The way she’d always lived. What she’d always been so patient to instill in me when I’d always been the timid one itching to shed my sticky skin.
There were a ton of pictures of the three of us. Playing. Laughing. Arms hooked over each other’s shoulders.
Inseparable.
But it was the newspaper articles that gutted me.
So many of them were about her from the time when she’d gone missing.
More of other girls.
Cold cases.
Kidnappings.
Rapes.
Murders.
Strings were attached between some of them and notes jotted across others.
Clues.
Questions.
A chill slicked down my spine and spread across my skin.
Warily, I looked back at him. He’d sat up on the edge of the bed, his legs flung over the side, raking a nervous hand through his hair.
“You’ve been looking for her this whole time?”
He looked up at me, his voice quieted so Brenna wouldn’t hear. “What else could I possibly do? Forget? Give up like the detectives? Looking for her is the only thing I’ve ever had, Nikki. I can’t give up the hope that maybe, just maybe, one day I might find her.”
My stomach twisted.
A coil of misery and desire and affection.
I looked back to the things that he had tacked to the wall. My fingertips reached out to flutter over the red woven bracelet with the charm inscribed with ‘fly’.
It exactly matched the one I still wore around my ankle.
Ollie’s piece.
The third one would be forever missing.
They say heartbreak isn’t physical.
I believed it was a lie.
Because I could feel it. Could feel his. Just as I could feel the same crack running right down the center of me. Everything adding up and becoming this weight I didn’t know how to bear.
It was a rending of my chest.
A splintering of my soul.
Cautiously, I moved toward him.
The space between us coming alive.
Shimmering.
Streaks of color.
Flashes of light.
Chemistry.
Ours had been ugly for so long. Like a shadow hanging over us.
Now, I waded through it like the gift it always should have been. I got down on my knees in front of him and pressed my hand to the side of his face.
“Ollie,” I whispered.
Like praise.
Did he know? Could he possibly understand what I felt for him? What I always had? Part of me hated him for not seeing it. Or maybe it was just that I knew he saw it, felt it, and he’d rejected it anyway.
Most of me understood it fully. The guilt he bore. His own bitter cross. The one marked over his heart that would forever bleed for his sister.
In the dim light, those sapphire eyes captured mine.
Emotion brimming over.
So many questions. All the reservations and walls that were still there.
The hurt laid out between us, and the love that had been the base of it all.
He weaved his fingers through my hair. “Nikki.”
My name was a breath.
I smoothed my hands up his strong thighs.
A ripple of need trembled through him. “Nikki.”
This time it was a warning.
I edged up and pressed a bunch of kisses across his wide, wide chest.
“What are you doing?” It was a low grumble.
“Taking care of you the way you took care of me.”
His fingers sank into my hair, taking fistfuls as he tugged me back. “Don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“And why’s that?” I whispered, letting my kisses glide down his abdomen.
Cut and carved.
Perfection.
His muscles twitched beneath my touch, and I felt him grow hard in his briefs.
Earlier on the couch, I’d wanted him to take me. Desperate to feel him inside me again. That greedy place within lighting up with his touch.
Wanting more.
Wanting it all.
But this?
This was for him.
“Because I don’t get this. I don’t get you,” he said, holding on tighter as if he wanted to push me away but couldn’t let me go.
I edged up on my knees and pressed my mouth under his jaw. His short beard tickled my face, and there was nothing I could do but inhale, fill myself with this man.
His pulse boomed, a thunder against my lips. I kissed down his throat and across his pecs, the massive muscles straining as he arched.
Yearning to get closer, to receive it, while his broken spirit believed the only thing he deserved was to suffer this alone.
“You already have me, Ollie. You always did. Did you feel me all that time?” I murmured across his hot flesh, my tongue licking out to taste. “I was right there. All along.”
He grunted, and his hands fisted tighter in my hair, words grating as they hit the air. “I fucked it all up. I’m fucked up, Nikki. You deserve much more than what I’ve got to offer you.”
“No, Ollie. You’re wrong. You don’t see yourself clearly. You don’t realize how amazing you are. You don’t realize the guy I see when I look at you. The guy I saw tonight.”
The man who would have given it all for any of us.
He was a masterpiece. Sculpted and carved and chiseled. Massive. Bigger than life.
I wanted him to see he belonged in my life. The way he always had.
Desire twisted my insides, and I caressed my mouth lower, over the fabric of his underwear where the head of his dick begged for me.
“Nikki.” This time it was confusion. My name hanging like a precipice.
So close to letting go.
“It’s me, Ollie. Me. Lose yourself in me. I want to take care of you.” I peeked up at him and let a small smirk work to my face. “I think it’s only fair since I let you take care of me, don’t you?”
A dark chuckle resonated in his chest, filled with restraint and lust. He brushed his fingers down the side of my face. “Think the only thing unfair right now is the way you’re looking at me.”
My tongue darted out to wet my lips. “And how am I looking at you?”
“Like I mean something.”
I kissed across the definition of his hip, burying my nose in his skin as I muttered the words, “You mean everything.”
He groaned, and he reached down and took me by the sides of the head, lifting me to look at him.
Gently.
So gently it shouldn’t have been possible for a hulking man like him.
Beast.
Old memories spun, and a wistful smile swam on my mouth when I took one of his hands and urged him to standing.
The power of his need shook the walls. I could feel it radiating and crashing.
I looked up at him, and he cupped my cheek. “Sweet girl,” he murmured, tracing his thumb under my eye. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
He kept looping back to that. Didn’t he know the only way he could hurt me was by letting me go?
“I know, Ollie, I know.”
I dipped my fingers in the waistband of his tight black briefs and began to peel them down. My heart raced, and my skin caught fire.
Because his cock jumped free, bouncing in front of me. Every bit as intimidatingly beautiful as the man.
Every previous encounter with Ollie had been a fumble in the dark. Teens sneaking around and the disaster at my apartment last year.
This . . . this was Ollie and me. Both of us here. Present. No one to tell us we were doing anything wrong except for the guilt we both wore like a shroud.
I saw when he flipped. When he stopped trying to resist this. Or maybe he just couldn’t any longer.
Blue eyes blazed down at me with a lusty, harsh sort of desire.
He gave a demanding tug at the back of my hair, voice muted, meant only for me. “You gonna let me
have that mouth, Sunshine?”
My heart beat frantically. Madly. Every cell in my body was swept up in the intensity.
Stomach trembling, my tongue darted out and licked across his engorged head.
He jerked, gritting his teeth as he tightened his hold in my hair. “Little Tease. Been teasing me all these years. Coming in my bar acting like we didn’t know each other. Talking to your friends like I might just be another conquest.”
“It was the only thing I could do not to fall at your feet.”
“Wanted to kill every guy I ever saw you with.”
Hands running up his hips, I whispered, “You managed to chase them all away anyway.”
He ran a thumb over my lip. “Couldn’t stand the thought of another man with you.”
I didn’t think he understood the way I felt every time I saw him with another girl. As fleeting as they were, every time, it was the stab of a knife. Bleeding me dry.
I took him in my hand. The velvet flesh was smooth on my palm, such a contradiction to the heavy, hard length that begged for release underneath. “I never wanted anyone else.”
A shudder rocked him as I stroked him once. “Fuck.”
I wrapped my other hand around him. Both hands running his rigid length as I pumped him, lightly at first, gathering the glistening bead at his throbbing head before I tightened and began to stroke him.
“Nikki . . . you’re gonna kill me. Shit . . .”
I peeked up at him as I wound him higher.
Magnificent.
His jaw clenched as he stared down at me, his chest wide, beard full on his immaculate face.
All man.
The man I held in my hands.
Stroking him greedily, my breaths became pants. Need welled in me like the swill of the rising river.
Higher and higher.
Threatening to overflow.
I squeezed my thighs together while his shook.
Splintering control.
“Feels so good,” he grunted. “Those sweet hands, Nik . . . they’ve always been so sweet. You always hid it with that smart mouth . . . but I knew. I knew.”
His words were grit. Lined with a tenderness I felt brushing across my flesh like a lover’s caress.
I leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to the tip of his cock. I tasted the salty manliness of him. The intensity of who he was.
My oldest friend.
My first love.
My only love.
His fists were a petition where they wound in my hair. “Please, Nikki. Sweet girl. Take me. Suck me. Need to feel you.”
Desperation spun, riding that tether that kept us tied. Binding.
I pressed my tongue to his engorged, fattened tip before I sucked the crown into my mouth.
“Yes,” he rumbled, jutting forward, urging me to take him. I laved at the purpled flesh, squeezing his fat base with my hands before I began to take him deeper.
A coarse groan pressed between his lips. “I have always loved that mouth.”
My heart squeezed.
Love.
It was so strong.
So strong it made it hard to see.
Deeper and deeper, I took him, my hands working the base, the feel of him overwhelming.
Moans ripped from his mouth, low and guttural.
Needy in a way I’d never heard this man be. “Yes, baby. Fuck. You feel so good. So damned good.”
His hips began to snap, and I was nothing but an offering on my knees in front of him.
Lost.
Lost in him where he was lost in me.
His hands moved to my cheeks, and I relished the feel of them as he started to rock and jut. Harder and deeper.
Slow and measured before he picked up a rigorous pace.
His grunts struck the air, and that energy crackled, licked at my skin, stirred the need into something potent.
Compulsive and seductive.
Inescapable.
“Can you take it?” A question and a warning spoken in a low growl. I answered by moving my hands to his ass and hanging on.
At his mercy.
“Yes,” he groaned, fingers spread out wide, holding all of me he could.
Then he fucked my mouth.
Mercilessly.
Wildly.
Madly.
Every thrust raw.
Every rock needy.
Possessive.
Consuming me in a way I’d never before been consumed.
I opened to him and took him as far as I could, my lips stretched thin around his hard, imposing length, jaw burning and my spirit soaring.
“You . . . Nikki . . . You.”
The words tumbled from him, jumbled and rushed and as clear as I’d ever heard him.
My eyes welled with tears as I swallowed around him, taking him to the back of my throat.
“Fuck . . . yes,” he hissed, and his hips snapped savagely.
Frenzied.
Succumbing.
Just like me.
Energy flashed.
Colors painting the room.
A river of emotion.
A stream of lust.
His teeth ground to hold back a roar when he came, pouring into my mouth, his gorgeous body bowed as he shivered and jerked.
My beautiful, beautiful beast.
I swallowed, wanting to drown in him, reveling in the sheer bliss etched in his expression.
Streaks of pleasure tore through every tremoring muscle of his body.
The man a mountain.
A rock who’d just crumbled in my hands.
Slowly, he pulled back, still holding my face, and he tenderly ran the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip.
I was almost nervous, having no idea what direction we were going, terrified he would send me crashing into another brick wall until a smirk took hold of one side of his mouth.
“Guess you really are the orgasm fairy,” he murmured, lifting me from under my arms and scooping me back into the safety of his hold.
I tried to hold back the shock of surprised laughter. “I told all of you I was. No one believes me. I know a good match when I see one.”
Chemistry.
Ours pulsed through the air. Fierce and unrelenting.
He climbed onto his bed and pulled me onto his chest.
Oh God. And he thought I was going to ruin him?
He gentled his fingers through my hair. “Hmm . . . guess I shouldn’t complain about getting on the receiving end of that, now, should I?”
My teeth raked over my bottom lip, warmth heating my cheeks, loving that this lost boy wanted to play. “Definitely not. There are some gifts that should never be shoved in a closet or returned.”
I began to casually tick them off. “Heirloom jewelry. A child’s handprint set in plaster. Orgasms. Orgasms should never, ever be considered anything less than the gift they are,” I said, the quiet tease playing from my tongue.
A thrill of shock vibrated through me. It felt like a dream that I was with him like this. Closer than we’d been in so many years.
My fingertips trailed over his chest. “Well, unless you give one to yourself,” I ribbed. “No orgasm fairy required. My services are rendered totally useless.”
That was like buying yourself a fake engagement ring.
He grabbed my hand and brought it to his lips. “Don’t doubt that you caused a few of those, too, Nikki. All these years, thinking about you . . . wishing it was you.”
Chills.
They flashed across my skin. My voice quieted, and I scratched at the beard on the side of his face, “I wanted it to be you, too.”
He pushed his fingers into my hair, somberness stealing into his expression as he stared up at me. “What if I hurt you?”
My tongue swept across my bottom lip. In hesitation or need, I wasn’t sure. “You keep sayin’ that, Ollie, and I’m just gonna keep tellin’ you not to. Treating someone the way they deserve to be treated is as simple as making the choice to.”
His head minimally shook on his pillow, and he tightened his hold on me.
I didn’t want him to ever let go.
“Sometimes life doesn’t give us the choice. Sometimes it takes from us. We have no control over that. No say no matter what we give up to change it.”
My voice softened, close to a plea. “And sometimes it’s as simple as how you handle what life gives you. How you treat the people around you. How you treat yourself.”
“You deserve better than me, sweet girl. Don’t you see that yet?”
Scooting up, I pressed both my hands to either side of his head and stared down at him, hoping he could see. Hoping he could feel what I’d always felt for him.
“You’re right, Ollie. I deserve to be loved. To be held and cherished. To have the family I’ve always wanted. I deserve everything this life has to offer. To make the most of each day. And you . . .”
The words became a wisp from my lips. “You just have to see that you deserve all that, too. That you deserve to be loved and held and cherished. To live life for all it’s worth. Every single day. Whether that’s with me or not.”
Silence swam between us. As heavy as when we’d lay by the lake at night and stare at the sky. When we’d felt so small and still so incredibly brave. Stars strewn out across the black canvas, promising there was more out there than a vast expanse of nothingness.
He trailed his fingers down my cheek. “I want to be that guy, Nikki. Just not sure who you see is real. Think he went missing the day his sister did.”
Old grief whipped through my spirit. “I know, Ollie,” I said, affection thick. “That guy got lost. But I know he’s real. That he’s right here.”
I reached down and set my palm flat against his hammering heart. “You just have to find him.”
He pressed my hand tighter. “We need to stop doing this until I do. Until I know I won’t hurt you again. Because I do cherish you, Nikki. Don’t ever doubt that. I cherish you, but I’m still not sure I deserve to keep you.”
His words slashed and cut and healed.
A searing hurt and the sweetest solace.
I gently pressed my lips to his.
Tenderly.
With all I had to give. “Let me help you discover him.”
He shocked me with his slight nod, our lips gently brushing. “I need you to be patient with me because I refuse to be the guy who hurts you again.”
Then he pulled back, eyes going hard as he gripped me by both sides of the face. “Need you to stop keeping secrets from me. I have to figure out how to be the guy you really deserve, but more than that, I need to know you’re safe. Keep you safe. And I can’t do that if you don’t let me in.”
Fight for Me: The Complete Collection Page 88