I would swear by and I do not know why I'm so sure.
But I feel her vibrations that make me waver.
I can not take it for me, not her.
I have to preserve what we are.
Last thing that, in one way or another, out of it bizarre, allowed me to open up with her.
Yeah, just that thing.
She is the person who, without my realizing it, wants it or knows it, is precious.
So I have to defend her.
.21.
Talia
I open the water of the shower yet i'm arrived in the bathroom, only to can breathe quitly, seen the need of air and space that at the moment require my lugs.
He shouldn't be here.
Not after i kessed him, damned!
Why did i do this?
I enter under the water thinking that tecnically he kissed me after he told me everything about him.
Oh my God, i can undestand in depth what he did only now.
The jet of warm water bathes my face, clear my thoughts and slowly the good smell of berries of the shower gel relaxes my nerves.
He's out there and now I'm safe.
Jax does not know anything about me and I have to make sure he does not know.
My naked body, as always forces me to wash without looking and the advices I feel on the skin make me feel disgust for myself.
And if I try it let alone another person.
If I did love, now, with Jax, he would take off my clothes.
He would pretend it.
And for those like me it is difficult to accept the look of pain in those moments.
It's so hart to show what ourself hate.
He isn't Isaac, only Isaac knows everything and i convince myself to want only him.
I end the shower more long that i have ever do in my life and, like a fury, i dress up in the bathroom and when i slowly open the door, with the heart in the throat, the only thing already wet are my hair, that pad with a clean towel.
I go towards bed and the room is again dark.
I don't listen any noise not inside here and not outside, and i'm afraid that Jax was gone.
I take a few more steps, bringing my hair wet on one side to better dab it and I see it.
He is half-covered on Wiley's bed and is asleep.
I slow down and smile, then I count on getting closer and closer.
My wet feet on the carpet bother me, I am unaware and watch it.
He sleeps. A smile paints my face, as I imagined it was not here because I wanted something else. He just needed a place to rest, just like any other person.
I need it too I am wet, as I am, I turn back and lie down on my bed, watching him.
It's so unbelievable that it's here after all we've been through, just like I was there the first night in Matt's room. It is absurd that he is here after that kiss, that I am sure he did not want to say anything to him.
Be here, because in any case he came without constraints and now he sleeps beside me.
He sleeps.
And I can not describe something more beautiful and precious.
Suddenly I would like to dance with him, now, in this room and in the middle of the night.
I would like that contact, i want that he would touch me, that would slobber me from all shame and also know everything about me.
Only he can not.
I can not.
So I close my eyes and abandon myself to sleep, wondering if tomorrow morning when I wake up, he will still be here or, as the best of my crazy dream, he will have already fled.
***
Waste night like this only to sleep is a terrible blasphemy against happiness, even when only a few hour after i open my eyes with that awareness, and i put them on Wiley's bed, he isn't here yet.
It's morning, the light filters through the shutters and the hot is yet palpable although it isn't heavy.
Sketch sitting on the bed and i look around me.
The bathroom's door is open, the room is filled by silence and Wiley isn't here.
It takes me a while to recover and identify the strange ticket on the bedside table.
I smile.
Another would send me a text message.
I read it only after having opened the Venetian blinds and let in the light.
We will see at 18 in the gym.
Thank you for sleeping bag, Koala.
J.
I sight right in instant in which the door is open again, i jolt but it's only Wiley.
"Oh, oh, look who i see" i say to her with a tip of irony in the voice and on face.
"You see one that is already come back in the room after a beautiful night and she crossed someone named Jax, do you know him? And he told her that he slept here. In. Her. Bed.!"
"Oh my God, Wil, sorry, i don't want to give him your bed but he was sleeping outside, on the lawn, do you understand?"
"Don't joke on me, you don't need to be sorry, i was in his place of course. And what place..." she jumps in front of me and she starts to che change the sheets from the bed on the spot.
She is bright and full of desire to do. In one word, she is happy, like i'll ever be.
"Rather, How is your father?"
"Stable. At least until last night."
"Okay, considering you have to distract yourself... how was your night?" now she turns towards me with the clean sheet in her hand, her shoes resting on the one she has thrown to the ground and winks.
"My night? I just slept! You're the one who has more sex than... of..."
"A pornstar?"
"I did not mean a pornstar, you're crazy!" she laughs but I was about to say more than a pornstar, only I will not tell her of course.
"That you slept, then, I do not know..."
"Stupid! I absolutely just slept."
"Well, you'll be asleep for a while, judging by how your eyes gleamed when I met him," she says, shrugging.
"Sure why not..."
"Of course, yes, you mean, you can not see how romantic it is, and Matt and I also talked about him, he's a great guy, she's a fake girl."
"Fake?" and thanks so much.
"Shut up and let me finish. He's cool, she's on the sidelines, she seems antiseptic, she's definitely a big nerd... He asks her to help him and he has to teach her to dance. It's fucking romantic, it sounds like a movie! The dance?" she says, rapidly changing the subject.
"Well, but you go on, continue to rage, I want to see where you want to get...", now I'm curious.
"She learns to dance very well and he falls in love with her. He kisses her and they have a sex. Like in Dirty Dancing, do you know what i mean? Hell, this is what you remember to me, THAT film!"
Of course, but Patrick Swayze wasn't an ex little delinquent with a maimed father and without a money, forced to illegally enter in the college who has failed to stay because otherwise he has to sleep on the lawn.
And he sleeps in everyones bed. An then, Patrick is dead, so i look at her badly for that sad comparison. He was also one of my favourite actor.
I don't say anything about this, rather, i'm ashamed of that thought on Jax.
I get out of bed and tie my hair in a high tail, since they have dried out during my sleep and have everything but a slick fold.
Then I realize I have to say something to Wiley, who looks at me enthusiastically, hoping that I will tell her about some kind of sexual affair I'm living with the dancer.
My murky stories are quite different.
Of course, there was a kiss, but I do not have to say anything about it right now.
"You know I'm busy."
"Busy, you're with a married man, Tally, who you're aiming for now and then you come back here more anguish than when you went to him for a night of fire, he's married and older than you, I do not think it's healthy. .. "
What she says leaves me stunned. I go back in anguish after being stay with Isaac?
I had no idea, I... I must understand.
"He is my analyst" as I say, w
ithout a logical reason other than the weight that crushes me every time in not being able to tell anyone and to understand if what Wil has just told me is true, I would bite my tongue.
"What?!" she screams while she sits on the bed yet done, staying to look at me dismay.
So, very well.
I turns slowly because i'm fixing myself behind the mirror but i need to give her in front of me now.
I shake my shoulder like she did before and i sigh. "He is not a men older than me, Wil. He is my analyst. I really want to say you this thing before but..." she gets up suddenly and comes in front of me, near.
She is certainly affected by my story but in her eyes now there is more than a rebuke coming for my subtle and inappropriate story.
She's worried about me.
"How come you need an analyst, Tally? I want to understand you, really, we've known each other for quite a while now, and we're friends, but you're so unreachable that I realize I know nothing about you. I know it hurts to hear it but I know it and I know that you know it's oddities and so I will not tell you something new, and certainly not with malice, just... did someone hurt you? "
Oh, yes, Wil. Life.
Too much.
Life, that bitch.
I know where she want to reach, what she is picturing now, so i need to fake.
Noone hurted me in that way, it's not for that reason that i never get naked in front of her.
But i don't do, i don't tell her my ecrects.
Even if one of the most important i have just told to her.
Very good!
"I had a little depression. Since my parents are..what i say, divorced in home."
"I don't know, i'm sorry."
"Yes, for this reason i started the college late. Problems at home" lie, lie, lie. I'm a weak. "And because i'm a weak, i popped up a little. My parents sent me to the analyst, I had to do a few sessions to recover a bit and the rest already you know .. " only when I explain this to her, she realizes the picture and I see an expression of disgust appear on her face, a unwanted expression that corrects immediately but that I have already noticed.
"I know..." i whisper to make her free from the guilty.
"You'll get other hurt."
I know. "With Jaxon the situation will be not different, he uses me to win the Street's Black Game."
"Let him use you."
"What?"
"It's what you need, Tally. You fear the physicality, i notice this, you know you fear to show your body, to touch people and the dance is the cure. Dancing you show your body and touch people. Touch Jax..." that words gives me a powerfull discharge at the level of the vertabral column that shakes me and then becomes chills. "Don't lose yourself behind impossible stories and against the law. Touch Jax and let's away the rest" i don't know why she bargains for him, maybe because she stays with his friend.
However Wiley smiles to me and i do the same, appreciating her discretion (on something, of course).
For the rest of the morning, however, she remains attached trying to remedy what she said and led me to say.
In a few hours, however, I will see Isaac and then Jax and I really do not know what will happen with both.
But I'll find out soon.
And I tremble at the sole idea.
.22.
Talia
At a quarter past three, after the biology lab, I'm on the bus that's taking me to him and his black room.
The intention is to stop what happens in that room when it becomes black, only I do not know why.
I do not know if it's the fault of Wiley's or Jax's, or if it's Dad's.
What I'm sure, though, is that Isaac will understand, it's obvious that he will do it, it's his job. And it will come to send me away if necessary.
I get off at my stop and put the backpack on my shoulders.
I have not settled as pretty as usual and he will certainly notice this too.
Will understand. But what exactly will you understand?
And why do I tremble?
When I'm in front of isaac's and I hear it moving in there, I get two messages.
I'M CARE, I'M HERE WITH JAX AND HE IS SAYING ME THAT YOU ARE AMAZING! THANK YOU SO MUCH FROM MY HEART FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO FOR US.
Suddenly, like a cold shower, i realize the whole situation.
Jax is not mine, he is of Caroline.
And i kissed him and sleeped with him. Twice.
Of course, not in the same bed but these are little details, besides how much we get close. Touch. Enough.
The thought is tough and I think you have to do everything but thank me.
I had forgotten about her and in great secrecy, even with myself, I was beginning to want her raid.
I do not answer but the idea that Caroline is with him hits me in a way that I can not understand.
The second message is from the mother.
DAD IS BETTER, HE WOKE UP AND THE DOCTOR DECLARED HIM OUT OF DANGER, EVEN IF WE FEARED HE WILL BE OPERATED. TALLY. THEY'LL GIVE HIM A BY-PASS, I HOPE YOU'LL COME BACK TO SEE HIM.
I sigh happy for one thing, distressed by the other and frightened by the emotions arising from the message before this.
I am so confused that when the door in front of me opens, I start to see Isaac in front of me.
"I figured it was you," he tells me as soon as I look at him. It's beautiful, it smiles, dresses as elegant as ever and wants me. "What are you doing here without knocking?"
"I do not know", I look at him in confusion and dismay because of all the thoughts that break into my head.
Lily.
Jax.
The accident.
The heart attack.
I did not know you had a sister.
The kiss.
I see you.
Touch Jaxon.
Don't be afraid of me.
THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DO FOR US.
Tally, I told you not to crap anymore, and now it's all your fault if I had to go out in the middle of the night to come and collect you.
Mum is furious.
It's all your fault.
It's all yours.
It's all my fault.
"Come in, sit down and tell me what is happened" Isaac takes my hand and invites me to enter.
To the hell.
I want to have sex with him not to think and in the same time i don't want this.
I follow him and i sit in the black room. I fix him and i don't see him anymore.
I understand what Jax says with see someone. It's not to observe, but to live someone.
Feel him inside, like a punch in the stomach, like something stong.
"This thing between us, whatever it is, must end and you do not think it's good that you keep following me" I do not know if those words come but go out alone, and for once I agree with them.
"Tally, you're just upset about your father."
"You think it's a good thing that... we do, do you think it's correct to be ethical?"
"We've already talked about it, it just happened, we do not analyze what we and I do but what you think and want, so what do you want, Talia?" he is still standing so fast, like a spring, I jump firmly on the legs too and I stand in front of him.
He knows how to touch me, he knows what he can afford to look at, which is why I've been mad.
I would never have sex with anyone else.
And now I have an incredible desire to do it, but at the same time it disgusts me.
Yet it is beautiful, fragrant. I look away from his left hand and into the ring finger. He is married.
"Do not you love your wife, Isaac?"
"Talia, can i know what it takes you? You have to try to rationalize, do not move on me the reasons for your anger. Do not do this to us."
"Stop with this psychotherapist shit and for once answer me, as a man, because we are not just a doctor and his patient, otherwise almost I should denounce" I see him sigh, enmesh and make me use hard.
"Yes, I love her" she answers seriously, looking a
t me steadily.
Congratulations for the punch on the stomach.
But it does not hurt me as I would have imagined, when only a few weeks ago he was important; I never loved him or maybe yes, the fact is that his confession does not provoke me in anything.
"So why are you doing this to her?" I clearly see that he is not ready to be under analysis. Which is not prepared for my questions.
"Okay, I understand where you want to go, Talia, but you will not fall in. I will not fall into your trap to make sure you get angry with someone, you have to learn how to deal with your anger and free yourself in healthier ways. , let's talk " it's about to get me to his desk, but quickly I grab him by the hand.
That contact is hot but it does not give me the sparks I recently heard with Jax.
Only at his thought can I close my mouth in a way that I do not understand, in a way that is not for me, that does not for the girl should only suffer because it does not deserve better. The nullity.
"Answer my question, first, if you love her why you want a mad patient to tie you up?" I hold him tight by the wrist and Isaac looks at me. Intensely and not with resentment, just like a professionist.
And it is, both horizontally and when it puts the clothes of the real person that has to be. The real one, adult, far from my world and from me.
You wet your lips, I would like you to put that tongue elsewhere to go up and avoid thinking about anything else. And spare me all this, but I can not.
I can not escape anymore.
Isaac moves, pulls the wrist from my hand, settles in front of me and sighs.
I do not think I've ever seen him sigh.
"I love my wife but we have problems."
"Why?"
"Because I'm also in love with you, one of my patients, who is not crazy as she thinks, but who freams me" those words of his have the effect that a teaser could have on the skin.
They are hurting and spreading and paralyzing everything, including the mind.
Isaac leans forward, grabs my arms and then kisses me.
And even if I should not let him do it, I do not react.
The kiss is devoid of feeling but full of passion.
He makes roads inside me as he has always done, in spite of himself and perhaps even unconsciously with deception.
I want everything of you Page 15