A Broken Past

by Cara L. Silver

  “You really shouldn’t leave your door unlocked.” He says giving a look of displeasure. “There are some real perverts around. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  The sincerity in his voice makes me feel warm inside because he actually cares. I don’t really know how to respond to his concern, so I just smile.

  “So, what do you want to do?” I ask.

  “Honestly, I didn’t really think of anything. I was more interested in just coming to see you again.” He says smiling.

  He sits down next to me and grabs my hand, lifting it to his mouth and kissing my palm.

  “We could just watch a movie, if you want? I have Netflix on my laptop.” Trying not to sound too nerdy.

  “That sounds like a great idea. What’s your favorite movie?” He responds.

  “That’s a tough one. I like a lot of movies. Let me think… I do love Jim Carrey movies, like Liar, Liar, Dumb & Dumber, and Ace Ventura. I enjoy watching comedies mostly and of course the cliché Romantic Comedies.” Hoping he doesn’t think I am cringeworthy by saying that.

  “I love Jim Carrey. He’s hysterical. We should definitely watch Dumb & Dumber.” He’s smiling so maybe he likes romantic movies too. I find the thought comical. This masculine specimen liking cheesy romance makes internally laugh.

  I grab my laptop and set it up on the bed so I can start Netflix and play the movie. He moves closer to me and his hand lands on my thigh as I work on the laptop. I’m not sure if he thinks I won’t notice or maybe that’s his plan. The contact makes my heart race as if it’s going to pop out of my chest. I feel his thumb move slowly caressing my leg. The movie almost seems insignificant now, but I definitely don’t want him to think that I’m slutty. For some reason, I really care what he thinks about me and that’s new because I have never cared once what anyone thinks of me, except my family.

  I place the laptop on top of my pillow, just in front of the headboard, and drop myself on my stomach facing the screen. I tap the bed, motioning him to lie next to me. He slides down from his sitting position and gets so close that the entire lengths of our bodies are now touching each other. We are so close that I don’t think there is room for air between us. We are both propped on our elbows so we can watch the movie, but the fact that I can feel almost every muscle on his side is making my body feel oddly warm and tingly. Maybe I should move over? I don’t want to give him the wrong impression. I really thought he was going to come here, and I would be able to tell him that I can’t and shouldn’t do this. My plans are going straight out the window and I’m having doubts. I don’t know if letting him go is something I even want. I know I’m being selfish, but I love being around him.

  “What are you thinking about?” He may have noticed the panic on my face.

  I’m not really sure what to say. I don’t really want him to know what is going on in my head but, I guess, this is my chance for the truth. No looking back now.

  “To be honest, this is all very weird to me. I’m terrified beyond belief and I really want to run out the door and not look back. But for some odd reason, I’m drawn to you. I agreed to have you come here because I was going to tell you that I can’t do this. But now, I want to rethink all of it because this feels so right.” I take a breath but keep babbling on before I lose my nerve. “I realize that I am rambling, but I just need to let you know this. I feel like if I get too close to you, I will only get hurt and you will not like me after you know more of me. You seem great but I’m

  broken, really broken, and I definitely have a lot of issues. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should go because I don’t want to start something that we both know we can’t finish.” I just let out a huge sigh and wait for him to get off the bed and leave. This is more difficult than I had expected. I want to look away, so I don’t have to watch him leave or lose my nerve and change my mind completely.

  Except he doesn’t move and just stares at me with longing in his eyes. He waits a minute before speaking.

  “I’m not going anywhere. There will always be a risk as with anything and we obviously can’t predict the future. I have spent the last few weeks thinking about nothing else but you. And I know for a fact that I want to start something. Like I said before, I want to get to know you. I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re amazing and you are beautiful inside and out. Your past may have been broken but your future is not, and I can only hope to be a part of that future.”

  My heart is aching but the words that just came out of his mouth give me a little bit of happiness. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted something to be so true in my entire life. I don’t think that I could say anything that would make sense right now, so I just smile and look back at the laptop.

  I get the unexpected feeling that he is still staring at me. And sure enough, when I look over at him, I see that he is now lying on his side facing me. I didn’t even feel his body shift. He reaches his hand to cup my face. He just looks into my eyes and leans in. Our lips are barely touching but all I can feel is the heat between us. So, I turn my body to face him, and we just fall into the kiss. His mouth tastes like mint again, both cool and warm. I wonder if this is what his mouth always tastes like. The kiss is much more intense than our first kiss and I’m almost positive that he can feel my pulsating heart. Honestly, I feel like a cartoon character and half expect to look down and see my heart popping in and out of my chest, like when Jim Carrey’s heart does it in the Mask.

  I move my left arm from his neck to his back and slowly run my fingers up and down his back but never take my mouth away from his. I think I may have heard a small moan from him, but that may be my imagination. He moves his hand to my ass and grabs it with such intensity, it’s almost violent, bringing me closer to him and I can now feel the hard bulge in his jeans. I have the sudden urgency to be closer to him even though there is no space between our bodies. I attempt to pull off his shirt, but the space that it causes leaves me longing for more contact. He quickly pulls his shirt over his head and returns to his previous position. After several minutes of kissing, the pressure between my thighs is almost painful. The feelings send a signal to my brain, making me fully aware of our current situation and I start to pull away. Leaving me feeling

  uncomfortable and self-conscious about my behavior. I move away from him and I prop myself up on my elbows again and return my focus to the movie that is now midway through.

  “Did I do something wrong?” I can sense the exasperation in his voice.

  I’m so ashamed that I can’t even look at him. I continue looking at the screen when I reply, “No. I did. And I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t understand.” His disappointment has now turned to confusion.

  I knew this wasn’t a good idea. I can’t tell him about my past because he would leave and I’m not ready for that. I know I’m being selfish, but I can’t help but feel a connection with him.

  “I would never make you do anything you aren’t comfortable with. We can go as slow as you want. I just like holding you.” As if he senses my hesitation and somehow reads my mind.

  He grabs the laptop, turns it around and places it on his stomach. He nudges me, asking me to lean on him, with his eyes. No words needed. The language is unmistakable. There is absolutely no struggle to make this decision. I turn over on my side and snuggle against him with my head on his shoulder and we watch the rest of the movie until we both fall asleep.

  Chapter 5

  She’s screaming, but I can’t help her. Why can’t I help her? I know she wants him to stop but I’m not strong enough to get him off of her. She yells for him to stop, but he doesn’t. Why am I frozen? I can’t move and I can’t make it stop. I just sit here, watching him take advantage of her, of me. I just cry because I can’t do anything to save her; to save me.

  I feel someone forcefully grabbing me and calling my name, pulling me out of the darkness. When I open my eyes, I see Cam hovering over me with his hands on my shoulders. I’m still sobbing, and tears are po
uring down my face.

  “Are you okay?” He looks so distraught.

  I can’t even answer him because the crying just won’t stop. It’s as if someone turned on the faucet. So, I just nod my head to reassure him a little. But it doesn’t seem to make him feel any better because the look on his face says he’s still horrified. I should never have fallen asleep. I know these nightmares aren’t going anywhere anytime soon and I know better than to sleep anywhere near another person. It already scared the shit out of Sarah to the point that she rarely stays in our dorm anymore. I glance over at the clock that looks like a blurry puddle because my eyes are still full of tears, but I think it reads 6:32am. I need to get out of here, but something or someone is holding me back. I shouldn’t have let it get to this. What was I thinking? It’s evident that I need to end whatever this is now. This shouldn’t be this difficult. I barely know him, so why do I have this unusual attachment to him? And why do I feel that this will be the worst decision I ever make?

  Regret fills me but I make out the words anyway. “I can’t do this.”

  “Do what?” His eyes still show a little sadness.

  “Whatever this is, whatever we are. I’m not ready for any of this. I’m sorry.” My eyes threaten me with tears again, but I try to blink them away.

  “You can’t tell me you don’t feel something. I was there.” He is annoyed.

  “I shouldn’t have let it even get this far. Again, I’m sorry that I led you on, but I just can’t.” Trying to be completely honest but the look on his face is leaving me broken-hearted.

  “I will compromise with you. I will give you some space but I’m not giving up on this. It feels too real. If you continue to feel this way, I will back off.” He says with a little more gentleness.

  “I doubt that I will change my mind, but if telling yourself that makes you feel better, be my guest.” Damn it. My tears are terrorizing me again. So, I get up, grab my shower caddy, and walk towards the door. “I need to get ready for work. I’ll see you around.” My words stab at my already broken heart because it knows this is really over. I leave my dorm, walk to the bathroom, and take a shower. I want him to be gone so I don’t have to deal with any of it but I’m also secretly hoping that he doesn’t leave and that he wants to fight for this. To fight for us. My mind is so messed up.

  I’m in desperate need of a steaming hot shower. I let the scorching water hit my skin and now there is no stopping the tears as they flood my cheeks. I’m not sure if it’s remnants of my nightmare or if it’s the fact that I may have just lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. Then again, maybe it’s both. I finish up my shower and make my way back to my room, dreading walking in. I open the door and am both relieved and a little disappointed that he isn’t here. I just sit on my bed and cry, reliving the whole night. It was amazing but I can’t ever be happy, and I don’t know why the thought ever crossed my mind. I try to pull myself together, but it’s useless. I put some makeup on and drag my ass to work.

  As I walk in the Bistro’s door, Gary waves at me from the kitchen area. I give him a quick wave back and just get started on my work. I need to keep myself busy or I might go certifiably insane. After my shift, I walk back to my room. Once again, Sarah is nowhere to be found, so the room is nice and quiet, almost too quiet. I attempt to focus on completing some assignments, but my mind keeps wandering. The room is feeling stuffy and extremely lonely, so I settle on taking a stroll around campus.

  The sun is beginning to set, but there doesn’t seem to be much going on around campus. Just a few stragglers coming out of their last classes. That’s when I see him. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I just told him that I didn’t want “us”, and Cam already has his arm around another girl. The anger and jealousy building up inside me is beyond my control. I’m so pissed that my hands are now tightly bound into fists at my sides. I really just want to punch something, anything will do. I want to hate her, but she is beautiful. She has long brown hair and a petite frame. I try not to stare and just keep walking, but our eyes meet. I try to smile, but I’m not sure it comes off as much. I swiftly turn around and walk back to my dorm. My feet can’t move fast enough. I open my door and just slump on my bed. I try not to dwell on it, but, damn, it hurts. I can’t believe I was so stupid. I guess, he was just trying to play it off like he had feelings. I punch my pillow and just cry uncontrollably. My tears have minds of their own and they attempt to drown me in my own sorrow. I slowly slip into unconsciousness.

  Chapter 6

  “PLEASE! STOP!” I feel so alone. No one will save me. “Please someone help me!” No one ever comes. Once again, I just let him take advantage of me and I’m just motionless since there is nothing I can do to end the torture.

  The sound of crying wakes me up. I’m unsure if it’s coming out of me. I rub my eyes and see Sarah crying on her bed. I get up and go check on her. “What’s wrong?”

  She’s still crying, and her glassy eyes look up at me. “Brad broke up with me.” Her words come out extremely muffled by her continued sobbing.

  “I’m so sorry. What happened?”

  “He said that he needs to experience the college life and he doesn’t want to be tied down.” She continues sniffling.

  I don’t really know Brad that well. He always seemed to be decent to her and they appeared to make each other happy, at least from an outsider’s perspective. I imagine him to be the Ken to her Barbie. Sarah spent most of her time at his apartment, but when they were here, they were obnoxiously adorable. Always holding each other and snuggling on her bed. I really didn’t see this coming. I need to console her but I’m not sure how, since my heart is broken too. It’s been a week since I saw Cam with that girl and I’m still sensitive to the subject. I really want to make Sarah feel better, so I try to form my best comforting words. “I’m sure he’ll come around. You guys were so cute together. And there is no way he will find anyone else like you.” I hope my little motivational speech is true. I don’t really know her that well, but what I do know is that she is delightful and doesn’t deserve someone to treat her badly. “And if not, you will find someone so much better than him.” That I can almost guarantee. Sarah is one of the prettiest and sweetest women I have met.

  “Thank you. That means a lot.” She grabs a tissue, wipes her eyes, and her back hits the bed.

  “You should try to get some sleep.” I cover her with the blanket and walk back to my bed. I attempt to get some much-needed sleep since I have to be up in two hours for class.

  I’m not even sure if I slept after the whole Sarah debacle. I lazily get out of bed with absolutely zero motivation for the day. Sarah is still sleeping so I try not to make any noise. I conclude that skipping a shower is my best option because I’m short on energy. I grab a pair yoga pants and a tank top and throw my semi clean hair into a bun. I grab my bag, walk out the door and over to my “Econ” class. I sit down in the back again, which seems to be my new seat because I really don’t want to deal with the girls who continuously flirt with Mr. Mullins. It was once my class entertainment but now it makes me thoroughly nauseous.

  He starts his lecture and assigns a research project. The entire time, I feel like his eyes never leave me. I must be overthinking again. My mind immediately goes to those paintings that just looks as if the portrait’s eyes are following you, but it is just an illusion. Then I consider that maybe the lighting in here makes him appear to be staring at me like in the paintings. That’s my best guess, but whatever the reason, it’s weird and my discomfort is yelling at me to get out of here. Professor Mullins finishes up his lecture. Thank Goodness. I grab my things and walk out before any other awkward interactions.

  I shake off the eerie feeling from class and walk to the Bistro. When I arrive, I see Cam through the window. Why would he be here? I haven’t seen or heard from him in a week. I debate whether I should call Gary and tell him I’m not coming in or if I should just suck it up and go in. I decide on the latter because I have never been the
type to flake on a job especially for a guy. Nonchalantly, I walk through the door and head straight to the kitchen in hopes that he doesn’t see me. “Smooth.” I’m totally being an adult about this.

  I wave to Gary, but he doesn’t look right. Something seems off about him today. So, I walk over to him before I dive into my day. “How are you doing today?”

  “I’m just feeling a little under the weather.” He looks exhausted.

  “Well, try to take it easy.” I’m feeling a little concerned about his demeanor. But I smile and try to get back to work.

  I concentrate on my customers, but I keep a constant eye on Gary to make sure he is okay. I’m also trying to ignore that Cam is still sitting at a table in the corner.

  I see Cam moving toward me out of the corner of my eye and try to calm my nerves before he reaches me. When he makes his way to the counter, a fake smile appears on my face but not a single word comes out of my mouth.

  He smiles back. “Hey.” It appears as if he is trying to gauge the situation.

  “Hi. How are you?” I’m not sure if a person can feel themselves blushing but I certainly feel like my face is the shade of a tomato.

  His smile is now gone. “I’ve been okay. Not as good as I could be.”

  How I would love for that comment to be related to me. Of course, I know that it’s not. I try to muster some words. “I’m sorry.” Apparently, those are the only words that I can come up with.

  “So… have you had enough space yet?” His mouth curves into a small hopeful grin.

  I’m completely confused. I don’t know him that well, but he must think I’m some sort of idiot since I just saw him with another girl and now, he’s pretending to show interest in me again. My irritation is coming to the surface. “Are you kidding me? Why would you even ask me that?”

  “I just thought that…” he begins to say, but I don’t let him finish his thought.