly not as disreputable.
So she lives here, she is one of those that I like to fuck so much but that I hate deep inside.
A rich daughter of dad.
I would never have said it.
I can not certainly blame it now, it would be cute because in short, look at her, agitated and shaky, voiceless, dripping- and curse, beautiful! - in front of the door of her house that does not know whether to play, cry or run away I am moved by and I do not know how it is possible.
She did not want to come here. After the call she received at the lake she hung up and repeated to me, as if it were a recorded record, and then asked me to take her to the campus.
Convinced her to take a trip home, after all for admission she lived nearby and then, fuck, that's her father.
I would run for someone like mine, if something like that happened to him.
I reject a call from Matt and then hit them on the arm as if to make her move, because you never know how much time you have available and I know it well.
Your parent might be sitting in an armchair a few moments ago that you might find empty the next day, without having had time to realize, to explain. To greet.
Because it's important what you leave behind.
Memories, the times in which you say i love you. Everything you share.
This is what counts, not thinking, not the words between the tooth that you don't say. And certainly not when you try.
The fact counts.
It's about being heard, being there. And I want her there because I've never been there.
And yet something that I can not understand the brakes, or maybe it's just upset.
"So, do you or do I have to call your mother screaming from here?"
She twists her hands and, with her hair soaked to the top, looks up and sighs repeatedly before answering me. And she trembles, and I can not say whether it is from the cold of wet clothes or from fear.
The only thing I know is that I would like to hold her, console her and keep her safe from the ugliness of life and it never happened to feel like that.
I've never felt a similar desire before. For anyone in the world.
"They'll be all right, are not they?" They're taking care of me. Mother is no longer in the hospital, they said it was so bad, last night, maybe she's not here at home, I do not understand. But i have some times, at bottom."
"We do not have enough time" I reply ready and I'm a little abrupt, but I say what I think as always and then I look at it.
And she looks at me, with the most disoriented and disturbed expression of the story that I feel tenderness that, after the accident in the lake, I am determined to ignore.
In short, no, enough!
Who the hell is this little girl and what's so special that it makes me lose control?
Is it her virginity to which I incessantly think, her modesty?
What a bullshit, even a boy, I heard it with my ears.
So what?
"I too thought I had so much time when my mother was diagnosed with cancer."
God, but why do I say this? Nobody knows this story.
But Talia turns and looks at me with those big puppy eyes and is afraid to play at home.
In. Her. Fucking. Home.
And I do not know if it's tenderness or damnation what I feel.
"Oh my God, I'm sorry, I..."
I interrupted her dryly. "We could have had six months or a year if she was doing chemotherapy, they assured. She lived forty-nine days after diagnosis and I did not do anything for her, although I knew she was left alone six months of life, I was angry with her, so what would you do if you knew that someone you love will die in six months? You do not know anything about death, Tal, it's subtle, it takes everything from you, destroys you, consumes you, it fills with guilt. So now it's playing with that fucking prick and leaving the fact that you're wet and scared, do not waste time, because time is never enough. Go to him."
"You don't know anything of fuck about me, Jax" suddenly her face changes and for how she treats me after that unpublished confession makes me turn the balls.
It was that the lower lips trembles, i would go and i leave her here alone.
"Go away" but when she says to me this, inexplicably i want to stay.
I look at her and she does the same, she escapes from me everytime i feel her close and it's better for me, because i don't want her close to me.
We continue to fight with glance until a female voice interrupts the battle.
"Tally, are really you?" so she turns and puts her eyes on her mother's figure, at the door, a little higher and far from us.
"Oh godness, you are drenched, what did happen to you? Come on, enter..." i also lay my eyes on that women, a milf assured, it's a pity that she ignores me.
Talia not and while she moves forward to climb the steps and enters the house, looking at me badly, but with the same look she also askes me to follow her.
"Who is he?" her mother asks to her just we enter in the house and i notice that lowers the glance to our et shoes that ruin her just polished marbles from a fuck waitress from est, of course.
But above all she talks about me how i'm not here with them, a thing that makes me mad since i was three.
"He is Jax, a college friend of her daughter" i respond to her because i don't tolerate abuses of power.
I fix her in the eyes while i'm doing this and i notice that they are like the my Koala's eyes but more intense. She has her hair stopped by a lot of hairpinps and dressed elegant even if she is inside home and she has a dying husband in the hospital.
"What's happened?" Talia distracts both of us.
"He is stable, but it was not a nothing. But what's happened to you, of course?"
"We had a bath in the lake near here" i set in
because i'm an asshole without respect and Talia turns quickly and looks at me very bad.
Also her mother looks at me bad,but the rich people look at me even like this.
"Can i see him?"
"He is in intensive care but yes, you can see him. I wanted you to come to the hospital with me. He will be happy to see you, but i didn't expect you to come as soon."
"It's because we were near here."
"Were you really at that lake? Do you not have lesson today?" the way in which she asks this to her let me hear that the lake is special, but not positively speaking.
Talia nods to one of the two questions- or both-, then looks at me while her mother signs closing her eyes.
"You should change now, you are drenched an you are getting wet all the house" Miss bitchy says at the end.
"I haven't some dress with me" I stretch out my arms and leave them on my pants, if not that the ten kilometers of motorbikes have already dried them enough and I can not splash water everywhere I would like.
Maybe I could do it by banging my feet on the ground, as the shoes are harder to get rid of.
No need to exaggerate, however, because the lady from the parfum of a thousand dollars to my littlemovement splashes back disgusted.
"Give him something of dad, he will fix it" she says to her daughter says and then looks at me again with hate before goes away.
I believe that she wants to kill me.
"If she could, she would like kill me" i whisper say to Talia, looking how wet hair is on her face. They adorn it in a wild and natural way.
"Shut up and come with me. I don't know how it's possibile that i'm here with you. It's absurd!"
We go towards aroom that i notice be hers. Or I believe this, because it's all pink.
"No, you really can't be here, sorry, i'm just... confused."
Tal blabber things nonsense but I decide not to give weight, on the other hand has just learned that the father is in cardiology intensive care and I imagine how bad she can feel.
"Two room after mine, on the right, there is the walk-in closet of mine. Take something from there, and i change my dress yet." She explains to me coming back just shine, even if now she has an empty and off glance.
"Okay and... hey, Tal, everything will be fine."
I want everything of you Page 12