by Noelle Adams
He frowns, turning on his side to face me. “A year’s lease is normal. Do you really think you’re not going to like the place?”
He clearly has absolutely no idea what’s tripping me up. Which is just as well. “No. I’m sure I will. It is perfect. Thanks for finding it for me.”
His brow furrows even more. “If you don’t like the house, Katrina, just say so. You don’t have to take it just because I found it for you. I was only trying to help, but I’ve got absolutely nothing invested in your taking this particular house.”
“I know you don’t.” I smile at him, willing away the reluctance that just won’t go away. “The house is exactly what I’ve been looking for. I guess it’s just that it’s such a big step. A yearlong commitment. I guess it’s just making me nervous for some reason.”
That seems to convince him. His frown softens into a smile. He pulls me into a full-body hug. “You don’t have to be nervous. You can do this. You can do everything you want to do. You can have exactly the life you want for yourself. I believe in you.”
I shake against him as a sudden surge of emotion rises up into my throat.
He tightens his arms around me, holding me close, comforting me even though I’ve not told him the truth about what’s upsetting me right now.
If I sign a yearlong lease, it will close the door on my relationship with Max changing for that year. I won’t be able to move in with him.
And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want that.
I do want that.
I want everything with him. With this man who sees me as a full human being, who cares about me even when I’m weak and silly, who always wants the best for me.
I knew going into this that there would be a limit to where I stand in Max’s heart. I would never have all of it.
But I’ve been stupid after all.
And I want all of it.
This summer has been wonderful, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But it’s not going to be enough for me for much longer.
He knows I’m emotional. He can feel it in my shaking. So he hugs me until I’ve relaxed against him. Then he pulls away and rolls over, watching me closely in the light of the television.
I smile at him. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me. Hugging you is near the top of my list of favorite things to do.”
I snicker at that, as he wants me to. I’m trying to hide everything else I’m feeling until I have time and space to process it.
“You look tired,” he says. “And I’m tired too. You won’t think I’m a boring old man if I say I don’t really feel like sex tonight, do you?”
I laugh again, this time in relief. I don’t feel like sex either. Not when I’m this confused. “You’re not boring or old, and going to sleep sounds good to me.”
So we watch TV for a while, and then he turns it off and rolls over to sleep.
I lie in silence, trying to sleep, knowing I won’t be able to.
Max has been asleep for almost an hour when I slip out of bed, careful not to wake him up.
I go into the dining room where I left the lease papers for the house.
I pick them up and read them over.
The house is exactly what I want. And I can have it.
I promised myself this spring that I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of what I want in life, and I’ve obviously failed completely.
Because I’m doing it again.
I’m letting my desire for a man block the things I want for myself.
If Max had any thought at all of getting closer to me, of deepening our relationship, of my moving in with him and Rika, he wouldn’t be pushing me to sign a year’s lease right now.
He told me once before we had sex and again when we started dating that there wasn’t room for anyone but Rika at the center of his heart.
It obviously has never crossed his mind that I might want to be there, that I want more with him than we have right now.
I’m the foolish one. Not him.
He’s been honest with me from the very beginning.
He only has room in his heart for one person, and that person will always be Rika.
That’s the only way it can be. My dreaming of something else shows how stupid I’ve let myself become.
I’m not going to do it again. Anymore.
I’ve gotten caught up in the wave of Max just like I feared I would from the very beginning. He’s pulled me under, exactly as I didn’t want to happen.
I’m thinking of making decisions based on him rather than on myself.
And I’m not going to let that happen.
This is it.
I’m signing this lease, and I’m going to protect myself the way I should have done a long time ago.
I can’t risk going back into the bedroom and waking Max up, so I stay in my pajamas and slip on my shoes and grab my purse.
I take the lease and don’t leave a note.
I just get in my car and drive home.
I’m crying as I do it, but this has to be the best decision.
What I want for myself is just as important as any man, and I don’t want to live a life where it isn’t.
Eight
WHEN I GET HOME, I’VE basically stopped crying, but I’m dazed and numb from the pain of my decision.
It’s not easy to do what’s best for me in the long run. Not if it means saying goodbye to Max right now. In fact, it feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
But I’m going to do it. I sit on my couch and stare at the printed lease agreement. Then I dig a pen out of the drawer in a side table and scrawl my name and the date on the signature line.
There. I’m going to do it.
This is the house I want.
And I’m not going to cling to a relationship where I’m not his priority if it means I don’t get what I want in my life.
This is right. It’s horrible, but it’s right.
I feel sick to my stomach, and my legs are too weak to move, but I keep hold of the lease agreement as I fight a new surge of tears.
Max is going to wake up tomorrow morning, and I’m not going to be in his bed. He’ll call me. He’ll want to know what’s going on.
And somehow I’ll have to explain it to him without stripping my heart completely bare.
I have no idea what I’ll say.
No idea how to even begin the explanation.
I’m not sure how long I sit on my couch in the middle of the night, sniffing and shaking and dreading tomorrow’s conversation and holding the lease agreement in both hands. It can’t be more than an hour. It might be a lot less.
All I know is that my bleak daze is interrupted by a pounding on my apartment door.
The exterior door of my building stays locked. Random people can’t get in and knock on my door—not unless I let them in. There isn’t even a buzzer. I have to walk down the stairs and open the outside door for any guests.
So no one but one of the other tenants should be able to knock on my door without warning, and it’s well after midnight, so it must be an emergency.
I jump up to open my apartment door, my heart leaping in nerves at what I’m sure is a crisis in the building.
But it’s not one of my neighbors.
It’s Max.
He’s dressed in the trousers he was wearing all day and a white undershirt. His hair is a rumpled mess, and his eyes are wild.
Wild. Urgent and distressed and bewildered and searching.
I stare at him blankly, trying to get my clouded mind to work.
All I manage to say is, “How did you get in?”
“Your neighbor was coming home when I got here, and she recognized me and let me in.” His voice is hoarse. Unnatural. He takes a weird shaky breath. “Katrina?”
I step aside and let him into my apartment. Then I slowly close the door and lock it, as if the simple act can somehow make my brain work again.
“Please tell me what’s going on.” Max is
standing stiffly, his hands fisted at his sides. His trousers are riding low on his hips. He didn’t put on a belt.
I don’t know why I notice this, but I do.
Swallowing hard, I fight against the lump in my throat and the painful fluttering in my chest. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I just left. I... I had to.”
“You had to?” He reaches out toward me like he’s going to grab me, shake answers out of me, something. But he drops his hands before he touches me. “You had to?”
“Yeah. I... thought you were asleep.”
It’s a stupid thing to say. An utterly inadequate thing. I realize I’m still holding on to the lease agreement. My hands are damp against the paper.
“I was asleep. Then I woke up and you were gone. There was no note. There was nothing. You were just gone, and I had no idea where you were.” There’s pain in his eyes now. Real pain.
I’ve hurt him by leaving the way I did.
I’m going to hurt him more when I tell him what I need to say.
“I’m really sorry, Max. I... I had to.”
“You had to leave.” He rubs his jaw, and his bristles make a scratchy sound against his palm. “You’re... you’re leaving me. Is that what this means?”
I try to answer in words, but I can’t force the sound out. Instead, I nod slowly, a couple of tears slipping out of my eyes as I do.
His face contorts briefly with a viscerally pained expression. He takes another loud breath. I can tell he suspected this but was hoping he wasn’t right.
I know how he feels. I know it deeply. That rising dread of something you fear will happen but keep hoping won’t. And then that slam of pain when you know it for sure.
“Katrina, why?” he rasps.
Maybe it’s his face or maybe the aching sound of his words, but I lose it then. I turn away from him and hug my arms to my chest, shaking helplessly as I fight against sobs.
He waits for me to control myself, and I don’t know what it takes for him to give that to me.
It doesn’t take more than a minute for me to force down the sobs and turn back around to face him. “I’m so sorry, Max. You have no idea how sorry I am.” I take a deep breath and then another. “But I need to... I need to do what’s best for me. I promised myself I’d make that my priority. I think I’ve been... been doing better about that, but this is how I need to do that right now.”
It’s as close as I can come to a real explanation. I pray he’ll understand.
His mouth twists, and he looks away for a minute. “I know that’s what you’re trying to do. I was trying... I was trying to support you.”
“I know you were. You were... you are great. Amazing. It’s not anything you’ve done. I promise it’s not.”
His eyes scan my face with that same desperation, and then they lower to take in the lease agreement I’m still holding. He reaches over to take it from my hand, glancing over at the page that I’ve signed.
It’s then that I notice he’s so tense he’s shaking with it.
He’s shaking almost as much as I am.
“I... tried to help you with this house because I knew you wanted one so much.”
I almost choke. “I do. You did help. Thank you... thank you so much.”
“I thought you’ve been happy. With me and... and Freddie.”
My eyes fill with tears, and I have to swipe them away before I continue. “I have been happy. I have. You did everything right. It’s me, Max. It’s me who messed it up.”
For some reason this is the comment that snaps his control. He lays the lease agreement on my console table and then takes a step toward me, grabbing both my hands. “You didn’t mess anything up, sweetheart. I know this is my fault. You’ve told me over and over again what you want, and I’m the one who keeps...” He makes a weird guttural sound. “Oh shit, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I know I’ve been too pushy. Too... clingy. I keep wanting more from you, even though I know you’re not there yet. I know you don’t have everything you want in life yet, and you can’t get serious with a man until you do. But I swear I can do better. I can back off. I’ll back off as much as you want if you’ll give me one more chance.”
I thought I knew how this conversation would go, and this isn’t at all how I thought it would be. I’m so shocked and confused I stare up at him, my hands limp in his grip.
“Oh shit, don’t look at me that way.” He jerks his head to the side and takes a deep breath. “I know you might not believe me by my desperate performance right now, but I promise I can back off if you need me to. It’s gotten to be too much too soon. I can see that now. It’s my fault. I kept... pulling you closer. But I’ll do better. I’ll make sure I don’t keep letting what I want get in the way of what I know you need for yourself.”
His handsome, needy face blurs in front of my eyes. I sway on me feet. “Max, what... Please, I don’t underst—”
My attempt to ask for clarification breaks off because Max is moving. Adjusting position.
I give a weird little whimper as he kneels on the floor in front of me. He’s still holding on to both my hands. “Max, what—”
“Sweetheart, I’m going to say this once, just so you know how serious I am. I love you. I know I’m not supposed to yet, but I do. I was the biggest fool in the world to believe I could be with you in any way and not fall in love. But that’s where I am now. I’m in love. You’re at the center of my heart. With Freddie. I didn’t think my heart could contain both, but it can. It just seemed to get... get bigger after I met you. But I’m not a selfish, demanding asshole who can’t wait until a time that’s best for you. I want you to have everything you want out of life. Part of me wants to be the one to give it all to you, but I know that’s not want you need. So I want you to be able to build it for yourself. And I can wait until you do. Until you’re ready. Just please don’t give up on me yet.”
I open my mouth to say something, but I burst into tears instead. I collapse onto my knees in front of him, falling onto his chest as I sob.
Fortunately, he’s able to brace us before we both tumble to the floor. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.
He’s muttering out, “Oh shit. Oh shit. Katrina, sweetheart, please don’t.”
I can’t wait until I stop crying to give him a response. I have to give it to him right now. So I force out in choked, broken sobs, “I... I... love... you too!”
On the last word, Max freezes. Then he pushes me back and stares down at my wet face. “What did you say?”
His astonishment actually helps me. I sniff and say more lucidly, “I said I love you too.”
“You...” His thick eyebrows are furrowed together. “Did you say you love me?”
I giggle stupidly and wipe my face with the back of my hands. “Yes. That’s what I said. I love you too.”
“Then why the hell are you breaking up with me?” He’s so outraged it makes me giggle again.
“I’m not breaking up with you now.”
He blinks. “You aren’t?”
“No.”
He’s still frowning. “You aren’t going to break up with me?”
“No.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
“You’re giving me another chance?”
“Oh my God, Max. You don’t need a second chance. You didn’t mess anything up. I love you. I thought you didn’t love me and that I was going to get my heart broken. And hanging around waiting for it to happen wouldn’t be good for me. That’s the only reason I was ending it.”
His mouth has fallen open. It’s a minute before he says, “You thought I didn’t love you?”
I nod and brush away the last of my tears. “You never said you did.”
“Because you’d always said you couldn’t get serious until you have the life you want. I was trying to be good. Do what’s best for you. But I’ve loved you for... for a long time now. I can’t believe you didn’t know.”
“I didn’t. I thought you didn’t hav
e room for anyone but Rika in your heart. That’s what you told me.”
He gives his head a rough shake and reaches out to take my hands again. “I was a fool when I said that. A clueless, selfish fool. My heart grew. It grew for you. I love you so much, Katrina. I never want to be without you again.”
“I love you too. In exactly the same way. I’m still committed to building a life I want for myself, but I want to build it with you.”
He groans and drags me back toward his chest. He hugs me in a tight, desperate grip—so strong I almost lose my breath. Then he finally loosens his embrace and draws back so he can kiss me.
We’re both still kneeling on the floor as I kiss him back.
It’s a few minutes before we stop kissing and climb back to our feet with sheepish, sappy smiles.
I reach for the lease agreement. “So should I not take this lease after all?”
“What? Of course you should take it. You’ve always wanted a little house of your own, so you need to take it.”
“Oh. Okay.” I look between the papers and his face. “I do want it. I was just worried... I mean, what if we want to... I mean, I’m not rushing things, but I didn’t know if you’d want to...” I’m too embarrassed to get the words out.
“Sweetheart, of course I want to live with you. I’d be perfectly happy if you moved in with me right now. This weekend. It’s exactly what I want. But I was serious in what I said about giving you everything you want. You’ve always wanted a house just like this. I want you to have it. I don’t need everything right away. It’s not going to change how I feel about you. I’ve been so happy this summer—spending weekends together. I’d forgotten I was capable of being this happy. I’ll be happy like this for another year. We don’t have to rush. You wanted this. I want you to have this. I don’t want you to not have anything you want because you’re with me.”
He’s so earnest and so sweet and so exactly what I want that I start crying again. But I’m nodding and smiling at the same time. “Okay,” I say when I pull myself together. “Okay. I’ll take the house. I do want it. And I also want to be with you.”
“That sounds perfect for me. And honestly it will probably be an easier transition for Freddie if we don’t rush our relationship. This feels right to me.”