“What? I answered your question. I’m not being difficult.”
“Really? You couldn’t have been any more vague.” He quickly responds. “I can see that you have a wall up and I want so badly to take it down. I know it’s going to take some time but I’m okay with that.”
“I’m not trying to be vague; I just don’t like to talk about my past.”
“Challenge accepted.” It is more of a mumble, but I still hear it perfectly well.
“Who the fuck do you think you are? Some sort of therapist looking to analyze me? I’m not okay with that.” I’m furious now and I’m not about to hide my feelings.
“Calm down! I’m not looking to analyze anything. I told you. I want to get to know you and that means everything about you.” He starts off with irritation but finishes the comment with a smirk.
“Well, I hate to let you down, buddy. I don’t share my past with anyone.”
He just sits there all smug and confident like he knows he will be able to get the information out of me. He’s got something else coming. I built my wall up for a reason and it will not be coming down, ever!
The waitress brings the bill over and I reach over to grab it, but he rips it out of my hand.
“What the hell are you doing? I was supposed to buy you lunch. That was the deal.”
“Turns out, I don’t like that deal. I just wanted to have lunch with you, and you wouldn’t come with me unless it was under a false pretense. He has a mischievous grin as he opens the payment folder.
He pays the bill, and we leave the restaurant. He again opens the door for me and jumps in on the driver’s side of the car. Is he trying to impress me? Damn it! It might be working. I try to hide my smile.
“Where do you live?” He looks over at me and asks.
“Why the hell would I tell you where I live?”
“Well, I would like to take you home, so I kind of need to know that information.” I can sense that he is treading lightly.
Idiot! I can’t believe I’m overthinking again. “Oh! Sorry about that. I live over at Trojan Hall.” I probably shouldn’t give a guy I just met my address, but I don’t need to give him the room number so that makes me feel a little better about agreeing to it. Plus, I feel like a total asshole right now and I can’t overreact now.
“Ok. Cool.” He smiles but I can see some despondence in his eyes.
We drive in silence back to my dorm. I just can’t think of anything to say after I just humiliated myself by acting like some sort of crazy person.
We pull up to the entrance and before he can get out, I quickly jump out of the car and walk to the entrance. I look back and smile. “Thank you for lunch and the ride.”
“My pleasure. See you around.” He responds.
I smile again and turn toward the entrance door. What the hell is wrong with me? I seriously can’t believe myself. I could have been friends with him, I didn’t have to completely push him away. It’s not like people are lining up to be my friend. Now, I’ll probably never see him again. Nice going! Maybe, I can catch him before he leaves. Although, I don’t know what the hell I would say to him at this point. Should I just try to apologize for being a lunatic?
I turn around but he is gone. “Well, no surprise there. I guess I definitely won’t be seeing him again.”
I open the door and head to my dorm. I figure I can try to get some more work done on my English paper. Sarah isn’t here so I just sit at my tiny desk and get to work. A few hours go by and I’m exhausted so it’s time to call it quits. I use my laptop to watch some Netflix but for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about that beautiful face and how defeated he looked when he left. At some point during my self-condemnation, I finally drift asleep.
Chapter 3
He’s on top of me again. “STOP! Please STOP!” I try to push myself up so he can get off of me, but he won’t budge. He just smiles and says, “You know you want it!” Fucking arrogant prick.
Someone is knocking on the door. “Dani, Let me in.” I would recognize that voice anywhere.
I want to scream for him to come in, but nothing comes out of my mouth. I just feel the weight of this heavy body on mine. “Please help me”, I mutter as I just lay here.
The banging is louder now. “Please let me in!” I hear through the door. But I still can’t muster the strength to say anything.
The pounding on the door is now intolerable. I get out of bed in a heaping pile of sweat and realize that it was another nightmare. I go to the door hoping to see Cam, but instead it’s Sarah. Disappointment fills me and I don’t why. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to him.
“I left my keys here.” She looks at me. “Are you okay? You don’t look so good.”
“I’m okay. Just had a rough night.” I look at my watch and realize it is 8 am and I have to get my ass in gear to go to class. I grab my shower caddy and practically sprint to the bathroom to take a shower. I look in the mirror and the dark circles are worse today. There is no amount of makeup that can make my face better and to be honest, I just don’t give a shit. So, I decide to go minimal and just put concealer on the awful circles. “I just don’t have the energy for this shit today.”
I go back to my dorm and get dressed. Since, I have practically no makeup, I’ll wear a cute dress, so I don’t look like total crap. I look in my closet and pull out one of my favorites. It’s a short blue racerback dress with some white stripes and pockets. It doesn’t look bad on me and it’s super comfortable.
I walk to “Econ” and dread dealing with all the ditzy girls, so I just roll my eyes and sit in the far back. Mullens starts talking but I drown him out with my thoughts about my recent nightmare. I don’t understand why I keep thinking about Cam. Why can’t I just get him out of my head? He’s just a guy.
Mullins finally finishes his lecture, and I can’t get out of the class fast enough, but before I make it to the door, he calls out. “Ms. McKinley, is everything okay? You didn’t seem like yourself today.” He actually looks concerned.
“I’m fine. Just having a rough morning. Thank you.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks sincerely.
“I’m good. Thank you though.” I need to get out of here. I quickly attempt to make my exit, but he grabs my arm.
“You can talk to me, you know. If you ever need anything, just let me know.” Mullins looks at me with his hazel eyes and I suddenly feel the fury in his stare.
“I appreciate it, but I have to get to work.”
“I can give you a ride if you need one. I’m done here for a few hours.” He replies.
“I can walk. It’s not too far from here.” This is getting weird. I look around and the class is completely empty except for the two of us. And it just got even more uncomfortable, because he’s standing so close that I can almost feel his breath on me. The walls are practically closing in on me.
“Ok. Suit yourself.” His words are slightly defensive.
I start walking out the door, but I can still feel his eyes on me. This guy is a little intense, but damn he is gorgeous. Was he trying to flirt with me? Did I suddenly appear on guys’ radar? No. That’s crazy. I mean, he’s a professor.
I walk to work and just hope that it won’t be too busy because I’m beat.
“Hiya, Dani.” Gary says as I walk in.
“Hi.” It’s the only thing I can get out.
I immediately start prepping for my shift, but I can’t seem to think clearly. This nightmare really did me in.
The first half of the day is pretty busy, so I don’t have time to dwell on my issues. I finally get to my break and just sit in the back. I can’t pick up a book or anything. I honestly just feel like going to sleep. I close my eyes for what feels like a minute and am suddenly startled.
Gary comes in the back and taps my shoulder. “There is someone here to see you.”
I look at him curiously, but he just has a huge smile on his face. I walk out to the dining area when I see him sitting at a table by himself. Dam
n, he looks beautiful just sitting there in his jeans and a plain black t-shirt. Yes, he makes the simplest clothes look absolutely amazing. He doesn’t even have to try. I gather up my strength and go to the table. “Hey.”
“So, I think….” He starts talking and then everything suddenly goes dark. Did we lose power or something?
“What the hell happened?” I hear Gary scream.
“I don’t know.” Cam responds.
Everyone seems so distant and I can’t seem to speak. I can’t form any words, and nothing comes out of my mouth.
I open my eyes and I see him sitting next to me and he utters so softly, I can barely hear him. “Are you okay?” As he speaks, I hear a ringing. Is that in my head?
I look around when I realize that I am sitting on my bed. “What happened? And why am I home? I’m supposed to be at work.”
“You passed out.” He replies.
None of this makes any sense. “The last thing I remember was talking to you and then everything went black, but I could still hear you and Gary talking.”
“When was the last time you ate?” He looks so concerned.
Damn! How can I tell him that the last time I ate was the pizza with him yesterday afternoon? Did I really forget to eat? Holy Crap. He’s going to think I’m crazy.
“I wasn’t that hungry today.” It is the only thing I can think of that doesn’t sound completely insane.
He just looks at me, as if he is trying to figure something out.
“Why did you come to the Bistro today?” I remember that he was starting to say something before everything had gone black and I am seriously curious.
“That can wait. We need to get some food in you.” He reaches for my hand and then places both arms underneath my arms to lift me up. “Do you feel like you can walk to my car?”
“Yeah, I think so.” I lean on him and it feels so good. His body molds to mine, like I belong in his arms.
He holds me the entire way to the car and helps me in. I know I could have walked myself, but I can’t lie to myself and say that it doesn’t feel damn good.
We drive a couple of blocks to the closest dining hall. And again, he helps me and walks me inside with his arm around my waist. We sit down and he just looks at me with the most captivating eyes. He seems to actually care. “You wait here, and I will grab you something to eat. What do you feel like having?”
“I’ll just have a cup of soup. Thank you.” I’m trying not to make too much eye contact.
He walks away and I sit here thinking about how stupid I must look right now. Before I have time to dissect the incident again, he returns with a tray.
“I brought you soup and a sandwich. You need more than just soup.” He slides a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich toward me.
“Thank you.” I start eating because I didn’t realize how hungry I really am.
He doesn’t say anything and lets me eat. When I am just about done, I look up at him and realize that his eyes appear warmer today somehow and his mouth curves up into a half smile. Wow, just wow!
“Just out of curiosity, how did I get back to my dorm?”
“Well, after you passed out, I volunteered to bring you home. I told Gary that I knew you lived at Trojan Hall, but I didn’t know your room number. He was uneasy about giving me the information at first, but I convinced him that I am trustworthy. So, he went to your bag and grabbed your keys and gave me the room number. I carried you to my car and brought you home.” He says reluctantly.
His face tells me that he is terrified that I will freak out again. Somehow, I have to repair the damage that I’ve done. He doesn’t need to know just how crazy I really am, yet. I will save my madness for another day.
“Well, thank you for doing that. I really appreciate it. But how did you persuade Gary to give you my information? He doesn’t trust anyone.” Gary is a lot like me in that sense. He shares his trust sparingly.
“I have my ways. Besides, I wasn’t lying when I talked to him and you will come to learn that too.” He doesn’t say anything for a minute and then just looks at me and says, “Are you feeling better?”
“Besides the fact that I feel like a complete ass, I am fine.”
“Good. Let’s get you home.” He reaches out his hand to me.
I take his hand and he assists me to his car again. I can’t help but wonder what these feelings are and what they mean. All of it scares the crap out of me but there is just something about this man that I can’t seem to pull away from.
We pull up to my dorm and he walks me to my door. He stares at me while still holding my hand. He then moves my hand up to his mouth and kisses my palm. I would be lying to myself if I said that it didn’t send electricity throughout my entire body.
“Would I be crossing a line to ask you for your number?” He asks out of the blue.
“Do you want the same one I gave Toby?” I let out a small snicker, trying to lighten the mood.
He laughs for the first time since we have met, and my tingles have now reached the end of my fingers and toes.
I grab his phone out of his hand and enter my number into his contacts. I instantly feel a rush of nervousness because I realize my walls are about to crumble and I have worked so hard to get them solid. I quickly recover from my little trance and recall why I put those walls up to begin with.
“Can I text you later?” He politely asks.
I want to sound like a giddy schoolgirl and say ‘Absolutely’ but instead I hold myself together and I shrug as I speak. “Sure.”
“I guess… I should go.” It sounds like he doesn’t want to leave, and the truth is that I don’t want him to either, but I can’t let this man stay in my dorm or I may end up doing something stupid.
He kisses me on the cheek and heads for the door. I want to stop him so badly but the argument within me is head versus heart and my heart is struggling to find any excuse to make him stay with me.
The conflict continues and it turns out my heart won this one… “Cam, wait!” What the hell do I say now? Clearly, I did not think this through. Dani, you better say something, or this is going to look foolish. I spit out the quickest thing that comes to mind. “Did you bring my bag in when you brought me here?”
“I did. It’s over by your bed.” He points over to my bag that I now see is on the floor.
“Ok. Thank you.” I say as I move closer to him and quickly kiss him on the cheek, but he turns his head, and instead our lips meet. Oh, this is so bad, but so good. Both of us realize what is happening and just go with it. He opens his mouth and I open mine and our tongues are now dancing to the most melodic song ever. His mouth tastes so good, like mint. “Mmmmm…” Oh shit. Was that out loud?
I feel him grinning as he pulls away from what may have been the most mind-blowing kiss I have ever had in my life. “Thank you for that.” He says as he turns and walks out the door.
I slump on my bed and I can’t wipe the stupid smile off my face. This day didn’t turn out to be so bad, considering the black out and total embarrassment.
Chapter 4
Why is this happening again? I can’t breathe and I feel like I’m drowning. He’s holding me down. All two hundred pounds of him. He won’t budge. His control is just unbearable. My ceiling morphs into several familiar faces mocking me. All of them saying “It’s your fault. You provoked him.”
Once again, I wake up dripping wet. I have to get a grip. Apparently, my subconscious is telling me why I can’t tell anyone what happened. They would judge me and say it was my fault. Then all of a sudden, the fear of judgement turns worse when I think about him. What if he finds out? What will he think of me? Maybe getting close to him isn’t such a good idea. As much I really like being around him, I can’t put myself through this.
I look at my clock and notice that it is 7 am and I should really get up to get ready for work, but I can’t seem to move. I look over and Sarah is not in her bed. It looks like she didn’t sleep in her bed again last night.
I grab my phone and there is a message waiting for me but I’m afraid to look at it. He must have sent it last night after I fell asleep.
I had a great time today.
I’m really glad I met you.
My stomach is in knots trying to figure out how to let him down gently because it’s obvious that I’m not ready for any kind of relationship with anyone right now. It’s just not smart. Since I don’t want to deal with any of this right before my shift, I just respond with a simple smiley emoji.
By the time I get to work, I’m late and it’s already busy. I give Gary an apologetic smile and just get started on my daily routine.
During my break, I look down at my phone and see another missed message from Cam.
Can I see you tonight?
Avoidance might be the key. Conceivably, if I avoid him, he’ll get the hint and it’s not like my response is untrue.
I can’t. I’m working
until 7.
I can pick you up after 7.
I really want to see you.
I really shouldn’t do this for obvious reasons, but I’m having a hard time thinking of why one time would be a big deal. I need another plan. Maybe I can draw up some courage and end this tonight. That’s a possibility.
Ok. Pick me up at 8, so I have time to change.
Great! Can’t wait!
I instantly feel nervousness crawling through me. What am I going to wear? Why does this suddenly feel like a really awful idea?
I finish up my shift and walk home, well almost run. I rush into the dorm so I can try to take a shower before he arrives. I smell like the Bistro and it’s certainly not a very attractive perfume.
I choose a cute blue halter top and jean shorts. I’m figuring that he probably didn’t make plans for anything and I don’t want to appear like I’m trying too hard to impress him. I finally finish getting ready with four minutes to spare before 8 o’clock. That was close.
The knock on the door startles me. “It’s open.” I say from behind the door.
A Broken Past Page 3